The Burglar Who Traded Ted Williams
Page 26
“I had already figured it all out,” I said. “I just didn’t want to do anything about it, because I couldn’t see the point. Then we got into that nutty conversation about the cat, and he picked up his cue and acted as if he was on a hot tin roof, and I just couldn’t help myself. What’s the matter?”
“Nothing, Bern. I knew I’d feel stupid for asking, and I was right.”
“Well, cheer up. This is a special day. I get to keep the store, Carolyn. And we get to go on—”
“Having lunch together,” she chimed in, “and having drinks after work, and having doomed relationships with inappropriate people. I was gonna see Lolly tonight, but she had to cancel. She’s doing something with Borden.”
“He probably wants to show her his new cards. So let me take you out to dinner instead. We’ll celebrate.”
“I thought I’d go home and reread Sue Grafton. It’s been a while since I last read the one about the topless dancer who gets poison injected into one of her implants.”
“ ‘D’ Is for Cup.”
“Right. Bern, you know what I wish? I wish she didn’t have to stop at twenty-six. When the alphabet’s used up, what happens to Kinsey?”
“Are you kidding? She goes straight into double letters. ‘AA’ Is for Drunks, ‘BB’ Is for Gun, ‘CC’ Is for Rider. There was a whole list in Publishers Weekly a few months back. ‘PP’ Is for Golden Showers, ‘ZZ’ Is for Topp—I can’t remember them all, but it looks as though she can go on forever.”
“Bern, that’s wonderful news.”
“You’ll be reading about Kinsey fifty years from now,” I told her. “ ‘AAA’ Is for Motorists, ‘MMM’ Is for Scotch Tape. You’ll never have to stop. You’ll keep on washing dogs and Raffles will keep on playing shortstop. And I’ll keep on doing what I was born to do, selling books and breaking into people’s houses.”
“And we’ll live happily ever after, huh, Bern?”
“Happily ever now,” I said, and reached to pet my cat.
The author is pleased to acknowledge the contributions of The Writers Room, in Greenwich Village, where much of the preliminary work on this book was undertaken, and of the Hotel Gaylord, in San Francisco, where it was written.
About the Author
A Mystery Writers of America Grand Master, LAWRENCE BLOCK is a four-time winner of the Edgar® and Shamus awards, as well as a recipient of prizes in France, Germany, and Japan. He also received the British Crime Writers’ Association’s prestigious Cartier Diamond Dagger for lifetime achievement in crime writing. The author of more than fifty books and numerous short stories, he is a devout New Yorker and enthusiastic world traveler. You can visit his website at www.lawrenceblock.com.
Visit www.AuthorTracker.com for exclusive information on your favorite HarperCollins author.
Praise for everyone’s favorite felon
BERNIE RHODENBARR and
New York Times bestselling Grand Master
LAWRENCE BLOCK’s
THE BURGLAR WHO
TRADED TED WILLIAMS
“Gentleman burglar, wit, and reluctant sleuth, Bernie Rhodenbarr, has returned to astound and beguile us with another tale of his criminal and ratiocinative skills…The plot has everything: romance, greed, sibling rivalry, betrayal, illicit relations, and enough coincidence and literary spoofing to keep the story safely in the realm of Never-Never Land. For those who like whodunits, the plot remains a genuine puzzle and AN EXERCISE FOR THE WITS…A sparkling treat.”
Pittsburgh Post-Gazette
“I can’t remember the last book of any kind that made me laugh out loud as often…Bernie’s takeoffs on the titles of Sue Grafton mysteries…are WORTH THE PRICE OF ADMISSION ALONE, and the plot…is loopy enough to keep you reading.”
Chicago Tribune
“A SCREAM… Bernie Rhodenbarr is one of the most charming and wittiest characters in the burglar business.”
Denver Rocky Mountain News
“A romp…The bookseller-burglar is back…HE’S AS FUNNY AND FEISTY AS EVER.”
San Francisco Chronicle
“SIDE-SPLITTING… a wild and bumpy ride…His canny survival instincts, combined with his irrepressible sense of humor, make Bernie Rhodenbarr one of detective fiction’s most engaging heroes.”
Minneapolis Star Tribune
“A witty series…[A] disarmingly antic crime caper…Bernie is incorrigibly adorable…Between his inquiring mind and his sticky fingers, BERNIE IS THE IDEAL SLEUTH.”
New York Times Book Review
“WHAT A PLEASURE!… Bernie Rhodenbarr is back and plying his illegal trade…This is crime comedy at its best. Reading Rhodenbarr is about as light and easy as drinking lemonade on a hot day, and it’s a whole lot more fun.”
Syracuse Post-Standard
“IT’S THE MARK OF AN INNOVATIVE STORYTELLER to turn a normally reprehensible character into a hero—of sorts. Author Lawrence Block’s Bernie the burglar series aren’t just good mysteries, they are supreme escapism.”
Ft. Lauderdale Sun-Sentinel
“Wildly different…In his Matthew Scudder books, Block is one of the most serious of crime novelists. When he chronicles Bernie…Block is one of the funniest…A PLOT OF A SWISS WATCH COMPLEXITY…[Bernie] is enough to give burglary a good name.”
Los Angeles Times
“[If] you hear people around you laughing, check to see if they’re reading this book…[The Burglar Who Traded Ted Williams] is sure to be greeted by old fans with whoops of joy…This is very funny, with a wonderful, complicated, highly improbable plot, HILARIOUS DIALOGUE, AND CHARACTERS you wish you could invite over for supper.”
USA Today
“The bookselling burglar Bernie Rhodenbarr is back…and fans like me are glad to see him…THIS BOOK IS READ-ALOUD FUNNY—warn whoever’s in the room with you that gales of laughter and an occasional ‘you’ve gotta hear this’ will ensue whenever you pick it up.”
New Orleans Times-Picayune
“There’s only one word to describe Lawrence Block’s new Rhodenbarr novel: LOVELY! CHARMING! FAST!
FUNNY! TERRIFIC! OH!”
Ed McBain
“LIKABLE, CLEVER, FAST-MOVING ENTERTAIN MENT…[with] quirky characters, inventive plotting, and lively dialogue.”
Cleveland Plain Dealer
“[Block is] a master of ingratiating, literate entertainment…Plot turns aside, IT’S SIMPLY FUN TO LISTEN TO BERNIE RHODENBARR TALK…Anyone requiring escapist reading will find [The Burglar Who Traded Ted Williams] a real steal.”
Washington Post Book World
“A CRACKERJACK TREAT. Wonderfully wicked…a breezy read.”
New York Daily News
“The comic caper has few practitioners today, but…Lawrence Block is back amongst the thieving…He is as good as they come…Block’s narrative pacing and storytelling…keep the reader smiling throughout…Whether you’re an old fan or a newcomer, The Burglar Who Traded Ted Williams is cause to lock your door and bar your windows to stave off late-night intrusions as you tag along with Bernie…MASTERFUL.”
South Bend Tribune
“Welcome back Bernie Rhodenbarr…WILDLY FUNNY… It was worth the wait…Crackles with fun…Block regales the reader with various entertaining side plots that take in everything from the value of rare baseball cards to the care and feeding of cats.”
Associated Press
“THE MOST TALKED-ABOUT MYSTERY OF THE SEASON… Fun…Here is a locked-room mystery, a crime nobody could have committed, in a school of red herrings that implicates absolutely everybody, including the narrator.”
Toronto Sun
“FANS WILL BE GLAD TO KNOW THAT BERNIE IS AS LIGHTHEARTED AND LIGHT-FINGERED AS EVER.”
Virginian-Pilot
“[A] VERY FUNNY STORY ABOUT THE LIGHTER SIDE OF CRIME.”
St. Louis Post-Dispatch
“Welcome, Bernie the burglar. Delighted to see you back…[Rhodenbarr’s] as insouciantly entertaining, as supercharged with New York attitude as ever…Relen
tless madcap action…This book goes a long way toward confirming Block’s place at the mystery-writing pinnacle…The Burglar Who Traded Ted Williams is a GRAND-SLAM FUN-FEST THAT’LL LOCK A SMILE ON YOUR FACE FROM BEGINNING TO END.”
Orange County Register
“HYSTERICAL…[It] made me laugh out loud on the bus.”
Milwaukee Journal Sentinel
“AN ABSOLUTE TREAT—the funniest, cleverest, in-jokiest lark of a mystery since, well…the amiably larcenous Bernie.”
Booklist
“RHODENBARR IS A WITTY, QUIRKY CHARACTER…
If we all spoke like they do in Block’s novels, there’d be smiles on all our faces and quips on our lips.”
Ottawa Citizen
“MY, IT’S NICE TO SEE BERNIE AGAIN.”
Washington Times
Praise for everyone’s favorite felon
BERNIE RHODENBARR and
New York Times bestselling Grand Master
LAWRENCE BLOCK’s
THE BURGLAR WHO
TRADED TED WILLIAMS
“Gentleman burglar, wit, and reluctant sleuth, Bernie Rhodenbarr, has returned to astound and beguile us with another tale of his criminal and ratiocinative skills…The plot has everything: romance, greed, sibling rivalry, betrayal, illicit relations, and enough coincidence and literary spoofing to keep the story safely in the realm of Never-Never Land. For those who like whodunits, the plot remains a genuine puzzle and AN EXERCISE FOR THE WITS…A sparkling treat.”
Pittsburgh Post-Gazette
“I can’t remember the last book of any kind that made me laugh out loud as often…Bernie’s takeoffs on the titles of Sue Grafton mysteries…are WORTH THE PRICE OF ADMISSION ALONE, and the plot…is loopy enough to keep you reading.”
Chicago Tribune
“A SCREAM… Bernie Rhodenbarr is one of the most charming and wittiest characters in the burglar business.”
Denver Rocky Mountain News
“A romp…The bookseller-burglar is back…HE’S AS FUNNY AND FEISTY AS EVER.”
San Francisco Chronicle
“SIDE-SPLITTING… a wild and bumpy ride…His canny survival instincts, combined with his irrepressible sense of humor, make Bernie Rhodenbarr one of detective fiction’s most engaging heroes.”
Minneapolis Star Tribune
“A witty series…[A] disarmingly antic crime caper…Bernie is incorrigibly adorable…Between his inquiring mind and his sticky fingers, BERNIE IS THE IDEAL SLEUTH.”
New York Times Book Review
“WHAT A PLEASURE!… Bernie Rhodenbarr is back and plying his illegal trade…This is crime comedy at its best. Reading Rhodenbarr is about as light and easy as drinking lemonade on a hot day, and it’s a whole lot more fun.”
Syracuse Post-Standard
“IT’S THE MARK OF AN INNOVATIVE STORYTELLER to turn a normally reprehensible character into a hero—of sorts. Author Lawrence Block’s Bernie the burglar series aren’t just good mysteries, they are supreme escapism.”
Ft. Lauderdale Sun-Sentinel
“Wildly different…In his Matthew Scudder books, Block is one of the most serious of crime novelists. When he chronicles Bernie…Block is one of the funniest…A PLOT OF A SWISS WATCH COMPLEXITY…[Bernie] is enough to give burglary a good name.”
Los Angeles Times
“[If] you hear people around you laughing, check to see if they’re reading this book…[The Burglar Who Traded Ted Williams] is sure to be greeted by old fans with whoops of joy…This is very funny, with a wonderful, complicated, highly improbable plot, HILARIOUS DIALOGUE, AND CHARACTERS you wish you could invite over for supper.”
USA Today
“The bookselling burglar Bernie Rhodenbarr is back…and fans like me are glad to see him…THIS BOOK IS READ-ALOUD FUNNY—warn whoever’s in the room with you that gales of laughter and an occasional ‘you’ve gotta hear this’ will ensue whenever you pick it up.”
New Orleans Times-Picayune
“There’s only one word to describe Lawrence Block’s new Rhodenbarr novel: LOVELY! CHARMING! FAST!
FUNNY! TERRIFIC! OH!”
Ed McBain
“LIKABLE, CLEVER, FAST-MOVING ENTERTAIN MENT…[with] quirky characters, inventive plotting, and lively dialogue.”
Cleveland Plain Dealer
“[Block is] a master of ingratiating, literate entertainment…Plot turns aside, IT’S SIMPLY FUN TO LISTEN TO BERNIE RHODENBARR TALK…Anyone requiring escapist reading will find [The Burglar Who Traded Ted Williams] a real steal.”
Washington Post Book World
“A CRACKERJACK TREAT. Wonderfully wicked…a breezy read.”
New York Daily News
“The comic caper has few practitioners today, but…Lawrence Block is back amongst the thieving…He is as good as they come…Block’s narrative pacing and storytelling…keep the reader smiling throughout…Whether you’re an old fan or a newcomer, The Burglar Who Traded Ted Williams is cause to lock your door and bar your windows to stave off late-night intrusions as you tag along with Bernie…MASTERFUL.”
South Bend Tribune
“Welcome back Bernie Rhodenbarr…WILDLY FUNNY… It was worth the wait…Crackles with fun…Block regales the reader with various entertaining side plots that take in everything from the value of rare baseball cards to the care and feeding of cats.”
Associated Press
“THE MOST TALKED-ABOUT MYSTERY OF THE SEASON… Fun…Here is a locked-room mystery, a crime nobody could have committed, in a school of red herrings that implicates absolutely everybody, including the narrator.”
Toronto Sun
“FANS WILL BE GLAD TO KNOW THAT BERNIE IS AS LIGHTHEARTED AND LIGHT-FINGERED AS EVER.”
Virginian-Pilot
“[A] VERY FUNNY STORY ABOUT THE LIGHTER SIDE OF CRIME.”
St. Louis Post-Dispatch
“Welcome, Bernie the burglar. Delighted to see you back…[Rhodenbarr’s] as insouciantly entertaining, as supercharged with New York attitude as ever…Relentless madcap action…This book goes a long way toward confirming Block’s place at the mystery-writing pinnacle…The Burglar Who Traded Ted Williams is a GRAND-SLAM FUN-FEST THAT’LL LOCK A SMILE ON YOUR FACE FROM BEGINNING TO END.”
Orange County Register
“HYSTERICAL…[It] made me laugh out loud on the bus.”
Milwaukee Journal Sentinel
“AN ABSOLUTE TREAT—the funniest, cleverest, in-jokiest lark of a mystery since, well…the amiably larcenous Bernie.”
Booklist
“RHODENBARR IS A WITTY, QUIRKY CHARACTER…
If we all spoke like they do in Block’s novels, there’d be smiles on all our faces and quips on our lips.”
Ottawa Citizen
“MY, IT’S NICE TO SEE BERNIE AGAIN.”
Washington Times
Books by Lawrence Block
The Bernie Rhodenbarr Mysteries
BURGLARS CAN’T BE CHOOSERS • THE BURGLAR IN THE CLOSET • THE BURGLAR WHO LIKED TO QUOTE KIPLING • THE BURGLAR WHO STUDIED SPINOZA • THE BURGLAR WHO PAINTED LIKE MONDRIAN • THE BURGLAR WHO TRADED TED WILLIAMS • THE BURGLAR WHO THOUGHT HE WAS BOGART • THE BURGLAR IN THE LIBRARY • THE BURGLAR IN THE RYE • THE BURGLAR ON THE PROWL
The Matthew Scudder Novels
THE SINS OF THE FATHERS • TIME TO MURDER AND CREATE • IN THE MIDST OF DEATH • A STAB IN THE DARK • EIGHT MILLION WAYS TO DIE • WHEN THE SACRED GINMILL CLOSES • OUT ON THE CUTTING EDGE • A TICKET TO THE BONEYARD • A DANCE AT THE SLAUGHTERHOUSE • A WALK AMONG THE TOMBSTONES • THE DEVIL KNOWS YOU’RE DEAD • A LONG LINE OF DEAD MEN • EVEN THE WICKED • EVERYBODY DIES • HOPE TO DIE ALL THE FLOWERS ARE DYING
Keller’s Greatest Hits
HIT MAN • HIT LIST
SMALL TOWN
Collected Short Stories
ENOUGH ROPE
Copyright
This book is a work of fiction. The characters, incidents, and dialogue are drawn from the author’s imagination and are not to be construed
as real. Any resemblance to actual events or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.
THE BURGLAR WHO TRADED TED WILLIAMS. copyright © 1994 by LAWRENCE BLOCK. All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the non-exclusive, non-transferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on-screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, down-loaded, decompiled, reverse engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins e-books.
EPub Edition © OCTOBER 2005 ISBN: 9780061840968
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Table of Contents
Cover
Title Page
Dedication
Contents
Chapter One
Chapter Two
Chapter Three
Chapter Four
Chapter Five
Chapter Six