My Serenity

by M. Clarke

  “I know I’m not your dad, but I care about you as if you were my own son, and I know you know this.” Dad continued, “But—please be responsible and use a condom. I don’t want any grandchildren before you get married. Young adults can’t take care of babies when they are trying to become adults.”

  “Of course, Phil,” he agreed. Elijah gave me the most horrific look. He looked like he was going to vomit, and I felt the same. Talking about sex with my dad was just so weird.

  “That doesn’t exclude you, Seth,” my dad threw in.

  “Of course,” I said with conviction, and then looked at Elijah. We both wore wide grins. I even pretended to stick my finger down my throat.

  “I saw that, Seth,” Dad chuckled. “You’re both at that sexual stage. You’re going to hear loads from me. You can gag all you want. I’m going to give you the sex talk plenty of times.”

  I swore my dad had eyes in the back of his head.

  CHAPTER 3

  Seth

  Working at the auto shop all day, I didn’t have time to change. I sprayed on some cologne to wash away the sweat and the hard day’s work. My friends texted me many times, telling me not to be late. They knew me so well. I had a tendency to be late to our gatherings. Not having time to shop either¸ I got Lexy a gift card to AMC Theaters since she enjoyed watching movies, but I forgot to get her a birthday card.

  The Italian restaurant, Karina’s, was packed. I didn’t wait for the hostess to greet me. When she looked up from whatever she was doing I said, “I’m here for the party under Elijah Cooper.”

  She pointed to the far end.

  “Thanks.”

  I weaved around tables and people to find them in a private room. They’d already had their drinks served. It looked like everyone was already there, including Lexy. Dressed in a soft-blue summer dress, her dark hair bounced as she swung her head back and forth talking to Alex, then to someone else I didn’t recognize. Not wanting to be that creepy guy, I entered through the glass double doors.

  “Seth,” everyone cheered. As I waved to those around the table, someone threw their body on me from behind.

  “Lexy,” I breathed. I knew she was overdoing her hello to try to cheer me up, like everyone was.

  “Seth. You came. I didn’t know you were coming.” She backed away and slapped my arm. “You didn’t tell me you were coming.”

  “Of course I didn’t. It’s your surprise birthday party, Lexy. Happy birthday. Here. It’s something for you to enjoy.” I handed it to her. “Sorry. I forgot to buy a card.”

  “You didn’t have to get me anything, but thank you.” She took it out of my hands while her warm-brown eyes set on mine, as if I had said something wrong. “I’m not talking about the party. You didn’t tell me you were coming back for the summer.”

  “I hadn’t planned to, but Mom….” I started to say, then stopped. I didn’t need to finish that sentence. I could feel the heavy weight of everyone’s eyes on me. Some of them had been at the funeral, so they knew why I had come down again.

  “Never mind.” Lexy tugged me to my seat. “Sit here.”

  She sat next to me while we exchanged small talk at the table. Elijah and Alex acted normal, but everyone else seemed to be at a lack of words, as if they were afraid to say something to remind me that my dad was gone. That’s it! I wasn’t going to have any of this.

  “So—what are we going to do for fun this summer? Should we take a weekend vacation? We can go camping by the lake,” I suggested.

  The air was still at first until Lexy spoke, “Sure, I can go. Let me know which weekend. Are you going to plan it? ‘Cause you have to make the reservation.”

  “I do?” I was thinking about all the things I had to take care of, like the restaurant and the shop, before I could even take a vacation. Why did I suggest a stupid idea, creating more work for myself?

  Lexy placed her hand on my shoulder. She must have seen the overwhelmed look on my face. “You know what? Never mind. I can take care of it. I don’t have much to do. I’ll make the reservation. Just do me a favor and remind everyone to pay me ahead of time for food since I’ll be organizing that too.”

  “Thanks,” I sighed. “I will.”

  “I’ll be right back,” Lexy said, standing up. “Just in case the waitress comes, Alex knows what I want to order.”

  I nodded. After a couple of minutes, I looked up at the waitress that had walked in. Holy shit! She looked like the girl that had flipped me off. Was it? It couldn’t be. I was sure I was wrong, but the soft wave of her hair and those twinkling gorgeous eyes that screamed “come get me” reminded me so much of that girl. She carried that same sultry look without even making an effort.

  Closing my eyes to focus amidst the distraction of all the talking, I tried to summon the image, but it disappeared when I recalled her flipping me off and then I suddenly got nervous or upset. I didn’t know which. What if she made a big deal out of it? Assuming that was her. Calm down, I told myself. If it was her, she probably wouldn’t remember me anyway.

  When she came to me after making her way around the table taking orders, my heart started hammering. The palms of my hands tingled, and I could feel the warmth on my cheeks.

  “I’ll have seafood linguine,” I murmured without making eye contact, hiding behind the menu.

  “Would that be with salad or soup?” Even her voice sounded seductive. I had to take a moment to settle my heart that was beating out of control. What the hell was wrong with me?

  “Uh, soup. Thanks.” I looked up at her quickly, barely making eye contact as I handed her the menu. Something about her looked familiar. Even if she wasn’t that girl that flipped me off, there was something about her that I couldn’t shake off.

  I jumped when my leg was pushed back, knowing it was Elijah. I narrowed my eyes at him. “Stop playing footsy with me.”

  “What’s going on with you and the waitress?” He gestured with his head toward the door she’d just walked through. He was trying not to make it obvious by keeping his voice down, but I knew Alex had heard it when she turned her body to our conversation. “You know her?”

  I shifted my gaze to Alex. She was showing her pearly teeth, and her sweet smile made me lose my train of thought. “No,” I finally said. “Never seen her in my life.”

  “Uh-huh.” Elijah waggled his brows. “It seemed like she knew you or something. She couldn’t keep her eyes off you.”

  Really? I wanted to say. Excitement coursed through me. Elijah was the one that stood out all the time. Girls noticed him, not me, so I couldn’t help that my ego inflated a little bit.

  “You’re making it up.” I tried not to be shy about it.

  “Who couldn’t keep their eyes off whom?” Lexy butted in, walking back over to the table.

  “Never mind,” I grumbled.

  After a short while the door swung open, another waitress walked in with our meals. That was fast. “Your previous waitress is on her break. I’ll be taking over in her place.” She went around, placing salad or soup in front of us, then left.

  “Here, I think she got our orders mixed up.” I switched with Lexy.

  Our conversation was mostly about movies and who was dating whom. Sometimes I zoned out. I didn’t mean to, but my heart wasn’t there. Maybe I shouldn’t have come . But Lexy was a good friend and I wanted to give her my support.

  Lexy placed her fork down and wiped her mouth with a napkin. “Seth, how long are you staying?”

  “Almost the whole summer. Mom needs me right now. I hope she snaps out of it soon. I don’t like seeing her like this.”

  “She’ll come around,” Elijah assured me. “She just needs time to grieve, and so do you.”

  Maybe he was right.

  It was about eleven when I got home. I had expected Mom to be up and moving about since she had looked like she was back on her feet that morning, but the house was too still—too quiet. As far as I could see, all the lights were off except for one in the family room
. The aroma of something delicious must have meant she had cooked. It smelled like roast beef. This was a good sign.

  “Mom?” She was sitting on the same sofa with the same blanket tucked under her arm. This time she was staring at a picture of our family that was hanging on the wall. I approached closer when she didn’t answer. “Mom?”

  “Is your father home yet? I made his favorite dinner, pot roast with mashed potatoes. I told him I would make it.” Mom didn’t look at me. Her stoic expression told me she was not in reality. I could understand. Reality hurt too much. Sometimes you have to take your mind somewhere else for a while to lessen the pain, but Mom had stepped out a bit too far.

  I looked toward the kitchen and saw the mess. “Mom, did you eat?”

  When she didn’t answer, I cupped her cheeks with my hands, forcing her to look at me and asked her once more, “Mom, did you eat dinner?”

  She nodded. I didn’t know how long I could do this. I didn’t mind being there for her, but she needed to snap out of it before I went back to grad school. Walking away from Mom, I dialed Elijah. “Hey, Seth.”

  “Do you have time to talk?”

  “Sure. What’s going on?”

  Recalling Elijah’s mom taking her own life from depression when Elijah’s younger brother passed away, I knew I needed to take precautions.

  CHAPTER 4

  Seth

  The next morning, I fried up eggs and spread blueberry jam on some toast for Mom and me. I gulped down my food while I watched her eat and pointed to where I had put the leftovers from the meal she had cooked last night.

  “Mom. Please eat something for lunch. I’ll call you to remind you, okay?” I dipped my head to kiss the top of her forehead and met her eyes.

  Alex had told me that I had my mom’s eyes, but now hers looked dull and tired. Not having makeup on and her hair being in disarray made them look even worse. Mom was on the heavy side, but she had lost about ten pounds after Dad passed away. Though I liked that she had lost a little weight, it broke my heart to see her this way. There were no words to make her feel better.

  “Please, don’t cook,” I begged. It had taken me a while to clean up the mess she made last night. Mom gave me a faint smile. It made me happy to see her smile, so I smiled back at her.

  “My Seth. You’re such a good boy. Simon doesn’t care. I’m so lucky you’re my son.”

  Mom embraced me and patted my back the way she used to when I was a child. I released a deep sigh from her touch. Though I was pissed off at my brother for taking off right after the funeral, I stuck up for him, “Simon couldn’t take time off, Mom. He just got a new job in New York. He’ll come to visit you when he gets a chance.”

  Mom released me and showed me her phone. Sara had texted her to let her know she was coming home from UC San Diego.

  “Sara’s coming,” I confirmed.

  Mom gave me a wider smile.

  “That’s great.” I read the text again. “She’ll be here by tonight, around six.”

  “Can you bring some leftovers from the restaurant? Sara might be hungry.”

  “Sure.” I grabbed my keys from the dining table and shoved them in my jeans pocket. I gave Mom a kiss on the forehead again and was just about to take off when she stopped me.

  She tugged me down the hall, passing the photos of our family trips that were hung in chronological order. “I need to give you something.”

  “Right now?” I followed her up the stairs since she was persistent. She led me to her closet door.

  The smell of his musty cologne filtered through the air. Seeing Dad’s clothes neatly hanging there caused a sharp sting to run through me. He had one black suit, and the rest were polos or T-shirts he’d worn to work. I broke my gaze when Mom made grunting noises as she shuffled boxes on the floor. When I bent down to help her, she pushed my hand away.

  “Here it is.” She pulled out a black satchel. “Help me up.”

  Mom held on to me as I pulled her up to stand.

  “I want to give you a piece of Dad. He would’ve wanted you to have this.” Mom opened the bag, pulled out a gray chain, and placed it around my neck. It dropped to the middle of my chest. She lay her hand on the rectangular metal tag for a brief second, then brushed her finger against the words. “Philip Allen Stewart. This was your grandfather’s. He was a brave man. He fought in the Vietnam War. This meant a lot to your dad. He would’ve wanted you to have this.”

  I held both of Mom’s hands in mine when her eyes started to glisten. She blinked to stop her tears, but her lips continued to tremble, keeping her from saying more. I inhaled deeply, trying to contain myself as well.

  “Don’t worry, Mom. I’ll take good care of it. Thank you.”

  Mom patted me gently on my arm. “Okay.” She brought her hand to her eyes to wipe the pearl drop before it fell. “I’ll try to go to work tomorrow, so you can take a break.”

  I was fine not taking a break, but since I thought it would be a good idea for her to get out of the house, I didn’t argue. She needed to be around her friends, and so did I, but I knew it would only help if we were ready.

  “I’m going to bring dinner for you and Sara, then I’ll be meeting Elijah at the gym.” I kissed her forehead and was off to work.

  Seeing a white Honda parked in the front driveway and lights on all over the house, I knew Sara had come home. With a huge grin on my face, I entered.

  “Sara?” I called. I was elated when I had found out she was coming, but knowing she was physically there, I was bursting with elation.

  “Seth!” Sara greeted me by the door with a tight hug. She smelled like lavender as she practically threw her body on me. Wearing short shorts and a tank top, she looked attractive, but slightly slutty. Being the protective older brother, I wanted to scold her about her attire, but under the circumstances I decided to keep my mouth shut.

  “It’s so good to see you.” Her eyes went to the dog tag hanging from the chain around my neck.

  “It’s Dad’s.” I didn’t want to tell her Mom had given it to me. She wouldn’t have minded, but every topic felt so sensitive these days; I didn’t want to say any more than I had to.

  “Oh.” Her lips curled up halfway, attempting a smile. With her leaning closer to me, we slowly walked toward the kitchen. “It’s so weird to be home without Dad. I don’t think we’ll ever get used to this.” Her voice changed into a whimper, the way she sounded when she was sad. The way she would speak to me when she wanted my sympathy. It was strange how girls could do that—sound like a little girl and make it sound cute. Guys couldn’t do that. It sounded so wrong.

  “I know.” I sighed.

  Sara’s head touched my shoulder when I wrapped my arm around her to give her comfort, to let her know I knew what she meant and that I felt the same way. From her body touching mine, I felt the intake of a long breath from her.

  “How’s Mom doing?” She changed the subject. “She’s seems fine, but how is she really?”

  “I know you’re both talking about me,” Mom said aloud, causing us to snicker.

  “No, we’re not,” Sara retorted. “I was just asking about Seth’s girlfriend.”

  I flashed my eyes at her in surprise and gave a huge stare. Like always, Sara gave the same look back, but with an “I got ya back” look.

  “Seth has a girlfriend?” Mom looked utterly in shock. She stopped washing the dishes. “When? How did this happen? Who is she?”

  I placed the white plastic containers on the table. “Sara is making things up, as usual. I don’t have a girlfriend.” I set the forks next to the containers, looked at Sara, and grumbled, “Here. Eat your dinner before I poison it.”

  “Thanks, big bro. I love you too.” She gave me a kiss on the cheek and sat.

  Looking at her, I smeared the kiss away on purpose. Then we laughed. After Mom sat down, I joined them just for their company, although I had already eaten.

  “How’s school?” I eased back against the chair.

&nb
sp; Sara swallowed and shifted her gaze to me. “Not bad. I’m so glad I’ll graduate next year.”

  “What did you major in again?”

  “Psychology. I thought I wanted to go that route, but now I think I want to be a teacher. Claremont Graduate School has a program where you can get your teaching credentials and a master’s degree all at the same time. I’m going to apply there.”

  “That’s wonderful,” Mom said, taking a bite of her chicken. I began to wonder if she was going to eat at all when I saw her just picking at it.

  “I can see you as a teacher,” I added.

  “How long are you staying?” Mom asked hesitantly.

  Sara twirled her fork into the noodles. “I’m planning to stay almost the whole summer and help out at the restaurant, if you need me.”

  Mom smiled immensely. “Of course you can stay, and we can use the extra help.” She seemed to be in a better mood.

  “Well. I’ll leave you two alone. I’m meeting Elijah at the gym.”

  Sara’s eyes lit up. She’d had a crush on Elijah for as long as I could remember. I guessed it never went away, even knowing he had a girlfriend.

  “Tell Elijah I said hi,” Sara cooed, looking at me with dreamy eyes as she tossed her long brunette hair back. I was sure it was the result of thinking about Elijah.

  I rolled my eyes and then took off my dog tag and left it on the counter. I didn’t want to wear it at the gym. Grabbing my bag, I tossed it over my shoulder. “I will.”