Torn

by A. F. Crowell

  “Give me just a minute,” I said. Leaning forward, I carefully kissed the side of Jaxon’s face and whispered, “I will be back in just a little while, baby. I’m going to get some rest but I won’t be long.

  “I love you, Jaxon. Don’t you dare give up on us. I need you.”

  Chapter Three

  Brody

  As I watched Jaxon’s mother beam at Leila’s protruding stomach, I couldn’t help but feel resentment. I wanted so much for that to be my mother with us, feeling our daughter move around. Part of me wanted to walk out of that hospital and say screw Jaxon and his parents, but I couldn’t. I’d never walk away from Leila again, especially not now. We had come so far and had gotten past so much in the last few weeks. Walking away now would hurt her, and that was something I swore to myself I wouldn’t do again.

  I had been so close to getting back everything I wanted, Leila and my daughter. We’d had a moment the other day, and while I shouldn’t have kissed her, I don’t regret it. I do regret slipping into bed with her after consuming too much scotch. That was a dickhead move on my part.

  But now, everything had changed. One hundred percent of her attention was and would be focused on Jaxon. Yeah, I felt like an asshat for being jealous of a man who clung to life with two bullet holes in his body, but for Christ’s sake, was I wrong to want my family?

  The ride home was eerily quiet. She was in a distant place far from our current situation. The somber look on her face tore me in two. I wanted to comfort her and tell her everything would be okay, but I’d be lying. Everything wouldn’t be okay.

  Realizing we were home, she lifted her chin and took off her seatbelt as I made my way around the car to help her out. She took my hand, letting me pull her up out of the low seat. Ruger greeted us at the garage door, alerting Jane of our arrival. She rose from the living room couch and padded across the cool hardwood.

  “How is he, honey?” Jane asked Leila.

  “Right now he’s still critical. He probably will be for the next day or so. His parents are with him and they promised to call if anything changed,” she said, sounding exhausted.

  “Let’s get you to bed,” I said softly. “It’s almost three in the morning.”

  “Yeah, you two get some sleep. I will take Ruger with me so he doesn’t wake you up too early, ’kay?” Jane offered.

  Looking to Lei before I agreed, she nodded. “That would be wonderful, thank you.”

  “Of course, my boy. Good night, sweetheart. Try to get some sleep.” She wrapped her thin arms around Leila and pulled her in close, whispering something I could not hear. Tears filled Leila’s dark brown eyes.

  “Let’s go to bed. I’ll grab you a bottle of water and meet you up there.”

  “Thanks, Brody.”

  Jane patted my arm as she passed with Ruger trailing her. They slipped out the back door into the night. I went into the kitchen and grabbed Leila’s bottle of water. Exhausted, I headed toward the bedroom.

  Entering the room, I found her curled up around the massive body pillow that I had purchased for her just to spite Jaxon. Even though I couldn’t see her face, I knew she was crying. I could hear the sniffles she tried to hide.

  “Here’s your water.” Placing the water on the bedside table, I sat down behind her. “What can I do for you, babe?”

  “Nothing, I’ll be fine. I just need sleep,” she mumbled, never turning to look at me

  Feeling helpless was a new emotion, one I didn’t care for in the least. Gently, I ran the backside of my hand up and down her spine before leaning back against the headboard. Trying to give her a little comfort, I lay down, curled up behind her, and placed my hand on our daughter squirming around in her mother’s abdomen. “I’ve got you.”

  Leila cried harder for a few minutes until her sobs no longer racked her tiny, swollen body. Once I realized she was sleeping, I slipped out of the bed, took my phone out of my suit jacket, and placed it on the charger near the sitting area. I grabbed a pillow off the bed, lay down on the couch, and pulled the soft gray afghan over me. Sleep wasn’t hard fought on this night.

  Her whispering woke me up about nine a.m. Sitting up, I stretched my neck trying to rid it of the terrible knot I had developed.

  “I’m sorry I woke you, I was trying to be quiet. I just wanted to call the hospital and get an update.” Leila sat cross-legged in the bed.

  “It’s okay. What did they say?”

  “Same.” Her eyes looked so sad. “No change.”

  “What time did you get up?” A yawn muffled my question.

  “Not long ago. You know I can’t sleep too long without having to use the bathroom.” She smiled, hugging her arms around her pregnant stomach.

  “I’m going to shower real quick, then I’ll make us some breakfast. After that, we can drive back over to the hospital. Sound good?” I asked, strolling into the closet.

  “Yeah, sounds good. I’ll do my thing while you’re cooking.”

  Stripping out of the clothes I slept in, I crossed the room to the bathroom in my boxer briefs. Noticing along the way that her eyes watched my every move, I turned the shower on, grabbed a fresh towel, and stepped out of my boxers. When I turned to throw the boxers in the hamper I wanted to see her standing in the doorway, but the doorway was empty.

  Once I was showered and dressed, I went downstairs to find Jane already making waffles. Leila loved waffles. Jane always knew just what to do, and this gesture would mean the world to Leila.

  “Thank you, Jane. I was just coming down to cook some breakfast. Honestly, I’m glad I don’t have to, I’m still exhausted.” I took the cup of coffee she had ready and waiting for me.

  “Didn’t get much sleep, huh?” she asked as she poured more batter into the waffle press.

  “Not really, I slept on the couch in my room. I wanted to give Leila some space.”

  “Have you two sat down and talked yet? She needs to know how you feel and you need to know what she wants.”

  Running a hand through my wet hair, I messed it up further. “I know I do and I was going to tell her last night. I wanted to ask her to move back in here with me and to give us another chance, but before I could, Barb called. You know the rest,” I said as I opened the New York Times.

  “Do I smell waffles?” Hearing Leila’s voice coming down the staircase, I realized I had read the same article for the third time. She padded down the wide hallway into the kitchen and right up to Jane. “Oh you always know exactly how to make me feel just a little bit better, don’t you?”

  Releasing Lei from the tight embrace, Jane said, “I figured y’all would be hungry after missing dinner last night.” Lei’s eyes darted to the dining room. “Don’t worry, dear, I took care of everything.”

  Leila gave Jane a small smile. “Thank you.”

  “Go sit and I’ll bring you a waffle. Your juice is already on the table in the dining room. Brody, why don’t y’all sit in there and enjoy the morning sun.” Jane being not so subtle. “Oh and leave the paper, dear. It’s rude to read at the breakfast table when you have company.”

  “Of course.” I picked up my coffee, and followed the mother of my child as she grinned all the way to the dining room.

  After Jane brought in the waffles, maple syrup, and sausage, she excused herself and took Ruger out for stroll.

  Simultaneously we both began to talk. “Sorry, go ahead.” Lei smiled and took another bite.

  “I know this is probably the worst timing and you are obviously distracted with everything that has happened yesterday, but I need to say this.” I took a deep breath. Here goes nothing. “Lei, I love you. I know I’ve said it before and I know I’ve screwed us up royally. I hope not beyond repair. We have a child on the way and I want to give her the loving family that I had.

  “I want her childhood to be filled with two parents who love each other and make each other happy. Before I messed everything up, we had that. We would have been the picture-perfect family. We still can be. I can’t promi
se I’m not going to screw up again or that we won’t fight, because we will. It’s part of being in a relationship. My dad always said if you aren’t fighting some then you aren’t communicating.”

  She looked up from her plate with misty eyes. “Brody—”

  “Wait, I’m not done. I know you still love me. I felt it the other day when I kissed you, but I also know you care for him. I’m not naïve. I don’t have some bullshit fantasy about you falling into my arms and saying you don’t love him and that you want to be with me. This is a hard decision for you, I get that, but I need you to make that decision, Leila.” I stood up and knelt in front of her. “I want you to choose me. Let me take care of you and our little girl. Let me give you everything you’ve ever dreamed of having.”

  For a minute the dining room was terrifyingly quiet.

  “I’m not gonna lie, yeah, some part of me still loves you and that will probably never change. I know you would give us the world, but I’m in love with Jaxon.” Hanging my head in defeat, I slowly rose and sat back down in my chair. “Wait, don’t do that. Please let me finish, Brody.”

  Staring straight ahead, not making eye contact, I slumped back in the chair. “Go ahead.”

  “I didn’t set out to fall in love with him, it just happened…over time. Seeing him yesterday just made me realize that I can’t live without him. And I am so sorry this hurts you. I never wanted to hurt you, Brody, but I have to be honest with you and myself. I can’t keep living here in our little pretend world as if Jaxon doesn’t exist and that I’m not in love with him. I care about you and I do love you, but the way I love you has changed. You will always be a part of my life. You’re the father of my child.” Tears slipped down her face as she tore my beating heart from my chest.

  This can’t be happening.

  “I wish I could tell you I’m happy for you and that I wish you happiness with him, but I’d be lying. Maybe eventually I can get there, but not right now.” I stood and moved away from the table. “I’m sorry, I just can’t be here right now.” I exited the house through the doorway to the veranda. I had to get away from her. I needed to get away period. Escaping to the barn, I had hoped to miss Jane and go for a ride to clear my mind, but today the universe decided to fuck with me. Opening the tack room door, I practically walked right into her.

  Just. Fucking. Great.

  “Brody, I didn’t expect to see you down here. What are you doing, dear?” She stepped back, allowing my entrance.

  “Yeah well, I didn’t expect to be here either, but here I am. I was going to go for a ride.” I was short and growled, but this way she wouldn’t ask any questions. “But I just remembered I have to take Leila to the hospital. Can you please let her know I’ll be there in just a minute?”

  “Of course, and I’m here whenever you want to talk about it.”

  Nodding, I exited the way I came in and walked into the stables. The smell of the horses mixed with the aroma of hay and sweet feed took me to another place and time. A time when my mother would drag me down here to learn some responsibility. She would tell me that taking care of a horse would teach me some patience and compassion. Apparently, even as a teenager I was demanding and callous. As usual, she was right; being around the horses and the barn calmed me, brought me peace.

  *****

  Leila

  Watching him walk away, hurting and devastated, just about killed me. I could literally feel the pain coming off him in shockwaves. With each step he took, the divide in my chest tore a little more. When the door to the veranda slammed shut, my steel resolve shattered. I sat there staring at the half-eaten plate of waffles, and my cheeks tingled with anguish. Catching sight of the massive diamond engagement ring that sat on my hand didn’t help the remorse.

  The guilt I was swimming in threatened to swallow me whole. Sitting there at the table, I turned to look at the empty chair he’d sat in moments before when he laid his heart at my feet and I kicked dirt on it, picked it up, and handed it back.

  I hated that I hurt him. Even through everything that happened, I never once thought to exact revenge or retaliate against him.

  The door creaked, pulling me from my thoughts. “Brody will be right up to take you to the hospital.”

  Looking over my shoulder at Jane, I said, “Okay, thanks.” Sniffling, I quickly grabbed the cloth napkin and blotted my tearstained cheeks.

  “Oh sweetheart, what’s wrong? What happened?” Jane frowned sympathetically. “Here, give me that. You’ve got mascara everywhere.”

  I handed her the soft white cloth. “I just literally blew his whole freakin’ world to shit, Jane. He told me he loved me and asked me to pick him and what do I do? I tell him I love Jaxon and that I want to be with Jaxon, that I don’t love him the same way anymore.”

  Cradling my head to her chest, Jane tried to comfort me. “Shh, shh, shhhhh. It’s okay honey, it’s all gonna be okay.”

  I pulled back and stood. “No it’s not. You didn’t see him. The way he looked at me when I told him, I broke his heart. It killed me to do it, but I had to be honest with him.”

  “We all have our own paths, Leila. You have to walk yours and be true to yourself. We don’t know what tomorrow holds, we just have to follow the path and have faith in God. When we get to the end of the path and look back, all of the unanswered prayers will make sense. He never said it would be easy, just that it would be worth it.”

  “Thank you, Jane.” I gave her hand a squeeze before I turned to clean up our breakfast plates.

  “Leave it. Brody will be here any second and will want to leave immediately. It’s best not to make him wait right now.”

  “You’ve seen him?”

  She nodded. “Down at the barn.”

  “You’ll keep an eye on him and take care of him when I’m gone, right? I don’t want him to start drinking again and become that person you told me about.”

  “Like he was my own, dear.” She smiled sweetly then started clearing the table.

  “Leila, I’m ready to go,” Brody bellowed from the front foyer.

  “Guess that’s my cue. I’ll see you later today.” Using my index fingers, I wiped any leftover smudges away.

  “Try and have a good day honey.”

  Chapter Four

  Jaxon

  I fought through the thick, dark fog, trying to get to her. I heard her pleading and begging me to open my eyes.

  I tried so hard, willing my eyes to open to see her gorgeous face and those soft auburn curls. She was my world. I’d give up everything to keep her beside me. I’d walk away from everything I knew with no regrets, if it was her I was walking to. I had never thought there’d come a day when I’d want someone more than I wanted my next breath, but she had become my air. Leila and our daughter were my next breath.

  Yep, I’ve become a total pussy. But if that meant I had her, I didn’t give two fucks. She was worth every moment of the ridicule I’d taken from the club over the last several months.

  “Please open your eyes, baby.” Her voice was soft and velvety, but it was slowly fading away. “Jaxon, you have to wake up. I can’t do this without you. You are my whole life. We need you. Please, baby.” She paused. “Drake, why isn’t he awake yet?”

  Then I heard another voice. “Lei, I told you as much as I know. His body has been through a tremendous ordeal. We lost him multiple times. He’s fighting to recover and he’s not out of the woods yet, baby girl.”

  What. The. Fuck.

  Lost him multiple times.

  What the hell was going on here? I thought back, trying to remember what happened, and then it hit me like a freight train. The run had gone to shit. The buyers showed up without the money and the Cartel were pissed. I took two in the chest.

  Oh fuck. I was the “him” they lost.

  I tried to scream I was here, but nothing happened. All of a sudden I heard something beeping like crazy, then voices again.

  “His BP and heart rate are spiking. Sheila, get me one and a half of
Dilaudid and five of Nitropress. Lei, you gotta…”

  Everything slowly got further and further away. I succumbed to the fog yet again.

  Chapter Five

  Leila

  It had been almost two days since Jaxon’s surgery and he was still unconscious. I spent as much time at his bedside as I could, but Brody refused to let me stay overnight. Even though I had destroyed his dream of us being together, he was still taking care of me, insisting I needed to remember our daughter, and that Jaxon would want me to take care of myself. I relented last night, but I wasn’t sure if I could bear to leave Jaxon again. Jane was gracious enough to drop me off this morning since Brody was gone before I woke up. He sent a text not too long ago saying he would pick me up at the same time he did yesterday.

  Brody had been distant and quiet the last two days. I knew I should talk to him, but I just couldn’t—I couldn’t see that look of disappointment and dejection. My stress level was through the roof waiting for Jax to wake up. I didn’t need to add to it. So instead, we rode back to his house in silence, He stayed in the study and avoided me at all costs, and I did everything I could to stay out of his way. It was like walking on eggshells.

  Jaxon’s parents had been at the hospital, constantly by his side. Even though he was in ICU, I pulled some strings so we could stay with him. Ashley and Doug were taking turns staying the night, and since Jax coded yesterday no one had the heart to argue with them.

  Seeing the love his parents felt for him, I couldn’t help but wonder if I would love my child the same way. Awe-inspiring and terrifying at the same time, all I could think was, what if I’m a bad mom? What if I didn’t feel that way? I mean, I knew I loved my baby girl already, but how could I love my child as much as my mom loved me? Was that even possible? I was so mortified by these thoughts, I couldn’t bear to ask anyone if they’d had the same feelings.

  Drew, Barb, and Drake came in a few times a day to check on us. Drew fussed at me, while Barb constantly brought food. I swear I’d gained five pounds in the last forty-eight hours.