TAKE ME as I am

by C Osborne, Laurina

  “More than your sex life, your life beyond your children.”

  “Just ask me,” he says dryly.

  “Are you staying?”

  “Do you want me to stay?”

  “I want you to know you can if you want to. Zoi wants to ask you, but she’s doesn’t want to hurt my feelings and I don’t mind knowing where you are.”

  “I would love to see my granddaughter grow up, but I would need a place of my own at some point.”

  “We own the building, so if you let me know I can give one of the tenants notice thirty days before their lease expires if the neighborhood is to your liking.”

  A week before Thanksgiving, my oldest son, Roland, calls to say he’s bringing a girl home. I’m surprised, but I assure him that would be fine. Roland is a super smart kid with what my Granny Nanny would call high-minded ideas. Picking a girl would be more about his intellect than his emotions, so this should be interesting.

  I’m up at five on Thanksgiving Day morning to bake the turkey. Dad’s making shepherd’s pie and I’m handling the rest of the menu. I prepared as much as I could the day before, so today will be less demanding. At around eleven, Etienne comes down to help me cook and wakes up his cousins and Selena, Roland’s friend. Their after-breakfast chatter entertains me as I finish cooking.

  Dinner is at four, so at two-thirty I kick them out then take a shower and get dressed. Mark arrives at three-thirty and helps me set the table. At four o’clock, I call Zoi to let everyone know dinner is served.

  Most of the dinner conversation surrounds getting to know Selena. She was born in Miami to Cuban parents. She is the youngest of four siblings, the only one not married. I still wonder what the attraction is for Roland. She’s beautiful to look at and since she’s in med school, I assume she’s of above average intelligence. She’s funny and practical, but Roland is all about the brain. We talk about college now and then.

  “Mark, how do you and Nella know each other?” Selena asks.

  Before we were seated, I introduced Mark as my friend to my sons and Selena. Mark looks my way and I bite my lip, look down and nod.

  “Nella and I are dating,” Mark says.

  “What?” Roland asks, obviously surprised. He glares at Mark and then at me.

  “Please feel free to express your feelings, Roland; it’s all over your face.”

  “What does he mean you’re dating? You’re my mother,” he says as if I’m fifty and Mark’s twenty or I’m ten and his child.”

  “Yes. We are dating. I believe you and Selena are doing the same.”

  “That’s what we should be doing,” he states.

  “And what exactly should I be doing?” I ask, feeling let down.

  “You are my mother,” he pronounces. “You cannot date him or anyone else.”

  “Why?”

  “You’re a mother. Your days of dating are past. What are Zander and I supposed to do? Visit you at your husband’s house?”

  “Mark and I are dating. We are getting to know each other and that includes introducing him to my family.”

  The look on his face says he’s disgusted.

  “Zander, it’s your turn,” I say, sticking the mouth area of my face into my fist.

  “I think it’s great, Mom. It’s nice that you have a life now that we’re almost all gone.”

  I smile. “Thank you, I appreciate that. Etienne?”

  He raises his hand asking me to wait.

  “Ro, what is your problem?”

  “My mom should not be sleeping around at her age.”

  “Selena, how old is your mother?” Etienne asks. I assume it’s for Roland’s benefit.

  “Ah, my mother is fifty-eight, why?” she asks, surprised to be included in the conversation.

  “How old do you think Aunt Nella is?”

  “She looks thirty-five-ish, but she must be older because Roland is twenty-two.”

  “Do you agree with Ro?”

  She stares at Roland then back at her plate. “No. I think a person can fall in love at any age. I think Ro is being selfish.”

  “Selfish? How did you arrive at that conclusion?” he asks her, obviously ready to pick apart her theory.

  Selena leans over the table and looks at me. “I’m going to make some assumptions, please don’t be offended,” she says in a pleading way.

  “Feel free, Selena; no offense will be taken.”

  She turns back to Roland who’s sitting across the table from her. “You said your Aunt and Mom pay your tuition and when you graduate you’ll be debt free, so I thought your Mom must be filthy rich. I ruled out your Dad because you said he was a politician in the Caribbean and they don’t make a ton of money unless they’re crooked. I spent a lot of summers in New York and now I’m here in Brownstone, Brooklyn, here in your Mom’s house and she’s doing well but not so rich as to pay your tuition without feeling it. So, I’m assuming that she probably put all her money into you guys and barely saving for retirement or not at all. Assuming all that, the least you can do is support whatever she does even if you don’t quite believe in it.”

  “That would be hypocritical.”

  “No, that would be loving your Mother and putting her before your childish feelings.”

  “Childish?”

  Etienne cuts in. “Ro, don’t you think Auntie has the right to fall in love?”

  He looks at his plate. “I guess so. I never imagined anyone else but her in our lives. You raised us,” he says glaring at me. “Why would you want anything else?”

  “Roland, I’m your mother, but I’m not dead. Zoi and I put our lives on hold to get all of you into college. I’m free to get a life if I choose.”

  “Why now? You were fine without a man all this time.” I put my elbow on the table again and my chin in my hand. It really isn’t his business. “Mom, why couldn’t you just be private about that part of your life?” he asks.

  I laugh. I have been for almost four years. What would he say if I just tell him? He’s having a hard enough time.

  Etienne cuts in again. “Why didn’t you object to Mom getting married?” he asks Roland.

  Roland glances at Zoi who’s busy nursing the baby with a blanket over Tempest for privacy. She looks back at Roland and then at me. Roland turns his eyes on me. He seems a little embarrassed.

  “Auntie Zo always seemed more like one of us than like Mom’s sister. I mean she was an adult in the house, but Mom was really our mother.”

  All eyes are on Zoi.

  “It’s true Mom,” Etienne says.

  “I don’t deny it, but I think I’m just beginning to understand it.” She looks around the table. “Can all of you just turn away for a second?”

  We do, and I imagine she frees herself from the baby, passes Tempest to Darnell and then straightens her clothes.

  “I had Etienne at fourteen and I had no idea what to do. Although Nella was just sixteen, she knew everything. I won’t deny she was my mother too. Now that I have Tempest, I’m beginning to realize what a huge responsibility it is. If I don’t feed Tempest she will starve; if I don’t change her, she stays messy; if I don’t listen and figure out what her cries mean, I get stressed and she feels it and behaves similarly. I am totally responsible for her.”

  She stops and glares at Roland.

  “Nella deserves to have whatever she wants. I have never felt totally responsible for us.” She stops again and tears run down her face.

  I stand and Dad grabs my hand and motions for me to sit down.

  “I’m sorry; it’s my hormones.” She quickly dries her eyes. “If things went wrong I would fix it and if I couldn’t I knew Nella would. I had no idea of the stress involved. Mark is a really nice guy and personally I hope they take it all the way.”

  “All the way?” Roland asks in ignorance.

  “You brought a girl home, so I’m assuming you understand the process,” Etienne says.

  “What process?” Roland asks eyeing Etienne.

  “Lov
e, Bro. When you bring a girl home it means that she’s important to you or you’re on the way there and you want your family to meet her and approve.”

  “Are you saying Mom’s in love?”

  “You know, you boast to me ‘bout how near genius you’re IQ is, but you have no clue. Mark is important to Aunt Nella and she doesn’t need to ask your permission to date him. She’s telling you she’s dating and may end up wherever she ends up. Suck it up!”

  “Well said,” Darnell chimes in.

  “You know what? Let’s just drop it. Ro, you’re entitled to your feelings, but you should know that wherever I live you will always be welcomed in my home.”

  After dessert, the boys stack the dishwasher while I pack away the leftovers. I call Zoi pretending to need her help to pack food for her to take upstairs.

  “Zo, I’m here if you need me. I’m trying to let you have this one, but I’m not off limits.”

  “I know, but I don’t know, you know? I feel like an idiot most of the time and having Dad around helps, but he’s a man. He listens more than he talks.”

  “You want me around more?” I ask as the tears creep down her face.

  “Of course I do,” she says, clutching me.

  Darnell comes by the counter and mouths, “Is she okay?”

  I nod and he walks back to Selena and takes the baby.

  “I’m not hanging back to punish you,” I say, moving out of the embrace slowly. “It’s just that when I was walking around in St. Matthews I wished I had let you fight for yourself more, let you strengthen your wings. Etienne is closer to me than to you, and I know that doesn’t bother you, but I regret that. Tempest is your baby and she shouldn’t have any doubts about who her mother is. I’m her aunt and I’ll be very involved just as we always do it, except you’re leading this time, okay?”

  “Okay,” she says and I see relief on her face as I wipe her tears.

  One of the boys put reggae music on. I watch as they move the two sofas farther apart and the cocktail table closer to the fireplace. Mark finds his way into the kitchen and we hug.

  “I’m relieved it was all on me,” I say, ending the hug.

  “I wish it was the other way around though,” Mark says.

  “He’ll come around, but I’m glad it’s over.”

  Mark stands behind me with his arms wrapped around my shoulders. We watch as Selena shows Roland how to move to dance hall music. He’s a poor student, so Zander taps his shoulder and shows him the sofa. Zander seems to be a better match for Selena. I notice that she keeps the dancing cleaner than what we see on TV or in the clubs. I’m impressed. She grabs Etienne and the three of them are keeping us entertained.

  When the song ends, she pulls Roland to his feet and starts over with him. She steps out with one foot, brings it back, then steps out with the other foot and brings it back. She has him repeat after her until he gets it right. She keeps going then adds some waist movement and he does the same. Then she double steps and surprisingly he follows without a hitch. Selena then adds some arm movement like she’s flying and he catches on. Zander stands and shows Roland how to add movements that are more comfortable for a man’s body and he’s actually enjoying himself.

  Selena proceeds to teach Darnell to do the heel and toe. She steps out with her heel and pivots her toes and after several tries he does it as they do the one-two-three count. He finally catches on and we have a full-fledged party although we keep the volume of the music to moderate for the baby’s sake.

  After awhile, Selena changes the music and extends her hand to Dad. He takes it and to everyone’s surprise, except to Selena’s, they tango effortlessly.

  When the music slows down, Dad takes me in his arms and we waltz. Tears run down my face. It was not an occasion I had dreamed about or longed for, but it feels that way. Zoi gives the baby to Mark and his face lights up as if it’s his baby and Zo dances with Darnell. He holds her tightly around her waist, lifts her up to stand her on his feet and very slowly they glide around the floor.

  It’s a memorable night and at the end I reluctantly kiss Mark and watch him drive off in his new car.

  Back inside at the dinner table, Selena and the boys are eating, debating and laughing. Dad and Darnell are having coconut tart and coffee. I walk to the bedroom and Zo’s sleeping in my bed. Tempest is on the right side of the room in her bassinet. I touch her face lightly and then walk back to the living room. I sit between Dad and Darnell.

  “Are you going to marry him?” Darnell asks sounding drunk.

  “Marry him? I don’t need another husband. Besides, Roland is twenty-two and you witnessed his behavior, imagine Mark’s two much smaller children. It’s a one day at a time thing and getting along and spending time together is enough for me.”

  “You do know that feelings grow and people have a knack for wanting to be with each other, in each other’s company constantly, especially if they’re in love,” Dad adds. I turn to stare at him. “Yes, I said fall in love. If you are not there yet you will be very soon.”

  “Dad, what I share with Mark right now is good; I would like to keep it that way. I will not think beyond today … except for Christmas.”

  “What’s happening Christmas?” Darnell asks.

  “I will visit his family unless I can come up with a really good excuse not to go.”

  “Your niece’s first Christmas,” Darnell says.

  “Thank you, Darnell! Tempest needs her favorite aunt to be present for her first Christmas,” I say with a big grin and turn to Dad, “and her favorite grandfather’s first Christmas too.” I reach out my hand to him.

  Two weeks before Christmas I accompany Mark shopping for his children, parents, siblings and other relatives. Since I don’t know them, I’m just keeping his company and agreeing or disagreeing about color. I try to get a feel for what I should get him, but he isn’t talking, not even a hint.

  We eat lunch at a pizza restaurant in Grand Central Station, then shop some more. We hold gloved hands in the streets or interlock our arms without giving a thought to what people might think. At the end of the day, we drop off his purchases and forego dinner out, so we can cook together. We share the kitchen and talk about some of the changes he has made at work, then his cell phone rings.

  He looks at it. “Tiffany.”

  He calls her honey. He tells her he’s cooking. They talk about what happened in school that week and he behaves as if he were talking to me. They discuss Christmas. He tells her he has already shopped and no, he cannot return what he bought her.

  After I finish my share of the cooking, I walk out of the kitchen, over to the family room, sit on the sofa and turn on the TV. It’s a big open space similar to my apartment, with darker hardwood flooring, hand woven rug, a monster flat screen, up scaled furniture and of course it’s much bigger, and the view of Brooklyn, the Bridge and the water is unbelievable. I wonder if he had at least hinted about a girlfriend to his parents because it doesn’t sound as if he did to Tiffany. He asks to speak to Zack and I stop listening. Maybe I should meet them before the summer after all.

  Mark and I plan to spend the night together in my apartment before he travels to Canada to celebrate Christmas. Roland is in Miami with Selena, and Zander is spending the weekend in the Bronx with Joey, his buddy from high school. We start with dinner and then I give him his Christmas gift, a platinum men’s ID, chain bracelet, housed in a white box tied with candy cane ribbon.

  “I have always wanted a bracelet, but I always got watches. Thank you, Nella,” he says as he holds out his hand for me to put it on.

  “I had a really hard time choosing. You seem to have everything.”

  “I do,” he says kissing me. “I have you. Your gift is really for both of us and I hope I’m not going too fast.”

  He hands it to me and I shake it. The box measures about five-by-eleven, a bright, beautiful-red tied with a white ribbon. I open it slowly as I sneak glances at him. There’s an envelope sitting on the white cotton that s
ays “Eunella” in calligraphic letters. Inside are two airline tickets. I glance at him and then back at the tickets. They’re to Jamaica. My heart jumps.

  “Mark, this is great! I have always wanted to go to Jamaica but …” I stop. “You’re taking me to see your grandmother?”

  “Yes, is it too soon?”

  “No. I can handle grandmothers better than parents and children.” I stand and move on to his lap. “This is the best gift, thank you.”

  I kiss him and I can’t stop smiling.

  “I thought it would freak you out, so I’m glad you want to go.”

  “When do we go?”

  “When you get a break or a long weekend.”

  I nod. “Are you going to Canada for New Year’s?”

  “I hadn’t planned on it, why?”

  “Well, I think you may be right; I should meet the kids before they come for the summer and New Year’s may be it.”

  “Okay, we could go for the long weekend.”

  I move back to my chair.

  “I don’t want to hurt your feelings, but I would like to stay in a hotel,” I say and slowly turn toward him for a reaction.

  “Are you afraid of my parents?”

  I look up to the ceiling. “Not afraid,” I say gazing back at him. “It’s more like if things don’t go well I can always leave.”

  He appears to be thinking.

  “I can’t guarantee that everything will be fine; however, if I take you home with me from New York and put you in a hotel my mother will feel insulted.”

  A feeling passes over me. It not what he said but how his tone of voice makes me feel. “Mark, give it to me straight.”

  “My parents are still hoping Chloe and I will get back together.”

  “So why are you rushing for me to meet them?”

  “Because of that.”

  “That what?” I ask, feeling confused.

  “Your desire to keep what we have casual.”

  I stand up and move close to the sliding glass door with its aging vertical blinds open. What does casual mean?

  “Do you mean casual or do you mean my desire to not formalize it?”

  “Same thing.”