by Ally James
She leaned in to drop a kiss on the top of Sara’s head before saying, “I’m exhausted. The darned alarm going off in the middle of the night took years off my life. Have you any idea how startling it is to be jarred from a sound sleep by something such as that?”
Gee, I have no clue, Sara thought wryly, not bothering to point out that she’d done the same thing to her. “Maybe you can catch a nap later,” she added dryly. That certainly wouldn’t be happening for her, as she’d be leaving straight from there to pick up Kaylee.
Her mother looked pointedly at her clothing again. “Were you going to the gym this morning, dear? You know there are much more . . . figure-flattering choices out there. Those types of knits don’t look good on anyone, unless you’re a tiny thing like Nicole.” Wow, an insult and a comparison to Nicole. She is cranky today. Even though her mother wasn’t what you’d call close to her daughter-in-law, they had a sort of mutual admiration thing going on. They were both very appearance conscious and worried far too much about what others thought of them. Don’t forget self-centered.
As irritating as it could be at times, she also felt sorry for her mother. She knew that she focused on silly stuff because she was lonely. The adjustment to her new life had been hard for her. Their father had lavished compliments on her, and she still dressed as if the man who’d been dead for five years now would walk through the door any moment. Every time Sara came close to losing her patience, she tried to put herself in her mother’s place. What must it be like to unexpectedly lose the man you’d been in love with most of your adult life? How do you go from that to living alone? To feeling as if you’re special to no one? Sure, there were children and a grandchild, but that wasn’t the same. Then it hit her with the force of a lightning bolt. Chris gets it and I don’t. While she felt compassion for her mother, maybe she couldn’t understand the full spectrum of her grief because she’d never been married or really even been in love. Sure, five years seemed like a long time, but to her mother, twenty-five probably wouldn’t be enough to get over the loss of her soul mate. Yes, she needed some independence, but with the epiphany she’d had today, Sara decided to let it go—all of it. Instead, she opted for the complete opposite response. “You look nice today, Mom. But then again, you always do,” she said sincerely.
Her mother froze, with her coffee cup halfway to her mouth, as if stunned by her remark. Have I really been so insensitive? It’s not her fault I gave up on my dreams; the buck stops with me. “I—thank you, Sara, that’s very sweet.” She looked down at the table for a long moment. When she glanced up again, her eyes were suspiciously moist. Crap, why hadn’t I kept my big mouth shut? “Can you mail those on your way out?” she asked, pointing toward the nearby envelopes. “I’m meeting my friends for lunch soon, and you know how I feel about being rushed. It ruins my day.” She looked at her watch and clicked her tongue. “Speaking of, shouldn’t you be on your way to get Kaylee? What if you get held up in traffic? I don’t want my granddaughter standing in front of the school waiting after the others have gone. That reflects poorly on the entire family, don’t you think?” Had I imagined those tears? Surely I must have, because emotional mom, if she was ever there, has changed places with disapproving mom. In a strange, and yes, dysfunctional way, she knew how to deal with that version of her mother better since it was the one she got most often.
“Sure, Mom, I’ll take care of it,” she said as she began gathering her things. She’d been keeping up with the time and knew she would easily get there ten minutes early, as she always did. Kaylee had never been picked up late, no matter how many times Sara had been forced to juggle things that Nicole or Chris threw her way at the last moment. They seemed to have total faith in her ability to multitask, even if her mother didn’t. Either that, or they just don’t concern themselves with anything other than their needs. That last catty thought was unfair and she instantly felt petty. A fact that she blamed on too little sleep and an overabundance of coffee. It was normal to have some less than flattering opinions of your employer, at least she hoped it was. Unfortunately in her case, they were also family, which could get complicated in the best of circumstances. And really, it was completely her fault that they tended to take advantage of her. She’d as good as condoned it by never complaining. It wasn’t likely they’d gotten the memo that she was suddenly unhappy with a big chunk of her life. Be the change you want to see. That might not be the exact wording, but she’d read something along those lines before. She talked for another moment, then gave her mother a hug. By the time she’d said good-bye, the other woman was actually rolling her eyes and making no pretense of hiding her exasperation at Sara’s lack of urgency. Just once it would be nice to be recognized for the good job I do with Kaylee instead of being second-guessed constantly. And therein lay the problem. No one recognizes my needs. No one cares about my needs.
Sara wanted to check her e-mail before she left the driveway, but she figured her mother would come outside to see what the holdup was. So she waited until she got to the school. Luckily, she had fifteen minutes to spare, so she quickly scanned her new mail and felt that usual leap of excitement at seeing his name there. Gabe Randall, is it possible I’ve gotten addicted to you? A quick glance showed this message to be longer than his usual ones, which thrilled her even more.
Sara:
Nothing wrong with being an introvert. You already know by now that I don’t use ten words when two will do. I could blame it on the military, but it’s just me. Everyone has their part to play in the game of life. If we were all the same, where would that leave us? I like the image you present of doing the voices with your niece. And every kid is probably embarrassed by adults at some point. It’s those times they’ll remember when they’re older, and not the serious stuff.
Right now, I’m in my office. I’m dirty and tired from traveling today. Looking forward to bed and a few hours of sleep to recharge. I like your e-mails too.
Talk soon,
Gabe
Giddy. She was ridiculously breathy, giddy from his letter. When she’d written that she looked forward to hearing from him, she hadn’t believed he’d return the sentiment, yet he had. And he even included a closing this time. Talk soon. In the pen pal world, that was as good as a promise to write again. Of course, this made her even more curious about him. And it seemed that when she opened up, he did as well, albeit on a smaller scale—but still, the proof was there before her. She wanted nothing more than to reply immediately, but Kaylee was getting in the car now, and she wouldn’t have a chance until they got home. Sara loved this time with Kaylee, so no new friendship with a soldier would interfere with that.
It was difficult, but she put Gabe firmly on the back burner while she talked with her niece about her day. Hearing her animated conversation never failed to make her smile. She loved her so much. “And Billy told Abby she got cooties, and made her cry. So I stepped on his foot, but he didn’t cry. That’s why I’m not on green today, Sarie. When you step on someone’s toes, even if they’re mean, you’re going straight to yellow.”
She couldn’t help it—the matter-of-fact explanation of her drop in the behavioral chart had Sara laughing out loud. She hadn’t been able to imagine such a system would work at keeping rambunctious kindergartners in line, but Kaylee was almost obsessed with staying on the good color. That was why she didn’t feel the need to scold her for the slip today. It was rare that she received anything other than praise from her teacher, and she was proud of the little girl for defending her friend. “I can see how that would happen.” She nodded. “But I’m sure you’ll be back on track tomorrow. Hey, look, kiddo,” she said, drawing her attention to where snowflakes were hitting the windshield. “We need to stop at the store and stock up. It might be a few days before we’re out again. I’m sure your mom will be working longer hours handling the weather updates as well.” It was rare that they had snow in the spring, but it had been a weird winter. The unusually cold temperature
s, along with record rainfall, had combined for more of the white stuff than they’d had in years. She was so ready for summer.
“It’s very important work.” Kaylee did an almost perfect impersonation of Nicole. She wasn’t making fun of her, though. She was simply repeating what she’d been told. Watching her mother on the news every day was something she rarely missed. Sara wondered at times if Nicole wasn’t more like a beautiful stranger the little girl looked up to. The supporting cast. She pushed that troubling thought aside as they reached the grocery store and parked. It was frantic, as it usually was when bad weather was expected, but they managed to get all they needed. A short time later, when everything was put away, Sara gave in to Kaylee’s pleas to go outside for a few minutes. And even though there was only a dusting of snow on the ground, they still had a blast playing in it. She took a few pictures and sent them to both Chris and Nicole, as she tried to do daily. They’re missing this beautiful girl’s childhood. Moments they’ll never get back. She took one last one of her and Kaylee holding rabbit ears over each other’s head. That one was just for her. She had hundreds of them, and each one told a different story.
A couple of hours had passed by the time Kaylee was coloring and Sara had some time to herself to write back to Gabe. She used to enjoy playing Candy Crush or surfing the Internet as a way to relax, but now either responding or reading back over their old messages was her favorite pastime. She hated how long it had taken her to reply this time. She could have sent a rushed note, but he deserved to have her full attention. She wondered what sorts of things he’d want to know from home. Where does he live when stateside, anyway? He’d probably like hearing about their snowball fight, and really, what else could she tell him about her day? Helped my beautiful and incapable-of-independence mother with her finances . . . So snowball fight it was.
She had no idea where the idea of sending him a couple of pictures had come from. As she stared down at the one of her and Kaylee that she planned to attach, she wondered if it was a good idea. Her face was flushed and her hair was standing up in a couple of places. She looked exactly like someone who’d recently rolled in the snow. Surely she had more flattering ones she could send. She was still staring at the images in indecision when Kaylee startled her by saying, “We look pretty, Sarie.” Her innocent approval was enough for Sara. If Gabe didn’t agree, then too bad. He was her pen pal, not her future husband. Her appearance shouldn’t matter.
Her bravado ended the moment she hit the Send button. Crap, what have I done? She wanted nothing more than to get the e-mail back, yet that wasn’t possible. There was nothing she could do now but wait for his response. Time for a distraction. “Kaylee, how about we make homemade pizzas for dinner tonight?” She smiled as her suggestion was met with a roar of approval. Don’t leave me hanging, Gabe.
Chapter Six
Gabe lay on his back in his small bed and stared up at his phone screen yet again. He’d lost count of how many times he’d looked at the picture Sara had sent him earlier. He’d barely been able to control his excitement while he’d scrolled down until the two images popped up. The first had been shallow outlines in the snow, clearly the angels she’d mentioned. But the second one . . . wow. He didn’t think he was capable of that heart-melting feeling he’d read about. But when he saw the beautiful, smiling woman with one arm around a beaming child’s shoulders as they both made rabbit ears atop the other’s head, his insides had turned to mush. Her cheeks were pink and her eyes fairly glowed from within with vitality and mischief. She had long, dark hair that was hanging to one side from a ponytail, and her figure looked lush and curvy in the formfitting clothing she was wearing. To put it crudely, she was every wet dream he’d ever had. And she had no idea how much he needed the smile she’d given him. Unfortunately, he couldn’t tell her for probably another twelve hours.
Jason had delivered the news earlier that they’d lost a soldier to friendly fire. Of all the casualties in this endless war, those were the losses that he had the hardest time accepting, senseless and avoidable accidents that cost the life of another. Worlds were forever changed and there wasn’t a damned thing he or anyone could do to make it better.
When something like this happened, the base went on a communication blackout until the situation had been handled and proper notifications had been made. Usually that was around twenty-four hours. He shouldn’t have even gotten Sara’s e-mail until much later, but he had temporary leeway to send a couple of official messages before he was once again off-line. He couldn’t have guessed how much that correspondence would help him deal with this latest tragedy.
Even without Wi-Fi, there was work he could do, but he’d temporarily lost his ability to give a shit about it. There was also the fact that he hadn’t slept in going on two days now. The biggest workaholic had to hit the wall at some point, and he was pretty much there. As spent as he was, he couldn’t make himself put his phone away. He’d long since memorized every single feature he could see in her picture. He was a logical man, not given to flights of fancy. Yet he was captivated by her and he had been even before he knew what she looked like. You’ve been in the desert too long. An argument could certainly be made for that, yet he was practically an old pro at this life by now. He’d spent almost seven of the last sixteen years overseas. And that didn’t count the other TDYs, or temporary duties he’d been assigned to in various locations. He tended to travel a lot and had long since learned how to pack light and live out of a suitcase. Like everyone, he had bouts of restlessness. Most of those were upon returning and adjusting to life stateside again. Being away from all the luxuries many citizens took for granted sucked, but there was a simplicity here. Each day was basically the same, and your focus was entirely on the mission. Naturally you worried about things at home, but the fact that you couldn’t do shit about it relieved a little of that stress. In a sense, going back was like leaving nine months of solitary confinement and suddenly being dumped out into a bright, sunny day. Although it was a beautiful thing, it was also blinding and disorienting until you adjusted. Everyone around you understood all the societal rules and nuances, some of which you simply forgot. In a word, you often felt lost.
He’d thought the younger guys struggled with that the most. The seasoned soldiers such as himself tended to joke it off as no big deal. Yet his rapid attachment to Sara made him question whether this lifestyle was beginning to wear on him. The biggest thing he should know to avoid was a woman with such close ties to her family. There was no good way to ask someone like that to move around as often as he did. And that wasn’t the worst of it. Having a woman in his life meant not only that she would be uprooted from her loved ones but that she’d eventually be left alone in a place she wasn’t familiar with while he deployed to somewhere like Iraq for another nine-to-twelve-month tour. With the number of wars the United States engaged in now, there was no end in sight to the amount of times an active service member would be sent overseas. Who would sign up for that?
Gabe could write a book about why it was a bad idea for him to become infatuated with a woman at this stage in his career, yet that ship seemed to have already sailed. It shouldn’t have come as a total surprise to him. He’d been unusually restless the last few years. Really since he’d relocated to Alaska. Even living close to the big city of Anchorage didn’t distract from the unspoiled beauty of the state he’d grown to love. He was still years away from retiring, and chances were high that he’d end up moving several more times before his career ended, but unless something changed, he wanted Alaska to be where he started his civilian life when his military one was over. He hadn’t been exactly enthusiastic when he got his orders for Alaska. Would have been nice to end up somewhere with less snow. But for the most part, you went where Uncle Sam needed you, which was how he’d ended up in Anchorage. He could freely admit now that he’d been wrong. He loved the unspoiled beauty. The way the few hours of sunshine a day during the winter glistened off the snow-heavy tree br
anches. The white mountain peaks that looked like something out of a magazine. The crisp clean air that made you want to pause simply to inhale it. The vibrant colors of the Northern Lights that shimmered and swirled against the backdrop of Anchorage’s skies in the winter months. And the people—which was an unusual thing for him to list as a plus. Normally he tended to keep to himself. He was polite, but distant. Why bother forming attachments when it was a temporary layover for him? Yet he had done just that. Anchorage might be a large city, but he’d never felt anonymous there. Neighbors watched out for each other, and the servers in the local restaurants remembered how you liked your coffee. He knew he wouldn’t be there more than another year or so, but he was putting down roots for the first time. In Alaska, he’d finally found a home.
The one good thing about deploying so often was that he’d managed to put away a tidy nest egg for the future. Right now, he was renting a cabin away from the hustle and bustle of Anchorage, but if he moved there permanently, he’d be looking to build exactly what he wanted. He’d never given much thought to sharing that vision with someone else, but in such a short amount of time, she’d made him consider an alternate ending to the solitary one he’d imagined. It wasn’t that he was dead set on being a lifelong bachelor; he just hadn’t seen the need to ponder an alternative lifestyle—until now. He was very much a “cross that bridge when you come to it” kind of man. Dealing in the here and now, or situational control, as the Army referred to it. I sound like a brochure for the freaking military.
