Could she ever tell him without needing the shield of darkness? She was not tortured about her feelings. Not yet. But they had put in their prenuptial agreement that if the verdict on her case was favorable to her, they would file for divorce. It had been two months. Eric never mentioned it again after the night he proposed to her. She didn’t dare ask.
And they were behaving like a normal, married couple. A normal, married couple in love.
Maybe she should not have told him. If she hadn’t, she wouldn’t have to acknowledge her feelings. If she were brave, she would ask him about the prenup, what he wanted from her. She was scared of his answers. Eric was clearly devoted to her, and he liked having her around - why else would he have her move in with him - but until when was this idyll going to last? And if she told him she loved him . . . .
Who knows what he might think? But she couldn’t face the possibility that he didn’t feel the same. Not yet.
She was never going to forget that day during the trial when Eric attacked Carl in the courtroom. It was the longest, most excruciating day of her life - at that point, she thought it was the hours-long rape kit procedure. The days of the trial had been difficult, with her being cross-examined repeatedly about the night of the assault. No matter how much Barry Horton prepared her, she could never anticipate the flaying she got when she was at the witness stand. Many times, she wondered when she would splinter and just give up. The only reason she willed herself not to was because of Eric. He had done so much that if she dropped the charges, it would be for nothing.
She kept all her fear and anger inside, clinging to control and what little strength remained. Carl calling her a whore on the stand was a blow that sent her reeling. Eric had responded the way every cell in her body screamed at her. That was the first time she realized the trial was hitting him hard too - maybe even harder. Her first instinct was to run and protect Eric, and she hadn’t been able to relax until he was released.
She wondered if she had begun to fall for her husband during that time. Or maybe it was far earlier than that. She would never know.
When he trusted her enough to tell her about his best friend, his pain, she knew she wasn’t going to leave his side. Not out of obligation or duty or fear of betraying Eric. She didn’t want to. Her heart wouldn’t let her.
Sasha let out a breath to relieve the sudden constriction in her chest. When she did, the voice of the broadcaster reached her. She frowned, looking at the radio and turning up the volume.
“ - following the conviction of multi-millionaire Carl Kane on charges of sexual assault against Sasha Cohen, the court has decided that his ten-year-old son Rocky Kane will be under the guardianship of his lawyer Vince Callister. Further details of the decision include a monthly visit by the child to his father, under the supervision of a court-appointed representative of Child Services. Vince Callister, speaking on behalf of his client, has called the decision ‘a travesty and cruel disregard of a father’s importance to a child’s growth.’ And on other news - ”
“I don’t believe this,” Sasha murmured, staring at the radio.
Eric said nothing.
“That lawyer,” she shuddered, remembering his cold eyes gleeful as he sought to annihilate her on the stand.
Rocky having Carl as father and now Callister as his guardian was making Sasha sick. She was horrified upon finding out that Rocky had assaulted his nanny. But hearing him describe it matter-of-factly in court - “Daddy hit Sasha, that’s why she cried when he started biting her. I thought to try it without hitting my nanny,” - had given her sleepless nights. He was a difficult boy. She never once thought he could be a potential sadist.
“There’s nothing we can do, Sasha.” Eric lowered the volume of the radio.
She shook her head. “You saw how he was. You saw how Vince Callister was.”
“What do you expect me to do?” Eric pointed out. Seeing her flinch, he softened his voice. “Sasha . . . this is out of our hands. All I care about is you. Rocky Kane is too broken now. He’s never going to have a chance.”
“I was,” Sasha whispered. “Remember?”
Eric looked at her, then the road.
“You gave me a chance.”
“You were never broken,” he said quietly. “And if you were, I’d do everything within my power to put you back together again.”
“It’s not your responsibility to save me, Eric.”
“Probably not, pretty. But you said it yourself. You’ll never be able to stop me from fighting for you.”
Eric was still asleep when Sasha woke up the next day. It was the weekend, which meant staying in bed longer. She would like to remain here, feeling his warmth against hers, watching him until he woke up. But she had been restless since finding out about Rocky. Eric must have sensed this too because after joining her in bed, he just put his arm around her waist. She kissed him then went to sleep, now thinking of his words. I’d do everything within my power to put you back together again.
She didn’t know why it saddened her.
In the afternoon was Gladys’ baby shower. Sasha hoped to get some practicing done before getting ready for that. They will have to leave a little early to swing by the store and pick up the professionally-wrapped bouncy cradle.
She washed her face, soaping quite roughly on her skin, so the water stung when she rinsed it. She stared at her pale face and sleepy eyes in the mirror, glowering at the dark circles under her eyes. She splashed more cold water on her face before patting it dry.
The toothpaste tube had been squeezed dry.
Toothbrush in her mouth, she looked in the cabinet for a spare, quickly finding the box. As she reached for it, her eyes skidded to the items on the shelf below it. Strange. Those packages were still unopened. She bought them precisely because she was going to use them soon after. How long had it been?
Her eyes got huge upon realizing what this meant.
She was fucked. They both were.
Except for Gladys, Zachary, and Eric, Sasha didn’t know the other guests at the shower. Gladys and Zachary wanted it to be an inclusive event. Thus they invited friends who were married, dating, or single. The menu was a mix of delicate sandwiches and cupcakes, dainty pink lemonade and iced tea, as well as grilled vegetable and beef kebabs and artisanal beer.
Eric hardly strayed from Sasha’s side, which got Zachary raising his eyebrow knowingly. He shot his best friend an exasperated look before turning to Sasha and excusing himself. She kissed him on the cheek, which had Eric looking smugly over at Zachary.
Sasha watched Eric leave to join the other men before turning her attention back to the circle of females Gladys had introduced her to. She couldn’t remember all their names, but she was going to make it a point to remember who had looked at Eric wistfully when he left. Unbelievable, these women, she thought.
So, her husband was handsome and maybe every woman’s dream, but he was hers, and it was just fucking rude when they looked at him like a piece of meat when she was right there.
She kept her expression placid as the three women slid away from the group and actually followed Eric.
“I’m sorry, but is this a baby shower or a middle-school party?” A woman remarked, noting the same three women. She was tall, but not as tall as Sasha, and slim. Her dark hair grazed her shoulders. She was not particularly beautiful, and her features could be stern. But Sasha was quick to like her. She was Nadia Abbott, a sound engineer that Gladys met through one of the many stage productions she was part of.
“Sorry,” she said when Sasha glanced at her. “No offense, Sasha. Eric is a sexy guy, but it’s just silly for grown women my age to pine after someone happily married.”
“Thanks,” Sasha told her, hiding her blush in her iced tea. She forgot that she was probably the youngest in the room. Everyone here was in their mid-thirties and older.
“One of those has three children.”
“That makes them even sadder,” Sasha answered, laughing.
Des
pite her misgivings about attending the party, she went ahead. Gladys and Zachary were good friends of Eric, and they have been incredibly supportive during the trial. She also liked them both, enjoying Gladys’ constant admonitions of her husband’s dirty mouth.
But having to meet a bunch of strangers was not one of her favorite things to do, so she was grateful that there was someone like Nadia Abbott in the mix.
Being in the party, Sasha could forget the latest curveball in the way. She was late by four days, according to the calendar. Her periods were always on time, and no matter what had happened to her, she never missed one. Though she never expected her marriage to Eric to become sexual, she was taking pills just in case. Now it seemed they didn’t work.
She wondered how in the world she would tell this to Eric. Children were never going to be a part of their marriage. Never. They weren’t even supposed to remain together, but here they were in a baby shower and acting like any other married couple.
Last night, Eric had more or less stated that he was with her to protect her. That had always been his goal, and he made sure she knew from the beginning. I’d do everything within my power to put you back together again. How was he going to do that now? And god, what would he think? He was going to think she had conveniently forgotten her pills. He would think she was forcing him to remain married to her. Worse, he would think she did this to get money out of him.
It was an effort putting her mind back to the rest of the party and concentrating on having fun.
Sasha helped herself to one of the fruit-and-meat skewers. As she ladled sauce on it, strong arms wrapped around her waist. The possibility of a pregnancy was giving her hell, but she felt herself ready to dissolve into a puddle when Eric kissed her on the neck and nuzzled his nose against her hair.
“Having fun, pretty?” He asked, turning her around to face him. He grinned at the blush spreading from her face down to her neck. She held out the kebab for him to take a bite from.
“I am,” she assured him as he took a bite. “The people are nice.”
“Glad to hear that. Say, you want to, you know, get some air or something?”
“Sure.” She finished her share of the food then handed the rest to Eric. He took her hand and led her away from the party.
Her blush deepened when he pulled her inside Zachary and Gladys’ bedroom. Eric’s eyes twinkled with mischief and desire as he sat on the foot of the bed, clearing away the coats piled on it. He pulled her down beside him, and she looked at her lap. Her stomach was warm and fluttery at knowing what was going to happen. But she was nervous too. She was almost relieved when he just kissed her on the cheek and laced his fingers through hers. Almost because a huge part of her was disappointed.
“You know,” she said, clearing her throat and forcing her voice to sound light. “I’ve never made out with a boy in his best friend’s bedroom before.”
“Really?” Eric continued rubbing his lips against her skin. “Neither have I.”
She laughed and looked at him. He was smiling at her. He rested his forehead on her cheek.
“You’re not bored, are you?” He asked.
“Bored?”
“A bunch of strangers and they’re not really your crowd,” he elaborated. He put an arm around her stomach, and she held her breath. “Neither are they mine, really. It’s only Zachary and Gladys I’m friends with here.”
“Well . . . I think there are three ladies here who would jump in your pants the second you give them a chance,” she thought to tease him. Eric rolled his eyes, making her laugh again.
“You should give me a big wet one when you see them, pretty. Make it clear I’m yours.” Eric caught her lower lip between his teeth gently. “As you are mine.” The last word was a growl.
She couldn’t help the shiver that seized her suddenly. It was their wedding vows. I am yours, and you are mine. Those were complicated days. Nothing compared to where they were now.
“Some women might like a challenge,” she told him instead.
“They should prepare for disappointment.” Eric declared. Suddenly, he stood up and offered his hand.
“Much as I would rather we lock ourselves in this room and forget about the rest of the world, there’s a party outside, and it might just get better. Zachary’s going to unveil the crib.”
“’Gladys might like it,” She pointed out as he led them out of the room.
“Sweetheart, I’ve been around pregnant women enough to know that when they put it in a list, you’re expected to get only items in the list.”
“Are we talking about Aida?”
Eric pretended to shudder. “God, she was a fucking animal when she was pregnant. I dread the day my brother knocks her up again.”
Sasha managed a small smile when they returned to the party. Nadia saw them and waved, gesturing they join her spot by the wall. She introduced her husband, a big bear of a man who was heavily muscled. His name was Harold Horn. He owned a small animation studio.
“I have your painting,” Harold told Eric as they shook hands. “It hangs over the fireplace.”
“That’s wonderful, thanks,” Eric said. “What is it?”
“Icy sea No.4. I’d buy the entire series, but I’m not that rich yet,” Harold said, grinning.
“Shush, you two,” Nadia told them. She gestured toward the sofa, where Gladys was sitting with Zachary. They were surrounded by gifts and people, mostly women. The men had hung back like they were doing. “Oh! It’s our gift next, babe.”
Gladys tore at the paper, her face pink with delight. Sasha leaned against Eric as she watched as she grinned upon seeing what the box contained. “Oh, they’re so cute!” She exclaimed, showing off a set of beddings and blankets in pink and blue with whimsical prints. “They will go so well with the crib I want!”
“Oh, they will,” Zachary told her. Sasha blushed as Eric smothered a laugh in her shoulder.
“Thank you, Nadia and Harold!” Gladys called out to them.
More gifts were opened, and Gladys’ squeals got louder and louder. At one point, Zachary rubbed the inside of his ear but quickly stopped. Sasha hid a smile behind her hand.
Gladys was like a little girl on Christmas morning, clapping her hands and rocking in her seat so that Zachary had to restrain her and remind her about the baby. She just laughed over his concerns and went on to attack the next present. She called out her thanks to the gift-givers. But with Eric and Sasha, she got up to hug them.
“I love the bouncy cradle! It’s one of my favorites!” She said, kissing them both on the cheek. Then she waddled back to her seat.
“Is the crib really a big deal?” Sasha asked Eric.
“You have no idea, pretty.”
“As long as the baby is comfortable, I don’t know why it should be.”
“Well.” Eric shrugged. “You know how mothers can be.”
Sasha looked at him, but he was now watching Zachary announce the last gift for Gladys, one he had made himself. As everyone oohed in anticipation, Zachary called out to Eric, “Hey, you, help me haul it in.”
“You know, you can always ask nicely,” Eric complained as laughter filled the house. Sasha kissed him, and he smiled at her before leaving to join Zachary.
They returned ten minutes later. Sasha saw that they were pulling and pushing a classic baby crib with a soft, chocolate brown finish. It was already outfitted with a mattress, pillows, beddings, and a blanket. Gladys stood up, looking at it curiously. Eric presented it with flourish while Zachary, probably realizing too late he should have stuck to the list, shifted his weight nervously from one foot to the other.
Eric returned to Sasha’s side. She took his hand, and he whispered, “Prepare for gunfire, pretty.”
“Hush. She’ll like it.”
“This is not on your list,” Zachary told Gladys as she approached him and the crib. “But I wanted to make something for you and the baby. I made some personal touches like you can lower this,” he said, gesturing at t
he railings, “ so it’s easier to put her there among other things.”
Gladys’ pale blue eyes regarded the crib then she put a hand on it. “You made this?”
Zachary cleared his throat and pushed his shoulders back. “I hope it’s alright.”
“She’s gonna kill him,” Eric muttered under his breath. Sasha pinched him on the elbow, and he winced. “That was mean.”
“You made this,” Gladys echoed, her voice sounding faint. She removed her hand from the crib and looked at Zachary again. “You made this.”
“Yes.”
Suddenly, Gladys burst into tears. Zachary looked like he wanted to die. As everyone looked at everywhere else but the couple, he said, awkwardly, “Oh, Gladys, I just - I wanted to make something special for you and the baby. I know you wanted that crib, but I thought to make you something better - ”
“You made a crib!” Gladys cried out, childishly brushing her tears away with the back of her hands. “You made a crib, oh.”
“I’m sorry.” Zachary looked at Eric and Sasha helplessly.
“What the fuck are you sorry about?” Gladys suddenly yelled at him. As stunned eyes looked at her, she began to laugh and clap her hands. “I fucking love it, you balding idiot!”
When another day passed and her period was still a no-show, Sasha knew she had to face the firing squad.
Eric was out, stocking up on his supplies. He also promised to bring home dessert. She took the opportunity to hit the store and buy a pregnancy test.
She bought three different brands, all promising high accuracy, and a giant jug of orange juice. Eric wasn’t home yet. She uncapped the juice and had two glasses before taking the tests to the bathroom.
It was awkward. She had to catch it midstream, but it wasn’t clear if she should dump her entire piss on the stick or just some of it. So she decided to pee on one from the beginning, the second half-way, and the third, towards the end. She aligned the sticks by the sink and watched the countdown on her cell phone. Her heart was almost beating out of her chest, and she needed to calm herself down. She tried to remember the breathing exercises she had read about in some magazine or another, but she just couldn’t seem to recall the techniques. There was definitely something about deep breaths, so she drew in as much air as her lungs could hold before releasing it like a burst dam. It didn’t seem right because it just made her lungs hurt and she felt a little dizzy too. She tried to breathe slower and let the air out in a measured way, and that seemed to help enough. She was aware that she had spent a significant amount of time in the bathroom. She hoped Eric would come back soon because this unsettled and anxious feeling felt terrible.
The Arrangement Page 7
