In This Life

by Terri Herman-Poncé

  Then again, maybe he pulled away because he knew David was there.

  “I don’t remember,” I breathed. “I really, really don’t.”

  David wanted none of my explanation. “How convenient.”

  “I’m sorry, and I’m trying to figure this out as much as you are. I just need your patience.”

  “You need patience now, too? Along with needing my open mind and, oh, needing me to ignore that your hand was inside another man’s pants? Because that’s a really good one. And what do I get in return, Lottie? A thank you and a kiss in gratitude?”

  “Of course not!” I looked out the window, frustrated and exasperated. “I didn’t intend for that to happen with Galen. It’s just that these memories — ”

  “These memories. Yeah, I know. It’s all about the memories.”

  I glared back at him. “What do I have to say or do to get this through your head? You think that on a whim I decided to sleep with someone just because I wanted to? You think I’m using Galen as an excuse to do it?”

  “I don’t know. Are you?”

  “How could you possibly even think such a thing?”

  “You tell me. You’re the one who refuses to get married.”

  David stared me down and that’s when I realized what had been bothering him all along. “This isn’t about Galen at all. Or me,” I said. “This is about you.”

  “No, Lottie, it isn’t,” David said over a defeated sigh. “And that’s the point I can’t seem to get through to you. It’s about us. Our relationship, married or not, has always been about us. And today you let someone else in.”

  His disillusionment, so clear and so painful, wrenched my heart. I wanted to say so many things to make this right again, to take away his disappointment and mistrust, to say how sorry I was and to make him believe it.

  But I didn’t.

  Because we both knew there was nothing left to say that would change his mind.

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  If we didn’t have to make the trip to the Applewood Mall, I would have told David to turn around and go home. We pulled into the shopping center’s parking lot and found a spot off to the right, where we sat watching people flitting into and out of the small stores.

  “Do you see him?” David asked.

  His tone sounded chilled and emotionless and I hated it. I shaded my eyes with a hand and scanned the strip mall, which was canopied by tall birch trees in full bloom, and found Logan in front of the phone store wearing high tops, jeans, a white beater, and a red ball cap, pulled down to his eyes. He shifted on his feet, cell phone in hand, spying people as they passed by. He appeared anxious and tentative, like he might have been worried that he’d be seen.

  “There,” I said, pointing him out.

  We slid out of the SUV and walked over. Logan froze when he discovered I wasn’t alone, sized up David and ran.

  David ran after him.

  They disappeared around the corner of the strip mall and I stood, sweating in the blistering heat. David had speed and power and I knew Logan wouldn’t get far, but I wondered what would happen once he was caught. David would either drag him back to me or force answers out of him right then and there. Neither situation would be handled gently. And, for a brief moment, I regretted making the trip with David until I realized that a strong male hand was exactly what Logan needed.

  A vague memory hung on the fringes. One of another time and another place. It was night, with a sky as dark as ink and a moon nearly as bright as the sun. People had encircled me and were pointing at me. I was being mocked. Many were demanding my death.

  Bakari stepped forward from the shadows, a hand poised at the jeweled sword that hung from his military kilt. The moon reflected off its edge as he walked, the flickers of light cutting into the gloom that filled the royal court. For the first time since I knew him, his eyes did not appear bright green but instead looked a mournful gray. I had disappointed him and hurt him, and there was nothing I could say to undo the damage. I remembered appealing to Bakari for him to reconsider, but he had his orders. And he was going to obey them.

  He drew up the heavy sword and one single tear rolled down his cheek.

  Then the sword arced down, toward me.

  I stumbled, losing the memory and my balance, and clutched my hand to my pounding heart. I didn’t understand Bakari’s rage and I didn’t understand why the memory surfaced now. But I knew something was wrong.

  A limousine pulled up to Giovanni’s at the end of the strip mall, drawing my attention away from the lingering memory. Seconds later, a couple emerged from the restaurant and walked toward it. A breeze swept over the woman’s long blonde hair and through her yellow, silk peasant dress, and I watched them say goodbye. There was a familiarity in their gestures and an intimacy that suggested something much deeper than friendship.

  A wispy summer breeze passed through, carrying with it another memory.

  I was looking for my tutor, Haji, because he had tasked me with a difficult translation that, he believed, would take me days to complete. I finished it in little more than one and was determined to show him that even though my head was often filled with thoughts of Bakari, I was perfectly capable of focusing on my lessons as well.

  With the scrolls carefully tucked under my arm, I wound my way past pools of water lilies and lotus in the center of the royal courtyard, through a doorway and into a spacious hall just inside, with floor tiles the color of green grass that led to the room where I was tutored. The door to the room was not completely closed so I pushed it open just enough to see if Haji was inside.

  He was sitting on his reed mat on the floor. Kesi was sitting on my reed mat next to him, her leg touching his. They spoke in hushed whispers and I wondered what they were doing. And why they were alone.

  Then Kesi looked at Haji in a way that Haji’s wife looked at him, too.

  I did not know how long I stayed there, staring at the two of them, and just when I realized that I did not belong, Kesi glanced toward the door where I stood.

  The memory shut down and I was back at Giovanni’s. The man watched the limo pull away, and I used his preoccupation to quietly move in beside him.

  “How long have you been seeing Mrs. Reynolds?” I asked Paul.

  Paul spun around, shocked, and pasted on a smile as soon as he saw me. “I’m not seeing her. This is therapy.”

  “At a restaurant?”

  He said nothing at first, not bothering to keep up with the lie, but not bothering to admit the truth either. “I know what you’re thinking,” he finally said. “And you’re jumping to conclusions over what you think you saw.”

  “The least you could have done was to tell me about your relationship with her, especially when you knew what I’ve been going through with Logan and his mother and that she intended to go into counseling with me.”

  “I didn’t tell you because there was nothing to tell.”

  “Please don’t lie to me. We’ve known each other far too long for that.” I swiped the sweat off my forehead and the back of my neck and considered buying an iced cold drink to cool off.

  Paul cocked his head. “Are you okay?”

  “I’m angry,” I said, lifting my hair and wiping the back of my neck again. “You lied to me, Paul, and you’re still lying to me.”

  “It’s not that hot out. Why are you sweating like that?” He reached out and I pulled away.

  “I want to know what’s going on between you and Mrs. Reynolds. Why are you even bothering to hide it?” I knotted up my hair, dug a tissue out of my bag and wiped down my skin. “You think I can’t see what’s going on?”

  “There’s nothing going on.”

  “I saw you with Kesi, in the chamber where you tutored me. I saw you both together. Then, and now.”

  “What are you talking about? Lottie, you’re not making any sense.”

  “What’s going on here?”

  David moved in between us and I fanned myself with the tissue. Sweat poured d
own my back, and my cheeks and chest flushed with perspiration.

  “Lottie’s feeling sick again,” Paul said. “She’s having another episode.”

  “It’s too hot outside,” I told David. “And the heat’s getting the better of me.”

  “We’re in the middle of a cold front, Lottie. It’s only sixty-five degrees today.” David pressed the back of his hand to my forehead. “You’re not feverish, but you’re sweating like crazy.”

  “She’s acting confused,” Paul added. “She doesn’t seem to be operating in reality and is seeing things — ”

  “I know what I saw!” I argued.

  “I think we should consider admitting her for observation,” Paul said to David. “I thought maybe a week’s rest from work might be good for her, but it’s clear that there’s something deeper at work here, and it needs immediate attention.”

  “No.” I stepped away from them both. “I don’t need a psych ward and I don’t need a hospital. I’m fine.”

  David’s gaze seized mine, sparking other images to life, all desperate and furious and brutal. I doubled over and clenched my stomach, fighting pain that tore through it. Darkness folded in, pulling me up and under until I knew death stood at my side. Something pressed down on my chest and with every ragged breath I drew in, the pressure deepened until I couldn’t breathe anymore. Voices whispered in disapproval. Spectators closed in. Someone held me close and cried.

  I saw the sword again, and pain lanced through my stomach.

  I raced to a nearby bush and threw up.

  David pulled my hair from my face and pressed a gentle hand to my back, waiting for me to finish. When I was done, he said, “I’m taking you to the hospital.”

  I yanked from his hold and held out my hands, cuing him to keep his distance. “No. No hospital.”

  “Lottie, you’re sick.”

  I shook my head and started walking backward. “I’m not. You just don’t understand what’s happening because you can’t see what I see.”

  David didn’t argue and I didn’t question why. Instead, I turned and kept going, unsteady at first but finding renewed strength with each step I took. By the time I reached the SUV, my body felt fresh and rejuvenated and as if nothing had happened. I drew in a long, satisfied breath while savoring a refreshing, cool breeze. The oppressive heat was finally gone.

  A few moments later, David stepped into view. “You should know that I’m this close to throwing you over my shoulder and dragging you to the hospital anyway.”

  “The hospital can’t help me,” I said, turning to him. “There’s only one person who can.”

  David’s jaw clenched because he knew exactly whom I meant.

  “You can either drive me to Galen’s,” I said, “or I’ll find a way on my own.”

  It was a demand that bordered on threat but I had no choice. I held my breath, waiting on his answer.

  “Do you even realize what you’re asking of me?” David asked, and the confusion and disbelief on his face ripped my heart in two. I’d never asked so much from the man I loved, knowing it could possibly destroy what we’d worked so hard to build between us.

  “I need this, David.”

  His green eyes morphed into a murky, saddened gray. “More than you need me?”

  “That’s not what this is about.”

  “Isn’t it?”

  I shook my head. “No. Of course it isn’t. Right now, I’m only asking for your trust and to believe in me. And in us.”

  David’s anguished eyes searched mine, desperate for answers hidden deep inside me. Answers I knew I didn’t have.

  “Please understand me, David. Please.”

  I so wanted him to believe me, to finally realize that our love and our support would be enough to see this through. That we only needed time and patience, if he was willing to give it.

  He paused, and for a few moments, I thought that realization had finally come.

  “I can’t do this,” he said. “I can’t be a part of this anymore.”

  He handed me his keys, turned, and walked away.

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  I stood on the doorstep of Galen’s brand new condo with a case of cold feet.

  After David left, I took his SUV to Amrose to find Galen’s address in my files, and it wasn’t until I set foot on his property that I realized I didn’t even know if he was home. I’d reacted defensively and without a plan and, if I was honest, knew that I made a terrible mistake with David as well.

  Before I could turn and run or second-guess myself any further, Galen opened the door.

  “I had a feeling you would come,” he said. His eyes scanned the perimeter behind me. Out of suspicion, I realized.

  “David’s not here,” I said. “I’m alone.”

  Making the admission made me feel vulnerable and exposed, and I said a silent prayer that I didn’t make an error in judgment. Despite my memories, I’d known Galen all of several days and yet here I stood, placing myself at his mercy.

  “I do not think meeting alone is a good idea,” Galen said. “Bellotti made his intentions very clear about us earlier today.”

  I flushed with guilt and embarrassment at the reminder. “David knows I’m here, and I’m very sorry about what happened. I didn’t fully realize what I was doing. It’s just that,” I paused, trying to grasp the riot of emotion and thought inside me. “It’s just that you seem to be a very big part of me that I’m only starting to figure out now.”

  He pursed his lips in thought, and I remembered those lips curving over a cup of wine filled with blue lotus petals. He had brought the cup to his mouth and his eyes met mine as he sipped, and in his gaze, I saw an unspoken promise of what was to come.

  It was the same look in Galen’s eyes now.

  I drew in a breath and released it with the last bit of courage and dignity I had left. “I’m scared, Galen. I’m no longer sure who I am, and I’m scared of what will happen to me if I don’t learn from you. I have no one else to go to.”

  He considered me a few seconds more. “We are dangerous together. You realize that, don’t you?”

  The suggestiveness in his voice wrapped itself around me like the finest linen, and I drew in another focused breath to fight it. “I know that. I also realize that we both risk something of great importance if we are not careful.”

  Galen nodded. “We were not capable of restraint back then, and I’m not convinced we are capable even now.”

  “I have no other choice. These memories are taking over and in a way that isn’t healthy, and I’m running out of options.”

  At first, Galen didn’t seem convinced, then he stepped aside and motioned for me to come inside. Pretending courage I didn’t feel, I followed him through a small foyer and into an open floor plan that included a den, dining room, and kitchen, and what I supposed were two bedrooms off to the side. I was surprised by the considerable size of the layout and even more so by the décor. Professionally designed in jewel tones and heavy, masculine woods, the rooms carried an air of elegance that suggested tasteful money. It wasn’t until I gave the space closer inspection that I saw Galen’s personal touches and understood why they were there. Framed Egyptian artwork. Replicas of faience pottery. Mirrors beveled with coral and lapis and ebony.

  A vase filled with fresh blue lotus flowers.

  I held back a gasp. “I received a bouquet like that just the other day.”

  “They are a favorite of mine,” he said, glancing my way. “Though you probably already know why.”

  I nodded, and understanding came in a rush. “You sent those flowers to me,” I said.

  Galen nodded.

  “Why?”

  An odd look passed over his face, a mix of hopefulness and regret. “Once I saw you at the bar and realized who you were, I was intrigued and wanted to meet you. Then you collapsed so I followed the ambulance to the hospital to find out what happened.” His expression dimmed. “Had I known at the time that you were married to Bellotti, I wo
uldn’t have sent them. It was a mistake.”

  “We’re not married,” I confessed. “And considering how much you already know about me, I’m surprised you didn’t know that.”

  A sentimental look passed over his face. “I know who you were, but not who you are now.”

  “When you were Kemnebi and I was Shemei, you mean.”

  “Yes.”

  My gaze traced the outline of his face, the line of his nose, the curve of his mouth. The mouth that, thousands of years ago, had kissed me and seduced me and encouraged me into doing things that should have been left undone. Despite my engagement to Bakari, I had wanted him, and I found the excuse to have him.

  Though I couldn’t be sure, I had a feeling that the decision had cost me everything. And the words I’d whispered to him so very long ago I whispered again now.

  “I do not want to want you.”

  Galen’s eyes lit with quiet victory and I turned away, moving closer to the sofa and hoping the distance between us would settle my nerves and cool the attraction. “These memories come at me in waves and when I least expect them.” I toyed with a pillow on the burgundy sofa and looked at him again. “Is that what happened to you?”

  “No. My regression was much more difficult than yours seems to be. Bellotti triggered it when I met him for the first time about a year ago. It wasn’t a pleasant experience.”

  “Why?”

  He shrugged.

  “My memories are clustering now, and they’re starting to bleed into my present to the point that others think I’m losing touch with reality. It’s like I can see and experience both lives at the same time and the harder I try to make everything fit, the less I understand. Did that happen to you, too?”

  “Yes and no. You cannot force the memories to come, Shemei. You can only encourage them. That was my most difficult lesson to learn.”

  “A lesson from a regression therapist?” I asked.

  “A regression therapist,” he said with a wry smile, “cannot help your regression in the same way an actual person from your past can.”