RISK

by Deborah Bladon

"I will. I'd love to spend more time with her."

  "After you left she told me that I was lucky." He sighs. "I asked her why."

  "Why?" I question with the hope that it's because of me. I want her to like me. A few days ago I wasn't sure I wanted to know her, and now I want her approval. I want her to understand how important her dad is to me.

  "She told me I was lucky because my best friend is better than her best friend."

  "Are you May's best friend?"

  "I wear clip-on earrings and get my toe nails painted. Of course I'm her best friend."

  I glance down at his toenails. Two of them are painted bright orange. The surrounding skin is the same hue. "What color is that?"

  "It's hideous."

  I chuckle. "I was asking what shade of Matiz nail polish that is."

  "A shade that will never be sold in any of our stores again. I'm pulling it tomorrow. My toes look like fucking pumpkins."

  "You're such a good dad." I close the top of the pizza box. "Can I take this with me or do you want it?"

  "I like that you think I'm a good dad. It's my goal to be the best at that I can be." He looks down at where my hand is resting on the box. "Are you going to eat that for breakfast tomorrow? If you are, don't put it near a microwave. You'll ruin it."

  "No. I'm going to give it to a man who lives on the corner."

  His fingers trace over the pizza place's logo on the front of the box. "You like helping people, don't you? You were going to give all those pastries from the conference room away too."

  His words aren't meant to make me feel uncomfortable, but they do. "I don't like wasting food."

  He lifts a brow. "That's admirable and very responsible. There's some fruit in the refrigerator I bought the other day for you. You can take that for him too."

  "I will." I smile softly. "Thank you, Nolan."

  "I'll walk you out." He picks up the pizza box from the nightstand. "Text me once you're home so I know you made it safely."

  "I can do that."

  "You will do that."

  I want to do that. I like the protectiveness. It makes me feel safe, even if I can defend myself with one hand tied behind my back. "I'll see you at work on Monday?"

  "Unless you want to hang out with May and me tomorrow." He takes a step back. "She'd love to see you again."

  "Thanks for the offer but I'm going to lay low tomorrow." I need some time to absorb everything that's happened today. I feel like I woke up with one life and I'm going to sleep with another, better, happier life. "Pajamas and Netflix for me."

  "I wish I could join in on that." His voice is quiet. "I will one day."

  He will. It won't be tomorrow or the next day, but I want it someday. I'm sure about that.

  Chapter 48

  Nolan

  I told her I loved her last night. I was seconds away from being buried balls deep in her when I said it, but it left my lips. She heard it. Her body told me she did. She didn't say it back, and now I know why. Now I fucking know why she didn't say a goddamn word to me when I confessed what I felt.

  "Daddy, that's Ellie."

  Dammit.

  I thought I could steer May out of here without her seeing what I'm seeing. It stopped me dead in my tracks when I walked through the door of this candy store.

  A goddamn candy store.

  On a Sunday afternoon.

  Who meets their lover here? Who holds hands in a store filled with children?

  I stare at where they're seated at a small table. Ellie's hand is wrapped in his. It's lost in there. Her eyes are staring at his face. The smile on her lips is a tribute to how much she's enjoying whatever the fuck she's doing right now.

  "Ellie!" May screams her name loud enough that everyone in the place turns to look at us, including Ellie. She tugs her hand from his instantly, her eyes a window to the surprise she's feeling.

  "May," she calls out, her voice cracking. "What are you doing here?"

  What the fuck are you doing here, Ellie? What the fuck is he doing here?

  I don't say a thing because I don't trust myself right now. I can't guarantee that I won't say something that will damage my daughter's perception of me, so I say nothing.

  May rushes over to Ellie and reaches in for a hug. I follow, wanting to pull her back. I don't want to see them together like this. I don't want yesterday to be a mistake.

  "Who are you?" May extends her hand toward him after she lets go of Ellie. "I'm May."

  "Wolf," he replies with a smile and a brief shake of May's hand. "I'm a friend of Ellie's."

  "Wow. Wow. Wow." May steps closer to him, her eyes skirting over his forearms and the elaborate tattoos on display. "You're way better at drawing than me."

  "Drawing?" he asks with a chuckle. "What does that mean?"

  I feel Ellie's eyes on me but I ignore her. I can't look at her. I don't know what she's doing but it's obvious this isn't pajamas and movies at home. The lemonades on the table and the open candy bar they're apparently sharing make this a date in my book.

  May flips her hand over to show Wolf the picture of a monkey she drew on her palm this morning. "I draw like this and you draw like that."

  He laughs. "Mine are a little different than yours are."

  "Way different." She looks back at me before she takes another step closer to Wolf. "Is your name really Wolf?"

  "It's Liam Wolf," he explains. "My friends call me Wolf."

  "Can I be your friend?"

  "We need to go, May." I tug on her shoulders. "Let's get your candy so we're not late for the museum."

  She reaches for my wrist, her gaze scurrying over my watch. "We have until the little hand is at the two, Daddy."

  "We're going now." I grab her hand. "Let's leave Ellie and her friend alone."

  "Nolan," Ellie says my name softly as she stands. "Can I speak to you outside for a second?"

  "No." I turn and look her in the eye. I see something there. It might be sadness or regret. It's definitely not guilt. "I'm spending the day with my daughter. If you have something to say to me, you can make an appointment with my assistant this week."

  "You're serious?"

  "Dead serious," I pull both words across my tongue slowly with an edge of anger. "Eda will handle any further correspondence between us."

  "You're jumping to conclusions that are wrong." Her bottom lip quivers. "You have to know that. You must feel it."

  "I want some candy hearts, Daddy." May tugs at my hand. "Let's get them before the little hand is at the two."

  "I feel nothing." I pivot toward the line of people waiting to place an order. There's a burning pain in the center of my chest. "Let's go, May."

  I don't turn back when I hear her tell Wolf she has to go. I keep my composure when she brushes past me as she heads out of the store. I do everything I can to smile when May tells me that today is the best day ever. It's not. It's one of the worst days of my life.

  ***

  "Miss Madden called again to ask for an appointment to speak with you, sir." Eda stands in the doorway to my office. "Do you want me to continue to tell her that your schedule is full?"

  "Yes." I look up from my desk. "I don't want to see her or speak to her."

  "She's been up here three times today, Mr. Black." She pulls the pencil from behind her ear and twirls it between her fingers. "She can see right in here. She knows you're sitting in your office doing nothing."

  "I'm working, Eda."

  "You're staring into space." She taps the pencil on the edge of the doorjamb. "You're also wearing a monkey earring, sir."

  I reach up and yank the earring from my lobe. "Thank you for pointing that out."

  She rubs her hand over her face before cupping her chin. "Can I say something?"

  "I'm not going to stop you."

  "I don't know what happened between the two of you, but I do know that Miss Madden wants a chance to fix it."

  "Some things can't be fixed."

  "What happened, sir? I realize that t
his steps outside the boundary of boss and assistant but I have a strong shoulder. I've counseled four daughters through the ups and downs of relationships."

  I'm tempted to tell her. I've been avoiding everyone but May for four days. I dodged Crew's questions by telling him that I'm focused on the spring product line. I cut a phone call with my mom short when I told her that May needed me to read a story to her even though my daughter was fast asleep. I can't talk about it because it pisses me off. I gave her a part of me and she fucking threw it back in my face.

  "I don't want to discuss it. Miss Madden made a choice. This is the result."

  She takes a measured step closer to my desk. "You also made a choice when you started a relationship with her. Ending it with silence is brutal. Mr. Miller is doing that to me now."

  "Miller is ghosting you?"

  "Like Casper, sir."

  "Get him in here so I can fire his ass."

  "I just told you he's not accepting my calls or text messages, Mr. Black. How can I get him to come to see you?"

  "Good point. I'm ignoring her because I don't know what to say to her, Eda." I don't. I don't want what I have with Ellie it to be over. I also don't want to give my heart to a woman who is spreading her love around.

  "Anything you say is better than not saying a word." She shoves the pencil back behind her ear. "Trust me on that."

  She may be right but I know there's nothing I could say or Ellie could do to change what I saw on Sunday afternoon.

  Chapter 49

  Ellie

  "Four fucking days." I throw my phone on my bed. "What a complete ass. He's an ass, isn't he?"

  "An asshole." Adley twirls her finger in the air. "You forgot the hole at the end of ass. He's an asshole."

  He's not; not really. He's hurt. He saw something on Sunday and jumped to a conclusion that resulted in him diving inside a cocoon to protect his heart. Logically, I know that. Emotionally, I'm pissed as hell at him for ignoring me all week.

  "His assistant told me he was busy and I could see him not ten feet away in his office counting the tiles on the ceiling."

  "I wouldn't do it, Bean." She plops herself on her back on my bed, narrowly missing my phone. "I would tell the jerk to go to hell, and I'd move on."

  I wish it were that easy. He told me he loved me and I felt the same thing. I didn't say it and I doubt it would matter at this point whether I did or not.

  He saw me in a candy store holding hands with Wolf when I told him I was spending the day at home. I passed on time with him and May. He has to be thinking about all of that.

  There's no way he could have known that I ran into Wolf when I went to the store to buy May a candy necklace. They were my favorite treat when I was a kid and I wanted to surprise her by taking one to their apartment. I had no idea Wolf's sister owns the store and he'd be there helping her out.

  "You should have just told him on the spot why you were with Wolf." She bobs her foot up and down. "I don't understand why you didn't."

  "May was standing right there." I sit on the edge of the bed. "I couldn't talk about it in front of her. It's a heavy topic. She's just a little girl."

  "I forgot about the daughter." She scrunches her nose. "You were right to hold back, Bean. He was wrong to assume that you're boning Wolf."

  "We were holding hands." I hold up both my hands in mock defense. "I know you're going to say that it's not an excuse for the way he's treating me. I agree completely but he thinks it means more than it does."

  "It means that a kind man was consoling you. That's all it means." She cuts her hand through the air like a knife. "Nolan walked into that store at the exact second Wolf was comforting you. If his ego got knocked out of whack because of that, it's his problem."

  "I thought about explaining things in a text or an email but I want to tell Nolan in person. I'm not wrong for doing that, am I?"

  "It's not the kind of thing you just throw in a text, Bean." She half-shrugs. "You're not wrong for wanting to do it in person. I'm with you on that."

  "What would you do if you were me?" I lay on my back next to her. "Seriously, Ad. Don't say what you think I want to hear. Tell me what you would do if you loved a man and he was ignoring you."

  "You love him?" She rolls on her stomach. "Did you say you love him, Ellie?"

  "Yes." I turn to look at her face. "He loves me too. He said it."

  "Well, shit." She stiffens. "This changes everything."

  "How does it change everything?"

  "You fight for love." She smashes her fist into the blanket. "You defend it at all costs."

  I look up at the ceiling. "How do you fight for something you're not even sure the other person understands?"

  "You lost me."

  I trace the outline of the light fixture with my eyes. "What if the person you want to fight for doesn't understand what love is? If you love someone, do you ignore them? Is that what love is?"

  She rests her head against her hand. "I know this feels like what Tad did to you all over again, Ellie. I don't know Nolan very well, but he's a hell of a lot better than Tad."

  I thought so too until a day passed and he hadn't returned any of my calls. Then another day passed and by yesterday I started to feel everything I felt when Tad stopped talking to me.

  "When I called Nolan's assistant this afternoon, I promised myself it was the last time." I reach for my phone. "I'm not going to crawl after him forever. I tried. If he thinks I'm capable of cheating on him, maybe he's not the man for me."

  "Maybe we need to turn our phones off and take a sick day tomorrow."

  "I have an interview with the NYPD tomorrow," I point out.

  "That's in the morning." She pops up to her knees. "Tomorrow afternoon the two of us are taking the train to Boston for the weekend."

  "You want to go away for the entire weekend?" I stare at her. We haven't been to Boston together in years. "You can just leave work for two whole days?"

  "I'm not on call this weekend." She palms her phone. "Dr. Hunt hasn't even asked for my number yet. I mean for his personal use. He has it if he needs me to hold down a dog while he cleans out its ears."

  "Romance has to start somewhere, Ad."

  "Maybe in Boston?" She looks around my room. "Pack some bikinis, Bean. We are hitting Beantown tomorrow afternoon."

  "We don't need bikinis to go to Boston." I scoot to my feet. "I'm not walking the streets in next to nothing."

  "You wouldn't get one complaint."

  "You're ridiculous." I slap her shoulder. "You're also the best. This weekend will be fun, right?"

  "This weekend will be bananas and I'm not talking the kind that monkeys like."

  Monkeys.

  I look across my room to where I'd pinned the picture May drew for me to the wall. It's her, Nolan, a monkey and me. As much as I wanted that to me my life just a few days ago, I can't have it. What I can have is time away with my best friend in Boston.

  Chapter 50

  Nolan

  "Can I help you?" That sounded about as civil as it's going to considering who I said it to.

  "I'm looking for Ellie Madden." He scans the area behind me where a group of women has gathered around a new lipstick display. "She works here, right?"

  "Who's asking?" It's an empty question. I know who he is. Tad Darling in all his fucked up, suntanned skin, blond haired, bastard glory is standing in front of me.

  He gives me a once over, his eye catching on my wrist. "You rocking a Rolex, man?"

  He's not. I take some perverse pleasure in that. "I am."

  "Nice." He leans in close. Too close. I can feel his breath on my bare forearm. "You work here?"

  "I own the place."

  I don't look like I do at the moment. I was at home with May counting sheep. Literally, counting sheep in a picture book.

  When Kristof called to tell me Tad had landed in New York and was headed straight for Matiz, I took off out the door. I didn't bother to change out of the jeans and concert T-shirt
I'm wearing. I have no fucking idea how a T-shirt from the farewell concert tour of a boyband ended up hanging in my closet, but I put it on this morning.

  This is what happens when I'm walking around in an Ellie Madden daze. I pledge my allegiance to five grown men who dance in sync to songs from the nineties.

  "You're a fan of them too, hey?" He points to the T-shirt.

  I'm burning this fucking thing as soon as I'm home.

  "Why do you want to talk to Ellie?" I check the area behind him to see if Ellie is in sight.

  "I'm her fiancé." He puts too much emphasis on that last syllable. So much so that he sounds like he's trying to fake a French accent.

  Fucking douche.

  "I'm her boyfriend," I begin as I tap my shoe on the floor, "I'd say we have a problem."

  "Boyfriend?" he huffs out a laugh. "She didn't waste a minute, did she?"

  "What do you want?" I cross my arms. I think I'm her boyfriend. I don't know what I saw going down between her and Wolf, but I know what I heard in her voice this morning when I finally listened to the six voicemail messages she's left me since Sunday. They're just friends she whispered into the phone on a sob. I want to believe her. I want to believe that now more than ever.

  He mirrors my pose. "I want to speak to my fiancée."

  "Your ex-fiancée," I correct him. "What do you want to speak to her about?"

  "Things that are none of your business." He widens his stance. "I have something personal to discuss with Ellie. This has nothing to do with you, Crew."

  "It's Nolan. Nolan Black," I correct him.

  "Crew Benton owns this store," he quips with a grin. "I read that on the company website. You trying to pass yourself off as the owner, Noel?"

  "Nolan," I draw out my name on my lips as I mentally note that I need to put someone other than Crew in charge of website design. "I am the owner of Matiz, and I'm Ellie's boyfriend. Two facts you'd do well to remember."

  "Where is she?" His gaze darts around the store. "I'm only in town a few hours. I came to New York just to see Ellie."