by Ally James
She stood for a moment, drinking in every feature. Yet his expression told her that she was not welcome there. “Gabe. My brother is joking. How long are you here—”
“No, I’m thinking the joke is on me, Sara. You lied to me about everything. You’re not the spinster nanny, you’re the mother. How did you manage to pull it off? We talked so much. Does your husband travel or something?” Before she could reply, he held up his hand. “You know what? It doesn’t matter. Hell, I wouldn’t know if you were telling the truth anyway.” The pain in his voice ripped her heart out when he said, “I trusted you, Sara. I fucking let you in and you lied to me. Is this how you get your kicks? Seems like that is your kink.” No. No, this is not happening. How can he not believe me?
“I’m not married, Gabe!” she yelled out, desperate to salvage the mess she’d made. “I swear to you, Chris is my brother. He said that because he could see that I was panicking and he was trying to protect me. If he’d known who you were—”
“I felt it was the right thing to do to come to you, Sara. And I’m glad I did. I’ll make sure I get a refund on the ticket to Alaska.” She opened her mouth, then closed it again. What could she say? She’d been too much of a coward to tell everyone about the man she had met online. And maybe a part of her hadn’t believed it would ever happen that they would one day meet in person. This was a disaster. How could this have happened? Lower than dirt. I’m the worst excuse for a person ever. He’s even more amazing than I realized, and I’ve hurt him.
I hate myself.
She had no idea what she should do next, but she found herself blurting out an explanation. “I was afraid to let myself get excited. I was already so attached to you that I didn’t think I could handle it if you changed your mind after your deployment. So I tried not to think about it. To get my hopes up . . .”
He ran an unsteady hand over his face in a gesture that was so familiar to her that it made her heart ache. She knew him so well—yet not at all. How did things get to this point? “I swear, I don’t know what to believe. In hindsight, showing up unannounced wasn’t such a good idea, that’s for sure.”
“Why did you?” she asked him softly, barely able to resist the urge to touch him. The only thing that stopped her was the certainty that he didn’t want her to get any closer. Why would he?
His expression was blank as he stared back at her, but the pained expression was still there in his eyes and she had to fight to keep from glancing away. “I knew you’d get all nervous and I didn’t want that. Shit, you get flustered if you don’t have time to prepare to FaceTime. I changed my flights. Thought it would be a nice surprise after the initial shock. But now—”
“You did all this for me?” she asked. Please don’t walk away, Gabe. Please listen.
“Great plan, huh?” he said sarcastically. “Remind me to stick to the script in the future. Oh wait, you’re not likely to be around for that, are you? Maybe I can have it put on a T-shirt or something more reliable.”
“I’m so sorry.” She gulped as the tears threatened to flow. The fact that she’d held them back this long was nothing short of a miracle. “I never wanted to hurt you, Gabe. These months with you have been . . . the best of my life. You don’t know how much I looked forward to each day because of you. I—I’ve never felt this way about anyone before. And I was afraid . . . it was too good to be true.”
“Sara—dammit, don’t you think I’ve felt the same?” he snapped, before inhaling roughly when a tear rolled down her cheek, followed by another. “Don’t . . . please. Regardless of how angry I feel, I can’t stand to see you cry.”
“I’m sorry.” She hiccuped, but couldn’t stop the outburst of emotion now that it had started.
“Jesus.” He sighed. She felt hands on first her shoulders, then her back, before she was pulled into a warm embrace. The scent, there it was. His cologne. He’d sent her a letter from Iraq and had added it, just as she’d put her perfume on some for him. “I need to leave. I’m tired and frankly a little overwhelmed. Returning to the States is challenging enough without playing the starring role in a sideshow.”
“It’s not like that. Please believe me. Where are you going to go?” she asked, suddenly terrified that she’d never see him again. He probably doesn’t believe a word you’ve said. Why would he?
He put his hands in his pockets as he rocked back on his heels. He did look exhausted and completely distant—so different from how she was used to seeing him during their hours on FaceTime together. “I booked a hotel room. I’m going to go check in and crash for a while.”
“And after that?” she asked quietly. Run like hell.
He shrugged his broad shoulders before saying, “What does it matter to you? How long were you planning to stay in the fantasy world we created? You know what? Don’t answer that.” He turned away, and Sara was sure he was going to go. But then he turned back, and even though there was still so much hostility in his expression, he managed to say more softly, “Why’d you agree to come to Alaska? You went so far as to let me buy you a plane ticket. This isn’t about the money, so don’t offer to pay me back.” How does he do that? Read my mind so easily. “Why didn’t you come up with an excuse? Buy yourself more time? Especially if, as you’ve stated, you thought I’d lose interest in you when I got home.”
“Because I wanted to meet you. Gabe, I wasn’t lying when I said these have been the best months ever for me.”
His lips curled into the smirk she’d always thought was so flipping cute. But today, it made her more uncomfortable. She’d never been at odds with him before. He always treated her so gently. She had no doubt he knew how to get his point across to his soldiers with the minimum amount of words. But that wasn’t her Gabe—until now. All my fault, I did this. He doesn’t see me in the same light anymore. Opening his arms, he said, “Well, here I am, Sara, in the flesh. All you have to do is reach out and take a chance. I’ve literally laid myself at your door.”
She felt trapped in a prison of her own making. She wanted to run off into the sunset with him, yet she had obligations here. I should have told my family about him. Why didn’t I? “Gabe . . . I can’t just walk out on my life,” she said imploringly. “My brother and his wife are going on vacation tomorrow. And my mother is staying here until her heating system is repaired. She won’t watch Kaylee for more than a few hours, so there’s no way she’d do it for an extended period. If you’ll give me a little more time, I can—”
“Stop, Sara, enough with the excuses. You have a flight booked in a week. If you want to give whatever this is between us a chance, then you’ll be on it. I was planning to go with you, but now I’ll see if I can change my ticket and go back sooner.”
“Wh—what if I can’t get everything together that quickly?” she asked, knowing he was still angry, but never expecting what he said next.
He glanced down the street, as if gathering his thoughts. “Whatever we’ve been doing ends here. I did my part. I committed to the next step by coming to you. We won’t continue our virtual relationship after this. I’ll cut off communication with you and move on. I cannot and will not put my world on hold to be your e-boyfriend. I’m not a teenager, Sara, I’m thirty-seven years old. Even though I was wary, I bought into the fact that people meet in unusual ways every day and it works out. I took a chance on you once—but that’s as far as I’ll go.”
“Gabe,” she whispered as the tears started once again.
Only this time he made no move to comfort her. Instead he turned on his heel and was a few feet away when he stopped and faced her one last time. “Your pictures and FaceTime didn’t do you justice. You’re beautiful, Sara.” Then he added the phrase she’d used in one of the first e-mails she’d sent to him: “Ball’s in your court.” And with that he was gone—and it felt like he took with him a large chunk of her heart. And the other part? It was shattered. Torn. The man I’m certain I’d begun to love
is walking away, and I can blame no one other than myself.
Chapter Thirteen
Somehow, she made it back inside the house, although she couldn’t remember moving. Chris was sitting on the bottom of the stairs when she opened the door, but Kaylee was nowhere in sight. “What in the hell was that all about?” he asked in bewilderment. Oh, you’re confused? Join the club.
She debated continuing on past him, but she had nothing left. Plus, even though she and her brother had never been what you’d call confidants, she needed to talk to someone about the absolute train wreck she’d just caused. He slid over a few inches and motioned for her to sit next to him. If she looked anywhere near as bad as she felt, he probably thought she’d collapse at any moment. “His name is Gabe Randall, and we met about seven months ago,” she said quietly. It’s over. No more messages, no nothing. Over, Over, Over.
It was obvious by the note of confusion in his voice that he was even more lost now. “Okay . . . if you met, then why did he seem like a stranger to you? And you damn sure weren’t rolling out the welcome wagon for him. That’s why I said you were my wife. Hell, I thought maybe some weirdo had followed you home from the grocery store or something. Although I couldn’t figure out how he knew the things he did.”
She pinched the bridge of her nose, trying to collect herself so she could tell him what was going on. She needed to get it out before Nicole and her mother got back. She couldn’t face them joining in this mess. “It’s a long story, but one of the radio stations that I listen to was collecting cards back in April to send to deployed soldiers. I filled one out and mailed it to them, and it ended up in Gabe’s hands. He e-mailed to thank me and we formed a friendship . . . that turned into more.” Understatement of the century.
At the mention of soldiers, she had Chris’s complete attention. Even though he was no longer in the service, he still considered it a second home and the troops his family. “He’s active duty? Which branch?”
“Yes, he’s a major in the Army. He just finished his seventh deployment overseas.”
“I see. That’s impressive,” he said sincerely. “How long has he been in?”
“For sixteen years. He’s stationed in Anchorage, Alaska. He bought me a plane ticket to go visit him.”
“I thought you’d seemed . . . different lately, but I couldn’t quite put my finger on it.” And you didn’t care enough to bother figuring it out. But then she felt bad for her bitchy reaction. He was trying now, wasn’t he? “What I can’t understand is why you wouldn’t have come to me. I might not have been Army, but I have contacts who would check him out for you. I hate to say this, but there are a lot of guys who use their uniform to impress women. For all you know, he might be married with a half-dozen kids running around. You’ve led a pretty sheltered life, Sara. You don’t know what it’s like out there. It would be so damned easy for someone to take advantage of you. I mean, you even gave him your address. Not only did you put yourself at risk, but my family as well.”
She looked up at him, not bothering to hide the hurt she felt. “Oh, excuse me, I thought I was your family as well.” He felt bad; it was clear on his face. She also knew she was being overly sensitive because of Gabe. If she could pick a fight with her brother, then she wouldn’t be so focused on what she’d lost. You mean threw away. You had a choice—you made it. Spinster.
“God, I suck at this.” He laughed before bumping his shoulder against hers. “I never seem to say the right thing to you. So I just didn’t bother to try after a while. I know I’ve been a shit brother, considering how much you’ve given up for us—for Kaylee. I should have said it way before now, but I hope you realize that I appreciate you and all you’ve done for us. I haven’t a clue what we would have done if you hadn’t agreed to help us. Nicole and I—we need to do better. I always wanted to have a relationship with my kids the way we had with Dad. You know—be a friend and a parent. You and Kaylee are like that, but I don’t know how to be.”
Even though this was not at all the time she would have picked to have a heart-to-heart talk with her brother, it did provide a temporary diversion. “I’ve loved being with Kaylee,” she said honestly. “You have an amazing daughter. And I might not know much about kids, but the main way that bonds are formed is by being there. Spending time with them. Listening to their hopes and fears. Because even at that young age, they have plenty of them to discuss. You have to become a main character and not part of the supporting cast.”
“Okay, that makes sense,” he mused. “I’m going to talk to Nicole while we’re gone, and we’re going to make some changes when we get back. We both lead busy lives, but that’s no excuse. You shouldn’t have to shoulder all the responsibility for raising our child. That must have put so much pressure on you. Obviously, you needed an escape; otherwise, this wouldn’t have happened today. We’ll give you more time off so you can have a social life with people you actually know. I’m sure Chloe could introduce you to some of her friends.”
As he continued outlining his plan to get her some socialization, she could only sit there and listen to him incredulously. He’s trying to fix me, as if I’m broken. Then what was really going on hit her. He’s scared. This thing with Gabe today had shaken not only her but him as well. But for two very different reasons. She was devastated over hurting the man she cared so much for. She also couldn’t imagine not talking to him every day. He’d become such a big part of her world. But Chris . . . he was clearly panicked at the thought of her leaving them behind and starting a life of her own. Not only was his daughter spoiled by her constant presence, but so was he. Her exit would cause a major upheaval for them. They were so used to Sara handling Kaylee’s care and whatever things they couldn’t get to. There were essentially three people in their marriage, instead of two. She was the one who took care of all the details they didn’t want to deal with. There was no way that he’d have ever approved of Gabe, regardless of how much the other man impressed him. Because he could only see the potential disruption he could cause. “I think I’m going to go lie down for a while,” she said when he’d finally paused. “I’ve got a bit of a headache.”
“Well, of course you do,” he said as he leaned over to kiss the top of her head. Wow, affection too? He’s really freaked. “Don’t worry about any of this. If that guy bothers you anymore, let me know and I’ll take care of it. You did the right thing—sending him on his way. Even if he has been truthful with you about everything—which I seriously doubt—your life is here. Responsibilities that neither of us can walk away from. Outside of your job, we have a mother that depends on both of us. Everyone has dreams, but they have to be balanced with reality. I can see how you would have been easily led astray by some pretty words—and whatever other nonsense he filled your head with. I’m just glad I was here when this happened. No telling how difficult he might have been if he hadn’t known I was right inside, watching.”
Talk about a glass of ice water over the head. His motivational talk bordered on insulting. She knew his heart was in the right place, but again he made her sound more like a wayward employee than his sister. Is that all I am to him? Sara got to her feet, having hit her limit for the moment. She desperately needed a quiet space to process the last hour—and to cry. She had no idea what she even said to Chris before she walked off. She covered the last few feet to her room in a dead run. She closed the door and locked it before leaning her back against the hard surface and sliding down until she was sitting on the floor with her arms wrapped around her knees. Then the dam burst and all her anguish came pouring out. She couldn’t remember crying like this since she’d lost her father five years earlier. All she could see was Gabe’s stricken expression as he stared at her. She’d hurt him—badly. She wanted nothing more than to make it up to him. But how? He said the ball was in her court now, but she’d also picked up on his unspoken threat. It wasn’t an open-ended offer. He wouldn’t wait for her, and there were no guarantees that he�
�d forgive her either way. She had one shot, and the window was already closing on it. Unless . . . she could reason with him. Make him understand that she needed just a little longer. She jumped to her feet, intent on getting her iPad to e-mail him. But even as she tried to reassure herself that it could be that easy, she knew in her heart that it wouldn’t. His statement had implied she had a chance, but she was very much afraid that it had been over between them before the words had left his mouth.
* * *
• • •
How could I have been so damned gullible? Gabe had counseled his soldiers countless times on not taking anything at face value, especially relationships. Always trust your gut. If it seems too good to be true, it likely is. He’d said some version of that at least once a month. Yet he’d jumped headfirst down the same rabbit hole he’d advised against and had been blissfully happy doing it. Until today, when he’d been made an utter fool of. He had a hard time even thinking about the scene at Sara’s door without being equal parts furious and embarrassed. He might have been wary a few times along the way, but it had never seriously given him pause. She’d been so amazing it dazzled him. And not in the sexual kind of connection that a lot of his soldiers had fallen victim to. Although she was a beautiful woman and he was very attracted to her, it had been more than that between them. Her outgoing personality, along with her sweetness, had lured him in. Had she just been some hot bimbo, he would have given her the brush-off quickly. Was it all an illusion? What she wanted him to see?
