William Shakespeare's The Jedi Doth Return
Page 1
Copyright © 2014 by Lucasfilm Ltd. & TM. All rights reserved.
Used under authorization.
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form without written permission from the publisher.
Library of Congress Cataloging in Publication Number: 2013945949
eBook ISBN: 978-1-59474-714-4
Hardcover ISBN: 978-1-59474-713-7
Text by Ian Doescher
Illustrations by Nicolas Delort
Hardcover Production management by John J. McGurk
Quirk Books
215 Church Street
Philadelphia, PA 19106
quirkbooks.com
v3.1
FOR BOB, MY DAD, WHO NE’ER CUT OFF MY HAND.
FOR BETH, MY MOM, WHO NEVER WED MY UNCLE.
AND FOR MY BROTHER ERIK, WHO NE’ER TRIED
(AS LEIA DID) TO KISS A BROTHER’S LIPS.
Contents
Cover
Title Page
Copyright
Dedication
Dramatis Personae
Prologue
Act I Scene 1
Scene 2
Scene 3
Scene 4
Scene 5
Act II Scene 1
Scene 2
Scene 3
Scene 4
Act III Scene 1
Scene 2
Scene 3
Scene 4
Act IV Scene 1
Scene 2
Scene 3
Act V Scene 1
Scene 2
Scene 3
Scene 4
Afterword
Acknowledgments
About the Authors
DRAMATIS PERSONAE
CHORUS
LUKE SKYWALKER, a Jedi trainee
GHOST OF OBI-WAN KENOBI, a Jedi Knight
YODA, a Jedi Master
PRINCESS LEIA ORGANA, of Alderaan
HAN SOLO, a rebel captain
CHEWBACCA, his Wookiee and first mate
C-3PO, a droid
R2-D2, his companion
LANDO OF CALRISSIAN, a scoundrel
MON MOTHMA, leader of the Rebel Alliance
ACKBAR AND MADINE, rebel leaders
WEDGE ANTILLES, a rebel pilot
NIEN NUNB, a rebel pilot
EMPEROR PALPATINE, ruler of the Empire
DARTH VADER, a Sith Lord
JERJERROD and PIETT, gentlemen of the Empire
JABBA OF THE HUTT, a gangster
BIB FORTUNA, Jabba’s man
SALACIOUS CRUMB, Jabba’s fool
BOBA FETT, a bounty hunter
THE MAX REBO BAND, Jabba’s palace musicians
EV-9D9, a droid in Jabba’s service
RANCOR, a monster in Jabba’s service
THE RANCOR KEEPER, its owner
REBEL PILOTS, TROOPS, EWOKS, GAMORREAN GUARDS, JABBA’S COURTIERS, BOUNTY HUNTERS, IMPERIAL TROOPS, SCOUTS, OFFICERS, COMMANDERS, CONTROLLERS, GUARDS, ROYAL GUARDS, and SOLDIERS
PROLOGUE.
Outer space.
Enter CHORUS
CHORUS
O join us, friends and mortals, on the scene—
Another chapter of our cosmic tale.
Luke Skywalker returns to Tatooine,
To save his friend Han Solo from his jail
Within the grasp of Jabba of the Hutt.
But while Luke doth the timely rescue scheme,
The vile Galactic Empire now hath cut
New plans for a space station with a beam
More awful than the first fear’d Death Star’s blast.
This weapon ultimate shall, when complete,
Mean doom for those within the rebel cast
Who fight to earn the taste of freedom sweet.
In time so long ago begins our play,
In hope-fill’d galaxy far, far away.
SCENE 1.
Inside the second Death Star.
Enter DARTH VADER and MOFF JERJERROD.
VADER
Cease to persuade, my grov’ling Jerjerrod,
Long-winded Moffs have ever sniv’ling wits.
’Tis plain to me thy progress falls behind
And lacks the needed motivation. Thus,
I have arriv’d to set thy schedule right.
JERJERROD
Aye, we are honor’d by your presence, Lord.
To have you here is unexpected joy.
VADER
Thou mayst dispense with ev’ry pleasantry.
Thy fawning words no int’rest hold for me.
So cease thy prating over my arrival
And tell me how thou shalt correct thy faults.
JERJERROD
I tell thee truly, Lord, my men do work
As quickly as each one is capable—
No more is possible for them to do.
VADER
Mayhap I shall find new, creative ways
To motivate them.
JERJERROD
—Lord, I’ll warrant that
The station shall be operational
Within the date and time that have been set.
Upon my honor I may make such claim.
VADER
The Emperor, however, doth not share
Thine optimistic attitude thereon.
JERJERROD
But, Lord, he doth expect th’impossible!
I need more bodies to fulfill this task.
If I had but a hundred able souls
To work alongside those already here,
’Twould be far simpler to complete the work
And make this Death Star ready when ’tis due.
VADER
Thou wilt have opportunity to ask
The Emp’ror for these further workers, for
He shall arrive upon the Death Star soon.
JERJERROD
[ aside:] O news that fills my heart with utter dread!
[ To Darth Vader:] The Emperor himself shall come here?
VADER
—Aye.
Displeasèd is he with thy thorough lack
Of progress on this station incomplete.
JERJERROD
Our efforts shall be doubled instantly!
VADER
I do hope so, Commander, for thy sake—
The Emperor is known for being less
Forgiving than myself. Pray, is that clear?
JERJERROD
It is, Lord Vader, perfectly. Thy words
I hear and shall obey. With gratitude
I praise thee for thine honesty herein.
[Exit Moff Jerjerrod.
VADER
The scene is set for this, the final act.
I shall destroy the rebels, one and all,
And turn young Luke, my son, unto the dark.
It is the role I play, my destiny—
The grand performance for which I am made.
Come, author of the dark side of the Force,
Make me the servant of thy quill and write
The tale wherein my son and I are seal’d
As one. Come, take mine ev’ry doubt from me,
And fashion from my heart of flesh and wires
A perfect actor: callous, cold, and harsh.
Let this, the second Death Star, be the stage,
And all the galaxy be setting to
The greatest moment of my narrative:
The scene in which the Empire’s fight is won
Whilst I decide the Fate of mine own son.
[Exit Darth Vader.
SCENE 2.
The desert planet Tatooine, at Jabba’s Palace.
Enter C-3PO and R2-D2.
C-3PO
Again, R2, we are on Tatooine.
I would not e’er have ventur’d to return
Unto this place most desolate and wild,
Except that Master Luke hath sent us here
Upon an errand. Yet I know not what
Our message is, but only that I should
To Jabba of the Hutt deliver it.
O place most barren—I have miss’d thee not.
R2-D2
Beep, squeak?
C-3PO
—Indeed I am afraid, R2,
And so shouldst thou be, too, for Lando of
Calrissian and brave Chewbacca ne’er
Return’d from here.
R2-D2
—Beep, whistle, squeak.
C-3PO
—Be not
So certain, R2, for if thou didst know
But half of all that I have heard about
This Jabba of the Hutt—his cruelty, how
He tortures innocents, and all the beasts
He keeps to do his will—belike thou wouldst
Short-circuit.
R2-D2
—Hoo.
[They approach the door of Jabba’s palace.
C-3PO
—And now we have arriv’d.
But art thou sure this is the place, R2?
Mayhap ’tis best if I do knock? [ He knocks.] Alas,
There’s none to see us in, so let us go!
Enter GUARD DROID on the other side of door.
DROID
[ aside:] Now here’s a knocking, indeed! If a droid
Were porter of the Force here in this place,
He should have rust for lack of turning key.
I pray, remember the poor porter droid.
[ To C-3PO and R2-D2:] N’getchoo gadda gooda, einja meh.
C-3PO
My goodness! What foul greeting’s this? [ To droid:] R2-D2wah.
DROID
—Haku! Danna mee bicchu.
C-3PO
Bo C-3POwah, ey.
DROID
—Ai waijay uh.
C-3PO
Odd toota mischka Jabba o du Hutt.
DROID
Kuju gwankee? Mypee gaza, ho ho!
C-3PO
Methinks they shall not let us in, what shame!
Still, well may it be said that we have tried,
For never would I give up easily
When sent forth on a task by Master Luke.
Yet we have tried and were refusèd here,
Thus, who could blame us for departing hence?
Let us depart now, aye, together fly!
[The door opens.
O pity, it doth open and release
Mine utmost fears. Now must we venture in.
R2-D2
[ aside:] My friend C-3PO was never for
His courage known. So shall I lead, as e’er
I have been wont to lead, into this place
Although I too feel fear. [ To C-3PO:] Beep, whistle, squeak!
C-3PO
O, R2, wait for me! O dear! We should
Not rush, like fools, unto this scene. O my!
Enter GAMORREAN GUARDS and Bib Fortuna.
BIB
Tay chuda! Nuh die wanna wanga?
C-3PO
—O!
Die wanna waugow. [ Translating:] “We bring unto thy
Dread master Jabba of the Hutt a message.”
BIB
E Jabba wanga?
R2-D2
—Squeak!
C-3PO
—[ translating:] “A gift as well.”
[ To R2-D2:] Wait, R2, pray, what dost thou mean, “a gift”?
Good Master Luke hath spoken not of “gift.”
R2-D2
Beep, whistle, meep.
BIB
—Nee Jab’ no badda; ees
Eye oh toe. Zah kotah amutti mi’.
R2-D2
Beep, meep, nee, whistle, hoo.
C-3PO
—He doth report
That we are not to give the message to
A soul, save Jabba of the Hutt himself.
G. GUARD 1
Grrf, mik.
C-3PO
—Pray, patience; he quite stubborn is
When fac’d with matters such as these.
BIB
—Nudd chaa!
[Bib Fortuna motions for the droids to follow.
C-3PO
R2, I feel a shaking in my core
O’er this dread situation we are in.
Enter Jabba of THE HUTT, BOBA FETT, the MAX REBO BAND,
SALACIOUS CRUMB, LANDO OF CALRISSIAN in disguise, and other members of Jabba’s court.
JABBA
Ahho, nee jann bah naska ahho bah.
BIB
Kada no pase.
C-3PO
—Good morning.
R2-D2
—Beep, meep, squeak!
BIB
Neh bo shuhadda mana.
JABBA
—Ahh, shihu.
C-3PO
I prithee, R2, play the message now.
The sooner we’ll be on our merry way.
JABBA
Bo shuda!
R2-D2
—Beep, meep, whistle.
Enter LUKE SKYWALKER, in beam.
LUKE
—Greetings, O
Exalted Jabba of the Hutt. Allow
Me to make introduction unto thee:
My name is Luke Skywalker, Jedi Knight
And friend to Captain Solo, who e’en now
Is in thy custody. I know that thou
Art powerful, O Jabba, and that thy
Great anger t’ward Han Solo equally
Must pow’rful be. I seek an audience
With thy esteem’d and mighty personage,
To bargain for my friend Han Solo’s life.
With thy vast wisdom we shall, doubtless, find
A goodly compromise that shall, indeed,
Be mutually beneficial, and
Allow both you and I to ’scape a more
Unpleasant confrontation. As a sign
And symbol of my honest will, I do
Present unto thee, as a gift, these droids.
They are hardworking, and shall serve thee well.
C-3PO
Alas, what hath he said?
R2-D2
—Beep, whistle, meep!
C-3PO
Nay, nay! R2, I say, your message errs!
Our master never would betray us so!
CRUMB
O foolish droids, whose master fools them so!
BIB
[ to Jabba:] Na maska bagweni, ees no Jedi.
JABBA
Ha ono wangee goghpah, ool.
C-3PO
—We’re doom’d!
He will not bargain with good Master Luke.
JABBA
Nuh peecha wangee cogh pah, tong nam nee
Took chan kee troi. Ne Solo fah keechwa.
C-3PO
O, R2, look, ’tis Captain Solo, still
A’frozen in the carbonite.
R2-D2
—Beep, hoo!
CRUMB
A little more than dud and less than dead.
JABBA
Na pushka nab, de foghla pah nubin!
Enter EV-9D9 , a droid, as Gamorrean guards lead C-3PO and R2-D2 to him.
C-3PO
O what hath come upon my master Luke?
Did I offend him by some errant word?
Was he disturb’d by something I have said?
Or is this but a human’s changing whim?
Belike I’ll never fully comprehend
These people and their wayward, shifting ways.
One moment with my service is he pleas’d,
The next he sendeth me away in scorn
To serve the gangster Jabba of the Hutt.
Grant me thy mercy, Sir, I beg of thee—
Wh
atever my offense, O master true,
I prithee, do forgive C-3PO!
R2-D2
[ aside:] What scenes of horror lie herein! I see
That droids are tortur’d here, fix’d fast upon
The rack and torn to bits, or burnèd on
The feet as though they were a piece of meat
Upon a spit. O terror to mine eyes—
And yet I know my master hath a plan.
Indeed, within my head I hold the light
That shall illumine our profound escape.
EV-9D9
New acquisitions, excellent. Thou art
A droid of protocol: say, is this so?
C-3PO
I am C-3PO, of human—
EV-9D9
—Aye,
Or nay shall serve.
C-3PO
—O. Aye.
EV-9D9
—Of languages,
How many dost thou speak?
C-3P
—Six million forms
Of speech I may claim knowledge of—
EV-9D9
—’Tis well.
We have not had a court interpreter
Since our great master anger’d was by our
Most recent droid of protocol, and had
Him thoroughly disintegrated.
C-3PO
—O!
Disintegrated? Fate most vile and cruel!
EV-9D9
I prithee, guard, this droid of protocol
May useful be. Take him and fit him with
A strong restraining bolt, and then return
Him unto our great master’s chamber.
G. GUARD 2
—Mrk.