by Ally James
A loud yawn escaped him as his eyes began to blur. Ready or not, his body was shutting down for a while. The last thing on his mind as he drifted off into an exhausted slumber was the beautiful woman from the picture. Only in his dreams, she was laughing by his side instead of with the little girl.
* * *
• • •
“Why in God’s earth did I send him my picture? Temporary insanity, that’s all I can come up with. We had a good thing going, but now it’s just the sounds of silence. I scared him away,” Sara muttered before taking a sip from her glass of wine. When Chloe had called and invited herself over, Sara had been more than happy to welcome her. With Nicole sleeping at the station and Chris still out of town, she was desperate for a distraction. Normally she would have taken Kaylee somewhere, but the icy roads made traveling too risky. Chloe’s neighbor had offered to drop her off on his way to work, and obviously she was bored enough to take him up on it. So now they sat cross-legged on the floor in front of the fireplace in lounge pants and T-shirts, having their version of an adult pajama party. When Kaylee had gone to bed, Chloe had brought out the bottle of wine she’d brought along with her.
“Let me see it,” Chloe mumbled around a chip she’d just pushed into her mouth. When Sara didn’t respond, Chloe made a grabbing motion with her hand. “If you want my honest opinion, then show me the damn thing.”
Reluctantly, she scrolled through her camera roll until she located the image she’d sent Gabe. She studied it for a moment before handing it to her cousin. Granted, it was no glamour shot, but she didn’t think it was that bad. If Gabe was so picky and critical of a woman’s appearance, then screw him. The last thing she needed in her life was someone else making her feel bad about herself. I’ve got a family to do that, Randall.
“Are you kidding me?” Chloe asked, sounding baffled. Well, damn, even she thinks it sucks. Why didn’t I ask her opinion before I sent it? “Sara, this is an amazing photo. Probably the best one of you I’ve ever seen. You should use it as your profile picture on Facebook.” Wait—was that sarcasm? But even as that thought occurred to her she discounted it, because there was nothing but sincerity in Chloe’s tone. “I have no clue why you haven’t heard back from him, but I can promise you that there is nothing at all wrong with that picture. Remember when I read the e-mail you sent to him and I said it sparkled?” Sara nodded slowly, feeling herself beginning to relax. “Well, this image was made to go with that letter. It picks up on everything that I pointed out to you and more. This says without words that you’re vibrant, funny, loving, and a flipping knockout.”
Sara could feel the heat rushing into her face at Chloe’s comments. She almost seems to envy . . . me. That can’t be possible. She has it all. “Please—look at that piece of hair sticking up on the side of my head. And I’m so pale, I nearly blend in with the snow.” Sara cringed in embarrassment.
Instead of laughing along with her, Chloe shook her head. “Why do you always do that? Whenever someone pays you a compliment, you immediately draw their attention to what you consider a negative. And it’s not just with me either. I’ve heard you do the same thing at family gatherings.” Chloe held up her hand, as if knowing what she was going to say. “I’m not talking about the reunion. I think Aunt Lydia took center stage with the spinster thing. Even you couldn’t top her there.” She leaned over and placed a hand on Sara’s arm, giving it a gentle squeeze. “Seriously, though, I’m not saying it to be mean. Quite the opposite. We all have built-in protection mechanisms, and that’s yours. Insulting yourself before anyone else can do it. But here’s the thing—the majority of people were never going to hurt you in the first place. And the ones who would are assholes and their opinion doesn’t matter.”
Although she was embarrassed to have her cousin pick up on something she’d done for so long that it was almost second nature to her, she couldn’t deny that it was an ugly habit. She did it partly because having attention focused on herself made her uncomfortable, but she had to face that fact that her low self-esteem played a role as well. Never let them see you sweat. Or, in her case, never let them hurt you when you can do it yourself. Sara ran a hand through her hair self-consciously. “You’re absolutely right. I once worked with a lady who did the same thing. Funny thing is, I’d never noticed any of the things she brought to my attention. But after that, I couldn’t stop seeing them.”
“Yep, precisely.” Chloe nodded. “She retrained your brain. It’s why you never tell a guy what size you wear. Because chances are they think you’re way smaller until you toss out something that contains the word ‘large.’ After that, when they look at your ass, yeah . . . big.”
Sara giggled; she couldn’t help it. And it seemed to be contagious because, seconds later, Chloe joined in, and soon they were leaning against each other laughing hysterically. In the midst of it all, she couldn’t help thinking how much she’d missed having a close friend. Someone to share moments like these with. Not only had she given up dating, but she’d pushed aside most of her relationships. She’d read once that it was often those who thought so little of themselves that willingly marooned themselves on their own island of self-loathing. Was that me? To not know that my cousin thinks highly of me and thinks I’m pretty? Sara almost felt ashamed that she’d sunk so low that she not only expected criticism but possibly condoned it by not answering back. Built-in protection mechanisms. Mine were walls. Was Chloe right? This says without words that you’re vibrant, funny, loving, and a flipping knockout. Was that how other people—those not in the asshole territory—saw her?
When she thought hard about it, she couldn’t even remember when this behavior started, but clearly it wasn’t the way to continue living life. Vibrant. Funny. Loving.
Unfortunately, while she’d remained in limbo, the world had continued on without her; she hadn’t joined in as part of it. That has to change. Both Gabe and Chloe had shown her what she was missing. Having a boyfriend, someone she connected with like Gabe, would be great . . . but what she wanted most of all was simply a life of her own. And only she could make that happen.
Chapter Seven
Gabe couldn’t believe how anxious and excited he was to be back online again. I need the escape from reality badly. The communications block had been lifted an hour earlier, but he’d been forced to sit through a meeting before he could make it to the privacy of his office. It had been almost two full days since he’d written to Sara, and he hated that she had no clue why he had stopped writing to her. Yet another hardship on those back at home. Technology was wonderful, and did an amazing job at lessening the hardship of deployments, but things still happened that were beyond their control. Even though they’d still worry, family members who’d been through this with soldiers before understood it. But Sara likely had no clue. Should I have warned her ahead of time? That was the problem with connections like this—you didn’t really know what protocol to follow. If he were dating or married, then of course he’d have covered the part about not panicking if he abruptly disappeared. Naturally, a significant other would still be concerned, but at least they knew the possibility of downtime existed. Sara had popped into his life so suddenly, he hadn’t had a chance to think of anything other than how much he enjoyed talking to her.
He knew he could easily sit there another hour and obsess, but he had an e-mail to send. So he pulled up her last message and hit the Reply button.
Sara:
I’m sorry I’ve been off-grid for a few days. We had an incident, and when that happens, comms are taken down for a while. It’s standard protocol and unfortunately it happens far too often. I wish I could have gotten word to you, but what little outgoing mail we’re allowed to send during that time is monitored.
Thank you for the pictures. You couldn’t have sent them at a better time, as they gave me something else to focus on other than what’s been going on here. I’ve pretty much seen it all, but . . . I guess the day I become immune t
o the loss of human life is the day I need to resign my command. And I think you’re right about the only true path to peace. I love my country and I’m proud to do my part, but I think these wars will be fought long after I’m gone. Soldiers have to find a way to accept that the sacrifices that we and our loved ones make are part of a big, long-range goal. Instant gratification doesn’t exist here. There are many types of victories, and one of the most important is keeping your sanity while being away from everything you’ve ever known for months at a stretch. You’ve made a difference for me. I loved the pictures. Your beautiful smile, your joy, it held me together.
Gabe
He knew his letter was too serious and bordering on gloomy, but he’d just started writing, with nothing other than an apology in mind. He’d ended up pouring out a piece of his soul, something he’d never done like this with anyone. Even though her messages were usually funny and upbeat, he remembered the one about her aunt calling her a spinster. No matter how much she joked about it, he sensed the underlying hurt. Granted it was a much different scenario, but it had shown him immediately that she had a compassionate heart. A big part of talking to someone in this way was being able to read between the lines. And with her, he felt a type of kinship. He could be wrong, it had certainly happened with other things, but somehow he didn’t think so. She was special. Please don’t let me be wrong about her.
Gabe pressed the Send button and felt as if a weight had been lifted from his shoulders. Not being able to contact her had bothered him more than he could have imagined. And now he had her reply to look forward to. He picked up his phone and glanced around his empty office sheepishly before looking at his home screen. The picture she’d sent him was now his background image. Just seeing her face somehow made his day better. He knew it was crazy, and he’d never admit it to anyone else, but he was in serious danger of falling for a woman he’d likely never meet.
* * *
• • •
Sara was usually a bit sad to drop Kaylee off at school. She missed the little girl while she was gone, even though she attended for only a few hours. The house always seemed entirely too quiet without her constant chatter. Plus, today was one of those rare times when Nicole was picking her daughter up, so she wouldn’t see her until late that afternoon. But after being snowed in with a bored and restless five-year-old, Sara was more than happy to give her niece a hug and say good-bye. Unfortunately, Kaylee didn’t feel the same way. “I wanna stay with you, Sarie.” She scrunched her face up into an adorable frown before adding, “Billy gets on my nerves really bad. And now I gotta put up with perfect Maisie. Those big bows in her hair are ugly. She doesn’t even have a bike, only a doll with a face that breaks if you drop it. Who wants something like that?”
Ah, now I see. Sara understood she wasn’t the only one in the car who struggled with self-esteem. She mentally cursed Nicole for not seeing that by praising her friend’s daughter so much, she was filling her own with insecurity. If Kaylee were more confident in her relationship with her mother, it might not be an issue. Regardless of her feelings toward her sister-in-law, she didn’t think the other woman did it maliciously. She probably believed Kaylee would see Maisie as a role model. Unfortunately, it was having the opposite effect. Kaylee resented and felt inferior to the little girl. Sara had broached the subject with Nicole before but had gotten nowhere. Nicole didn’t like her input on parenting philosophies. She’d point out that since Sara herself wasn’t a mother, she didn’t understand how things should be. She’d wanted to tell her that she spent more time with Kaylee than Nicole did, but it was one of many times she’d bitten her tongue for the sake of family peace. But none of that mattered now. She had to remain positive; otherwise, it would influence Kaylee’s mood further, and she didn’t want that. So she pulled her car out of the line and over to the side before putting it into Park. Then she turned and put a hand over her niece’s. “Sweetie, listen to me,” she said gently and waited until Kaylee was looking up at her. “You’ve barely seen your mom in days because of the snow. She’s taking off this afternoon just for you. She’s missed you so much. You’re going to have such an amazing time.” When Kaylee appeared skeptical, Sara reached up and tapped her forehead lightly. “You better keep notes for me up there. I want to hear all about it tonight.”
“It’ll be all ’bout Maisie,” Kaylee said with an eyeroll that had Sara grinning despite herself. “She’ll have one of those big bows in her hair again. They’re always pink too, Sarie. Does she not have any other colors?”
Don’t laugh, don’t laugh. Keep it together. Sara bit her tongue so hard she was surprised it was still attached. The kid was so darned cute, it was nearly impossible to remain composed. Then she did something that she knew every parenting book preached against, but dammit, she wanted Kaylee to have fun with Nicole and not dread it so much that she missed out on what could be some much-needed mother-daughter bonding. She lowered her voice conspiratorially and motioned Kaylee closer. “Can you keep a secret?” Kaylee’s eyes widened as she nodded enthusiastically. “Your mom says all that nice stuff about Maisie because she feels sorry for her.” She pointed to Kaylee’s blue jeans, with the colorful butterfly and rainbow patches. “See how adorable and different you’re dressed? That makes you very unique. Do you know what that word means?”
Kaylee sat there for a moment appearing deep in thought. Finally, she said, “It’s a good thing, right? That’s why you’re smiling, Sarie.”
Nodding, Sara said, “It’s a great thing. You’re different in the absolute best way.” She pointed to where Kaylee’s heart was located before adding, “You glow on the inside and outside. You’re like a shooting star crossed with the brightest sun. You’re so very special, and your mom just wants other kids to feel as awesome as you make her feel.”
“Really?” Kaylee whispered.
“Absolutely, sweetheart,” Sara said confidently. “Now remember, this is just between us. We don’t want your mom to stop doing her good deeds, do we?”
“Oh no, Sarie, we don’t. Maisie needs lots of those too. She might wear some yellow one day if Mommy keeps trying.”
“Wow, I bet you’re right.” Sara grinned. “Now let’s get you in school so you won’t be late. And before you know it, your mom will be here to pick you up, okay?”
She couldn’t believe the difference that one little bending of the truth had made in Kaylee’s attitude. She was practically bouncing on the seat in excitement. She didn’t consider it a lie because she knew Nicole thought her daughter was special. She just didn’t know how to communicate that in a way that Kaylee understood, at least not yet.
Sara eased the car back into the drop-off line and said good-bye to Kaylee before pulling back out into the street and heading to the mall. Since she had a rare day off, she planned to do some long overdue shopping and of course return some items for Nicole. She parked on the end next to Starbucks and ordered a white chocolate mocha latte and a blueberry scone. She found a quiet table near the back and settled down to enjoy her breakfast. When she pulled her phone out of her purse and saw the e-mail alert, her heart skipped a beat. Don’t get excited. It’s not him. You probably won’t hear from him again. It’s over. She kept repeating some version of that to herself, but her fingers trembled as she clicked to check her mail folder and saw his name. Oh my God. She leaned over as if to block the rest of the world out as she began reading his message.
Sara felt the tear slide down her cheek before she even thought to stop it. Gabe had said so much in his letter, but it was what he hadn’t fully put into words that moved her. The grief and fatigue that he was feeling hung so heavily throughout his message. She wanted nothing more than to go to this man—this stranger that she barely knew—and put her arms around him. Tell him everything would be all right, even though she had no clue if it would be. Sometimes you just needed to hear the words, kind of like with Kaylee earlier. Even the strongest people require comfort, sinc
e it’s human nature to seek it from another when the world appears bleak.
Almost without thought, she hit the Reply button and typed out:
I’m here for you, Gabe. I wanted you to know that before I took the time to write more.
Sara
She was so lost in her thoughts that when a chair scraped loudly across the floor, she jumped in shock, having completely lost track of where she was. Luckily, no one seemed to pay her any attention. She took a sip of her coffee and was setting it back down when her e-mail alert flashed. She clicked on it and was surprised to see another message from Gabe. Although for the most part they e-mailed each other fairly quickly, she’d never received a response instantly before. Somehow it made it feel like a more personal exchange. As if he were close by and not thousands of miles away.
Thanks Sara, that means a lot to me. What are you doing?
Her hands trembled in excitement. They were having an actual conversation. Somehow, she hadn’t expected that. Slow down. He’s likely not sitting there breathlessly awaiting your reply . . . like you are his. Oh, come on, he might be . . . I’m officially losing it, I’m arguing with myself now.
I’m at Starbucks having some coffee. Plan to brave the mall after the caffeine kicks in. How about you?
And even as she tried to remain calm, she still found herself staring at her phone after hitting the Send button. Her patience was rewarded when another e-mail came in.
I’m at the coffee shop too. Trust me, it’s nothing fancy, but over here, it’s about as close to luxury as you can get. Hey, do you have any instant messaging programs? It would be easier to talk that way. I use WhatsApp with my family. Or if you use an iPhone, we could try the iMessage app. I get it if you’re not comfortable doing that. No pressure at all, Sara.
