TAKE ME as I am

by C Osborne, Laurina

  “It’s one of the reasons.”

  He puts his fingers under my chin and I look in his eyes.

  “I don’t know if I believe in fortunetellers. I believe we are all given skills, gifts if you prefer that word, and sometimes we choose to accept, appreciate and develop them, and sometimes we choose to discard them. I believe intuitively some of us can read other people’s intentions by studying their behavior, and by knowing what they’ve done in the past we can successfully predict their future behavior.” He stops and uses his thumb to caress my cheek.

  “I can’t tell you that what she said was wrong. You and I both know that our thoughts and actions have more to do with the way our lives turn out than with what someone told us years ago. Eunella, it’s your life. Have some faith and live it.”

  After cake and birthday toasts, I take Zoi into her bedroom and show her Mark’s gift to me.

  “This is gorgeous!” Zoi exclaims turning it over and around her fingers. She touches the corals as if they’re a delicacy. “It’s a vintage coral bracelet with diamond cuts. Nella, do you have any idea how much this costs?” she whispers, as if there was someone else in the room.

  “No,” I say and my heart races.

  Zoi glances at my face and laughs.

  “You know the guy is rich,” she says and stops. She’s examining the fear on my face. “Nella, in the scheme of things it’s probably nothing compared to what he’s worth. Do you like the bracelet?”

  “Yes, a lot. It inspired me to tell Darnell to get you the ring.”

  She touches my face and gives me an intense look. “Then wear it and remember how it made you feel to get it from him.”

  She opens the clasp and puts it on my hand.

  “Zo, what if I lose it?”

  “Don’t lose it.”

  I sit on the bed and stare at it. It is beautiful and my favorite color. “If I manage to lose it, how many mortgage payments will I have to save to replace it?”

  “Nell,” she says. I hear the exasperation in her voice. “You have to relax and start enjoying life like Dad said. I was so proud of you for leaving a well paying job to start over doing something you love without a thought to the money. We’re over the hump, and no matter what happens you’ll be fine. Besides, if you lose it, he has insurance. I guarantee it,” she says, laughing and I laugh too feeling relieved.

  That night, I explain to Mark why I didn’t wear the bracelet then we talk about Zoi and Darnell.

  “How’d you know the ring would be enough to get Zoi to make love to Darnell?”

  “Because of the way I felt getting the bracelet from you this morning. I’m not a lover or connoisseur of jewelry, but Zoi is.”

  “It was nice that you remembered how she felt about that ring.”

  “But you were a little shocked that I made her return it in the first place.”

  “Yes. The idea that you denied her something that her heart wanted, I just never thought possible, knowing the way you feel about her. And she was a grown woman.”

  “It was a long time before Zo was a grown woman in my head,” I say easing myself up on my elbow to look at his face. “We were always equals; we discussed everything as if we were husband and wife, except we weren’t. The emotions of being right or blaming each other were left out. We weighed each other’s arguments and when Zo just didn’t know, whatever I did was fine.”

  I drop back on the bed.

  “Looking back at it now, I really had no right to deny her something so meaningful to her; except, to me it was a material thing, something intangible that was not worth spending that much money on.”

  He touches my nose with the tip of his finger.

  “Today, you learned the value of a material thing is not necessarily the dollar amount attached to it, but the worth the human emotion has placed on it.”

  I glance at his face in surprise.

  “Yes. At age forty that is exactly what I learnt today.”

  “When I watched you hug Ben and not only tell him but showed him that you loved him unconditionally, I know you’re the woman I want in my life forever. Nella,” he says, touching my cheek, “do you think you could ever get to the place where you will love me that way?”

  Our eyes lock and I nod. “Only if you take me as I am and promise to love me that way too.”

  His eyes are on my lips; he runs his finger over them and his eyes slowly move up to mine.

  “I promise,” he says as his lips touch mine.

  I feel a sensation course through my body. I close my eyes and as Mark’s lips move to my neck, I reach up and touch his head, moving my hands slowly over his body knowing that wherever he’s about to take me is exactly where I want to go. I hear the phone vibrating and I kiss Mark a little harder, so he knows I’m ignoring it. But he slowly stops and hands the phone to me.

  I shake my head and kiss him.

  “It’s your birthday,” he says softly returning my kiss.

  I take the phone.

  “Hello?”

  “Is it too late to wish you happy birthday?”

  “No,” I say skeptically. “Thank you.”

  “Are you still celebrating? I know it’s late.”

  “Matt, is that you?”

  “Yes. I’m in New York at the airport and wanted to catch you before the day ended.”

  I turn to Mark and mouth, “I’m sorry.”

  “What are you doing in New York?”

  “We’re in Oswego buying a fire truck if you can believe that.”

  “A fire truck? Is St. Matthews burning?” I ask laughing.

  “It’s a preventative thing. Are you busy on Friday? We’ll be in the city and I would really like to see you.”

  I smile. “No. I’m free Friday and I would love to see you too. Is Samantha with you?”

  “No, government business,” he says with regret in his voice.

  I take a deep breath and climb out of the bed. I walk to the study and sit down.

  “Tell me.”

  “He spoke to the boys. They told him they would be home because you’re having a party. They invited him.”

  I look up at the ceiling. “What am I in for?”

  “We’ll talk about it on Friday. It’s your birthday and I’m spending New York money on this call. See you Friday morning?”

  “Yes. Thanks, Matt. I’ll see you on Friday.”

  I close the phone. I know Matt’s trying to warn me. What the hell does he want?

  I turn and Mark’s in the doorway staring at me. I turn the phone off and walk toward him.

  “That was Matt. He’s in Oswego and he wanted to say happy birthday.”

  I walk pass him and climb into bed. He’s standing at the bottom of the bed and I know the mood is gone, but it’s not like I planned it. I avoid his face.

  “Are you coming to bed?” I ask, turning my back to his side of the bed.

  “Tell me what’s going on.”

  I reach up and turn off the light. He doesn’t need to see my face. His lamp is still on, but my back is to it. He sits on my side of the bed where he can judge my reaction. I turn on my back and take his right hand in mine.

  “I’m not sure. They, Keith included, are in Oswego on government business but will be in the city on Friday. Matt said the boys spoke to their father and invited him to the party on Saturday. Matt will tell me when he sees me what’s going on.”

  “But you’re anticipating trouble.”

  “I can’t imagine what he would want from me. His sons are grown and they can make their own decisions.”

  “Are you still afraid of him?”

  I glance at Mark’s face. I shake my head, but I’m not sure. “No, why should I be? He got into office without my presence and unless they decide to become independent there’s no higher position.”

  “Nella, you still don’t believe he loved you?”

  “No. I know what your grandmother said, but how can he?” He stares at me and I’m beginning to wonder if it’s one o
f those things I’m too dumb to realize. “Mark, it’s been fifteen years. We have not had a kind word to say to each other in all those years.”

  He’s still silent. I’m getting frustrated.

  “Okay, tell me what I refuse to see.”

  “A man can have sex with … others and still be in love with his wife. It’s not an ideal situation, but it happens every day all over the world. He has an ego and losing you may not have been easy especially since he had no say in it.”

  I remove my hand from his and pull myself up against the headboard. I feel like I need to defend myself. I pull my knees up and cradle my arms across my chest.

  “Are you saying what I did was wrong? I mean … I know parts of it were, like taking the children, but are you saying I should have stayed after what he did to me?”

  “If you had reported him maybe the police would have handled it.”

  I scoff. “Even in this country spousal rape is hard to prove. In St. Matthews, there is no such thing. A girl gets raped and some kind of livestock is offered to pacify the girl’s parents. It’s an acceptable practice and the woman is always to blame.”

  “I’m not saying you’re wrong,” he says, standing and turning his back on me as he weaves his fingers through his hair. “I’m trying to imagine myself in his position. I would never be violent with a woman, but if I made a mistake I would like the chance to be able to correct it.” He glares at me as if the wrong was done to him. “Imagine him coming home that night and his wife, who he possibly loves, and his children are gone. He can’t even try to find them and he has no idea if he will see them again.”

  I scramble out of the bed and rush past him.

  He grabs me.

  “Nella, don’t go,” he says hurriedly. He holds me in a bear hug. “I’m not trying to make you feel guilty or say what you did was wrong. I’m trying to get you to see that it’s possible you have unfinished business with him.”

  I take a deep breath and turn in his arms. I lay my head on his chest, but I refuse to put my arms around him. He puts his chin on top of my head and holds me close. We stand like that for a minute then my arms creep up around his waist. He holds me tighter while I squeeze him too.

  “I don’t care if he hates me. I don’t care if I never see him again,” I say passionately.

  “Do you care that every time he is somewhere in the neighborhood his brother has to call and warn you? Imagine how Matt feels betraying his brother.”

  The word betraying lays flat in my mind and turns over. It becomes a three dimensional sign. I would never betray Zoi for anyone even if she’s wrong.

  “Nella, do your other friends treat you the same way Matt does?”

  I pull back and inspect his face. “I’m not in love with Matt and yes, my friends would warn me if they knew I was walking into a situation that could be upsetting.”

  “Would you treat Zoi the way Matt is treating Keith?”

  I separate myself from him this time and walk back to the bed. I climb in.

  “I hope Matt is not in love with me,” I say, looking at Mark’s face. “Actually, I don’t believe he is. I never told him about the rape except when I saw Keith last year; but he knew I found Keith in bed with a man. When I sent the kids home I always sent them to Matt and they were free to be with their father. We talked a lot during those years, but it was never anything beyond friendship.”

  “He was your boyfriend.”

  “He was never my boyfriend,” I practically yell at him.

  “He wasn’t, yet he was going to ask you to marry him, so says his wife, right?”

  “Mark, what the hell are you implying?” I ask angrily.

  “That sometimes you’re as innocent as Zoi. He may not have been your boyfriend, but you were his girlfriend. For his sake you need to work it out with your ex. Matt needs to give his full attention to his wife and stop trying to protect you.”

  I cut my eyes at him and turn over under the covers.

  He lies on his back in the bed.

  He thinks it’s my fault. I close my eyes and open them again.

  “I want Matt to give Samantha his full attention. They’re my friends and I want their marriage to last.”

  He doesn’t answer.

  “What did I do wrong?”

  “When you confronted him you got your say by embarrassing him. You feel better about it, but he doesn’t.”

  “Why should I care how he feels?”

  “He was your husband, the father of your children. What happens if one of them should get married?”

  I turn over and glare at him. “I know you believe he loved me, but I’m not stupid. Keith did not love me. Trust me on that,” I say and turn my back to him again.

  “Is there something you’re not telling me?”

  I will never tell him. I will never tell anyone. I wipe my eyes.

  “Nella?” He touches my shoulder. “There’s nothing you can tell me that’ll make me love you less.”

  “Good night,” I say, hoping he will let it drop.

  I feel him move closer to me, so we could spoon. He puts his arm over me and holds my hand. I squeeze his hand to let him know I’m not mad.

  The following morning before Mark leaves for work, I ask him if I could invite my Dad over for lunch. He seems shocked that I ask and suggests I invite Zoi too. I invite both Zoi and Dad. To be polite, I ask Dad to bring Trudy. It turns out Trudy has to be in the New York office, so I’m relieved.

  When they arrive, Zoi tours the apartment while Dad stands on the small balcony awestruck by the view.

  “This is what one calls a million dollar view. I can see Ground Zero, and is that Staten Island and the Brooklyn Bridge, isn’t it? Eunella this is truly grand,” he says and I pretend not to hear him.

  “Nella, how do you leave here and go back to Brooklyn?” Zoi asks descending the stairs. “His mother did not decorate this. She may have made some suggestions, but this has Mark all over it. Where did he get the lamps in the bedroom?”

  She drops down in the seat next to me. “What did you make for lunch? I’m starving.”

  “Your favorite, Dad’s favorite and my favorite,” I say, still trying to talk to Tempest.

  “We don’t all have the same favorite,” Zoi says.

  “She ordered out,” Dad says hitting the nail on the head.

  “It’ll be here in five minutes. Tempest is different, Zo. She’s laughing more and she’s ticklish. She’s holding herself up too.”

  “Are you going to move in with him?” Zoi asks.

  “No. I said yes to marriage and we even obtained a marriage license, so he has it in writing; that should be enough.”

  Dad finally leaves the balcony and joins us inside.

  “Why are you making a point of being hard?” he asks.

  “I’m not being hard. I was going to ask him if I could move in as a way to get him off the marriage path, but the engagement thing came up first. I don’t know if I want to live with him. I like having my own place and this is already his. If we’re fighting, I can always go home.”

  “If you’re fighting, you can always sleep in the guest room down here.”

  “Dad, would you live with a woman?”

  “I have in the past. They have moved in and moved out when it was over. I didn’t mind having someone there when I arrived home. The trouble always started when I didn’t come home.”

  “Why would a man want to get married if he can get free milk?” I ask Dad.

  “For security. Women think of security in terms of money, but men think of it in terms of companionship. I find this woman and if she turns out to be the one I fancy, I will marry her. If she’s not, I will keep on looking. Monogamous men are looking for the one person who satisfies most of their needs. They get that and marriage is the next step.”

  He stops and scrutinizes me. “What does Mark need to do to get you to the altar, Eunella?”

  I take a deep breath, but before I can answer the doorbell rings.
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br />   “I’ll get it; answer Dad,” Zoi says.

  “The money is on the table by the door, let him keep the change.” I turn back to Dad. “I’m not sure. I was married before and being on my own and making my own decisions for the past fifteen years has left me not necessarily wanting marriage. Mark’s a great guy and I … I just want him to want me for me. If I can get him to drop all the other stuff and have no expectations I will marry him.”

  “And I take it the other stuff means children,” Dad says.

  “Yes.”

  “Did Mark ever come out and tell you children were a deal breaker?”

  “Not exactly. His ex-wife didn’t want any more children and asked him to get a vasectomy, but he wanted more kids. She offered to have more children if they got back together.”

  “And knowing how you feel about more children, he chose you.”

  “Not to cut you two short, but can we eat while we talk?” Zoi asks.

  Zoi had already set us up at the table and I buckle Tempest in her car seat while Dad washes his hands. We start eating and as promised it’s our favorite foods, so talking takes a backseat. Dad’s question still rolls around in my head. What does Mark need to do to get me to marry him?

  He has to be in love with me.

  I need to feel safe with him.

  He has to believe in us.

  He has to treat me as if I’m special to him. As if I’m a gift, as if we are friends.

  He has to talk to me a lot.

  “Zo, why did you marry Darnell, besides good sex?”

  “He loved me. When he came for … your butt … I could tell that my face was more important than what he saw in the park, except he thought your butt was mine. Any guy that stupid … well … it’s important to wait and see what happens next. I was in a relationship, but he called me every day and when I finally agreed to go on a date with him, I showed up two hours late for dinner. He took me out without fussing or making a big deal.”

  “Mark said the reason Darnell didn’t notice the butt was mine was because he fell in love with you, the innocence that makes you Zoi.”

  She smiles big. “Yes. I take back what I said before. What Mark said is my answer.”

  “For my birthday I was going to have my tubes tied.”