My Serenity

by M. Clarke

  “You two are so darn cute,” she said. After picking up her keys, she placed them on the table and came around to where we were sitting. “You want to ask Josie out?”

  “Josie? You know too?” I sighed.

  Elijah finally got up to greet Alex, kissing her on the lips. They were the cutest couple I’d ever known. You could feel the love between them from just a look alone.

  “It’s so obvious, Seth,” Alex said. “And also, Lexy told me you ran into a waitress because you were staring at Josie too long. I heard you created your own wet T-shirt contest for her.” Alex giggled.

  “Seth?” Elijah’s word dragged, sounding surprised. “I think I need lessons from you.”

  I shook my head. “Lexy told you? I swear that’s how rumors get started. It was an accident,” I grumbled. Standing up, I checked my phone. I had forgotten to turn it back on after work. Feeling it vibrate while I was with Elijah, I had ignored it.

  “Well, you know Lexy.” Alex shrugged and dropped onto the sofa.

  Elijah started rubbing her shoulder. “Long day, babe?”

  “Not really. It’s just from standing too long. Don’t forget my legs and feet,” Alex moaned. “I’ll do yours after mine.”

  “I’m fine. One thing great about internships, they let you out on time. You’re paid by the hour and they don’t want to pay you overtime. Don’t worry about me.” Elijah’s hand moved to her temples.

  “I always worry about you, Elijah. That’s my duty as your girlfriend.” She smiled with her eyes closed.

  Yup, cutest couple ever. Needing to get home, especially after reading the text from Sara, I headed for the door. “Thanks for the tips, Elijah. I should get going. Bye, Alex.”

  “You don’t want to stay for dinner?” Alex asked with her eyes still closed. She looked like she was falling asleep.

  “No. Not today. I need to get home. Sara texted me.” Before I could open the door, Alex asked another question, “Is everything okay?”

  Having my back to them, I didn’t know Alex and Elijah were standing next to me. Too busy reading the message again, my eyes focused on my phone.

  “Everything is fine,” I lied. “See you Friday.” After receiving a hug from Alex, I left in a hurry.

  CHAPTER 10

  Seth

  “Sara?” I called, charging into the house in a panic.

  “Seth.” I heard her voice from the living room. “I’m here.”

  I rushed in, feeling my heart on overdrive, recalling the text I got from her:

  Come home.

  Why?

  Just come, she’d replied. Hard to explain.

  You’re making me worry. What’s going on? I typed quickly.

  It’s Mom!

  I didn’t understand the sudden anger that rushed through me. Perhaps it was selfish of me, but I wanted one night to escape the grief, one night away from my responsibilities, one night to myself.

  Mom was sitting in her favorite chair with the same blanket, sound asleep, I think. And Sara was kneeling with her hands around Mom’s. “What’s so urgent?” I said softly. My anger had subsided when Sara peered up at me, looking like she had been crying.

  Sara wiped the last evidence of tears away and stood up. “Mom was scaring the crap out of me. She kept rambling about how Dad was late and why he wasn’t home. I told her Dad wasn’t coming home. I made it worse by telling her the truth. She cried like the day we buried Dad.”

  “She’s done this before,” I told her. “I let her get it out of her system and then put her in her bed.”

  “Why didn’t you tell me?” She sounded angered. “I thought she was losing it. Do we need to get some help for her? Is she in denial? Is it depression?” Sara’s chest rose and fell as she spat out her thoughts.

  I didn’t blame her for her concern. It was something to be alarmed about, especially if seeing it for the first time. Perhaps I was just getting used to it, or maybe the depth of Mom’s grief carried enough weight for the whole family that there wasn’t enough room to add to it. It helped push away my pain.

  “She’ll be fine. It will be like it never happened in the morning.” I sounded nonchalant.

  Sara didn’t like my response. A wrinkle appeared on the bridge of her nose as she narrowed her eyes at me. “How many times has this happened?”

  “Three, I think.”

  “Three? You think?” She huffed. “I think Mom should see a psychologist.”

  Anger flashed through me. She’d only been home a couple of days and she thought she knew it all. I probably shouldn’t have said what I said next, but it was too late to take it back. Before I could stop myself I spat, “Just because you’re studying psychology doesn’t make you the expert. Everyone deals with grief differently. You should know that by now. I think it’s best to let time help her through this. What she needs right now is for us to be there for her, even if it doesn’t make sense, even if it seems like what she’s doing is crazy.”

  I didn’t know where that anger came from, but my lack of better choices of words lately had manifested today, big time. “Sorry, I didn’t mean—” I raked my fingers through my hair and bit the inside of my mouth. “I’ll take her up to bed. She’ll be fine in the morning. Nighttime seems to be the worst for her. I think it’s the thought of sleeping alone.”

  “It’s okay,” Sara said. I was surprised she didn’t snap back at me. “I’ll help you.”

  Slinging Mom’s arms over our shoulders, we helped her up the stairs and then tucked her into bed. Sara slipped under the blanket with Mom. “I’ll sleep here tonight. I don’t like sleeping alone either.”

  “You’re a good daughter,” I praised her. “If I have a daughter, I would want her to be just like you.”

  Sara let out a snort. “Spit it out. What do you want, Seth? I’m already watching over Mom while you go camping this weekend.”

  I walked to the other side of the bed and sat. “It’s a compliment, Sara. It doesn’t happen often, so enjoy it.” I ruffled her hair.

  Sara folded her arms behind her head for support. “You know you’ve always been my favorite brother, right? You’ve always looked after me, taken care of me, and made sure I was emotionally fine.”

  “Well, that’s what big brothers are for. For the record, Simon loves you too. He’s six years older than you. The age gap was a huge difference growing up. And since we’re on this topic, make sure to wear longer shorts. Your shorts are too short. You can wear them around the house, but not out of the house, understand?”

  Sara scowled. “I’m not that little girl you can boss around anymore, Seth.”

  I let out a fake chuckle. “What happened to the ‘you’re my favorite brother, Seth?’” I said, mimicking her tone mockingly yet playfully.

  Sara shoved me off the bed. “Go to bed, Seth, before I start acting like a bratty little sister.”

  I raised my hands to surrender with a grin, slowly backing away to the door. “Goodnight, and don’t let any monsters under the bed scare you.”

  “Seth!” She attempted to shout, but had to whisper since Mom was sleeping. “You’re an ass. You know how scared I get. Just don’t get mad at me if I jump in bed with you. Don’t close the door and don’t turn off the hallway lights.”

  Sara was terrified of the dark and scary movies and stories. One evening, while Mom and Dad went on a date night, Simon was looking after us. After Simon, Sara, and I watched The Ring, Sara was never the same. I clearly remembered that night.

  “Sara!” My heart flew out of my chest. “Jesus, Sara. Make some noise or call my name or something instead of staring at me like that. With your white PJs and your long hair like that, you look like the dead girl in the movie.”

  Sara screamed, jumped on my bed, and hid under the covers. “Oh my God! Don’t say that.”

  “Sara, what the hell are you doing? Get off my bed. It’s freakin’ two in the morning.”

  “Please, Seth.” Her green eyes stared at me, pleading. “I’m so scared.
I can’t get the girl out of my mind. Can I please sleep here with you? I won’t hog up the bed. I can’t sleep.”

  “Fine,” I sighed. Sara being twelve, I didn’t think it would affect her that much. But what did I know about girls anyway? “Just don’t hog up the blanket, and keep to your side of the bed.” I didn’t mean to sound grumpy, but I was overly exhausted.

  “Okay, but can you do me a huge favor and I’ll owe you one?”

  “What is it?” I grumbled.

  “I need to use the bathroom.”

  “Then go,” I stammered.

  “You have to come with me. I can’t pee. I’m too scared.” Sara got off the bed and stood next to my side of the bed.

  “Are you serious? You can’t even use the bathroom? Turn on the lights.”

  “Seth, please.” She tugged my arm. “Simon won’t do it, but I know you will. You’re the best brother in the world. I’ll take over your dishwashing chores, or any of your chores. I have to pee really, really bad.”

  I hated washing the dishes more than anything. It was a deal that I couldn’t pass up. “Okay, I’m getting up. Don’t pull out my arm.”

  I took Sara to the bathroom and turned my back to her. After she had flushed and washed her hands, we went back to my bed.

  Just as I was about to fall asleep, Sara said. “I love you, Seth. You’re the best brother anyone could have.”

  I pretended to be asleep, but I felt like a dick for being so moody. I blamed it on being tired; however, I could have been a little more understanding to her needs. Regardless, I guarded her while she took a piss, and I let her sleep next to me, so I wasn’t going to feel guilty. But still, as much as I hated washing the dishes, I wasn’t going to let her do my chores. She was my little sister after all, and I needed to take care of—and I wouldn’t feel guilty.

  I started down the hall then turned. “Oh, how was your day with Mom?”

  “We had a great time. She was fine, but then—”

  “Don’t worry. She needs time.”

  “Okay.” She paused. “Hey, Seth. Seriously, thanks for being the best. And you know what I mean.”

  I didn’t say anything, because I did what any brother should do—watch after their siblings, older or younger. It was what Dad had instilled in us. His brothers were that way, and he wanted us to be the same.

  After I got into bed, I looked at my messages. I had one from Elijah: Everything okay? The text was from thirty minutes ago.

  Yes. Don’t worry, I texted back, thinking he would read it in the morning, but a text returned: Alex and I went to dinner. We saw Josie with a guy. Don’t know if they are just friends. Have you talked to her yet?

  I grimaced as I typed: No.

  What are you waiting for?

  Kicking myself I answered: The right time, I guess.

  There is never a right time. Text her NOW! Or that guy is going to snatch her.

  Okay! What are you doing?

  In bed with Alex. Now I’m going to say goodnight. Alex is giving me the eye.

  Yup, I shouldn’t have asked. I touched my screen to go back to the text box and just as I was about to text Josie, her message appeared: Hi, Seth. It was good to see you. It’s been so long since sixth grade. I would love to take you out to eat and chat. We need to catch up.

  I let out a chuckle. How ironic. Those were the exact words I’d practiced in my mind after Elijah and I had our discussion. Those were the words I had planned to repeat when we went camping. Damn! I missed my chance. Like Elijah said, there was never a “perfect time.” You just had to go for it.

  That sounds like a plan, I started to type, then deleted it. I would love that, I started to type, then deleted again. What the hell was wrong with me? It wasn’t like I was writing an essay. That would be great. Let’s talk about it when we go camping. I pressed send before I could change my mind.

  I closed my eyes and traveled back to sixth grade, and the very first day Josie had taken my breath away and stole my heart. Sitting in the front row, I listened as Mrs. Underwood talked and wrote out math problems on the whiteboard. My attention shifted to Mrs. Hale, the school secretary, and a girl. Mrs. Hale showed us a lot of her teeth while the girl looked shy. With a backpack over her shoulder and a slip of paper in her hand, she focused on the floor. Mrs. Underwood greeted them and introduced Josefina Anders to us.

  With not a hair out of place, Josefina had two long braids resting over her shoulders. A navy sweater was draped about her shoulders and she was wearing a navy skirt and white shirt. On her way to her seat, she gave me a cold stare, but it quickly turned into a warm smile. Her beautiful smile made me blush, and I swore I saw stars floating above her. Or maybe it was the impact from the smack on my arm I got from Kim.

  “Hey, you like her or something?” she snickered.

  I rubbed my sore arm. “No. Don’t hit me again,” I snarled through my teeth, trying not to catch Mrs. Underwood’s attention.

  She leaned into me. I wished she didn’t sit across from me. “You were checking her out, weren’t you?”

  “So, what if I was? You’re just jealous because no one looks at you like that.” I had no idea what I was saying. The words flew out of my mouth. I didn’t mean to be mean like that, and I had also just confessed to Kim that I was checking Josefina out. How could I not? The whole class was, even the girls, most likely checking out their competition. One thing I had learned about girls, they were very competitive. Well, girls in sixth grade—watch out for Josie.

  My body had a mind of its own. Without my consent, I looked over my shoulder, and our eyes met. Though she gave me a smile, there was sadness in her eyes that I couldn’t understand. Thinking I had no reason to think those thoughts, I brushed it off. After all, I didn’t even know her…but I wanted to.

  I couldn’t begin to understand this attraction toward her. Did I even understand this emotion in sixth grade? Yes, she was attractive, but there was something else. It felt like we were two puzzle pieces searching for one another…to fit…to make us whole. And yet, a part of me told me to stay away from her. I had no idea where this was coming from, but my heart took over anyway. Josefina had become my first crush. Though I knew she would be my first heartache too, I didn’t care. It was moments like these that made me feel alive, like I existed.

  I didn’t want to look away from her, but I had no choice. Mrs. Underwood was standing right in front of me with her hands on her hips, making a strange noise that sounded like a frog croaking. I swore she had eyes in the back of her head too.

  “Seth. Would you like to focus back to math?” she asked with a scolding tone.

  I wanted to say no, but I thought better. The sounds of the other kids snickering and giggling brought a different type of attention. I could count on my friends to save me even though they had no idea what they had done. At least Mrs. Underwood didn’t get mad at Josefina. And that was all that mattered.

  CHAPTER 11

  Seth

  It had been a long while since we’d gone camping, and I couldn’t wait. I wanted to get away from reality. It would also bring happy as well as sad memories of Dad. Dad used to take us camping, but Mom never came with us. Later, we invited Elijah. Then we brought Lexy and few of my fraternity brothers along. Dad was cool like that.

  Many campgrounds didn’t have a restroom or showers, but Dad made sure wherever he took us, there was one. It was one of the reasons why we came to this site. The restroom was a short walking distance away, and though we couldn’t take a hot shower, the water was warm enough.

  Josie, Jonathan, Cameron, and Lexy got out of the car. Cameron was new to our group. Actually, he was Jonathan’s younger brother. He would hang out with us when he came home for the summer. It was hard to tell the brothers apart from the back. They were both built, had the same short chestnut-brown hair, and were the same height.

  My stomach tingled at the sight of Josie. I wished I could make this feeling go away. Not that it was a bad thing, but it was just inconvenient
. It made me stupid.

  “Hi, Seth,” the group greeted me.

  “Hey.” I waved, helping Jonathan and Cameron take bags and tents out of the trunk. “How was the drive?”

  Josie cupped her face. “Dizzy. It took us two hours, and I hate the winding road. But everyone else was fine.”

  I caressed her arm, and then dropped it when she smiled at me. “The important thing is that you made it. You’re going to love it here. Have you been camping before?” After grabbing a couple of pieces of tent equipment, I slammed the trunk shut.

  Josie looked down. “No. My parents never did anything fun like that.” There was sadness in her tone. There was a break in the conversation when Lexy locked her car door.

  “Thanks, Seth. Lead the way,” Lexy said.

  We followed a path that spiraled down to the campground near the lake. The water glistened from afar, sparkling like diamonds, but it wasn’t as bright as it had been earlier. The sun was going down for the day, taking all the beauty with it, including the surrounding violet and pink clouds. Looking at the view of the lake, the green of the trees, and the mountains behind them gave me a serene feeling I hadn’t felt since Dad passed away.

  “Wow. It’s breathtaking,” Josie exclaimed. “You’re right, Seth. I’m going to love it here.”

  “Me too,” I said, gazing at her smile.

  After everyone had greeted each other, we pitched the tents around the fire pit. Jonathan and Cameron went back to Lexy’s car to bring the ice chests filled with food. Lexy was good at organizing our meals. We had each given her our share of the food cost earlier.

  There were other campers besides us, but we kept to ourselves. Looking out in the distance, I could see that a few had already started fires and were cooking dinner on the grills that were provided by the campground. The grills were nailed to the ground. Who would take home a cheap grill? But I could understand. Some people were not honest.