Shadow Soul

by R. Michael Card

  She shrugged. “I know not. The dragon never spoke of such things. I know not if this be a natural part of its death… or something else.”

  Volf was about to tell her what he remembered when Jais spoke.

  “It means there will be another dragon for you and your clan to care for,” Jais said softly. “It means Elria… didn’t die for nothing.” His voice was becoming heavy with emotion by that last bit.

  Volf had little to add to that and remained silent for now.

  “Indeed,” Hildr said laying a hand on his shoulder. Both hand and shoulder were equally black with ash.

  “Caerwyn you need to see this. Feel this!” Barami called out.

  “I won’t go in there,” was the shouted reply, though it sounded like she hardly had any energy to call out at all.

  Barami huffed. “What’s it going to take to fix her?” he breathed quietly.

  “Time,” Hildr said and Volf hoped she was wrong. There was still a wizard out there — now possessing the power of a dragon — that had to be dealt with.

  He laid a hand on the egg for a moment and got the impression there might still be much time before the new dragon hatched. But he drew strength from the miracle that was the egg before he stalked out of the ash.

  “Can we talk,” he asked Caerwyn.

  She shrugged.

  That would have to do.

  He left the others behind and drew her away. “Don’t you care that the dragon’s death — even Elria’s death — wasn’t in vain? Doesn’t that mean something to you?”

  “Perhaps,” was the only leeway she’d give him. “It still doesn’t change what I did.”

  “And what did you do?”

  She gave a heartless half-laugh. “More what I didn’t do: fight.”

  “And if you had fought and died and Barami had died and Hildr had died would that have changed anything that happened? Those men were too powerful for you three alone. If anything, I should be the one wallowing in sorrow since I left you three with him. Don’t get me wrong. I feel bad about that, but I still have hope that now, together, we can defeat him. He doesn’t have his henchman anymore—”

  “No, just the power of a dragon’s soul. I’m sure that’s nothing,” her tone was derisive and harsh, but he didn’t let that deter him.

  “So?”

  “So, he’s too powerful. We don’t stand a chance. You yourself just said that we couldn’t fight him before, so what chance do we have now?”

  Damn, he had said that. He hadn’t meant it that way though. “There is always a chance. Before, when that maniac had Barami prisoner, there may have been a chance then, but it was too slim to take, and you knew it. That’s why you didn’t act. But now, with all of us against just the one man, even with his new powers, I think our chances are much greater. Especially if we hit him sooner rather than later. You know how we felt after we were touched by the dragon. I still haven’t had the time I need to fully comprehend it. Perhaps he still hasn’t had time to figure out his new power either.”

  She looked at him sidelong. “You don’t really believe that.”

  “I do.”

  She shook her head and looked away. “I…”

  He waited, but she didn’t go on. “What?”

  “I… can’t.”

  “Can’t what? Fight? I’ve seen you. I know you can.”

  “I’m… scared.” Her voice had diminished to a mere whisper.

  “Is that all?”

  She turned back to him then, a questioning look in her tear-filled eyes.

  “We’re all scared.”

  She sniffled a little. “You don’t understand.” She shuddered, her head falling forward, chin to chest.

  “Let me guess,” he said softly, putting a finger under her chin and lifting her face until she met his gaze again. “You freeze up when you think of fighting that man? You can’t move? Your gut turns to jelly?”

  “Yes.” The barest of whispers.

  “You mean to tell me, with all the things you’ve faced in your life, you’ve never felt like that before?” He was a little stunned.

  She shook her head.

  He laughed, but it was short lived given the hurt look on her face. She looked confused.

  “Caerwyn.” He put an arm around her. She seemed shrunken, not her usual tall, proud self. He drew her a few steps farther away from the others, his voice low, just for her. “I’m laughing because that’s how I feel all the time. That’s probably how most of us feel. We go into every fight, into every challenge, scared stiff. We don’t want to be there, we want to run, but we go in anyway. Recently we’ve gone in because we’ve had people like you leading us. When you are so scared your legs won’t move, but the woman you admire most in your life gets up and rushes in, well, you follow her.”

  She sniffled. “You’ve run from every fight we’ve been in.”

  That stung, but it was true. He nodded. “You’re right. I did, but I also came back to every fight, for you, to help you. Now it’s your turn. So you ran from the last fight, well now you can come back as well. Do it for me, or Jais, or Barami, I don’t care. Do it because of those who died, or for revenge, it doesn’t matter to me, just do it. Come back to us and help us fight.”

  She looked away. It was her turn to let out a harsh laugh, clipped as it was. “You do always come back, don’t you?”

  “I do.”

  “You’re insane.”

  “Perhaps.” He pulled her closer, putting his other arm around her. She melted into him and for a moment, he enjoyed the sensation of her in his arms before he remembered it was only because she was so vulnerable and weak at the moment. This wasn’t her. “You can join me in my insanity. Let’s go do something crazy and fight this wizard. You don’t have to do it because you want to or because it’s right. You don’t have to do it because anyone tells you to. Do it for me, the man who always comes back because he’s a little crazy… crazy for you.”

  She drew herself up a little and pulled out from his embrace. She nodded.

  With another sniffle, she gave a sad smile. “Here’s to insanity.”

  34

  “Give me a moment, will you?” Caerwyn asked Volf. She moved away as he nodded. She needed a moment alone to sort through everything.

  “Take whatever time you need,” Volf said from behind her. “Just be ready to go soon.”

  She smiled. He had a way of saying things, of finding the silly or bright side of nearly anything. He wasn’t that practical, nor adventurous, nor strong. He wasn’t a fighter at all really, but she found herself liking him more and more. She’d always thought that if she met a mate, it would be a man like her, practical and strong, a warrior. That’s why she’d been drawn to Jais. He was everything she’d thought she wanted in a man. He was just young and uncertain. She didn’t blame him for that; in fact, she understood that more now than she had before.

  Jais had been through a lot, losing his family and the dear friend and lover he’d known most of his life, all within the span of a few days. That hadn’t crushed his spirit, but he’d been tentative, careful around anyone, even her. After what had happened to her these last few days, she understood that now. Her own soul had been crushed. She could see that now. It wasn’t easy to look at, but Volf had given her enough perspective to see she’d gone through her own ordeal with the wizard. Now she felt she understood Jais a little better. True, she too had lost her family, twice, but she hadn’t seen them die. But having been here, having stood by and watched as Elria had died and she’d done nothing, she felt like she understood a little of what that might be like.

  She drew in a long shuddering breath.

  Jais…

  He’d lost so much. First his family and his first love, now another lover… or so she assumed Elria had been. And in such a short period of time. Perhaps she didn’t really understand what he had lost.

  Perhaps they were just going through their own separate trials.

  And she’d pushed him away when
he’d tried to comfort her. That stuck like a burr in her soul.

  These two men, both so giving, wanting to help her, and here she was still unable to look at either of them as a match for her.

  Perhaps it was for the best. She assumed that going against the wizard was a death sentence. She’d not have her child. So, what did it matter what she felt for these men?

  All she had left to her was to fight.

  And she would fight. She knew that now.

  She could see the gaping crack in her spirit. She could feel the terror at the mere thought of going up against that man, but Volf had convinced her. It was necessary. They had to try, or he’d continue to wreak havoc on so many others.

  Something else Volf had said stuck with her.

  You don’t have to do it because you want to or because it’s right.

  He’d been telling her to fight because he was fighting, and he was just as scared, but she wouldn’t fight for him. She’d fight because it was right. That’s what she’d always done. She’d always protected others and she’d continue to do so, even if she was afraid of her foe and was nearly certain she’d die.

  She clung to that and used it to propel her forward.

  Even if it was toward her own doom.

  Jais felt an odd conflict grow within him. He was so angry and sorrowful at Elria’s death and not having had the chance to speak to the dragon, and yet a hope was springing up within him as he laid his hands on this egg. The not-yet-living dragon held so much potential, not only for him, but for the world.

  Everyone thought the dragons were long dead, but perhaps, like this one had been, they were simply in hiding. Perhaps they had kept on, perhaps they had lived and had many other eggs like this one. It gave a certain light to the darkness he’d felt closing in around him.

  He waded out of the ash, the remains of the old dragon, and sat heavily on the stone floor.

  What did this all mean?

  He drew out his father’s sword, laid it across his knees, and put a hand to the wide blade.

  Father?

  Yes son, I’m here.

  I’m feeling…

  I know, I can feel it too. I’m sorry for your loss.

  But… I still don’t know so much about who I am!

  The soul within the blade laughed a little. Yet you are talking to your long dead father. To many this would be more than enough. I am sorry I cannot tell you more of our heritage, even I don’t know much about where we came from. But I can tell you about your mother and me. I don’t have all my memories. Being in this place is not natural, and part of me was lost in the transition to the blade. But I do have flashes and there are many things I can recall. I cannot give you your heritage, but I can give you at least a little of your family.

  But would that tell him who he was? Would he know all of what he could do? His father’s spirit within the sword had already told him he didn’t know that information. As much as the soul may have felt his feelings or know what he’d been through, it didn’t know him, only what it had experienced with him.

  Yes, I am sorry for that. I wish I could tell you more. There was a pause and what felt like a heavy sigh. I wish I could have known you, my son. I am so sorry we had to leave you behind with your aunt and uncle.

  Why did you? Aunt Sarelle never told me. She only ever said it was to protect me. Why was I safer with her than with you?

  There was another hesitation from the spirit within the blade. Your mother and I were a bit more militant in our beliefs than your aunt. Sarelle saw the world turning against the drahksani and thought to hide, to become just another human. We could not do that. We weren’t looking for a fight, but we tried for a long time to change how people saw us. It worked, for a while. Jais got the impression of a shaking head. But in the end, your aunt’s approach was better. By being so open about what we were and trying to help others, eventually even those we were trying to help turned against us. Sarelle had the right idea. Be a human, act like one of them and only use your power when you need to, to help them.

  It didn’t work out in the end for Aunt Sarelle either, Jais reminded his father. The village that she’d helped and healed for years turned on her in an instant.

  We are just out of place in this world, now, his father said wearily. You need to be constantly careful.

  Yes, thank you. Jais put the sword away and rose.

  That hadn’t helped him much. He felt more discouraged now than before.

  It also didn’t help that he was still so very tired. He’d rested a little before Volf woke them to see the egg, but it hadn’t been enough. His body still ached, and his mind was hazy. He was bone-weary and needed a good long rest to even begin to feel normal.

  He didn’t think he was going to get it.

  Caerwyn approached him.

  Her voice was low when she spoke. “Jais, I’m sorry I… I’m sorry for everything. Elria…”

  “That wasn’t your fault, and I’m sorry for what I said. I didn’t mean it.”

  The words rang in his own head: you can die too for all I care. He shuddered.

  “But I chose her.”

  Jais stepped forward and reached out, holding her shoulders, but keeping at arm’s length for a moment. “You made an impossible choice.” He still didn’t understand it, but then he hadn’t been here. That’s what niggled and burned within his soul. Maybe if he’d been here Elria wouldn’t have died, maybe Caer wouldn’t have had to make that choice. Maybe…

  “We all have things we need to deal with. I can’t say I’m not all torn up inside about…” He still couldn’t quite say the words. He swallowed a lump in his throat and went on. “But I don’t blame you. I blame that wizard. And I’m sorry you had to go through that.”

  She nodded. “Thank you. Volf wants to go after the wizard.” There was something odd in her voice when she said this. He couldn’t quite place it. “How do you feel about that?”

  He gave a mirthless single breath of a laugh. “I’m tired as all the souls in Holn, but that I have enough strength for.”

  Another nod from her.

  She broke from his grip and stepped in closer, wrapping her arms around him. He returned the gesture a little unsure where this was coming from but sensed her fragility in that moment and wanted to comfort her.

  Her voice was a breath of a whisper over his right shoulder. “Then we’ll d—” Her breath caught, and he felt her shiver. “We’ll do this together. I’m sorry.”

  Then she was gone, breaking away and moving stiffly off.

  He thought he heard a faint sniffle.

  Something was still very wrong with her.

  He took a step to go after her when a voice broke through the silence and darkness.

  “I’m going after that Shadow-blasted wizard. Who’s with me?” It was Volf.

  “I am!” He heard Barami’s voice from somewhere behind him calling out.

  “Agreed!” Hildr called out as well.

  Jais sighed heavily. “Count me in.” He’d have to figure out what was up with Caerwyn later.

  “Then let’s get this man before he becomes even more powerful. My spirit-link tells me he hasn’t gone too far, perhaps back to the area around Hildr’s village. Caerwyn and I both are still recovering from our interaction with the dragon. We’re hoping to catch him before he’s had time to assimilate whatever powers he acquired. But that means we must go now. I can help us move faster than normal, but it will still take us some time to get there and we don’t want to give him any more time than necessary.” He took a breath. “Are we all ready to go?”

  Jais moved toward Volf. “Let’s do this.”

  Caerwyn arrived at the wiry man about the same time as Jais did. He noticed an odd look she gave him and Volf as she nodded her acquiescence.

  He hoped he’d have time to talk to her before they had to fight the wizard, but something told him that wasn’t to be.

  35

  Other than climbing down the mountain side and moving back acros
s the wall-walk over the river — which had luckily dropped its level far enough that it was no threat to any of them — they had traveled the entire distance back to Hildr’s village using Volf’s shadow-walk.

  Barami found it highly disconcerting, the world flashing by as he took but a single slow step.

  Dawn had come as they’d descended out of the mountains. Now, standing at the base of the hill on which Hildr’s village sat, long shadows still covered them, but the sky was a clear blue above them, the sun risen over the mountain peaks to the east.

  “Holn!” Caerwyn swore.

  “What?” Jais asked.

  But Caerwyn turned to Volf. “You feel that too?”

  Volf nodded turning to the rest of them. “It seems the wizard didn’t retreat to somewhere near the village, but to the village itself. He’s somewhere up at the top of this hill.”

  Now Barami understood Caerwyn’s cursing.

  “Let me see what’s going on up there.” Volf stepped away from them and sat on the ground, his eyes glazing over.

  “What’s he doing?” Hildr asked. Barami was curious as well.

  Caerwyn shrugged. “I don’t know. I’m guessing it’s one of his new abilities. It sounds like he’s able to see what’s happening in another place?”

  Jais stiffened a little at the mention of ‘new abilities.’ Barami felt sorry for the boy. He’d been the one who’d so desperately wanted to know more about who he was, and he’d been the only one not to speak to the dragon.

  They all waited for Volf to finish whatever it was he was doing. Time slipped by. The shadows grew shorter and the sun peered down on them as it cleared the hill next to which they stood.

  Volf drew in a long, shuddering breath, and his eyes snapped open.

  Barami caught the flicker of the other man’s gaze toward Hildr as his expression went from neutral to horrified.

  “I’m sorry,” he said to the Dronnegir woman. “You’re people…”

  “Are they dead?” she asked and Barami was surprised at how composed she sounded. He looked to her. She didn’t look composed. Her eyes were haunted, her lips pressed together, nearly bone white with the pressure.