Max Rage: Twelve Punches To Mars!

by Jake Bible

  “No wonder your power keeps going out,” Rage said. “Pure light straight from the creation of the universe has got to be some expensive shit.”

  “SILENCE!” Lady Stardust shouted.

  But there wasn’t silence. Instead, there was a massive explosion and the beer hall’s doors blew inward, flying across the hall and straight into Lady Stardust’s back. The pure light from the creation of the universe she was about to shoot Rage with tracked across the beer hall, slicing many of the naked spider ladies in half.

  “Who dares?” Lady Stardust screamed as she recovered quickly and turned to face the huge hole where the beer hall’s doors had once been.

  “I dare!” a very muscular human man dressed in a leather loincloth and nothing else shouted as he marched into the beer hall, a trident gripped in both hands. “Jack Connor! King of Mars!”

  Creatures that were about half as tall as the human man streamed out around him, laser rifles clutched in their paws. They wore goggles and had short, gray fur. No clothing and Rage could easily see the gender of each of the creatures.

  “Now, cower before my mole people army!” Jack Connor, King of Mars yelled.

  The mole people rushed at the naked spider ladies. The naked spider ladies that hadn’t been cut in half by Lady Stardust’s laser fingers, rushed at the mole people.

  Rage hung his head.

  “I can’t say it enough, but I fucking hate Mars so much,” Rage muttered.

  Twenty-Nine

  “Jack Connor, King of Mars!” Lady Stardust shouted. “You overstep the boundaries of your kingdom!”

  “All of Mars is my kingdom, Lady Stardust!” Jack Connor, King of Mars replied. “Or have you forgotten that I am Jack Connor, King of Mars?”

  “No…I haven’t forgotten, Jack Connor, King of Mars,” Lady Stardust replied. “I literally just called you Jack Connor, King of Mars, Jack Connor, King of Mars.”

  “We get it!” Rage roared. “He’s Jack Connor, King of Mars! Fucking hell will everyone shut up about it?”

  “Maximillian Rage!” Jack Connor, King of Mars called. “I am here to save you from Lady and Lord Stardust!”

  “Uh, thanks, but it’s just Max Rage, no Maximillian,” Rage replied. “Don’t ever call me—”

  “Worry not, Maximillian Rage! These abominations shall harm you no longer!” Jack Connor, King of Mars shouted. “For Jack Connor, King of Mars is here!”

  “Fucking Christ,” Rage snarled. “Hey! Lady Stardust! Shoot me with those universe lasers! Do it! I’d rather die than hear him shout—!”

  “Jack Connor, King of Mars will never let this faux god shoot you with her rainbow lasers!” Jack Connor, King of Mars yelled.

  “I was going to use my light from the creation of the universe lasers,” Lady Stardust said. “The rainbow lasers didn’t work.”

  “And I got a splinter in my eye!” Lord Stardust called from a seat at one of the tables as naked spider ladies and mole people warred around him. “It really hurt, Jack Connor, King of Mars.”

  “Oh, I am sorry to hear that,” Jack Connor, King of Mars said. “I had a splinter only yesterday. Granted, it was in my little toe, not my eye. But it was the little toe on my left foot and that is such a sensitive toe.”

  “Mine too!” Lord Stardust exclaimed.

  “Really? What is it with little toes on left feet?” Jack Connor, King of Mars responded.

  “Love! Stop talking to Jack Connor, King of Mars,” Lady Stardust ordered.

  “No, seriously!” Rage shouted. “Kill me! I just can’t hear you call him—!”

  “Jack Connor, King of Mars!” Lady Stardust yelled. “Do you challenge me?”

  “Challenge you? Lady, he blew up the doors and his mole people are kicking the shit out of your naked spider ladies! That’s what a fucking challenge looks like!” Rage bellowed. “What surreal fucking nightmare am I in?”

  “A surreal fucking nightmare that Jack Connor, King of Mars will extract you from, Maximillian Rage!” Jack Connor, King of Mars yelled. “Lady Stardust! Begone now or feel the wrath of my trusty trident!”

  “Please don’t have a name. Please don’t have a name,” Rage mumbled over and over.

  “And all that inhabit Mars know that Lawrence the Trident is unstoppable!” Jack Connor, King of Mars yelled.

  “It’s got a name,” Rage said. “Of course it does. I’m so gonna nuke the shit out of this planet when I leave.”

  Rage glanced down and saw three mole people shooting the living hell out of a naked spider lady.

  “Psst!” Rage called. “Hey! Molies! Any of you got a sharp knife you can use to cut me down? Or, hey, here’s a thought, you got some seriously sharp teeth. Feel free to gnaw through these ropes. Just go to fucking town on them. Gnaw, gnaw, gnaw.”

  None of the mole people reacted to Rage’s request. They kept shooting the obviously very dead naked spider lady and acted as if he hadn’t even spoken. Yes, it was very loud in the beer hall, what with the battle between mole people and naked spider ladies really ratcheting up, but Rage’s voice tended to carry and he couldn’t figure out how they didn’t hear him.

  “Hey! Molies!” Rage yelled louder. “Hey! You three there! Get me off this cross!”

  Nope. Nothing. They just kept shooting lasers at the naked spider lady corpse.

  “Jesus Christ. Stupid and ugly,” Rage said.

  Rage thrashed against the ropes. There wasn’t even a millimeter of give.

  “I love knots!” a voice called out from the carnage.

  “Yeah! Good for you!” Rage called back. “Crazy bitch…”

  “Do not strain yourself, Maximillian Rage!” Jack Connor, King of Mars shouted. “I shall vanquish Lady Stardust then set you free myself!”

  “Oh, you think so, do you, Jack Connor, King of Mars?” Lady Stardust laughed heartily. “Have you forgotten what happened the last time we met?”

  “I thought we weren’t going to speak of that,” Jack Connor, King of Mars replied. He nodded his head toward Lord Stardust. “Especially with Ord-lay Tardust-say sitting right there.”

  “Who’s sitting where now?” Lord Stardust said.

  “No, not that, Jack Connor, King of Mars,” Lady Stardust hissed. “I meant the last time we fought.”

  “Well, it did get rather rough until I used the safe word,” Jack Connor, King of Mars said. “And even after saying it once, I still had to shout Bowie a second time before you loosened the nipple clamps.”

  “Bowie? That’s our safe word!” Lord Stardust screeched, jumping to his feet. “Lady Stardust? Have you been cheating on me with Jack Connor, King of Mars?”

  “Okay, this got interesting,” Rage said. He grinned as the drama unfolded within the mole people and naked spider lady melee. “Yeah, Lady Stardust, have you and Jack Connor, King of Mars been boning behind Lord Stardust’s back? Tsk tsk!”

  “Stay out of this, Maximillian Rage!” Jack Connor, King of Mars said. “This is a personal matter that does not concern you at the moment!”

  “It concerns me!” Lord Stardust said. He got between Lady Stardust and Jack Connor, King of Mars. “Lady? Is this true?”

  “It… I…” Lady Stardust stammered. “It was a one-time thing.”

  “If one time means six times in a row,” Jack Connor, King of Mars said. “Every other Wednesday at Altra’s place.”

  “Oh, damn!” Rage yelled. “You guys were boning in that bedroom? It’s a great place for boning, I’ll give you that. That bed is huge!”

  “Shut up, Max Rage!” Lady Stardust yelled. She put a hand on Lord Stardust’s leotard. “Love, it meant nothing.”

  “Of course it meant nothing!” Jack Connor, King of Mars bellowed. “Jack Connor, King of Mars would never have feelings for a woman with such loose morals!”

  The fight ceased instantly.

  Fists about to be slammed into mole people faces, paused. Mole fingers about to depress triggers, eased back. All eyes, naked spider lady and mole people alike, tu
rned to Jack Connor, King of Mars.

  “Don’t slut shame!”

  “Yeah, asshole! Women can get theirs without having to give up their morals!”

  “What makes you better than her? Because you have a trident?”

  “Overcompensating much?”

  “Oh, Jack Connor, King of Mars…”

  “Pal, you done screwed up with that one,” Rage said. “Even I wouldn’t call a chick that likes to get laid a woman with loose morals and I’m pretty much a chauvinist prick most of the time.”

  “I, uh…” Jack Connor, King of Mars gulped. “My apologies, Lady Stardust. That was uncalled for. I was caught up in the moment.” He gulped again. “And, if I may be honest, I thought that it maybe did mean something. You hurt Jack Connor, King of Mars’s feelings and I lashed out. I am sorry.”

  “That’s alright, Jack Connor, King of Mars,” Lady Stardust said. “Thank you for the apology.”

  Jack Connor, King of Mars smiled and gave her a short bow. The smile slowly faded from his face.

  “Uh, do you not have something to say to me?” he asked.

  “Excuse me?” Lady Stardust replied. “What do you mean?”

  “Well, I said that it may have meant something to me,” Jack Connor, King of Mars said. “Did it not mean something to you also?”

  “What? Oh, gods not me, no,” Lady Stardust said and laughed. “It was purely physical. You’ve got a big trident, Jack Connor, King of Mars, but there is no way I’d have actual feelings for you.” She gestured, her hand moving up and down to indicate Jack Connor, King of Mars’s body. “I mean, look at you. You’re hot, but wear leather underwear every day of your life. It’s kind of sad.”

  Jack Connor, King of Mars roared with pain and anguish.

  He threw his trident and it tore through Lord Stardust’s body and into Lady Stardust’s body. The Stardusts both looked down at the trident. Then they shrieked and exploded into glitter.

  And stardust.

  “Oh, no! What have I done?” Jack Connor, King of Mars shouted, his arms raised above his head, his hands balled into fists. “I have killed them! KILLED THEM!”

  He fell to his knees, arms still raised, fists still balled, and burst into tears.

  “Uh, hey there,” Rage said. “Still got a naked spider lady problem, pal.”

  Jack Connor, King of Mars sniffed loudly and made a quick hand gesture.

  The mole people opened fire with everything they had and dropped every last naked spider lady.

  Rage hated to see Altra die, but he did have to admit that the killing efficiency of the mole people was impressive.

  “Could have done that a little sooner,” Rage muttered.

  Thirty

  Rage waited on the cross, but no one moved to set him free.

  Instead, all of the mole people circled around Jack Connor, King of Mars to console him.

  “Hey! A little help!” Rage shouted.

  “Oh, yes, I apologize, Maximillian Rage,” Jack Connor, King of Mars said. He made several hand gestures and four mole people hurried over and gnawed quickly through Rage’s bonds. “In my grief, I had forgotten about you, Maximillian Rage.”

  Free from the ropes once again, Rage rubbed his wrists and stared at the King of Mars.

  “Uh, what’s with the hand stuff?” Rage asked. “Why not tell the mole people to set me free?”

  “Mole people are deaf,” Jack Connor, King of Mars said. “They are part mole, after all.”

  “Moles are blind, not deaf,” Rage said.

  “What? That is absurd,” Jack Connor, King of Mars replied as he was helped back to his feet. “What an ignorant thing to say. I am surprised at you, Maximillian Rage.”

  “I… Never mind,” Rage said. “Okay, so you’ve saved me. And had your little cry. Can we get out of here now?”

  Jack Connor, King of Mars staggered over to a table and slumped on the bench. He began crying again.

  “Or not,” Rage said. He found his clothes piled on a table, put them on, then found two full mugs of beer and sat down next to Jack Connor, King of Mars. “Here you go. This’ll help.”

  “I came here to kill Lord Stardust so Lady Stardust and I could be together forever,” Jack Connor, King of Mars sobbed. “Why would she say such awful things?”

  Rage stared at the mole people.

  “If they’re deaf, then how did they hear you slut shame Lady Stardust?” Rage asked as he studied the creatures very carefully. “Pal, I think you’ve been—”

  “Maximillian Rage!” Jack Connor, King of Mars exclaimed. “Did you not hear what I said to you?”

  “No, I heard you,” Rage said. “And stop fucking calling me Maximillian. It’s Max Rage. Better yet, Rage. Call me Rage. That’s it. Nothing else. Rage.”

  “I could never be so informal,” Jack Connor, King of Mars said. “I will call you by your full name, just as you will call me by my full name. Which is—”

  “Yeah, I know your full fucking name,” Rage said. “The thing is, Jackie Boy, my name isn’t Maximillian. It’s Max. Max Rage. Call me Rage.”

  “I could never be so informal,” Jack Connor, King of Mars said again. “I will call you by your—”

  “Nope!” Rage shouted then calmed down. “Nope. Not gonna loop around the name thing forever. Call me whatever you want, Jackie Boy.”

  “Yes, you see, Jackie Boy is not my name,” Jack Connor, King of Mars said. “My name is—”

  Rage punched him.

  “Ow!” Jack Connor, King of Mars exclaimed, his hands covering his bleeding nose.

  Mole people leapt on Rage and tore into his neck and head with their very sharp teeth. Rage jumped to his feet and spun about, throwing the mole people off of him. In one motion, he snatched up two laser rifles and climbed onto the table. He put the barrel of one of the rifles to Jack Connor, King of Mars’ head and pointed the other one at the army of mole people.

  “Listen up, you little rodent fucks!” Rage shouted. “Twitch a whisker and I blow his head off! I mean it! One whisker and Jackie Boy is king of jack shit!”

  “It won’t work, Maximillian Rage,” Jack Connor, King of Mars said. “You cannot fire that rifle even if you wanted to.”

  “I do want to, dipshit,” Rage said. “I’m not fucking around here.”

  “It is a brave show, Maximillian Rage, but you can lower the rifles now,” Jack Connor, King of Mars said. “The triggers are calibrated to mole people DNA only. If you try to fire the—”

  Rage fired.

  Silly string covered half of Jack Connor, King of Mars’ face. More silly string shot from the second laser rifle and sprayed the annoyed-looking mole people. Rage couldn’t see their eyes behind the goggles, but he knew several were rolled.

  “Shit,” Rage said and flipped the rifles around so he could use them as clubs. “Well, there’s more than one way to beat the shit out of some mole bitches.”

  “You cannot do that either, Maximillian Rage,” Jack Conner, King of Mars said. “The mole people are quite resourceful and excellent inventors. They would not create laser rifles that could be used against them.”

  The two rifles that Rage held dissolved in his grip, turning to a gooey, gray putty.

  “Yeah, I’m nuking the shit out of this planet,” Rage said and shook the putty from his hands.

  “Enough!” Jack Connor, King of Mars shouted as he got back to his feet. “The pity party is over! I came here to rescue you, Maximillian Rage! You will be rescued by Jack Connor, King of Mars or you will die! Choose now!’

  “Uh, I’ll take rescued,” Rage replied. “Not sure why I would choose to die. Am I missing something here? Other than the original reason you said you came here was because you wanted to—”

  “The minds of kings have many thoughts,” Jack Connor, King of Mars said. “Being Jack Connor, King of Mars, I have more thoughts than most kings. Mars is a place of great power, Maximillian Rage. I shall use that power to lead you to your friends and the ship which will ta
ke you away from the blood and violence that has overtaken everything above.”

  “How overtaken?” Rage asked.

  “The entire planet’s surface is nothing but death,” Jack Connor, King of Mars replied. “I tried to talk reason to many of the Scorchers, but they refused to listen to me. That is how bad it has gotten, Maximillian Rage. Even those out of their minds with a lust for murder and violence are not willing to listen to Jack Connor, King of Mars.”

  “Yeah, I wouldn’t take it personally,” Rage said. “So, this rescue? Can it start now? And while you’re rescuing me, how about we swing by somewhere and pick me up some non-mole people coded weapons? A nice dual plasma, laser-guided hot rocket launching, never-empty Axis combat rifle would hit the spot right about now.”

  “I do not have access to a weapon of that type, Maximillian Rage,” Jack Connor, King of Mars said as he retrieved his trident. “But Lawrence the Trident has cousins.”

  Rage closed his eyes and braced himself.

  “There is Nicky the Quarter Staff. Brett the Short Sword. Carlotta the Bullwhip.” Jack Connor, King of Mars rubbed his chin. “And, hmmm…”

  A mole person tapped him on the leg and Jack Connor, King of Mars bent low to listen.

  “Ah! Yes!” Jack Connor, King of Mars exclaimed, straightening back up so he could thrust a hand in the air as if he’d won a major contest. “Desdemona the Slingshot! How silly of me to have forgotten Desdemona. Such a lovely slingshot she is.”

  “How did that mole person know what you were forgetting if it can’t hear you?” Rage asked.

  Jack Connor, King of Mars blinked. Rage blinked. Jack Connor, King of Mars blinked. Rage blinked.

  “Right,” Rage said and took a deep breath. “How short is the short sword?”

  “A wise friend once said length isn’t everything, Maximillian Rage,” Jack Connor, King of Mars said.

  “Was that friend dressed in a leotard and covered in lots of glitter?” Rage asked.

  “She was,” Jack Connor, King of Mars said and nodded.