Because You're Mine

by Rea Frey

  “It is. I just can’t believe they offered it.” Lee let her mind wander to how utterly amazing it would feel to walk into work every morning, knowing she had made it to the salon of her choice.

  “I want to get back into it,” Shirley said. She peered in on Harry in the bassinet beside her. “Would you help me with my portfolio?”

  Lee was flattered. She’d been waiting for Shirley to take an interest in hair again. But building a portfolio was a lot of work. She’d recommend someone. “I actually know a few people who’d be perfect to train with. I’ll text you their info.”

  “Thanks.”

  Harry’s future started to solidify in her mind: his mother getting her act together. Harold getting sober. They’d both have someone to live for.

  When it was time to check out, Lee gathered all of Harry’s onesies, bottles, diapers, and wipes and figured out how to buckle him into the car, his impossibly tiny limbs folded into the fabric and straps of the bucket seat.

  Shirley twisted around from the passenger seat. “Is he too small for the seat, do you think?”

  Lee assessed. “I don’t think so. The staff checked that everything was secure.” She fussed over the baby’s straps and climbed into the driver’s seat.

  “Okay, do we have everything?”

  “I hope so.”

  She pulled out of the hospital lot and looped onto the highway. “Have you thought any more about nursing?”

  Shirley nodded. “I want to. The lactation consultant showed me what to do.”

  “All the books say it really helps with their immunity. Not to mention bonding.”

  Shirley fiddled with the radio. “I’ll try.”

  Lee tried not to worry that Shirley hadn’t held Harry much or even looked at him too long. She knew every mother was different and she might be feeling overwhelmed. “How do you feel?”

  Shirley ran her fingers through her greasy hair. “Like I’ve been through a meat grinder.”

  Lee grimaced. “Lovely. But I didn’t mean physically. I just meant about … Harry.”

  Shirley turned around and looked at her child. “He looks like a little old man, doesn’t he?”

  “I think he’s perfect.”

  A smile warmed Shirley’s face. “He is pretty cute.”

  “You’re going to be a great mom, Shirley. I know it.”

  Tears filled Shirley’s eyes and she knocked them away. Lee reached out and held Shirley’s hand.

  “God, I’m a mess. Look at me.” Shirley flipped down the passenger visor and dragged her fingers under her eyes and across her cheeks.

  “You’re beautiful,” Lee said. “And it’s just the hormones. It will get better.”

  Shirley leaned back against the passenger seat and closed her eyes. “I hope so.”

  Lee exited the highway and turned left onto Fesslers Lane. “Listen, I was thinking you and Harold could have a night out together if you felt up for it. I’ll watch the baby.”

  “Really? Am I allowed to do that?”

  Lee hesitated. “I mean, I think so. The doctors said you should rest, but I don’t think having dinner would be out of the question.”

  “I’ll see what Harold wants to do.”

  Lee nodded. She wished her father would get out of the house, but he’d probably want to stay in. She just wanted Harry to have a calm first night.

  A few minutes later, she pulled into their driveway. The lawn was nothing but weeds. Shirley turned to her.

  “Can I talk to him first?” She bolted into the house without receiving an answer, leaving the baby in the car, as well as all their bags. Lee rolled her eyes and unbuckled Harry.

  “Well, that wasn’t very nice, was it? Leaving you here like that on your very first day.” She knew Shirley was anxious to see Harold. The fact that he had missed the birth of his son wasn’t lost on either of them. Harry’s whole life with her father began to flash before her eyes, and she bit back tears. All the ways he would disappoint him. All the ways Shirley would be there to defend a man who didn’t deserve defending, just like her mother had. Lee detached the car seat and inhaled the clean scent of new life.

  She gazed at Harry’s sleeping face. Thoughts of her unborn baby brother made her almost capsize with grief. Here she was, so many years later, with her second chance at becoming a sister. But she was just one person. She couldn’t be with Harry all the time. She had to work. She had to leave him every single day. She knew her father had already raised a child, but she still wasn’t sure if he was capable of loving a baby. Not in this phase of life.

  She looped the car seat handle over her arm and carefully walked up the front stoop. She opened the door and smelled cigarette smoke. Beer cans littered the kitchen counter in front of the patch of tile that had been ruined in a grease fire her father had accidentally set last year. Dirty dishes were piled in the sink. Mail was strewn across the floor.

  “Dad, really?” She waved through the haze of smoke, kicked the mail out of the way, and stalked to the living room. Her father was on the couch. Shirley sat in his lap, the two of them already glued to some stupid show. He was drinking a beer. Lee searched the coffee table for drugs, so conditioned to look for signs. She knew Shirley had promised to stay clean, and she wanted to believe her. But deep down, she feared she’d be high again the first chance she got.

  “Dad.”

  Her father ignored her and took another sip of his beer.

  “Dad! Hello?” She snatched the remote off the coffee table and hit mute. “Would you like to meet your son?”

  “Where’s my boy?” he slurred. “Where’s Harry?”

  Lee stepped back. She didn’t want to hand him the baby when he was drunk. He could drop him or make him cry.

  She set the car seat at her feet and unbuckled him. He was sleeping, despite the noise, the smoke, and the unstable environment. She scooped his pliable body out of the seat and cradled his neck.

  “See? This is Harry, your son.” She extended the baby for him to take a look, protective as she pulled him back again.

  Her father opened his arms. He stank. He was wearing the same clothes he had three days ago, when they’d left to go to the hospital. Though Lee had insisted he no longer smoke in the house, he had, and would. A baby wouldn’t change that. She craned her arms so her father could see, but he closed and opened his fists.

  “Give him to me, Lee. Jesus.”

  Shirley nodded. “It’s okay.”

  Lee bit the inside of her cheek as she handed off the baby. Harold bounced the infant, his head popping back on its soft, unformed vertebrae. He shook the newborn like a rattle until Harry was choking on his own cries. “Stop that crying, you.” He looked at Shirley. “Ugly little things, aren’t they?”

  “Like aliens,” she said, as she lit a cigarette and blew smoke into the air.

  “What is wrong with the two of you?” Lee, unusually bold, inserted herself between them and moved the baby back into her arms. She snatched the cigarette from Shirley’s mouth with her free hand and waved the smoke away. “You cannot smoke around a baby. What are you even doing?” She squashed the cigarette in the ashtray and glared at her father. “And you have to support his head, Dad. You can’t hold him like that.”

  “Chill out, Lee. We’re his parents, not you,” Shirley scoffed.

  “Exactly my point,” Lee snapped. “I’m the one doing everything so far, and you just had him. You literally just left him in the car.”

  Shirley reddened and opened her mouth. “I’m sorry. I’m just tired. I’m not thinking straight. It’s my hormones.”

  “Give her a break, Lee. Jesus.”

  Lee resisted the urge to tell her dad to stay out of it. “Look, I know this is a lot, but you two can’t drink and smoke around Harry. Can we please just make a deal about that?”

  Shirley nodded and elbowed Harold.

  “Fine, fine,” he said. “We’ll be good.”

  Lee looked at Shirley. “Are you going to feed him?”

/>   Shirley studied the baby, her eyes glassy and raw. “Can you give him formula right now? It’s in the bag, I think. They gave me some free ones.”

  “I thought…”

  “I know. I am going to try to nurse. I promise. I just need to rest for a bit.”

  Lee sighed and walked to the kitchen with the baby tucked safely in her arms. She wanted to remind her that if Harry got used to formula, he probably wouldn’t want her milk. As she mixed the formula and warmed the bottle, spitting out a few drops on her inner wrist to test the temperature, she wondered how this was ever going to work.

  It already felt like babysitting, except she had a real baby to think about now. Harry’s lips parted as he took the bottle. He began to suck and soften, his cheeks pink from exertion. She stroked the top of his head with its silken hair, a few strands sticking up at the crown.

  Shirley and Harold laughed about something in the next room. What happened to this child would largely be up to her. Despite all her best hopes for Shirley to get her act together, that meant that Harold had to as well. She could help Shirley with her career, but that was it. She had her own life to think about. She wasn’t ready for the full-time responsibility of someone else’s child.

  She finished feeding Harry and took him to the nursery. Pale blue walls welcomed him, as well as a modest crib. She’d had fun decorating with an owl decal and matching curtains. She lowered him inside and cranked the mobile above his head. She watched him fall asleep, then tiptoed out of the room and shut the door.

  61

  lee

  “Okay, it’s finally done!” Shirley entered Frothy Monkey and practically floated to where Lee sat at a corner table.

  Harry was strapped to her chest, out cold. Lee smiled to see such a sweet sight. He was only two months old, but Shirley had swiftly warmed to motherhood after her initial uncertainty. While she’d dropped most of the pregnancy weight, she had curves again. Her hair was growing back to its natural blond, and she looked like herself.

  “I’m dying to see it.” Lee offered the chair next to her. “And this cutie.” She stroked the top of Harry’s sleeping head and slid over a decaf coffee. “For the nursing mother.”

  “Why thank you.” Shirley took a long sip and grimaced. “God, I miss real coffee.”

  “It’s only a matter of time. Now, give it to me.” Lee opened and closed her hands while Shirley reached into her bag to retrieve her stylist portfolio.

  Though she took several weeks off after the baby, Shirley had been hard at work building her book. For the last month, she’d done nothing else. There was a training spot open at Parlour & Juke, and though Lee had only been there for two months, she wanted to put in a good word for her.

  Shirley proudly set the portfolio on the table. Her cheeks were flushed, her skin glowing, and Lee marveled at how well motherhood suited her. How much it had changed her. Even if her father was still the same.

  Lee clapped her hands excitedly and prepared to open it.

  “Before you get into it”—Shirley laid her hand on Lee’s forearm—“I just want you to feel like you can be one hundred percent honest with me. I can handle constructive criticism. Ooh. Oh boy.”

  “What?” Lee looked at her.

  Shirley lifted the baby as well as she could in his carrier and sniffed. “How can a baby poop while he sleeps? That’s a talent in and of itself.” She rolled her eyes. “Perfect timing. I won’t have to sit here biting my nails. I’m going to change him. Have fun.” She grabbed the diaper bag and headed for the bathroom.

  Lee laughed and opened the portfolio, thick with photos of all types of cuts. Shirley had decided early on that she would be a haircut specialist and not get into color, which Lee thought was brilliant. She scanned the first page. She’d started with the long cuts, which had been Lee’s suggestion.

  A knot formed in her stomach as she peered closer and dissected each haircut. Sections were heavy where they should have been light. Layers at the wrong angle or overly hacked into the hair. Wrong scissors. Slightly uneven tips. Blunt, wide cuts that made the hair shaft expand, not shrink. Razor cuts on the wrong hair types. “No, no, no.” Lee quickly flipped to the next page, hoping it would get better. It didn’t. Medium-length hair that did nothing for face shapes. Short cuts that were completely uneven and outdated. Lee turned page after page and waited to see the right cut, a glimmer of something that showed promise. They’d trained together, for God’s sake. She’d taught Shirley various tricks and tips, but the last couple of months, she’d been training with someone else. And Lee had given her the recommendation! How could she have been so off base?

  Shirley had picked up so many bad habits, Lee didn’t even know where to begin. She started to panic. She couldn’t tell her how bad this was. She closed the book and sipped her coffee. God, did Shirley think this was good?

  A few minutes later, she emerged from the bathroom. “Shoo-wee can this kid fill a diaper. Holy God in heaven. I’m afraid for when he starts solids.”

  Lee laughed. “You and me both.” She’d taken on her fair share of changing diapers in the last eight weeks. Harry loved to eat.

  Shirley glanced at the book. “So?” She stomped her feet like a little kid. “You’re killing me. Tell me everything.”

  Lee smiled and fanned her hands across the top of the book. “First of all, I just want to tell you how absolutely impressed I am that you did this in such a short amount of time. This is a huge portfolio and a really big deal.”

  Shirley beamed and ran her hand in soothing circles across Harry’s back. “Thank you. I worked hard on it.”

  Lee opened the book. “That being said though, I do want to ask you about a few of your stylistic choices, just so I can understand how you approached each cut.”

  “Okay.” Shirley’s hopeful tone shifted, and Lee could hear a bit of defensiveness edging in.

  “For instance, tell me about the layering for the long cuts, if it was wet or dry, how you sectioned the hair. All that.”

  Shirley launched into the details, and Lee listened. Wrong. It was all wrong. She moved on to the medium and short cuts, withholding judgment until they’d gone through the entire book. With every answer, she realized how little Shirley actually knew about how to approach a head of hair. She wasn’t ready to go anywhere near someone’s head, let alone be hired by Supercuts.

  “Is there anything you think I could work on? I want to get this right before I show P&J.”

  Lee hesitated and then rested her hand on top of the book. “You can’t show this to Parlour & Juke. Not like this.” Lee’s direct statement hung in the air, and she watched as Shirley’s face visibly fell.

  “Okay.” She adjusted Harry’s pacifier. “Why not?”

  Lee exhaled. “I just think you need to refine a bit.”

  “But how? Lee, come on. Out with it.” She bobbed Harry up and down.

  Lee knew she wanted constructive criticism, but she wasn’t sure how to say it without being cruel. “Shirl, if I’m being honest, there’s something fundamentally wrong with every single one of these haircuts.”

  Shirley stared quizzically at the book. “What do you mean?”

  Lee opened it to a random page. “From how you just explained your process, to the approach, and especially the end result.” She motioned to one of the photos. “They’re just completely off the mark.”

  “Well…” Tears welled in Shirley’s eyes, but she blinked rapidly to prevent them from falling. “Isn’t that just your opinion?”

  Lee covered Shirley’s hand with her own. “I’ve been doing this a long time. I know what salons look for. I know how they will assess your work. That being said, this is nothing we can’t fix.” She squeezed her hand. “I’m happy to help you rebuild the book, but whoever you’ve been training with the last few months has given you some bad advice. We need to start over with the basics.”

  “I don’t have time to start with the basics.” There was a desperate edge to her voice. “I need this
job. I need this job like yesterday.” Shirley’s face reddened. “I am counting on you putting in a good word for me. I want to get my own place. You know that. I need the money. This is important to me, Lee.”

  Lee nodded. She was being put in an impossible position. She wanted Shirley to have a good job and her own place. “Of course I know that. But I’m telling you, you need more time. No one will hire you with this book.”

  Shirley stared silently at the table. Lee saw a few tears splash against the wood.

  “Shirley, hey. Please don’t get discouraged. My first book was a disaster too. But it can be fixed. We can fix it, okay?”

  “My book is not a disaster,” Shirley snapped. She snatched the book and shoved it into the diaper bag. “This is just your opinion. One opinion. You’re not the deciding factor here.”

  Lee sat back. “I’m just trying to help. You just said you could take constructive criticism.”

  “By telling me I have no talent and that my book is a disaster?” Shirley stood and her fingers shook as she shouldered her bag. “Yeah, thanks for the fucking encouragement. I’ll never ask for your help again.” She turned and stormed out of the coffee shop. Lee didn’t want her to be angry, but all she’d done was tell the truth. Shirley needed to put in the real work, and it took longer than two months. She couldn’t have a job handed to her just because she knew someone who worked at the same salon.

  Lee palmed her coffee and keys and checked the time. She had to get to work. She knew they’d talk it out later, but she felt bad she’d hurt her feelings. She entered the parking lot. Shirley was strapping Harry into the backseat. As she approached, she could hear her sniffles before she snapped him into place and shut the door.

  “What?” Shirley wiped her face and smeared mascara across her cheek.

  “I wasn’t trying to hurt your feelings. Hey, come here.” She tugged Shirley closer. “Look at me. You are talented.”

  Shirley scoffed.

  “You are. Let’s just approach this like a challenge, okay? We’ll do it together.”

  “I don’t want to do it together! For once, I wanted to prove to you I didn’t need your help.”