Death's Excellent Vacation

by Charlaine Harris

  “If another vampire did decide to get involved with the contract on you, he or she could follow us back here and try to take you out,” I said quietly.

  Tammy gave us a shrewd look. “And then you could catch them. Find out where my cousin is, I’d bet. I saw you in action against that ghoul, Cat. How about you, Bones? You’re a tough guy, right? Because I want this over. I want my life back.”

  Fabian floated in the room. “I could be the lookout. No other vampire or ghoul would notice me. I’d help keep Tammy safe.”

  Poor Fabian, he was right. Vampires and ghouls were notoriously disrespectful of ghosts. They ignored them more than most humans ignored homeless people.

  “Thanks, Fabian,” I said. “We could really use your help.”

  “It’s so weird when you do that,” Tammy muttered.

  I hid a smile. Some part of me thought Tammy didn’t believe Fabian existed and that we just pretended to speak with him to mess with her.

  “I’ll help protect her,” my mother said. Her face was closed off, as if she were fighting back memories. Once again, I hated what had been done to her because of me.

  Bones rose from his chair. “All right. If we’re going to Bite tomorrow, it’s time you learn to defend yourself, Tammy.”

  She gave him a startled look. “Isn’t that what I’m paying you two for?”

  I didn’t correct Tammy by saying my uncle and his department were getting her money, not Bones or me. I hoped Don wasn’t taking Tammy to the cleaners, but he was a government official.

  “You should still know basic skills. After all, you’re a pretty girl, and predators can have heartbeats, too.”

  Tammy brightened at the compliment. I hid a smile. Flattery would make her much more accommodating, as Bones would know.

  Bones went into the kitchen and came out with a steak knife. He dangled it in front of Tammy, who looked at it doubtfully.

  “What do you expect me to do with this?”

  “Stab me with it,” Bones replied. “In the heart.”

  Her mouth hung open. It was the first time I’d seen her speechless. “You’re kidding?” she finally got out.

  “You need to learn how to protect yourself against a vampire. Granted, your odds would be dismal, but your advantage is that no vampire would see you as a threat.”

  “That’s how I managed to kill so many of them when I was your age,” I chimed in. “The element of surprise can save your life.”

  Tammy looked at the knife again. “I don’t know . . .”

  Bones let out an exasperated noise. “Justina, come here and show her how it’s done.”

  My mother looked more surprised than Tammy had when the whole conversation began. I was taken aback, too.

  “You want me to stab you?” my mother asked in disbelief.

  Bones gave her an impish grin. “Come on, Mum. How many times have you dreamed about that?”

  My mother got up, took the knife, and then stuck it right in the middle of Bones’s chest. He never flinched or moved to block her.

  “See, Tammy, this is how most people would think to do it,” Bones said calmly. “But Justina knows the blade isn’t in deep enough, nor is it in the right place. The heart’s a bit to the left, not exactly in the center. And she didn’t twist the knife, which is what you must always, always do to kill a vampire, unless you’ve stabbed the heart with more than one knife.”

  Bones took the knife out and handed it back to my mother. “Now, Justina, show her how it’s really done.”

  My mother looked even more startled, but she took the blade, aimed more carefully this time, and shoved it in with a small shudder.

  “Twist,” Bones said, as if this didn’t hurt him, which it would, even if steel through the heart wasn’t fatal. Only silver was.

  My mother gave the blade a turn to the right. Bones caught her hand and jerked it, hard, in a ragged circle. Tammy gasped at the blood that stained his shirt.

  “That’s how you do it,” he said, voice as neutral as if pain weren’t searing through him. I felt it, though, and it was all I could do not to yelp and demand he stop. “Rough, quick, and thorough, else you won’t get a second chance.”

  He let go of my mother’s hand and pulled out the knife, wiping it on his ruined shirt. “Let’s show Tammy how it’s done from the back now.”

  Tears pricked my eyes. Not because of the pain from Bones’s wound; that was already healed. It was because I finally understood what he was doing. Bones wasn’t trying to train Tammy. He was showing my mother how to defend herself, something she never would have allowed him to do under normal circumstances. But thinking it was for Tammy’s benefit made her follow his instructions, learning how to jab a knife in the right place front and back, then how to deflect some standard defensive maneuvers.

  Fabian caught my eye and winked. The ghost knew what Bones was doing, too.

  By the time Bones announced it was Tammy’s turn, I’d fallen in love with him all over again. Flowers and jewelry worked for most girls as a romantic gesture, but here I was, misty-eyed at watching him show my mother how to stab the shit out of him.

  Tammy was human, so it took her longer to get the gist of things. Still, after an hour, she was sweaty, bloody, and very proud of herself for successfully stabbing Bones several times in the heart.

  “Just call me Buffy,” she said with a smirk.

  “I’m tired,” I said, faking a yawn. “I’m heading to bed.”

  Bones’s eyes lit up. Fabian disappeared out the door, saying he wanted to double-check the grounds. My mother gave me a look. Only Tammy didn’t seem to realize that no vampire ever yawned for real.

  “See you tomorrow,” Tammy said. “I’ve got to shower anyway.”

  I went up the stairs. Bones stayed below, waiting. By the time I heard Tammy’s shower turn on, I also heard light, quick footsteps coming up the stairs.

  When Bones entered the bedroom, I’d convinced myself that the noise from Tammy’s shower would be sufficient to muffle my mother’s hearing. Or that my mom had suddenly gone deaf. And when Bones took me in his arms, I stopped thinking about anything else.

  Seven

  THIS could be the beginning of a bad joke, I thought as we bypassed the line and strode into Bite. Three vampires and a human walk into a bar . . .

  If a rogue undead hit man was after Tammy, we were hoping he took the bait and followed us home, because we had a hell of a surprise waiting for him. And here was also hoping that Poppy, the vampire Bones chatted up last weekend, had repeated Bones’s tale about the snotty rich human he was guarding. And how he’d be back tonight with her.

  My mother refused to dance. She sat at the bar, shutting down every man who approached her, human or otherwise. She really cared for Rodney, I thought, my heart squeezing at the memory of the murdered friend my mother had briefly dated. I hope she finds someone special again.

  We went through the motions of having a good time, dancing, drinking—no alcohol for Tammy, even though she begged—and then dancing again while Bones renewed his acquaintance with Poppy. It didn’t escape my notice that Verses stared at us. From his expression, he sensed something was up and didn’t want it at his club. Well, neither did we. That’s why we had booby traps waiting back at our house and Fabian there on sentry duty. Come on over, would-be killer. We have treats ready.

  After two A.M., we headed out to the parking lot. Out of habit, I had my hand near my sleeves, where several throwing knives lined my arms. We were three rows away from our Hummer when the air became electrified. Bones and I whirled at the same time, each of us pulling out a knife. My mother grabbed Tammy. Several vampires dropped from the sky to land in a wide circle around us.

  Oh fuck, was my thought. We’d left Bite only a few seconds ago. Not nearly enough time to coordinate this kind of attack. I counted, noting the vibe wafting off each of them. Twelve vampires, several of them Masters. Too many of them to be just about killing a human heiress. This wasn’t about Tammy.
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br />   Bones knew it, too. He gave an almost languid look around, but I could feel his tenseness grating across my subconscious. “X, what an unpleasant surprise. This clearly isn’t coincidence, so tell me, who betrayed me?”

  The black-haired vampire addressed as X stepped forward. “A human hires a hit man to kill his cousin for money, boring. That same hit man botches the job twice, funny. Then the desperate hit man sends a ghoul after the girl to finish things up, my curiosity’s piqued. That same ghoul ends up with his head cut off by a mysterious redhead . . . ah. Now I’m interested.”

  “Who’s your friend, honey?” I asked Bones, not taking my eyes off X.

  “Former coworker, you could say. An overly competitive one who got brassed off when I killed several of his best clients.”

  Former coworker. X must not have been a small-time hit man for Bones to refer to him that way, which meant the vampires with him had to be badasses, too. Our chances just got downgraded from slim to screwed.

  “Could my old friend Bones be involved, I wondered?” X went on. “The young heiress has government connections, it turns out, and so does the Reaper. And the Reaper’s supposed to be such a bleeding heart when it comes to humans. When another rumor spread that the human heiress would be here tonight, I took precautions in case I was right about who was protecting her. And lucky me, I was.”

  Precautions? That was one way to describe the dozen vampires surrounding us, all of whom were armed to the teeth. I glanced back at the nightclub. Would anyone come to our aid? Or would they stick to the whole “no violence on the premises” thing and stay the hell away?

  “You’re here for me, leave her out of it,” Bones said, with a barely perceptible nod at Tammy. “Let her go back inside, and we’ll settle this ourselves.”

  “She may not be why I’m here, but I’ll be sure to kill her, too, so I don’t risk war.”

  Clever bastard. If X killed us while we were defending Tammy, he could call it business. Tammy had a contract out on her; otherwise, Bones’s people could consider it personal and retaliate for our slaughter. X was covering his bases well.

  Tammy began to whimper. X gave her a genial smile. “If it makes you feel better, your cousin’s dead. I killed him after I learned what I needed to know about you.”

  So that’s why Don couldn’t find Gables, not that it did us any good now.

  Bones glanced at me. “Kitten, are you getting angry yet?”

  I knew what he meant. Since I found out I’d absorbed fire-starting power from the pyrokinetic vampire I drank from, I’d fought to keep that borrowed ability under control. But now, I let all the repressed anger, determination, fear, and sadness from the past few months roar to the surface. My hands became engulfed in blue flames, sparks shooting onto the ground.

  “Kill her!” X shouted.

  Knives flew at me in a blur. I rolled to avoid them, concentrating on X. Two months ago, I’d burned an entire property and exploded a Master vampire’s head right off his shoulders. Burn, I thought, glaring at X. Burn.

  Except . . . he didn’t catch fire. Sparks still shot from my flame-covered hands, but nothing more lethal came out of them. I shook my hands in frustration. Work, damn you! Flame on, fingers!

  But the previous deadly streams of fire that had scared me with their ferocity seemed to have vanished. The most dangerous thing I could do with my hands now was light someone’s cigarette.

  “Oh, shit,” my mother whispered.

  I couldn’t agree more.

  “Protect Tammy,” I yelled, then grabbed for my knives, cursing as I tried to dodge another hail of blades aimed at me. Some of them found their mark, but none in my chest, thank God. Still, that silver burned where it landed, making me fight the urge to yank it out. I flung some of my weapons instead, adding more silver to the barrage Bones had just sent. Then I rolled behind one of the cars for cover, finally getting the chance to snatch out the silver embedded in my shoulders and legs.

  Tammy screamed as some of the vampires took to the air. I took two of the knives I’d pulled from my body and sent them winging at the vampire closest to where she was crouched. The blades found their mark, and he crashed into a car instead of Tammy and my mother, who was crouched over her.

  The rest of the vampires seemed more concerned with taking on Bones than dealing with Tammy or my mother. I rolled under a truck to get to Bones—and then screamed as my shirt went up in flames.

  Goddammit! There must have been oil drops pooled underneath the truck I’d rolled under, and the useless sparks from my hands ignited it.

  “Kitten, you all right?” Bones called out.

  “Fine!” I yelled back, afraid he’d get killed rushing to check on me.

  Stupid, stupid, stupid, I lashed myself. Oil plus sparks equals fire, dumbass!

  I’d just ripped my burning shirt off when a car slammed into me, pinning me to the vehicle behind me. I gasped at the unbelievable pain, paralyzing in its intensity. Tammy screamed. Over that, I heard Bones hoarsely call my name.

  Something thudded on the mangled car pinning me. The redheaded vampire. He smiled as he pulled out a silver blade, knowing as I did that I couldn’t shove the car off in time to save myself.

  But there was something I could do. Oil plus sparks equals fire, I thought savagely, and I rammed my fist through the car’s fuel tank.

  A terrific boom went off, combined with the agonizing sensation of being thrown backward, burning, across the parking lot. For a stunned second, I didn’t know if I was still alive. Then I realized I wouldn’t hurt this much if I were dead.

  Move, I told myself, fighting back the lethargy that made me want to curl up wherever I’d landed. Keep blinking, your vision will come back.

  After a few more blinks, the parking lot was in a double outline, but I could see. Check for incoming. Do you have any knives left? Two, right, make them count.

  “I’m okay,” I called out, my voice almost unrecognizable. I hated giving away my position, but I was more worried about Bones losing it if he was too distracted to feel our connection and thought I’d been blown to bits.

  “Christ almighty, Kitten,” I heard him mutter, and smiled even though it felt like it cracked my face. I was afraid to look at my skin. Burnt bacon could pass for my twin right now. You’ll heal, I reminded myself. Quit worrying about your looks and get back to worrying about your ass.

  I flexed my fingers, relieved that the horrible splitting sensation was gone. Now I could grasp my knives with purpose, and my vision was clearing by the moment. Through the dirty car window in front of me, I saw Bones fighting off four vampires. He whirled and struck in a dizzying display of violence, slicing and hacking whenever they came too close. Now, where were Tammy and my mother?

  I’d sneaked around a few dead vampires—one of them crispy, I noticed with satisfaction—and was tiptoeing around a Benz when X sprang out of nowhere. He shoved me, slamming me into yet another car—God, I was so sick of feeling my bones crunch against metal!—but instead of springing forward, I let myself slump as if dazed. X was on me in the next second, knees pinning my torso to the concrete, glowing green gaze victorious as he raised his knife.

  My hand shot out, the silver knife clenched in it going straight into his chest. I smiled as I gave it a hard twist. That’s it for you, X.

  But he didn’t slump forward like he should have. Instead, the knife he’d raised slammed into my chest without an instant’s hesitation.

  Pain erupted in me, so hot and fierce it rivaled what I’d felt when the car exploded on me. That pain grew until I wanted to scream, but I didn’t have the energy. Everything seemed to fade out of view except his bright emerald gaze.

  “How?” I managed, barely able to croak out the word.

  X leaned forward. “Situs inversus,” he whispered. His hand tightened on the blade, twisting—

  Blue filled my vision. I didn’t understand why, and for a second, I wondered if it was even real. Then the blue tilted to the side, X’s severe
d arm still holding the knife in my chest, but the rest of him elsewhere. Sheet metal, I thought dazedly. Bones must have ripped it off a car and wielded it like a huge saw.

  X was on his back, the stump from his right arm slowly extending out into a new limb as he fought Bones. I wanted to help, but I couldn’t get up. The pain had me pinned, gasping and twitching as I tried to escape from it.

  “Don’t move, Kitten!” Bones shouted. A brutal rip from his knife sliced open X’s chest, oddly to the right of X’s sternum. Bones twisted the blade so hard it broke off, and then he was next to me, his hand pinning my wrists above my head.

  “Kitten.”

  As soon as I saw his face, I knew how bad it was. That should’ve occurred to me before, considering I had a silver knife with shriveling hand still attached to it in my chest, but somehow, the pain had blinded me to reality. Now, however, I realized these were my last moments on earth.

  I tried to smile. “Love you,” I whispered.

  A single pink tear rolled down Bones’s cheek, but his voice was steady. “Don’t move,” he repeated, and slowly began to tug on the knife.

  My chest felt like it was on fire. I tried not to look at the knife. Tried to focus on Bones’s face, but my own gaze was blurred pink, too. I’ll miss you so much.

  The blade shivered a fraction, and a spasm of pain ripped through me. Bones compressed his lips, letting my wrists go to press on my chest with his free hand.

  “Don’t move . . .”

  I couldn’t stand it. That burning from my chest felt like it had spread all through me. A scream built in my throat, but I choked it back. Please, don’t let him see me die screaming . . .

  The agony stopped just as abruptly as it started. Bones let out a harsh sound that was followed by a clatter of metal on the ground. I looked down, seeing a slash in my chest that began to close, the skin seaming back together as it healed.

  And then Bones spun around. A vampire stood behind him, holding a big knife and wearing the weirdest expression on his face. He dropped to his knees and pitched forward, a silver handle sticking out of his back. My mother was behind the vampire. Her hands were bloody.