by Sarah Daltry
“Have you fixed that emptiness?”
“Not exactly. But I know a little more about it now. And with or without a boyfriend, it’s my own emptiness to fix. It’s not for you – or any guy – to do it for me.”
“Lily, I know better than anyone what it feels like to be missing something. I don’t want to rush you. I can wait. If you aren’t ready.”
“I’m still trying to find myself and figure myself out. It’s not going to happen overnight and it’ll be a long road. But I wouldn’t mind the company.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yeah. It’s the only thing I’m sure about. And I know that it’s a huge step for you, but I want to be clear that I want you, whatever that means.”
He squeezes my hand. “Okay, but there’s one condition.”
“What’s that?”
“I’m not fucking you.”
I laugh; the comment seems so out of place. “What?”
He smiles. “You’re gonna have to work harder than that. I want a real relationship. If you’re just after me for sex, you can go elsewhere. I’m looking for a girlfriend.”
“Right, because you didn’t fuck my brains out for days straight already.”
“Look, I’m serious. Do we have a deal? Do you want to be my girlfriend?”
“More than anything,” I say.
“Awesome. But you best keep your hands to yourself, princess,” he teases.
“Are you sure about that?” I ask and get off the swing. I reach down and start to unbutton his jeans, but he stands up and takes me in his arms.
“Lily, for the first time, I want to love someone. To truly love someone. I want to treat you like the princess you are. You’re not a whore. I have no doubt it will happen, because it’s fucking impossible not to get down in the grass with you right now, but I want to love you first. Let me love you first.”
I stand on my tiptoes, letting my hands fall back to my sides. Our lips meet and I kiss Jack with all I have. It’s sweet and it’s romantic, and I actually feel myself falling for him even more. I respect his desire to take it slow, although my body is going to have a hard time waiting. Still, this is the best I’ve felt in months. He takes me for a ride and later, when we get back to the dorm, we go to his room. Instead of having sex, Jack and I fall asleep together, fully dressed. And it’s exactly where we belong.
Chapter 16
It seems sort of unfair that as soon as Jack and I actually begin a relationship, we have two weeks together until we have to split up for a month. Luckily, we don’t live that far apart and, if the weather cooperates, we can see each other as much as we like. He’s turned out to be a wonderful boyfriend, despite everyone’s claims to the contrary. True to his word, though, we haven’t had sex. It’s been almost impossible to resist him; he always looks incredibly sexy, but taking it slow has given me a chance to get to know Jack – the real Jack. I know he’s majoring in computer graphic design and that he wants to design video games. I learned that he plays bass because he can’t sing and that he wanted to be in a band because he thought it would help him meet girls. Since he’s had an on and off relationship with Alana for years and, more recently, a mess with me, his girl-getting power has actually been limited to all of two other girls. Most importantly, I discovered that Jack still goes to his mom’s grave every Saturday, usually after work. I haven’t gone with him yet and he hasn’t asked, but it’s something that I intend to do soon. He hasn’t said a word about his father and I don’t ask. There are some things that may be a part of Jack, but that don’t help either of us in our attempt to look forward.
Jack has also turned out to be sweet and considerate under all of his moodiness and attitude. I feel like the world revolves around me when I’m with him. I know it’s still just at the beginning stages of our relationship, but something about Jack makes me feel confident that we are in this for the long haul. Every time he looks at me, I feel like the edges of the world disappear and he’s the only part of it that matters.
Meanwhile, Kristen and Lyle have finally started seeing one another openly. The four of us are in our room one night a few days before winter break starts when my phone rings. It’s my brother so I head out into the hall to take it. Jon doesn’t usually call me, instead relying on Facebook or email to communicate. When he really wants something, he might send a text, so I feel uneasy that he picked up the phone.
“Hey,” I say.
“Hi, Lily. How are things? Only a few days left of the semester.”
“I know. Straight A’s here, I’ll have you know.”
“Have you finished exams?”
“Nope. But it’s for sure. Unless I screw up majorly and we both know I won’t.”
“Of course not. I’m sure you’ll breeze right through them.”
“Thanks. So what’s up?”
“It’s about heading home this weekend. Do you want to ride with us?”
“Us?”
“Me and Derek.” Hearing his name still hurts a little, but I shake it off. Keep looking forward, I say. It’s become something of a mantra lately.
“Oh. Um, yeah, I do. If that’s okay, I mean.”
He sighs. “It is. It’s just… Shit. I don’t know how to say this.”
“You can say it. It’s fine. Does he want me to get home another way?”
“I haven’t actually mentioned it to him yet. If you say no, I’m gonna try to ditch him.”
I’m flattered that my brother would look out for me like that, but it’s an hour in the car and Derek’s his best friend. He’s practically family. I’m going to have to deal with it eventually and, considering that Derek and his family usually come to our house on Christmas Eve anyway, I might as well face it now. “No. It really is fine. I actually want to see him. Is he okay?”
“He’s… Yeah, he’s good.” Something in Jon’s voice catches and I know there’s more.
“You can tell me, you know. Whatever it is. Does he hate me?”
“No, I don’t think so. I mean, I doubt it. He was really a mess for a little while, but, well, it happened before Thanksgiving and I didn’t want to mention it then. But you’re gonna find out, especially now that we’re all going home for a month. And I-”
I’ve been standing in the hall talking, but now I start pacing. I feel like I need to move to handle what I know Jon’s about to say. “There’s someone. Derek’s met someone.”
“Yeah. He’s been seeing her almost a month now. I didn’t know how you’d feel about it and I waited to tell you, but...”
I wait for the hurt to arrive, but surprisingly, it doesn’t. I feel relieved more than anything else. “No, it’s fine.”
“Sure?”
“Yeah. It really is fine.”
“Oh, thank God,” he laughs. “Do you know what it’s been like since you two broke up?”
“I’m sorry,” I say, because I’m sure Jon was a hapless victim caught right in the middle. “Actually, there’s something I should tell you.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah. Um, well… Derek might have told you already, but there was someone here.”
“He mentioned it, but you never said anything, so I didn’t think it was serious.”
“Well, I was trying to make sure that it was something. But, yeah, Jon. It’s serious.”
“That’s awesome then. He makes you happy?”
“He really, really does.”
“Good.”
“It is good. Anyway, I should go. Unless there’s something else?”
“No. I just really didn’t want it to be weird. And I knew you’d never tell me the truth if I couldn’t hear your voice.”
“I promise – it is totally fine. So, I’ll see you Saturday?”
“Okay. And Lily?”
“Yeah?”
“I expect to meet this guy soon.”
I hang up, both nervous and happy. I’m excited that Jon’s okay with me moving on, although I haven’t talked to Jack about meeting my family. We
talked about spending time together, but neither of us brought up the holidays and I didn’t even consider bringing him home yet. I’m terrified of what they’ll think of him. Although it wouldn’t stop me from how I feel, I want them to get to know me when I’m with him first. That way, even if something about him makes them uncomfortable, they’ll feel bad about it because they know he’s good to me. I may be different, but I think my parents will be happy that Jack’s made me stronger and better. I just need to introduce them to the idea slowly. I feel guilty about it, but meeting my parents could have a huge impact on our relationship and I’d hoped to wait. I realize, though, that Jon’s not going to let it go and we’re going to need to address this.
I go back to my room and Jack’s sitting on my bed, talking about video games with Lyle. Our conversation needs to be private; when we’re here at school, it’s easy for us to ignore the pressing question of our families. However, during break, it’s all going to change. I need to figure out how to mesh the two worlds I know in a way that won’t destroy either one. For someone who’s never had something normal, I can’t imagine how Jack will react to spending time with my family. Moreover, I really don’t know how they’ll react to him.
“Hey, Jack?” He looks up. “I left something in your room. Can we go get it?”
He looks confused, but we leave Lyle and Kristen alone, both of whom I’m sure are happy to have some privacy, and go to his room.
“What did you leave?” He’s cluelessly adorable right now and suddenly, I want him in a way I’ve trained my body to fight since the night on the playground. Damn hormones. I ignore what’s happening between my legs and instead I focus on what I need to say.
“That was my brother who called.”
“Okay.”
“He, um… He wants to meet you over break. Like at my house. With my parents.”
Jack sits at his desk chair and I get an image in my head of the night I was with him and Alana. He fucked her over that chair while I watched and it’s still the hottest thing I’ve ever seen. I sigh; I’m never going to get through tonight if I don’t stop thinking things like this.
“When?”
“Huh?” My mind was on the wrong things and I have to refocus on what we were talking about.
“When do you want me to come over?”
“Oh. Are you sure you want to? I can make up an excuse.”
“Do you not want me to come over? Are you ashamed of me, princess?”
“No, it’s not that. It’s just that my family is… I mean, we’re…”
“Normal. Not a dysfunctional mess of a dead mother and a killer father.”
“I didn’t mean it like that. I’m sorry, Jack. It wasn’t what I meant.”
“I know. But it’s true.”
“It really isn’t that. But I mean, I know you. They don’t know you.”
“So do you want me to come visit?”
I think it over. My parents are going to be shocked when they see him. With Derek, it was easy. They already knew him for starters and Derek is the perfect guy to bring home to one’s parents. He’s cute and athletic and friendly and mothers especially fall for him immediately. I’ve seen it not only with my mom, but basically with every adult woman in town as well. Derek’s charming. Jack, on the other hand, is the kind of guy that parents worry about – although he’s everything I want. I just don’t know how to make my parents see what I see in him. I don’t want their first impression of him to be that he’s some sort of rebellious phase I’m experiencing. I want them to see Jack, not a stereotype.
“I do. But I just want them to get to know you,” I reply.
“All right. Sure. Just tell me when. It scares the hell out of me, but if you want me to come over, just say when.”
“After the holidays.” I definitely don’t feel like trying to handle the holidays, Derek, my family, and Jack all at once. And something tells me that Jack doesn’t celebrate Christmas like my family does. Besides, it will mean more time to prepare them.
“Yeah. The fucking holidays.” His voice is sad when he says it, but I just can’t make that leap yet. I feel shameful that I can’t, but there are certain steps that I still can’t take. I think it’s okay, though; he understands and someday I will be ready for it. Right now, though, my mind is elsewhere.
“Also… there’s one more thing.”
He looks up at me and I decide just to go for it. I get close to him and run my hand along his chest. I can’t believe how badly I want him and the idea of waiting until we come back in January is unbearable. We only have a few more days before break and I am more than ready for this.
“I’ve been more than patient,” I say. “And you’ve been sweet and wonderful as a boyfriend. But I think there are certain things that have been neglected for way too long.”
“But we agreed-”
“Maybe, but Jack… there is no way I can wait until after break. I need you.” I’ve spent every night with Jack, but there has been nothing between us besides kissing. We sleep together fully clothed, although when he’s spooning me in bed, I can tell he’s fighting his own desire as well. I don’t know if it’s worse that we already have slept together or if that makes it easier. In some ways, I know it will happen again, but in other ways, it’s so much worse, because I know what I’m missing. And man, I am missing it.
He looks at me and, as I move my hand down to his cock, I can tell just how much effort he has put into being honorable, as he calls it. His body jerks toward me. “Oh, Lily. I don’t want you to think-”
I kiss him, cutting him off, and then pull away, dragging him up from the chair by his belt loops. “I don’t think anything except that you need to take that enormous cock out and fuck me like I know you can.”
He doesn’t hesitate, his body and my insistence working in unison. “Okay, princess. You asked for it.” He tears my shirt off and lifts me onto his bed. I’m so happy to have his hands all over me. I have craved his touch and I hurry to help him take off my pants. He kneels down in front of me and buries his head in my cunt. He teases my clit with his tongue and I’m wet immediately. I want him so badly it’s crazy. I don’t how I’ve lasted this long without losing it. His tongue is incredible and I already forgot my name. Jack looks up from between my legs and smiles.
“I’m gonna make my girlfriend come,” he says.
“Oh God, yes. Yes, you are,” I say and let him get to it. After he brings me to orgasm, he moves onto the bed and slowly runs his hands along my body, but still he doesn’t undress. I want him, but he’s focused on me instead. It’s awesome and thrilling and frustrating and painful all at once. His fingers move in lazy circles around my clit while he kisses my breasts. I moan softly and he slips his fingers deep into me, keeping his thumb on my clit to make sure the sensations don’t stop. I don’t think I can wait much longer.
I reach for him. “Jack, I need you to fuck me like you used to,” I beg.
“Are you sure? I don’t want to ruin us.” I can feel his anxiety and I know what he’s worrying about, but sex with him isn’t anything but further intimacy. I have gotten to know him so well and he has been nothing but kind. I trust him completely.
“Nothing can ruin us. But you need to ruin me and you need to do it now.” I unzip his jeans and Jack knows he’s lost the fight. Soon, I have him free and he pulls me on top of him so I can ride him. As I slide down along his shaft, burying his cock inside of my pussy for the first time since we officially began a relationship, it sends shivers through me. His eyes are wide open and he smiles. I link my hands with his and smile back at him.
“Hey, boyfriend.”
“Princess, I fucking love you,” he moans.
“I know,” I say and I begin my slow up and down ride on his cock. When I fucked him before, even though I felt some stirring of feelings for him, it was nothing like this. Now, with my boyfriend below me, a boyfriend who is nothing like what I thought I wanted but who has turned out to be all that and more, I feel so satisfie
d. He pushes his hips toward me and we move together, our bodies and minds connected now. I push down on his hands and press my body against his, tightening my cunt around him. He groans loudly; the sound makes me wild and I let go, feeling the first waves of orgasm sweep over me.
“Lily,” Jack repeats and each time he says it, a ripple of pleasure tears through me.
I bring my lips to his and run my tongue along his bottom lip, both of us shaking as we rise and fall in ecstasy. He breaks free from my grasp and clutches me against him tightly, thrusting harder until I can’t wait anymore and the orgasm annihilates me. I fall against him, satisfied, and I feel his throbbing cock push deeper until he comes as well.
“I love you,” we say at the same time, and it’s perfect. Although we are two different people, together we are stronger and better than we are alone.
****
I know I’m going to miss Jack while we’re apart for break, but it’s not with the same desperation that I felt when I was away from Derek. I don’t feel the same need to fight to salvage anything; he instills confidence in me. Still, on Saturday, after I’ve packed, I only have a few hours before Jon comes to pick me up and I go to Jack’s room, wanting to say goodbye. I knock on his door and it swings open. Alana’s sitting on the edge of his desk, her hair wrapped up in a messy bun. I’m relieved that I feel no jealousy. She looks stunning, but when Jack sees me in the doorway, I know that he sees only me.
“Hey, Lily,” she says. “Jack was just talking about you.”
“Was he?”
“I’m helping him pick out your Christmas present. You’re gonna love it.”
“We’re doing gifts?” I ask.
“Well, it’s just something small. And I suppose it’ll be a post-Christmas gift,” he says.
“So, what is it?”
Alana laughs. “Presents are supposed to be surprises.”
A blush reaches up from my neck to my cheeks. “I liked my birthday present. Is it that kind of surprise?”
