Fearless & Fabulous: 10 Powerful Strategies for Getting Anything You Want in Life
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Can you imagine being on your deathbed with an aching feeling that you did not live your life to the fullest? I don’t know about you, but that thought terrifies me and is enough to push me forward through my fears. Life is too short to be stuck with the “would haves” “could haves” and “should haves.” It’s on you to make sure you live every second as if it was your last. Life is precious and not guaranteed, and that is something I remind myself of every single day. When fear strikes I ask myself: Will I regret not doing this when I’m eighty years old? If the answer is yes, I step into action. Plus, don’t you want great stories to talk about over a glass of champagne when you’re in the nursing home?
You can spend your energy getting excited or being afraid. The choice is yours.
“The more you love your decisions, the less you need others to love them.”
— Unknown
Many of us are nurturers at heart. Whether we are a mother, sister, wife, or best friend, we as women tend to be really good at caring for those around us. And while that is a fantastic characteristic to possess, it’s crucial that we put our own needs first. This does not make us selfish, it makes us fulfilled and happy – two key qualities to living a fearless and fabulous life. If your own needs are not met, you will never be able to bust through the blocks that hold you back and ultimately keep you in a place of fear and desolation. This is one of the most single important takeaways from this book, so bust out that hot pink marker and highlight that last sentence, ladies!
It can be difficult to own your desires, especially when you love to see those around you happy. I’ve worked with dozens of women who are holding back their greatness because they’re so worried about letting someone down in their life. Perhaps you’re thinking about changing careers, but your parents put you through school to get an MBA so that you can earn that six-figure salary in finance. They rave about you to all of their friends, but deep down you’re completely miserable in your job. Maybe you have a burning desire to quit that job in finance and teach yoga full-time, but the thought of even expressing that desire to your parents scares you to death. You know they will be disappointed in you, so you remain in your stressful, unfulfilling job day in and day out just to keep other people happy. Do you realize how unfair that is? Not only are you depriving yourself of a bliss-filled, passionate life, you’re actually depriving your parents of a bliss-filled, passionate child. You may not even realize it, but you are forever changed as a person when you remain chained to a life that is not aligned with your authentic self. Little by little, you begin to lack the exuberance, creativity, and the appetite for life that you once had. And it shows.
Here’s something important to remember: people will get over it. As long as you are treating those around you with kindness and respect, nothing else should matter. Your personal choices and decisions on how you decide to live your life are just that: personal. The things that make you happy are priceless and the people who love you should understand that completely. And if they don’t, it’s not your problem.
FEARLESS & FABULOUS SUCCESS STORY
An Essay by Debbie Vasquez, Project Manager
Years ago, my life was in disarray. I was divorced, my ex had an accident that caused brain damage and could no longer function in the work place, leaving me to deal with a devastated child and being fully responsible for our daughter. I was working at one of the three major local companies and met a small business owner who offered me employment at his company. The opportunity would be to work from home as the company was not in my local area.
Family and friends, especially my parents, were not supportive of this opportunity. They felt the stability of this unknown company was risky – and what about insurance? Despite the risks of taking the job, what I did know is that I needed to be home for my daughter more than ever because her father was no longer in her life the way he had been. I did not want my daughter growing up remembering that neither of us was around.
I was paralyzed by indecision for nine months. It was difficult enough my parents did not agree with my decision to get divorced, but the fact that they thought I was making the wrong career decision just felt like a heavy burden to bear.
Only one person in my life actually encouraged me to make that move and it is my now husband. It was not because he totally understood or agreed, but he knew I was not happy and this change would give me an opportunity to focus on what I felt was the most important aspect of my life – my daughter. While others, including my parents, questioned the company and the career opportunities, they never asked me if I was happy. Was I comfortable? Yes. I knew the company, I knew my job, I knew what would happen every day and I knew I had a paycheck. Did I know that this new opportunity would be better? No! I was so scared but being at home when my daughter came home from school every day beat any career opportunity that I could miss.
After agnozing over the decision, I took the job, and it was the best decision I ever made. Looking back, I do believe friends and family thought they were looking out for me but most just didn’t understand that a traditional job was not working for me. I had to pursue an opportunity to have the life I had always wanted even if it meant I was going against the grain and against the type of life my parents led, the type of life they expected me to have.
Ultimately, however, it was not about ‘my’ career – it was about being a mother and being there for my daughter. Any decision has pros and cons and what I have learned is that you need to focus on the pros so that the cons do not drag you down.
Within four years, my company went through restructuring and I was asked to be part of the beginning of those changes. I had no idea how many hours I would end up putting into the company, but I was always there for my daughter because I was home. I can still hear the bus stop in front of my house, and I remember the sound of her footsteps (or foot stomping depending on the day!) and mostly, I was able to be the parent that I could not have been in an office. She grew up in the times of chat rooms and the beginnings of instant messaging. I believe she had the potential to be vulnerable to these new technologies but I was physically there to prevent her from ‘meeting’ people she did not know. I think too many parents want to be friends and I was, and still am, a parent. I parent first. It’s my role. I’m very, very proud of the woman my daughter has become and I’m proud of the company that I continue to work for – which also hired my husband and brother! Life is good ... not perfect, but I don’t believe perfect exists. If it did – what would we have to strive for?
Debbie’s decision to trust her gut was clearly a great one. Only she knew what was best for her and her family, and by taking that leap despite the negativity or doubt from those around her, she designed a life that she loves. As she states, nothing is perfect, but she has taken ownership for her choices and she’s pretty damn proud of them. Debbie should be an inspiration for all of us!
Surround Yourself with The Best
Oprah Winfrey once said, “Surround yourself with only those who will lift you higher.” That powerful advice could not be truer. As you step into the fearless and fabulous version of yourself, you will undoubtedly meet people who are not supportive. If you’ve experienced a negative response any time you’ve made a decision that required you to move ahead in the face of fear, understand that the cause of the negativity most likely has nothing to do with you at all. For instance, in Debbie’s situation, she experienced uncertainty and doubt from those around her. Their fears did not exist because they lacked faith in Debbie, they existed because of the stories they had heard or things they believed. The fear belonged to them, based on their own experiences.
Whenever we make a powerful choice for ourselves, for instance the decision to leave a job, it forces others around us to look at their own lives and choices. Your decision to grow may reflect their decision to stagnate. I call it the mirror effect. But that’s ultimately not your concern. You can only hope to inspire someone with your fabulosity; nothing else is required of you aside from rocking
out as your true, authentic self.
So what’s a gal to do when everyone around her seems like a Negative Nelly? Simple! Change your surroundings, stat. Seek support from mentors, colleagues, support groups, or friends and family members who can relate to what you’re going through. I have found some of the greatest support from both online and in-person networking groups. Sharing my thoughts and fears with women who share some of those same feelings has been invaluable in my journey. When you can be open and honest with someone who will not judge your decisions, you’re able to be open and honest with yourself. Create a network that will help lift you up, encourage you, and challenge you to be as amazing as you know you can be.
FEARLESS & FABULOUS EXERCISE
What are you holding back doing because you’re worried about someone else’s opinion? Write it down here or in your journal. Getting it down on paper will help propel you forward.
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Everything is a Choice
How many times have you caught yourself saying, “I wish I could do X but I just can’t.” Sure there are some things in life that are physically impossible (unfortunately, I can’t snap my fingers and time travel back into 1986 to attend a Wham concert), but for the most part, everything is a choice. Let’s take for example changing careers, as this is a big dream for so many women. You may have said to yourself at some point, “I’d love to leave my job, but I can’t because I’m tied to this mortgage and car payments.” Let’s get something straight, ladies. You are not forced to stay in a job you hate and you are not forced to pay a mortgage or car payments. You are not a victim of anything in this life. You choose to get up and go to work every day, and you choose to pay your mortgage and your car payments. When you frame it like that, you immediately reclaim the control and take yourself out of what I like to call “victim mode.” Fearless and fabulous women are not victims. Tattoo that on your forehead if you have to, because it’s a theme we’re going to remind ourselves of constantly as we go through this book. Got it?
Because you are a responsible adult, you probably wouldn’t just quit your job without a backup plan and stop paying your mortgage or car payments, but you can develop a plan to change all of those things if you really want to. You own the decision to get up and go to work every day. And you can own the decision to look for a new job just as easily. And you know what? If you choose to quit without a backup plan, that’s your choice too.
Recognizing that everything is a choice gives us a sense of power and control. This can be comforting if you experience fear and anxiety. It’s scary to feel like life is happening to you. There is nothing worse than feeling like things are spinning out of control and you can’t do anything to change it. But that is never true. Can we control everything that happens? Absolutely not. But what we can control is the way we respond to those things. Start viewing every single part of your life as a choice, and then decide what you need to boldly and fearlessly change.
I realize I’ve been talking about some pretty big life changes so far. But the most important thing to remember is that being fearless and fabulous does not mean you need a complete life or career overhaul. Rather than imagining changing your entire life around in order to face your fears (hello, anxiety!), try adding the things you’ve always wanted to do into your life, little by little. For example, let’s say you want to switch careers and become a writer. That’s obviously a big step that needs a lot of planning, but you can start small. Try writing a little bit each night. Start that book you’ve always dreamed of publishing by jotting down an outline. Incorporate your passion into your life however you can and I promise you’ll instantly feel better.
You are forever changed as a person when you remain chained to a life that is not aligned with your authentic self.
“Believe in yourself and there will come a day when others have no choice but to believe in you.”
— Cynthia Kersey
Negative thought patterns and self-limiting beliefs are surefire confidence killers that can keep us locked into our fears. Fearless and fabulous have one very important thing in common: they think positively and radiate confidence. In this chapter, I’m going to help you drop those pesky insecurities and challenge your negative thinking so that you can rewire your brain (yes, it’s possible!).
Many of us have self-limiting beliefs. Sometimes we don’t even realize they are there. Maybe yours look something like this: “I really want to lose weight but I’ve always been heavy. I’m just not the type to be thin.” Or, “I want to be a full-time writer, but I’ll never make money doing that.” It’s important to understand that these beliefs are not real; they are fear-based.
So where do they come from? Self-limiting beliefs can come from oh-so-many places. Often times, we learn certain things as children and we never question them. For example, your parents may have taught you that in order to live a happy, successful life, you should go to college, get a good job, get married and have children. You may not want to follow that path, but you feel you’ll never have a happy, successful life any other way. If you really break it down, does that make sense? Or are you just taking their word for it? Dig deep to the root of those beliefs and determine whether or not they are actually true.
FEARLESS & FABULOUS EXERCISE
Identify your self-limiting beliefs and negative thought patterns. Keep a journal throughout the day and write them down when they surface, or list them here.
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Once you become aware of these beliefs, the next step is to challenge them. This is where the magic happens. Our minds are powerful beyond measure, so just as quickly as those thoughts appear, you can train your brain to defy them. Ask yourself the following questions: Is this belief true? Where did this thought originate? Is there evidence to support this? If so, what are some examples?
This process gets you thinking deeply about these beliefs and most often you will find that there is no evidence to support them at all.
FEARLESS & FABULOUS EXERCISE
Refer back to the list you just made. For every self-limiting belief you wrote, I want you to now write down where you believe that thought originated.
Example:
Self-limiting belief: I am too old to switch careers.
Where it originated: My parents told me that I should choose my career by the age of 25 and I am now 37.
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Look at your list. Are those things truth? Or have you just believed them because someone told you that you should? Spend a few minutes on this one and let it sink in.
Now it’s time to challenge th
ese beliefs. The best way to do this is to find examples from your past to prove these beliefs wrong. For example, let’s say you’re trying to save money for a big move across the country. Your self-limiting beliefs may tell you that you’ll never be able to pull it off, it’s too big of a goal, and you’re just not that disciplined. Where did that thought come from? Maybe it’s what society has taught you. Maybe you’ve grown up believing you should put your roots down in one place and settle down. You’ve identified it, now it’s time to challenge it.
I’d encourage you to take a look back at your life and think about a time where you were disciplined. Maybe it was your last semester in college where you got through your finals and graduated with honors. Or maybe that time you lost twenty-five pounds. Chances are, you’ve been able to pull off some pretty major things in the past, so use those accomplishments to give you the confidence fuel your new goals. You are much more powerful than you give yourself credit.
And believe me, I get it. It’s not easy to challenge and overcome these nasty little lingering beliefs, but it is completely possible. It’s just going to take self-awareness and hard work. You’re going to have to make this a daily habit that you practice religiously. Keep your journal with you and commit to being aware of your thoughts all day long. Like I said, our minds are extremely powerful so it’s up to you to rewrite your story, but it will take patience and persistence.
Just as you can convince yourself that you are lacking, you can also convince yourself that you are abundant. As Henry Ford said, “Whether you think you can, or you think you can’t, either way you are right.” Start replacing your negative, self-limiting beliefs with powerful, positive beliefs. Your gifts and talents are unlimited; you just have to tap into the confidence to believe it.