by Lily Freeman
“Your hour’s up, Babe, let’s talk.”
They moved to the platform, arranged pillows then settled Vader and their treats in the center.
“So?”
“So what?”
“Don’t you start with me, PJ. If this is going to be like extracting teeth, I’ll be brutal. Now tell me what the hell he’s done.”
What had he done? Where to begin?
“He—” Grabbing her glass, PJ took a huge mouthful, her throat burning as the strength of the drink hit her. “Fuck, that’s lethal.”
Indy grinned. “I thought you might need some loosening up and apparently I was right. What’s he done? Spit it out.”
“I don’t know if I can do this, India, with him.”
With one hand Indy nudged the chocolate closer, with the other she squeezed PJ’s knee. “Has he hurt you?”
“He’s a sadist, Indy. The term hurt is an ever-changing currency with him. Every time I think I understand what he wants from me, he shifts the line out of my reach.
“I thought he wanted normal, or was that just a load of shit to lure you in? It fucking was, wasn’t it?”
PJ honestly didn’t think so. He was so focused on pleasing her when they were together, like there was nothing else in the world that mattered. It couldn’t be an act, no one was that cruel.
“No. I don’t think so. He wants this, possibly too much. He’s really trying. I can see it in everything he does.”
“Then dare I ask what the problem is with Mr Perfect?”
“I don’t think he knows how to stop doing what he’s always done, even though he wants to.”
Indy knocked back a very generous mouthful of vodka then finished it off with a piece of chocolate. “What did he do, bring out a whip?”
“Clamps.”
“Ouch, sounds nasty.”
“It was, but it was what he did after they were on, and the delight he took in doing it that scared the fuck out of me. Everything I’d heard about him sounded horrific, and you have your own images of what it must look like, but if you had seen his face, Indy, when he was knowingly inflicting pain, it was a real wakeup call because he was so calm and content. I honestly didn’t recognise him at all.
“Did you tell him how you felt?”
It was PJ’s turn to scull her vodka, but the burn did nothing to stop the hurt. “Kind of, between the tears and incoherent mumbling. He knows he fucked up and he’s desperate to make it right—look.” PJ held up her phone. There were six unread texts and several missed calls, all from Luke. “I just can’t see how.”
“Alright, let’s make this really simple. Do you have feelings for him?”
PJ nodded.
“Like serious ones?”
“Yeah, like big heart breaking ones. I could quite easily fall in love with him if I didn’t know about his ‘dark side’.”
“You don’t think he can give it up?”
Did she? “No, I don’t. Last week he was so different before I brought him home. But it’s not just the pain thing that I’m concerned about. He wants to know everything about my day; who I’ve seen, what we’ve talked about, particularly if I’ve seen Mika or Elliot. I think …” she knew, “that he’s going to be very possessive and I don’t know if I want that in a partner.”
“You know, I can almost sympathize with him about Mika, that man was all over you. Is he always that touchy?”
PJ mentally trawled back through every moment she’d spent with him, and couldn’t think of one time when he hadn’t touched her in some way.
“It’s just him. He’s always been … friendly.”
“Friendly, huh?” Indy was quiet for a long time before she spoke again. “I can’t believe I’m actually going to say this, but I think you’re judging Luke based on your past relationships where those qualities are just fucking annoying, but the Dom/sub thing is different, Babe. It’s about control. He has it because you willingly hand it over, except you haven’t yet, have you? He wants to know everything about you because he sees you as his. If Master Trey looked at me the way Luke looked at you, or wanted to know that much about my life, I’d be in heaven.”
“Trey. I thought you and Master James were getting cosy?”
Indy turned bright red, clearly embarrassed as she glanced up at PJ. “We have been and he’s sweet and fun, cute as a button, but I don’t want cute. I want to be swept off my feet by a man who only has to look in my direction to set me quivering. I want the real thing, not just a kinky play date.”
For the first time since she and Indy had checked out the bondage book together in the pub that night, PJ understood exactly where her friend was coming from. What Indy was describing, the elusive connection she so desperately wanted, was what PJ felt for Luke. What if he was it, the one man who was meant to be PJ’s? And if she gave up too soon, she might never experience anything like him again.
“Talk to him, PJ, make him understand what your hard limits are. If he can’t live with them then you have your answer.”
Her phone beeped again with a text from Luke, and this time PJ read it. “He wants to have dinner tomorrow night, to talk.”
“So talk, hear what he has to say. You know I don’t like the man, but even I can’t deny that there’s something incredibly sexy about the way he looks at you.”
“Well, maybe you should turn around more often and see who’s looking at you.”
Although PJ had only seen Master Trey twice at the club, both times he’d been as fixated on India as Luke was on her.
“Yeah, whatever.” With a very generous hand, Indy refilled their drinks. “So nipple clamps huh, how fucking hot was that?”
PJ had to smile as a disturbingly erotic image flashed through her mind. “They had diamonds on them.”
“Ah, that man’s all class.”
“Yes, he is.” But he was so much more than that, if only PJ could summon the strength to find out.
Chapter 24
Scrolling down, Luke clicked on the next website, The World News. The first story splashed across the page was Leon Kaiser’s accusations, followed by an article detailing the worldwide recall of millions of vehicles. It was the same story as the previous twenty websites and numerous newspapers he’d already read today. Their case had been officially cracked wide open for the entire world to see. He had a media conference in less than two hours and a web conference two hours after that, but neither engagement seemed important when his whole life felt like it was hanging in the balance.
Finally late last night, PJ had called him back and they’d talked, not for long, but she’d at least agreed to have dinner with him. Afterwards while he lay awake staring at the ceiling, he’d tried to get his emotions back under control. More than anything he needed a clear head because he wasn’t going to lose her, no matter what it cost him.
He’d contemplated lying to her, continuing the farce he now accepted he was living, and he almost believed the lie himself at times, but beneath all the bullshit, Luke knew that people like him didn’t change. They might mellow when a situation called for it, but the drive to give pain and receive pleasure from it couldn’t be denied, not anymore. Luke had been a fool, shutting himself off emotionally for so many years that now he was like a man obsessed; and he was, with her. After that little revelation, he’d gotten desperate, frantically trying to think of a way to satisfy his needs without hurting her. He’d even browsed a few anonymous websites, searching out seedy clubs where no names were ever used, but then he’d remembered the devastating betrayal in PJ’s eyes when she’d told him about her ex-fiancé. Luke may be capable of a lot of questionable things, but he was not a liar and he definitely wasn’t a cheat. She owned him; his heart and his soul, all he wanted was hers in return.
That left him only one option: he had to tell her the truth, admit that he was wrong. But it wasn’t quite that simple. Luke knew PJ was scared and he’d made it worse by moving too fast with her. Now she was questioning her trust in him, as well as the futur
e of their relationship when what he really needed her to question was herself. He’d made her fly so many times over the last few weeks by coaxing her to the edge of agony and masking it in the finest veil of pleasure, yet she still refused to acknowledge that she was a masochist. But the time for denying it was over. He needed something from her that she was more than capable of giving him.
Finally accepting defeat, Luke shut his computer down. He was no good to anyone like this so he headed for the shower, hoping it would calm him before he left to meet PJ. He was tempted to call her, just to gauge her reaction, but he’d be seeing her soon enough; then he’d know once and for all how badly he’d fucked up the best thing to ever come into his life.
By seven-twenty, PJ was a nervous wreck. She’d already had two vodkas, which hadn’t helped her churning stomach or her lingering hangover. She and Indy had talked into the wee hours of the morning about everything before they’d both gone quiet, drifting away to dream about the men that neither of them seemed able to have.
Luke had called several times during the day and each time PJ had sensed his mounting anxiety. They both knew they were at a crossroads, unable to go forward, incapable of going back. She wanted him more than she’d ever wanted any man, but at what price? Their conversation tonight would either unite them or end their relationship, because they couldn’t stay where they were, trapped in a fairyland where a little spanking and a light flogging was enough to satisfy a hard-core sadist. He may not want her blood, but he definitely wanted her flesh. Could she give it to him? Would she hate him if she did?
PJ’s heart ached so fucking much at the thought of losing him, but if he demanded too much, she would have to walk away.
Her phone beeped; Luke was outside. After slipping her coat on, she carefully picked up Vader, kissing his unruly little head.
When she walked into their apartment, Elliot was watching her with an expression she couldn’t quite read. With two steps, he closed the distance between them before he gently pried Vader out of her arms, putting him on the floor.
“You don’t have to do this. You can just tell him it’s over.”
When she’d come to see Mika and Elliot this morning, to ask if they’d look after Vader, she’d expected a lecture from Mika and a scowl from Elliot, but that wasn’t what happened. For once Elliot had listened, only voicing his opinion when she told him that she needed to at least hear Luke out. He’d attempted to say more, but Mika, gorgeous Mika, had stepped up to defend her, whispering something beautiful in Italian before he’d hugged her.
Now as she looked up at Elliot, she got the distinct impression that he was about to do the same thing.
“I mean it, PJ. No one is worth selling your soul for. Remember that when he’s trying to convince you that you want this.”
Elliot’s embrace was all consuming as he wrapped her in his arms. She didn’t know what to do; there was just so much of him. “I will, Elliot, and thank you for caring.”
“Despite what you think, I do care.”
As she smiled, her phone beeped again. She couldn’t put it off any longer.
Luke was waiting outside leaning against the wall. He came to her without a word, pulling her into his arms where he held her for such a long time.
“God. You have no idea how much I needed to hold you.”
His kiss was sweet, his tongue teasing her lips apart before he dipped inside, but he wasn’t playful; he took control instantly, kissing the living daylights out of her. By the time he helped her into the car, her head was spinning and her knickers were damp. Several of her well-rehearsed arguments had flown right out the window.
While they drove through the city, he told her about his case. She’d actually read about it today when she’d gone to visit Rene. All this time when he’d casually brushed off his work commitments, putting her needs ahead of his, he’d been dealing with something so massive, the entire western world was watching. Yet he’d put her first which had actually left her speechless. No one in her life had ever made her feel like she was important, but from the very first moment when Luke had captured her wrists and his eyes had found hers, he’d done nothing else. Could she do that for him, make his needs a priority over hers? Was it safe to? Until they talked, she really didn’t know.
Luke found a park, kissing her once before he jumped out to get her door. Already he seemed more relaxed, smiling as he escorted her along the footpath.
Loud raucous music greeted them when they entered the restaurant, Greek this time. People were dancing, whirling their way around the large tables that lined the main dining room, but again it was a dimly lit alcove they were led to. Once seated, the music drifted into the background. Luke shifted his chair, blocking her in like he always did.
“Are you hungry?”
“I am.” Whether she could keep any food down was another question.
He ordered for both of them, as his knowledge of all things Mediterranean was extensive. Their meals were delicious, although yet again, she found herself without cutlery.
By the time their desserts arrived, the tension between them was unbearable. When Luke picked up the solitary spoon, dipping it in the rich orange sauce that was drizzled over a piece of white chocolate cheesecake, he held her gaze. Her time was up.
“We need to talk, I can’t stand this anymore.”
With a weak smile, PJ opened her mouth as he brought the spoon towards her. “Me neither.”
“What happened the other night, I wish I could tell you it won’t happen again, but I can’t.”
The hope PJ had felt, tiny though it was, disintegrated as Luke’s words sunk in. “You lied to me?”
“No. I would never lie to you. I honestly thought I could move on and be happy, and perhaps I could have if I hadn’t met you in the club. But I’ve seen you come alive, I’ve made it happen and I can’t forget what you looked like, how you felt.”
Neither could she and that was the problem. There was an undeniable pleasure in the way he’d punished her, but he’d crossed a line the other night and she was struggling to forgive him for that as it was. Now he was insinuating that he wanted to do it again, and then what?
“You said you didn’t want that, you led me to believe that I was enough. Why would you do that and …” fuck, “and now tell me this?”
The spoon hit the table with a loud thud, then he was right there in front of her.
“PJ, Darling. I’m in love with you. Christ, I have been since the first moment I set eyes on you.”
“What?” Oh God, did she just hear that, those words in that order?
“I love you. I want you and I’d do almost anything to have you, but I won’t lie to either of us, because this,” he kissed her, holding her so tight while his tongue plundered her mouth, “is everything to me. I need you to understand so we can move forward together.”
PJ was still reeling, but Luke wasn’t; all of a sudden he was very, very serious.
“I never lied to you. I wanted to start again with someone who wasn’t broken or tired like me, someone like you. I wanted to know what it felt like to be cared for, and to care about someone else.”
He was breaking her heart, tearing it out piece by piece as he laid himself bare for her.
“I do care about you, far more that you realise but—”
He was so close, his words whispered over her lips. “Then please say you’ll try for me. Give me hope that we can find a way through this together. I want you in my life, tonight, tomorrow, ten years from now. I just love—”
She kissed him, stopping the words that had the power to destroy her all over again. “Don’t say it, not yet.”
“Why not yet? It’s how I feel. I know you’re not ready to say it back, and I understand, but if there’s a chance that you might come to feel the same way then please, please tell me.”
The room was spinning, too hot, too loud, yet all of that faded into the background as she looked up at Luke. “What do you want from me? Don’t sugar coat it
, Luke. I need to know.”
Oh, there was a chance; Luke could see the longing he felt reflected in PJ’s eyes. But would it still be there after what he was about to tell her? “I want all of you. I want your body and I want your heart.”
She smiled at that, raising a brow before she answered him. “No more pretty words, Mr Monroe. What does that mean in terms of whips and chains?”
It was knee jerk reaction, the way his hand clenched tightly around hers. “They will be a regular part of our life together, but I promise, if you trust me to guide you, you’ll come to crave the experience as much as I do.”
PJ was quiet for a long, long time, holding his gaze, searching for something.
“What if you’re wrong? What if I hate it, what then?”
His mind was swirling with a thousand different scenarios, but none of them held the answer. “I’m not wrong and we both know it.”
When he picked up the spoon, covering it once again, she allowed him to feed her.
“I need some time.”
Luke tried to hide his smile. “Time away from me or just time?”
“Just time.”
His little ray of hope got a whole lot bigger with that answer. “Come with me to Leeds, meet my family and we’ll have Christmas together. No clubs, no ropes, no whips, just you and I.”
She reached for him then, gently bringing his hand to her lips.
“I can’t. Vader’s only just getting settled and I don’t want to risk that.”
Luke knew the little dog meant everything to her, soon he would too, and that was enough for him, at least for now.
“I’ll miss you.”
Her kiss was the sweetest thing, citrus and heat. “I’ll miss you too.”
“Come on then. If I can’t convince you to run away with me, I can at least give you something to remember while I’m away.” Her slightly perturbed look was adorable.
