Ugly Girl Ties the Knot

by Alice Wasser

  I don’t know why, but her approval, especially since Sam and I were broken up, made me burst into tears.

  “Millie,” she said gently. “Millie, honey, what is it?”

  “I don’t think we’re going to get back together,” I hiccuped between sobs. “He’s moving to New York.”

  She put her arms around me like she did when I was a little girl. “Millie, don’t cry. It will be okay. There will be other men.”

  “I don’t want other men!” I almost yelled. “I want Sam. I love him. I don’t want to live my life without him.”

  My mother was quiet for a while, letting me cry. Finally, she said, “He cared about you a lot. I can see that. He was good to you.” She stroked my hair. “What happened? Why did you break up?”

  I lowered my eyes. “I kissed Jake.”

  I expected her to applaud me for finally making something happen with Jake. But she didn’t. “Oh, Millie,” she murmured. “No wonder he’s angry.”

  “I really blew it,” I said. “That’s it. I will never fall in love with anyone again.”

  “That’s ridiculous.”

  “It’s true,” I insisted. “No guy will ever match up to him.”

  My mother sat with me for another few hours. I spent almost the whole time crying. She was pretty sympathetic, considering how much she disliked Sam and she’s probably doing cartwheels inside that we’re broken up. She did seem to genuinely like the apartment though.

  June 20:

  I miss Sam.

  I miss the way his face lights up every time he sees me walk into a room.

  I miss his blue eyes.

  I miss the way he gets all red whenever I tease him about being a Star Trek fan.

  I miss how horny he gets in the morning and the way he won’t let me out of bed because he wants to cuddle with me and kiss me for hours.

  I miss him going down on me. God, I miss sex.

  I miss how he can always fix my computer.

  I miss our red light kisses.

  I miss the way he bites the tip of his thumb when he’s deep in thought.

  I miss the scars on his chest. I miss his chest.

  I miss him so goddamn much.

  Fuck it, I’m buying a plane ticket to New York.

  June 21:

  My nephew Alex had his bris today.

  In case you don’t know what a bris is, I’ll fill you in. In Jewish tradition, a bris is the ritual circumcision of a male infant. More than half of all male infants in this country get circumcised, and there is some data that it reduces the risk of sexually transmitted diseases. I personally don’t have any strong feelings about it one way or the other, but I do think it is incredibly weird to cut off your baby’s foreskin in front of all your family and friends, and then have a big party.

  Then again, who am I to question ancient traditions?

  I had a nice navy blue outfit that I had worn to the last religious ceremony I had been forced to attend, but I was distressed to see that the button on the skirt would not close. That’s how much weight I’ve gained since Sam and I started dating. I was almost in tears when I was trying to close the button, thinking about how Sam never cared that I was overweight and he loved me no matter what. I couldn’t believe I messed that up.

  Unfortunately, I didn’t discover the button issue until the morning of the ceremony, so I didn’t have many options. I ended up keeping my white blouse untucked and buttoning the navy jacket, in hopes nobody would notice my pants were open.

  (This had the potential to be really embarrassing.)

  The bris was held at my sister’s house. She and her husband must have had a zillion friends, because there was standing room only. I didn’t really feel like talking to anyone, so I helped myself to the spread of bagels, lox, and cream cheese, trying to ensure that not only would my skirt not button, but that it would split at the seams.

  My mother had been hinting that there would be some single Jewish men at the ceremony, but I didn’t think my unbuttoned skirt was going to attract a lot of second looks. I didn’t think there were any guys who were going to be falling over themselves for Alex’s fat spinster aunt.

  And you know what? I didn’t even care. Even if the most handsome Jewish man in the world magically fell in love with me, I’d be too busy obsessing over Sam. He was all I could think about.

  My flight to New York was due to leave at three in the afternoon. That meant I wasn’t going to have a lot of time to mingle at the end of the ceremony. I was pretty much going to have to dash out the door just as soon as things wrapped up with the whole circumcision deal. I was fully expecting a future phone call from my mother telling me how rude I had been, but I didn’t care. That was the least of my problems.

  A new baby usually deprives each of its parents of around 350 to 400 hours of sleep in the first year, and for the first time since I’ve known her, Rachel didn’t look completely radiant. She looked exhausted, actually. There were bags under her pretty brown eyes.

  “He already has colic,” she confided to me. “All he does is cry. It never ends.”

  Alex was in her arms, screaming his little head off. But he was still adorable. When I saw him, I almost started crying myself. You know you’re not in good shape when just looking at a colicky baby makes you burst into tears

  The way the ceremony proceeded is that the mohel (a guy whose entire job is just to circumcise babies) quieted down the crowd, and said a few words in Hebrew. I don’t speak Hebrew, so I just fiddled with my skirt to make sure that my underwear wasn’t showing. I caught him saying the name Benyamin, which is Alex’s Hebrew name, after my mother’s father, who passed on. I could see my mother tearing up.

  Rachel’s husband’s brother held the baby for the ceremony. Generally, it has to be a male relative who holds the baby, and all I can say is thank God. I would not want to be the one making sure my baby nephew stayed absolutely still for an unmedicated medical procedure. What if I slipped and the mohel cut off his penis? What if my nephew had to go through his entire life with no penis because of me? I don’t think I could live with that.

  Fortunately, everything went smoothly, except for Alex screaming his head off like… well, like a baby. When it was over, the mohel said a blessing over a cup of wine, then Alex got to drink some wine and that finally quieted him down. For the only time in the last hour, I was jealous of my nephew. I had a feeling that all family events in the near future were going to require a lot of alcohol on my part.

  The guests were packed into the house like sardines. I looked down at my watch and my heart sped up. I had to get out of here now in order to make my flight.

  I started pushing my way through the crowd, mumbling “excuse me” as I elbowed my uncle Fred in his ample gut. I was practically in the foyer when I tripped over someone’s leg and nearly fell flat on my face. I managed to steady myself, and quickly mumbled, “I’m sorry, excuse me.”

  “Entirely my fault,” a familiar voice said.

  My mouth fell open. It was Sam. He looked very tired and his short hair was sticking up a bit, but he was wearing a nice dark suit and looked achingly handsome. So, so handsome. I blinked, thinking for a second that I was seeing things. But no, he was very real.

  Except what was he doing here?

  “What are you doing here?” I asked.

  “Gee, thanks,” he said. He shifted in his wheelchair. “Nice to see you too. I just flew in early this morning.”

  “I’m sorry,” I said quickly. “I, um, I’m really glad to see you. Did Rachel invite you?”

  He shook his head. “No, your mother invited me.”

  Again, I was shocked. “My mother invited you?”

  “Yeah,” he confirmed. “I was pretty surprised too. She said that Rachel liked me a lot and she wanted me to come. So here I am.”

  “Oh,” I said. I noticed Sam’s eyes were darting around like he was looking for someone. “So, um, what did you think of the bris?”

  “Interesting,” he said. �
�Made me kind of relieved I don’t remember my own circumcision.

  Sam didn’t seem angry at me anymore. He was giving me kind of an odd look. This whole thing was a little weird, especially considering I had expected to be racing down the freeway towards the airport at this point. I mean, how could my mother have invited him here? She hated him.

  “Look,” Sam said to me. “There’s something I’ve got to tell you. I don’t think you’re going to like it, but I’ve got to say it. And I want you to listen to me. Okay?”

  I stared at him. I didn’t like the way this sounded. “Okay...”

  He took a deep breath. “Millie, I don’t care what happens between you and me. But you can’t date Jake. You can’t. He’s an awful guy and he’s going to treat you like shit. He’s a womanizer. Trust me—I know him. And he’s a jerk too. You deserve better than him and I can’t just sit idly by and let you make a terrible mistake.”

  I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. “I’m not dating Jake,” I said.

  He raised his eyebrows in surprise. “You’re not?”

  “No, of course not. Who told you I was?”

  “Jake did,” Sam said. “He told me right before I emailed you about going to New York.”

  I felt my hands clench into fists. “And you believed him? Even though I told you nothing happened?”

  For the first time since Sam confronted me about Jake, he seemed a little sheepish. “Well, you know, there were all those... text messages,” he stammered. “And that party…”

  “You know I would never lie to you,” I shot back. All my pent-up emotions suddenly rushed to the surface. I couldn’t tell if I was angry, sad, frustrated, relieved, or more likely, some combination of all of those things. “I told you, nothing happened between him and me. I swear on my life. We were just friends, at least until I realized what a jerk he is. Yes, he tried to kiss me, but that was it. I pushed him away. I was never interested in him—not when I had you. We’re certainly not in a relationship in any way, shape, or form.” I paused. “Do you believe me?”

  Sam blinked a few times. “Yes. Of course I do. I know you wouldn’t lie to me.”

  I frowned at him. “Well, you didn’t believe me before.”

  Sam rubbed his chin with the back of his hand. “Yeah,” he admitted. “You’re right. You’re absolutely right. And...” He took a deep breath. “I owe you an apology. When I saw the two of you together the other day, the way he touched you, I thought for sure… and then when Jake told me you were dating…” His voice became a little shaky. “When I looked at the guy, I felt like I couldn’t compete, you know? That he could do all these things for you that I couldn’t do.”

  Sam always seemed so confident and comfortable with himself, despite everything. It was hard to hear him tell me his insecurities. But it was also good. Maybe I wasn’t the only one who felt insecure about myself sometimes.

  Sam looked up at me with pain in his blue eyes. “I really thought I’d lost you, Millie. When you kept calling, I assumed it was to try to make me feel better about getting dumped for him. And I couldn’t bear to hear it.”

  A hard lump formed in my throat. Any anger or resentment I had felt completely faded. All I wanted to do was throw my arms around him.

  “So…” Sam glanced in the direction of the door. “It looked like you were rushing off somewhere...”

  “I was,” I admitted, speaking through the (possibly cancerous?) lump in my throat.

  Sam smiled crookedly. “To be honest, I thought you were rushing off to meet him.”

  “Actually,” I said, “I was rushing off to meet you.”

  Sam frowned, then shook his head in confusion. “What are you talking about? You thought I was in New York.”

  “Right.” I dug into my purse and pulled out my pre-printed boarding pass for the flight to New York. “Hopefully, I can still get a refund.”

  Sam stared at me. “You were going to go to New York to find me?”

  I nodded.

  “But you didn’t even know where I was staying,” he pointed out.

  “I was going to call every hotel in the area,” I said. “I was going to patrol the streets looking for you. I was going to call you every five minutes until you picked up the phone. I had to try. Jake told me that you were going to move there.”

  Sam gaped at me. “Move to New York? Are you kidding me? It snows there.”

  I couldn’t help myself—I burst out laughing. And so did he. As I looked at Sam, I wanted to touch him so badly. I wanted to cuddle up his lap, like I used to. I couldn’t stand it another minute.

  “So,” I said. “You really don’t care what happens between you and me?”

  Sam’s face turned a little pink. “Well, that’s not entirely true.”

  “No?”

  “That night when you called me in New York to tell me about Rachel’s baby,” he said, “all I wanted to do was tell you how much I still loved you. It killed me to think that I might have lost you forever.”

  I thought back to that phone call, about how desperately I wanted to tell him the same thing. If only I had. I could’ve saved myself from having to haggle with the airline to refund an expensive plane ticket.

  He heaved a sigh. “Millie, I made some mistakes. I think I pushed you too much to have a big wedding and get married too soon, and I can see you didn’t want either of those things. It created… tension.”

  I didn’t argue with him.

  “We don’t need to get married,” Sam said. “Not in November, not ever, if you don’t want to. The wedding isn’t what’s important. All that matters is that we’re together. I want to be with you, Millie, in any way that you’ll let me. I don’t care what happened in the past. I… I love you.”

  I fell into his lap and wrapped my arms around his neck. I could tell people were starting to stare at us, but I didn’t care. I was so happy to be back with Sam.

  “I love you too,” I whispered in his ear. “And I definitely do want to marry you. But I want it to be just you and me.”

  Sam nodded. “That would be perfect.”

  I sat with him a long time before I eventually disentangled myself from him. That’s when Sam stepped it up and played the part of the good charismatic boyfriend in front of all my relatives. I have to admit, some of them seemed a little thrown off by him being in a wheelchair, but I think he won most of them over. Pretty much everyone likes Sam.

  Speaking of which, we eventually ended up running into my parents and sister. Sam said mazel tov to Rachel and she hugged him. My father clapped Sam on the shoulder and told him it was good to see him again.

  My mother was clutching the now sleeping baby, looking at us warily. Sam wheeled up to her without hesitation. “Mrs. Glockenfeld,” he said. “Thank you for inviting me.”

  My mother nodded curtly. “Well, Rachel wanted you to come.”

  There was a long pause and she added, “Millie seems to like you quite a bit as well.”

  Sam grinned at her. I know he’s incredibly endearing when he flashes that smile and I could see my mother warming up. She smiled back. “Do you want to hold the baby?” she asked.

  Sam looked at Rachel for her approval and Rachel nodded. I was a little nervous, to be honest, because of Sam’s hands, but when my mother handed over little Alex, Sam scooped him up expertly. I guess he got practice holding his two nephews when they were babies.

  He looked so incredibly sweet holding that baby. Alex opened his little blue eyes and stared up at Sam, and didn’t even start screaming. I suddenly pictured him holding our own baby, cradling it in his arms, looking down with affection in his face. He was going to make such a great dad.

  I looked over at my mother and I was sure she had figured out that the engagement was back on. But she didn’t seem unhappy exactly. Okay, she didn’t seem absolutely thrilled. But she seemed to have finally accepted Sam as a permanent part of my life.

  After the reception was over, Sam and I went back to the apartment. We had separat
e cars, and I kept his handicapped plates in sight the entire drive back to our place. When we got home, we made love like we hadn’t seen each other in ten years.

  EPILOGUE: JANUARY

  January 12:

  So today…

  We made our appointment for 2 p.m. But at about 10 a.m., Sam suddenly discovered that he had misplaced his pair of cufflinks. He looked everywhere for them, but they had vanished.

  “Can’t you wear a shirt that doesn’t need cufflinks?” I asked him.

  “I only have two white shirts and they both need cufflinks,” he said. “You want me to wear a white shirt, right?”

  I shrugged. I was wearing a lavender dress I had bought at Target for $30. We weren’t exactly keeping to tradition.

  “Well, I want to wear a white shirt,” Sam said. “I want to look… you know, respectable. For the photos.”

  I laughed. “Okay, so let’s get cufflinks.”

  Sam drove us to a local upscale jewelry store, wearing the white shirt he intended to wear this afternoon. We went into the store together and Sam explained to the salesgirl what he wanted.

  “Nothing too expensive,” I added, knowing that Sam had a tendency to go overboard.

  “But something nice,” Sam said.

  The salesgirl smiled as she dug around in her drawer for a suitable pair of cufflinks. “Is it a special occasion?” she asked us.

  Sam and I exchanged looks. It was a little embarrassing to admit that we were planning to get married this afternoon, but were just now buying the cufflinks. “You could say that,” Sam said, grinning at me.

  So yes, no big deal or anything, but Sam and I finally got married.

  We got married!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  (Okay, I’m a little bit excited.)

  It was a perfect ceremony. It took place in City Hall, led by a judge. It was just the two of us, holding hands, with Sam’s brother Eric acting as the witness. We were planning to have a small reception with our parents and close family in a few weeks, but we decided that we wanted the ceremony to be just about the two of us, no one else.