My Serenity

by M. Clarke

  “Welcome home, Seth.” Jimmy greeted me with a pat on my back when I opened the door. Being that it was late Monday afternoon, I was surprised he was home. I had texted him to let him know I was on my way, just in case he had a girl over. I figured he would be out to dinner. “How’s everyone?”

  I dropped my suitcase and headed to the fridge. “Good. Everyone is fine.” Then I remembered something. “I think Elijah and Alex are planning to come visit next week. I can’t remember.” I grabbed a bottle of water, and then jerked back when Jimmy’s face was in mine.

  “Dang, Jimmy. You missed me that much?”

  Jimmy chuckled, taking a step back. “You were talking inside the fridge. I couldn’t hear you.”

  I slammed the door and gulped down half of the bottle. Before I could repeat myself Jimmy spoke, “I’m supposed to check up on you. Everything okay?”

  “Check up on me?” I mumbled, and plopped myself on the sofa with the bottle of water in my hand. Our apartment reminded me of the way Elijah’s place used to look—so plain and simple—white walls, simple brown sofas, and a table. There were no pictures on the wall or photo frames set around for visitors to admire. Then again, our visitors were Jimmy’s flavors of the week. “What did Elijah tell you?”

  Jimmy sat across from me. His blue eyes studied me. “Nothing much. How’s your mom? How’s your family doing?”

  I leaned back into the sofa comfortably and kicked my legs up onto the table. “Much better, thank you. Mom went to see Simon. Sara is back in school. And…I’m here now. How’s your internship going?” A bit of jealousy coursed through me. Jimmy had been nice enough to get me an internship at one of the top business banking firms—Dunn, Smith, and Fletcher—and I had to turn it down. Not that I would have taken it when I found out my dad had passed away, or that I blamed the situation, but the timing sucked.

  Jimmy must have seen the frown on my face. “Hey,” he drawled. “You know that internship you had to turn down?”

  “Yeah?”

  Jimmy teased me with a crooked grin, running his hand through his thick blond hair, purposely taking his time to answer me. If Barbie had a brother, he was it. Perfect in every way, and he knew it. No wonder girls gravitated toward him. He could use some of Alex’s humility though.

  “Spit it out.” I sounded anxious.

  “They moved me up to level two, so they need to fill my spot. I told them you would be the perfect candidate. Since you’ve already been interviewed, and they had offered it to you before, they said it’s yours, but you have to let me know soon—like in a couple of days.”

  I didn’t know what to say. My friends were good to me. “Are you serious?”

  I leaned forward with my legs spread apart, took another sip, and placed the water bottle on the table.

  “I am,” Jimmy said proudly, like he was so happy to do this for me.

  Knowing this was my chance, my second opportunity, I nodded my head. “Yes. I’ll take it.” I was so excited I thought my body would explode. “You’re amazing, Jimmy. I don’t know what to say. I could totally hug you right now.”

  “Yeah, let’s not and pretend we did.” He chuckled. “I’ll let my boss know. You’ll probably get a phone call tomorrow afternoon or the next day.”

  “Thanks.” I was so grateful, I didn’t know what else to say. Thanks didn’t seem enough.

  “Oh, by the way, you’ll get the same salary, but you’ll almost double it once you move up to my level, which I know you’ll get to do soon.”

  “Thanks,” I said again. “Let me take you out to dinner to celebrate.”

  “You don’t have to, Seth. But we do need to eat.” Jimmy stood up, and then suddenly stopped, looking serious. “So, what’s going on with you and Josie?”

  How the hell did he know about Josie? Elijah! I swear, I loved my friends, but we knew too much about each other’s lives. But I had to admit, sometimes I liked that we did. They were my support when I needed it, even when I thought I didn’t need it.

  After I told Jimmy everything, we headed out to dinner.

  Sara texted me, letting me know she had arrived safely, and Mom had as well. Since I had two weeks until school began, and I was told now that I could start at the firm two weeks from Monday, I researched the company as much as I could. Jimmy also filled me in with names, positions, and who to stay away from. He also told me that there were hot secretaries, but I couldn’t sleep with them. I had to laugh at that. That was the last thing on my mind—maybe not Jimmy’s mind though. But I also knew that he knew where to draw the line. I also worked out a lot at the gym, trying to occupy my mind—more like trying not to think of Josie and the letter. It had been a week since I’d spoken to her last, but it felt like almost forever.

  Jimmy went out with some friends he’d introduced me to earlier. Though he invited me, I passed on the invitation and told him that I would go next time. I just needed some time to myself. I was having one of those moments when my heart felt too heavy, and I knew I would be unfriendly and unsociable. And not knowing his new group of friends that well, I didn’t want to leave a bad impression.

  I wasn’t the type to have many lovers or go out with girls just to have fun. If I thought there could be more, then I would make my move, but there hadn’t been that many girls in my life. I’d had a few relationships, but they never became serious. Sometimes I wondered if there was something wrong with me. But deep inside, I knew it was because she wasn’t the one. Maybe Josie had been in the back of my mind all these years, preventing me from falling in love with others. Who the fuck knows?

  Sleep didn’t come easily for me; actually, I hadn’t slept well since the day my dad passed away. When Josie entered my life it was different. She was my remedy for my restless nights. Now, my sleep deprivation was due to Josie. How ironic! I tossed in bed, thinking about her. Her smile, her laugh, her flirty ways haunted me no matter how hard I tried to push those thoughts away. At times I found myself thinking of our past, and at times I found myself thinking about the good times we had in the present, but I couldn’t forget what she did—a huge slap to my face. She left an ugly scar on my heart I would never forget.

  What’s another scar? The letter would probably piss me off more—but that letter might help me get some closure so I could stop thinking about her and move on. I jumped out of bed, sat at my desk, and pulled the letter out of the drawer. Let’s get this over with, I told myself. With my index finger sliding through the side, I tore it open.

  CHAPTER 31

  Seth

  Dearest Seth,

  I don’t know where to begin, because there’s so much I need to tell you. All I ask is that you finish this letter. You see, my parents splitting up was the big reason why I left in the sixth grade and never came back. My parents were like fire and ice. They fought all the time, and I was the main reason. I was too embarrassed to tell you that my mom would beat me when she got in her mood. Sometimes she would try to beat my dad too. There was no evidence of her beating me except on my ass, and no one would look there. Though my grades weren’t the best, they weren’t bad enough to alarm the teachers. So there were no red flags to bring attention to my parents or me. My dad wasn’t a strong man. He was an alcoholic that didn’t give a fuck about me. Mom, thinking she could do better, left him and moved in with her lover. That was the last day I saw you.

  Every child’s security is their home with their parents, but my security was you. The day you told me you liked me was the day I started to heal. My mom could have beaten me a hundred times, but I wouldn’t have cared, as long as I got to see you. You gave me so much joy, hope, and love that it overpowered all the bad things in my life. Sure, we were only in the sixth grade, but you showed me what love is—patience, understanding, and forgiveness. Those were the things I learned from you, those were the things I held dearly, and those were the things that kept me going. It gave me strength, hope, and determination to live. It showed me that I didn’t have to be a victim. Instead, I could be
a survivor. With this in mind, I made it through the nightmares.

  But sometimes, old memories were not enough, and I fell for a guy, thinking he was more like you, but he ended being the opposite of you. I’m talking about Brad, who you saw me kissing. But the truth is, whether you believe me or not, I did it to save you. Two guys were waiting for you in the restroom with knives in their hands. Brad threatened to rip you apart if I didn’t hurt you, make you leave me. I was afraid for you, and afraid for me. You might be thinking that I’m making this up, but it doesn’t matter now. I just needed you to hear my side of the story.

  I’m leaving because if I stay, it would be too hard to look at you. It would kill me to see you look at me like you don’t know me or you hate me. Another reason is my mom. I need to get help for her before she takes her own life. She finally agreed to see a doctor after all these years, and found out she has manic depression and bipolar disorder—two huge mental illnesses that turned her into a monster I had to endure my whole life. Now she is at a safe house and wants to recover. In the safe house, they will help her get a job, make sure she has the right medication, but most importantly, they will help her integrate into society. And the last reason is Brad. I can’t bare the thought of him hurting you. He hurt a guy I dated after I broke up with him. I thought he would be over me by now, but I think he’s just as crazy as my mom. For some strange reason, I attract evil things, and I can’t seem to run away from them.

  So now you know my shameful past. Now you know why I couldn’t share it with you. Seth, you have a perfect family and friends, while I have the complete opposite of you. Our worlds would have crashed and burned. I would have brought tons of misery to your life, and you don’t deserve that. You don’t deserve someone like me, lost and broken. You deserve the princess: the one that will nurture and foster your future with you. With me, you would have nothing.

  Maybe this is the road I’m supposed to be on, no matter how badly I want to be on the other road with you. But sometimes fate is cruel and teases you with what you wish you had. When you stepped into my world, it was the second happiest moment of my life—the first was being your girlfriend. My wish came true, to see you once more. I imagined what it would have been like to see you grown-up. But never in my wildest dreams would I have thought that I would have fallen head over heals in love with you. Yes, Seth, you swept me away with your sincerity, with your sweetness, and every sexy thing about you. You took my breath away, you stole my heart, and I will never recover from hurting you, hurting us. The one chance I wanted, but the one chance I know I shouldn’t have attempted. But you made me crazy, crazy with thoughts of you, crazy because I wouldn’t be able to have you. No matter how hard I tried to stay away from you, I couldn’t. I didn’t have the strength. Though you are my strength, you are also my weakness.

  I think I’ve said all that I wanted to say. Mostly, I’ve told you everything. All secrets are out. I have bared my soul to you in ways I never have to anyone. Frankly, I was too embarrassed. I hope one day you will forgive me. You have probably already moved on. I wish you so much that I can’t have…the happiness you deserve, the person you deserve, and the great life you deserve. By the time you get this letter, I will be out of your life, and I will be only a faint memory. But to me, you will always be my home, my security—my serenity.

  Love,

  Josie Rosie

  CHAPTER 32

  Seth

  I’d been telling myself that I didn’t know Josie at all. This letter just proved my point. I knew nothing of her past—of her. The only thing I knew was how I felt for her in the sixth grade. After reading the letter, all I could think was what the fuck!? Right now, all I could do was ache for her, feel her pain—all that she had endured—like no person should have experienced.

  I was a freakin’ asshole. All these years and I never knew. But how could I have known? She never shared anything with me, but at the same time, I could understand why. No child should have to go through what she had gone through. Yet, while most would have lost it, she seemed strong and in control.

  As I was processing the info about her parents, about Brad, and about us, thousands of emotions ran wildly through my mind. My feelings changed from numb to panic, suddenly realizing that I had no clue as to where she was. I needed to tell Josie that I was sorry. Had I been a better friend, maybe I could have tuned in to her clues, to her pain, and I could have helped her. More so now, I needed to tell her that I still cared for her. She had to know. But how the fuck did I find her? She had no siblings. Her parents? But I had no idea where her mom lived, and it seemed like her dad was out of her life.

  I paced my room. It always helped me to think. Think, think, think…. How—who?

  Lexy? Lexy! LEXY!

  Josie

  After I visited my mom at the halfway house, I got in the car. My mom had a place for now and she was doing well. After a month, if she were ready, they would start giving her lessons on job interview skills. We’d even had a decent conversation, and she sounded grateful. Our relationship would never mend completely, but it was salvageable.

  As for me, I had no home, no friends, no job, and no Seth. I told myself that I wouldn’t be sad, that I wouldn’t feel sorry for myself, but—Oh God! I missed him. I missed my hero. I missed my Seth. I didn’t care if I was homeless or if I didn’t have a penny on me. All I wanted was a chance with Seth.

  Tears poured down my face, and I let the hurt take me, rip me, and break me. My heart hurt so badly that I could feel it splitting and tearing inside me. Who was I kidding? Did I think I could just forget about Seth? Did I think I was going to be okay? He took me and swallowed me whole, and I willingly gave him my heart because he was everything to me. And I would have given him everything in return if he could accept my past—accept me, all of me.

  I didn’t know how long I’d been crying, but I lifted my head from the steering wheel when a loud knock sounded on the glass. One of Brad’s deadbeats was looking at me, I think. My eyes were so blurry and burning with tears that I wasn’t sure.

  “What do you want?” I asked angrily, almost shouting.

  He looked irate. “Brad wants you at his house. I’m supposed to tell you that.”

  “You’ve been following me?” I huffed in annoyance.

  “It’ll be better than sleeping in the car,” he snapped, and then his face softened as if he felt sorry for me.

  Oh fuck! I was beyond humiliated. Any ounce of dignity I had was gone. I’d rather sleep on the street than stay at Brad’s. Staying at a hotel was an option, but how long would that last me? I needed to save my money for food. Who knew how long it would take me to find a job. I peered up at the guy and said, “Tell him I said to go fuck himself.”

  He sighed with annoyance, but his tone was threatening. “If you don’t come with me, he told me to tell you that he’ll break every bone in your boyfriend’s body.”

  I stopped breathing for a second. Brad kept his word, especially when it came to hurting people. “Fine.” I glared at him.

  After an hour’s drive, I walked back into a shack I used to like, and then later hated. And I couldn’t believe I had come full circle.

  “I told you, you would be crawling back to me if you left.” That was my greeting from Brad who then tried to embrace me.

  I shoved him out of the way. “I’m only here because one of your deadbeats found me. Don’t fucking touch me, or I swear I’ll kill you.”

  Brad pulled back his hand in surrender. “Whoa, babe. You know I’m not that type of man. I’m patient. You’ll come around. We’ve got the rest of our lives.” His happy laugh made me want to throw up, and I wanted to take the cigarette out of his mouth and burn him with it.

  I dropped my suitcase in the corner of the living room and sat on the floor next to it. Taking out my phone, I got ready to text Lexy but stopped. I was sure she got the letter and she understood, I told myself.

  “What are you doing?” Brad interrupted my thoughts.

  �
��What does it look like?” My tone coldly sliced through the room.

  “This isn’t my room. Go to my room,” he demanded.

  “Either you let me stay where I am or I’m leaving. I only came because I have no place to go. You took everything from me, so don’t tell me what to do.” I glared at him so hard, my eyeballs twitched from all the crying. Curling into a ball, I supported my head against the wall. Tired of all that had happened and from crying, my eyes felt extremely heavy.

  For the next couple of days, I didn’t get out of my corner except to take care of the necessities. I refused to eat, and I refused to sleep anywhere else other than my safety zone. It was funny how I was right back, curled up like I did when Mom used to beat me. This time it was because of Brad.

  Before I could start looking for a job, I needed to heal my heart somewhat. It was going to take me a while to move on and try to forget about Seth. Who was I kidding? I could never forget him; I just needed to feel somewhat alive before I went back out into the world of the living. The fact that he never called me indicated that either he didn’t read the letter or he didn’t care.

  “Are you going to sit in the corner all day?” Brad sneered at me. “You look pathetic.”

  “Go play with your deadbeats,” I mumbled wearily.

  “I’m going to work. Don’t do anything stupid.”

  I had no idea what he did or where he was going, but I didn’t care. As much as I hated him right now and I wished he were dead, he had at least given me a bottle of water and some takeout I never touched. I didn’t even look at it, and I wasn’t trying to starve myself, but how could I think of food when it felt like my whole world had been taken from me—when I felt dead?