by Stacey Lewis
I read the instructions, and take the test, placing it on the counter. I wash my hands, and stare at the thing intently, as if it’s a spider that’s going to attack me at any given second. The seconds tick by eating away at my resolve. I just want to know. I need to know.
A pounding noise resonates through the apartment and I blink trying to figure out if I imagined the entire thing or if someone is actually beating down my door. When the knocking continues I leave the bathroom and rush to the front door, pulling it open. I don’t think about who it could be. I just open the door. I can’t stifle the gasp that escapes my lips when I realize just who it is standing on the other side.
Ryker Winston. His eyes are gleaming, and there’s something almost dangerous about the way he’s looking at me. It stirs my blood and makes the anxious anxiety I’m feeling worse. How did he find me? Or get my address? Confusion mares my features I’m sure. I take a step back, all but offering for him to come in. The movement is unintentional, but one he takes as an invite.
Fear rushes to the forefront of my mind. What if he sees the test? I force myself to calm down, because even if he saw it, he could think it’s someone else’s baby. He doesn’t remember we slept together.
“Jesus, I’m sorry for barging in like this but I had to see you. After the way you were acting at work today, the entire past week really, I had to make sure you were okay.” I blink, unsure if I should tell him just how not okay I am.
“I’m…” I start closing the door behind us and guide him over to the small kitchen table we have.
“Look you don’t have to lie to me. I know you aren’t okay. I saw you leaving the drug store down the street.” His confession causes my eyes to go wide, and he rushes to explain. I’m sure he thinks he knows what I’m thinking, but he doesn’t. I’m just surprised he saw me and I didn’t notice him.
“No I wasn’t stalking you. I was just in the area, and I saw you. I can’t really explain it…” He blows out a frustrated breath, and I can smell the mintiness of it. “I feel this deep, compelling need to protect you, to make sure you’re alright. I can’t explain it or put it into words because I don’t even understand it.” I can tell he’s working through something, and even though I want to be mad that he showed up here uninvited, I can’t be. Not when I know deep down his intentions are nothing but sincere.
“Hey.” I find myself reaching out to him, my hand resting against the back of his. His hands are huge compared to mine, and his touch send shivers down my spine when he flips his hand to grasp my fingers. It’s a simple gesture, but one that doesn’t go unnoticed.
We may have already had sex, but knowing that he can be so kind-hearted shows another dimension to him.
“I’ve just had the flu. It’s a tough bug to get rid of and it’s making me feel like shit every single second it gets.” I smile, lying straight through my teeth. I do so, not because I want to, but because I need all the facts first. I can’t tell Ryker who I am without knowing the results of the test.
Ryker nods, his eyes gazing into mine. I feel as if I’m in a trance every time those stormy blue orbs meet mine.
“It’s been going on for at least two weeks now. Are you sure you shouldn’t see a doctor? I hate seeing you running to the bathroom to vomit all the time. It makes me worry. I wonder if you’re eating and drinking enough…” He trails off, and I bite my lip to hide the smile that wants to reveal itself. Fuck this man is the sweetest ever, worrying over someone like me. Someone he doesn’t really know.
“I’ll be okay, and if it helps ease your mind I’ll go see a doctor if I’m not better in a few days.” He smiles, revealing his perfectly straight white teeth. Jesus, isn’t the man gorgeous enough without perfect teeth? Then, a thought occurs to me. “Why were you in this area? You don’t live around here, do you?
Ryker looks down, a red flush heating his cheeks, and I can only stare at him. Is he embarrassed? “Actually, I wasn’t in the neighborhood. I came here earlier, and you weren’t here, so I went down to the cemetery where my parents are buried.” His words make my heart beat faster.
“Is everything okay?” This time it’s me concerned for his well being.
He nods, his gaze piercing mine as he speaks, “Yeah, everything is fine. As fine as it’s going to get. You see, I lost my dad a short time ago and it’s really hit me hard. Harder than it should have. I was prepared, so were Reed and Remy, but I don’t think you can ever be fully prepared for someone you love to die.”
I can feel tears sting my eyes, and all the emotions I’ve buried seem to rise to the surface. This is Ryker baring his soul to me, giving me a little piece of himself to hold onto.
“You don’t have to explain. I understand.” And I do. I know heartache, pain, loss, disappointment in the one person you expected to be there for you.
Ryker shakes his head, shoving a handful of his dark disheveled hair away from his face, “But I want to explain, because the reason I was a dick, the reason I’m still a dick is because of that loss. That pain is so fresh, and I’ve never been good at showing my emotions or dealing with pain. I just bottle it up, then unleash it on anyone that’s close by.”
His honesty makes me weak in the knees, and I understand why he was such a jerk the first day I met him, and then when he cornered me in his office. While it isn’t an excuse, at least it’s a somewhat viable reason.
“Don’t discredit yourself. You’re a good person. We all go through loss, disappointment in pain in life. I know I have, and I know someday I’ll endure it again. It’s inevitable and something you can’t hide from.” I want to wrap the man in front of me in my arms and tell him all the secrets swirling around inside my head, but I can’t.
“I know. It’s just, I never meant to hurt you with my words, or make you afraid of me. I never wanted to be that man. I’m carefree, and happy. Hell, I’m outgoing and over-the-top most days, but losing my dad, it’s made me feel like part of me has died too.”
“I get it. Growing up wasn’t easy for me …” I start, surprised that the words start to flow. “My mom was a single parent, the other woman in the relationship, and she thought my father loved her. She was weak and it broke her. I was weak too, because even though I refused to admit it, I wanted my father to be there. I wanted us to have the happily ever after, for him to wipe my mom’s tears away and tell her everything was going to be okay.” The memories swirl inside me. All the nights she spent up crying, the pleading phone calls begging him to stay or come back.
I don’t want to be like that. I don’t want to suffer like my mother did.
Blinking away the memories, I relish in the warmth of Ryker’s hand in mine.
“I’m sorry Ava. So fucking sorry.” He’s so sincere, and it just makes me like him more. He doesn’t have to apologize for the shitty way my dad treated me and my mom.
I shake my head. “I don’t want you to be sorry, I just want you to know that I can relate to feeling pain and disappointment. It’s literally been the only true thing I’ve felt in my life.” I don’t mention the things he made me feel the night that I gave myself to him. The way he opened me up, and shattered that pain, exposing something deeper, so much deeper, an emotion I’ve never felt before.
“I don’t pity you Ava. I admire your courage, and the fact that you stand up to me, even if I’m an asshole. You’re special, and I really hope you see that.”
Air rushes into my lungs and my heart hammers against my rib cage. Can he sense the way he makes me feel? I open my mouth to respond but no words come out. Instead, a giant yawn escapes me and I cover it with my hand.
Ryker’s eyes twinkle with amusement as he laughs, “Someone’s tired, huh?”
“I guess. That came out of nowhere.” It’s the truth. Exhaustion has hit me hard the last couple of nights, all because of the anxiousness I’m feeling. I swear, anxiety sucks the life right out of you.
“Okay. I suppose I’ll get going then and see you in the office tomo
rrow?” he questions, getting up from the table. I guide him towards the door, fully aware that the answer to our future lies just down the hall on the bathroom counter.
“Yes sir. I’ll be there bright and early.” I laugh. He stares down at me for a long moment, the heat of his body beckoning to me.
“You get to feeling better, pretty girl, and I’ll try harder to not be a dick,” he whispers, leaning in and grazing my forehead with his lips. I shiver when he presses his lips to my skin, and swear I his body goes tense as he pulls away, but when I look up to say goodbye, he’s normal, and his eyes are back to being unreadable.
“Alright, Mr. Winston. I’ll see you in the morning.” I tease him, feeling more alive than I have since the night we shared together. He smiles, waving before he steps over the threshold. I move to close the door behind him and almost sigh, feeling those same rolling emotions he does, the ones he can’t seem to put into words.
Leaning my head back against the door, I realize the pregnancy test is still in the bathroom. Scurrying across the floor, I run down the hall, reaching the bathroom just in time to see Marie leaving.
What the hell? I thought no one else was home.
My body collides with hers, but not before I see she’s holding the test. The look in her eyes says it all.
Chapter Sixteen
Ryker
Once in my car, I break down. No wonder Ava reminds me of my mystery girl so much. She is my mystery girl. I wrack my brain trying to determine if maybe there’s a chance it could be one of her roommates. I haven’t slept with anyone else since, and when I think really hard, I remember the mystery girl had sunshine blonde hair just like Ava. And, now that I’m thinking about it, she had whiskey-colored eyes too.
Fuck! I slam my hand against the steering wheel in frustration. All the fucking signs were right there. I was just too fucking blind to see them. Pulling out my cell, I hit “call” on Reed’s contact info before I can stop myself.
The line rings and rings, and just when I think he’s going to leave me hanging, he finally answers the phone.
“This better be good.” He growls into the line, and I almost laugh at the anger in his voice.
“Meet me down at Max’s bar in ten minutes. Oh, and bring Remy with you.” I don’t leave any room for negotiation, hanging up, then starting my car so I can head that direction. I know Reed has shit going on, a wife who could give birth within a few weeks and planning that needs to be done, but I need him too.
Traffic is light, so I get to the bar with a few minutes to spare. I can’t stop thinking about the fact that Ava is the mystery girl, and what that means.
Was it fate that brought us together? She opened me up that night, leaving an impression on my soul. The taste of her lips haunts me every night when I close my eyes.
I can’t let her go, not now, not ever. I have to make her mine. I have to show her that I can be the man she needs me to be, that I won’t be like her father. Thinking back on that night, I remember there being a smattering of blood against the sheets. I thought maybe I hurt her.
But what if … what if she gave me her virginity? The thought slams into me hard, wrapping around my heart. I’ve been with a lot of women in my short life, and none of them ever gave me something so important. All this time, I thought it was her leaving an impression on me, but maybe there’s a piece of her living inside me.
A piece she gave to me.
I squeeze my eyes shut, hating myself for being unable to remember the entire night. I want to relive every detail, every sigh that fell from her lips, every moan and whimper. I want to fucking remember it all, and I can’t.
When I see Reed’s BMW pull into the parking lot, I get out and start towards the door. Reed and Remy follow.
“You know, I could be at home with my wife cuddling on the couch watching TV, right now?” The disdain in Reed’s voice is adorable when he pouts.
“Shut up. You’re helping your brother out. You have the rest of your life to cuddle with Fallon. Giving me five damn minutes of your time outside of work isn’t going to put you in withdrawal.” I grumble.
Remy covers his laugh with a cough, and I glare at him as we take a seat in one of the back booths. Max’s is more of a high end bar that serves food, with a number of high end whiskeys and liquors. Before Reed decided to settle down, this was where we’d go to pick up women. Reed and Remy shove into the other side of the booth and stare at me, obviously waiting for me to speak.
“Well, are you going to tell what the hell made you drag us out to drink?” Remy asks as the waitress brings over a drink menu. I hand it back to her, because we’ve been here so many times we know exactly what we’re going to be drinking. I order three of their best whiskeys, and wave the waitress away so I can answer on Remy’s question.
“I never told you guys what I did the day of Dad’s funeral.” Guilt hits me again, but I push it down. “I went out and drank my emotions. Dad left me feeling like there was a piece of me missing, and I had to find that piece in the bottom of a bottle or deep inside a woman. And, I found it.” The waitress brings the three glasses of whiskey to the table and I take a long swig from my glass right away, needing the liquid courage.
“Okay, so you skipped out on dinner to get blackout drunk and fuck some chick.” Reed doesn’t sound happy about it, but I can tell he understands, just from the look in his eyes.
I nod. “Correct. Except, the woman I met I didn’t fuck. I made love to her, but didn’t get her name or number. I don’t even remember the entire night so I don’t know what I fucking did, but when I woke up and she was gone it was like I lost another piece of my soul.” Reed smiles around the rim of his glass, but doesn’t say anything right away.
“Wait, so you don’t even remember the night?” Remy looks shocked.
“No. I remember parts of it, but not all. That’s not the issue right now. The issue is that I think I’ve found her.”
“You found her?” The excitement in Reed’s voice makes me smile. At least he’s happy for me.
“I did ... and I’m almost certain it’s Ava.” Both of their jaws drop open at my accusation.
“Ava? As in your new assistant, Ava?” Remy chimes in yet again.
“Yeah.” I nod again, wanting more whiskey if he’s going to keep asking stupid questions.
“Wow. It’s incredible to think that she’s been right under your nose this entire time. The question I have though, is how do you know it’s really her if you don’t remember everything from that night?”
Reed has every right to question me. We’ve had lots of women fake pregnancies or relationships with us, just so they could get money from the company. I understand his apprehension, but I know without a doubt that Ava is my mystery woman.
“Her purse. I just came from her house, and the clutch sitting on her counter is the same one the woman had that night at the bar. It was sitting right next to her phone on the counter. I saw it with my own two eyes. It has to be her.”
Reed stretches before giving a look that says he’s not sure he believes my drunken memory. “What if it was one of her roommates? Or a friend? Did she come with anyone else that night?” I shake my head in answer to each of his questions, knowing deep down in the pit of my stomach the woman I made love to that night was Ava. It wasn’t one of her friends, it was her.
“No. There isn’t any way around it. It was her. I can feel it.” Reed takes another sip from his glass, before looking back up at me.
“Well what you going to do about it? If she’s the one, the one you feel this unexplainable attachment too, maybe you should tell her.” I roll my eyes. His approach is so Reed, and yet, not him at all considering the circumstances around how he and Fallon came about.
“This coming from the guy who couldn’t even tell Fallon he loved her?” Remy questions, raising an eyebrow, earning a muffled laugh from me and a dirty look from Reed. He says exactly what I’m thinking.
“Okay, s
o maybe I’m not the best person to get advice from, but if you want her to be yours, you have to figure out how you’re going to approach the situation. Have you considered the possibility that she already knows it was you? It’s not a stretch to believe she wasn’t as drunk as you were if she willingly left the bar with you. Plus, if she was gone when you woke up, she was probably sober when she left. Maybe she’s just afraid to make it known?” I chew on the inside of my cheek, contemplating what he’s saying.
She could be afraid to tell me. She could also be embarrassed.
“What do you want to do?” Remy asks. It’s times like these I wish Dad was here to offer up a bit of good advice. He might have been a shitty father after mom died, but when it came to her, he was so loving, always knowing the right thing to do or say.
I sigh, leaning back against the booth. “I don’t know, but I can tell you I’m not letting her go. I can’t, not now that I know who she is. She might not realize what she means to me, but maybe, maybe if I make it known she’ll open up to me and tell me the truth?”
Reed and Remy look at each other, a silent conversation passing between them that pisses me off. I’m the middle brother, so shouldn’t I be the one who has the ability to have secret conversations?
Finally, Reed nods. “You should definitely tell her. Don’t just blurt it out though. Maybe you can get her to go out to dinner with you? You could tell her then. Make it romantic or something. Fallon’s the one you should be talking to about this. She’s the one with ideas on how to confess your feelings to someone. We all know I suck at that.”
Remy and I both laugh at the sulky way he says it, but it’s so true.
After thinking for a minute, Remy agrees with him. “That is a good idea, at least, providing you can get her to agree to dinner after work.” His eyes meet mine, and even though the mirth in them is obvious, there’s something in them I can’t decipher. It almost looks sad, but I don’t know why he would be. “You’ve been kind of a dick to her, Ryker. It might work out better if you ambush her at work instead.”
