Back to You

by Cathy Cole

  It was incredibly liberating, not to have to worry about her appearance. She splashed and chased Becca, pushing her over in the surf amid spluttered laughter. Her hair was wavy with salt water, her clothes stiff and sandy. None of it mattered. All that mattered was Becca’s laughing, teasing face, her chestnut hair blowing in the wind and her long legs kicking through the surf. Eve wondered idly what it would be like to kiss her.

  Now the thought had crossed her mind, it was hard to unthink it. Was she starting to feel something more than friendship for Becca? How did she feel about that? This was new territory for Eve. She felt scared and excited, all at the same time.

  “You’re very quiet,” Becca said by the beach fire they had built from driftwood as the sun began to set over the sea. “Penny for your thoughts.”

  Eve found she could hardly look Becca in the eye, not now she had realized she was developing feelings for her that went deeper than friendship. “I’m just thinking how fantastic you are,” she said honestly. “You’re funny, and brave, and resourceful. All the things I’m not.”

  “You’re being very harsh on yourself,” said Becca. “I think you’ve coped brilliantly with everything. I was in pieces when it happened to me. But look at you. You’re still smiling.”

  “You make me want to smile,” Eve said. Her heart thumped painfully in her chest as she said the words. What would Becca think?

  Becca prodded the fire for a few moments. Then she stood up, extending her hand towards Eve. “Do you want to go for a walk?” she asked.

  Eve stared at the hand Becca was holding out to her. She took it. It felt so natural in her own, like it was meant to be there. The moon was up now, striping the sand with silver. A romantic night. A night for kisses.

  “I want to show you something,” said Becca, leading Eve down the beach. “A magical place. Come on.”

  Eve let Becca lead her around the base of the cliff, threading through the rocks. They climbed through yellow, scented gorse bushes, finding footholds in the cliff.

  “Here we are,” said Becca a little breathlessly after five minutes of climbing. “Isn’t it beautiful?”

  They had stopped on a small plateau of rock a short way up the cliff. A mass of flowers were starting to close their petals in the moonlight around a tiny, mossy waterfall gushing from the cliff face. The rock jutted out a little way from the cliff, offering enough space for two people to sit beside the little waterfall and gaze out at the moonlit sea.

  “It’s like a fairy kingdom!” said Eve, enchanted by what she saw.

  “That’s exactly what I thought when I found it. You can almost imagine a fairy king and queen bathing in the waterfall, can’t you?”

  Eve couldn’t imagine a more romantic place for a kiss.

  Stop thinking like that, she thought, suddenly feeling scared. Becca was her friend. Nothing more. A friend who happened to be holding her hand.

  “Eve,” said Becca. “Look at me.”

  Eve stared hard at the waterfall, afraid of giving away her feelings if she looked Becca in the eye. She wasn’t ready for this. Too much was at risk. What if she was wrongly reading this situation? If Becca had just brought her here to show her the waterfall? Eve’s blood ran cold at the thought of kissing Becca and being rejected.

  She pulled her hand from Becca’s grasp. “I’d like to go back now,” she said.

  Becca looked surprised. “To the cottage?”

  Eve backed towards the little cliff path that had brought them to this beautiful spot. Her palms felt clammy. “To Heartside Bay. Rhi’s expecting me. I … I forgot to tell you she said I could stay with her this week. She’ll be worried because I haven’t been able to call her.”

  “Eve…”

  Eve slid clumsily back down to the beach. It was really dark now, and a little scary. The tide sounded like it was creeping closer. She struggled on through the rocks, trying to keep her bearings. Becca was still calling behind her.

  “Eve, what happened? What did I do?”

  I’ve just made a total fool of myself, Eve thought miserably, scraping her ankles on a rough stone as she scrambled back towards the beach. Becca would think she was mad. She had only been holding Eve’s hand to stop her from falling. These thoughts … they had no place in her friendship with Becca. She was in danger of ruining everything.

  She emerged, panting, on a small patch of sand she didn’t recognize. Was this the same beach? She couldn’t see their campfire. How many coves were there around this part of the coast?

  “Eve!”

  Eve started running in what she hoped was the direction of the cottage, and the stony track back to the main road. She hoped the buses to Heartside Bay still ran at night. With only a pound to her name, she’d have to walk at least part of the way. But anything was better than this strange and terrible feeling of dislocation, loneliness and embarrassment.

  This wasn’t right. There was no path up the cliff here. Where was she? The moon was clouding over, the sea was losing its silver stripes. All of a sudden, Eve could hardly see her own hands in front of her face. She felt half-paralysed with fear.

  “Becca?” she croaked, reaching her hands out in the darkness. “Becca! Help me!”

  “Eve! I’m coming…”

  As Becca emerged through the gloom, Eve felt more lost than ever. She wanted to hug her, but she didn’t dare.

  “I misread it back there, didn’t I?” said Becca, holding up her hands. “I didn’t mean to scare you.”

  “Misread what?” Eve stammered. She needed to know.

  “I thought you were feeling it too,” Becca said hesitantly. “The attraction.”

  Eve struggled to get a grip on the conversation. “You … you’re attracted to me?”

  The moon crept out from the cloud cover, bathing them both in sudden silver light again. Becca had sat down on a rock with her head in her hands.

  “I’ve messed up,” she said. “I’m sorry. I didn’t just leave home to ‘go exploring’, like I told you. I was kicked out.”

  Had she heard right, Eve wondered? Becca had spoken so quietly, it was hard to tell. “Why would your family kick you out?”

  Becca looked at her wearily. “Because I’m gay.”

  The words hit Eve like a punch. Becca was gay. Becca’s family had made her leave because she was gay. Even in the worst days that followed Eve’s own announcement of her sexuality, there was never any question that her family would ask her to leave her own home. Eve felt a rush of the deepest sympathy for her friend. She pulled Becca to her feet and hugged her tightly.

  “Everything’s going to be OK, Becca,” she said. “You haven’t messed up at all.”

  THIRTEEN

  “Thank you,” Becca said, holding Eve tightly. “You’re so special to me. It would kill me if I spoiled our friendship by doing something stupid. I’m sorry. Forgive me.”

  Eve breathed in the warm salty smell of Becca’s skin. “There’s nothing to forgive,” she said honestly. “You didn’t misread anything.”

  Pulling back, Becca stared at Eve. “You mean … you are attracted to me? What you said about me making you smile … you meant it like I hoped you meant it?”

  Eve felt a flush of embarrassment stealing up her cheeks. This was so different to anything she’d ever experienced with boys. She felt like she was starting all over again, feeling her way to the right words, the right gestures. “I … think so, yes.”

  Becca stroked Eve’s hair back from her face and pressed kisses on her eyelids, murmuring soft words. Eve felt a rush of anticipation, followed by a much stronger rush of fear.

  “No,” she blurted as Becca moved to kiss her on the lips. “I’m sorry Becca. I do like you, but this is all still very new to me. I’m not ready. I don’t want … I can’t…”

  Becca pulled back, folding her arms across her body and pressing her hands i
nto her armpits. Eve remembered the gesture from when they were children, when Becca had lost a game. Becca had never been very good at losing.

  “Make up your mind,” Becca said in a hard voice.

  The last thing Eve wanted was to hurt Becca’s feelings, but this was too important to rush. She reached for her friend’s arm. “There’s so much going on in my life right now, Becca,” she pleaded. “You know that. If this is going to happen, it has to happen slowly.”

  “Suit yourself,” said Becca in the same voice. “But you know something? I might not stick around. I didn’t have to come back to Heartside, you know. I have a life outside this place. Friends, job opportunities. Why should I give all that up so you can take things ‘slowly’?”

  Eve’s eyes filled with tears. This was all going wrong. “I understand that,” she said as bravely as she could.

  “You don’t understand anything.” Becca stepped back from Eve’s reaching arms. “I’m tired. Are you coming back to the cottage or scurrying back to your friend in town?”

  “I’m coming back to the cottage,” Eve said humbly. “If you’ll have me.”

  “Suit yourself,” said Becca again. She walked off. Feeling heartsick, Eve followed.

  The evening was strained and silent. Becca made the fire and set the eggs to scramble on the flames. Stroking the little key on her pendant, Eve tried and failed a dozen times to make the conversation flow.

  “When did you know you were gay?”

  “What kind of question is that?” Becca snapped. “I always knew, OK? It wasn’t like one day I decided to flick the gay switch.”

  Eve tried a different tack. “Have you had many girlfriends?”

  “A few. What’s that to you?”

  Eve knew Becca was hurting inside. She tried to ignore the anger in her friend’s voice. “I want to know about you, Becca.”

  “Sure,” said Becca. “‘Slowly.’”

  She stalked outside into the dark garden. Eve hesitated, wondering whether or not to follow her. Becca couldn’t be angry with her for ever, could she?

  None of this is fair, she thought. I haven’t done anything wrong.

  She went outside, following the sound of water. Becca was working the pump hard, filling the pail with her back to Eve. It was worth one more try, Eve decided. Then she would give up.

  “I’m just asking you to be patient, Becca,” she said out loud.

  “We have short lives, Eve.” Becca lifted the pail and pushed past Eve towards the cottage. “I hate it when people are afraid to live.”

  Was she afraid to live? It was a question Eve had never considered before. She felt worse than ever. Why was this so hard?

  Becca suddenly stopped, sniffing the air. “What’s that smell?”

  Eve remembered with a lurch. “The eggs!” she said. “I left them on the fire!”

  Becca muttered under her breath, dumping the water pail in the kitchen. “What were you thinking? That your maid would somehow appear and finish cooking your meal for you? Those eggs cost money, and you just wrecked them! We won’t eat tonight thanks to you. Welcome to the real world, princess.”

  Something snapped inside Eve. “Stop it!” she screamed, pressing her hands to her ears as tears gushed from her eyes. She pictured her dad in his stinking prison cell, her mother and sister living it up in Paris. Her clothes were filthy, her hair was like a bird’s nest. She was lost, and the only person whose good opinion she wanted was looking at her like she was dirt. “I’m doing my best, OK? I’m sorry it’s not very good, but it’s the best I can do!”

  She ran out of the house, stumbling blindly along the track towards the road. She would find the petrol-station shop and beg the shopkeeper to sell her something for the last pound she owned. Something that Becca could have, to make up for the precious eggs. Then she would run away from here, go somewhere where no one knew her. She didn’t care where. Anywhere would be better than here.

  She felt an arm grab her and spin her round and Becca was there, holding her, soothing her, stroking her hair and kissing her cheeks.

  “I’m sorry, Eve … I’m so sorry … I understand you’re scared. I’m a horrible cow for pushing you like that, with everything you’ve been through this week. I’d waited so long to find you … and then when I did, and it looked like maybe you felt something for me like I did for you, then I lost it. I’m sorry. I can wait. Take as long as you need. I want to be with you, but if friendship is all you can give me right now, I’ll take it. I’ll always be here for you. Don’t hate me.”

  Eve wept until her eyes felt raw. “I don’t hate you,” she sobbed. “I hate myself.”

  They stood there in the darkness, holding each other like life rafts in a storm. Becca was the only person who understood what Eve was going through, on every conceivable level. Eve knew how rare that was. She was inexpressibly grateful that Becca had come to find her, given her shelter and rest, food and hope. She was excited by Becca’s declarations of affection and frightened by her own reactions to this strange and unknown world. But in the dark chaos of her confusion, she knew one thing.

  They would make this work, whatever it was. Whatever it took.

  FOURTEEN

  Eve was awake in the night, shivering in the blanket on the sagging sofa beside Becca’s sleeping form, staring up at the moonlit ceiling with its peeling paint and dreaming of her huge duck-down duvet and Egyptian cotton sheets, her bathroom with its shelves of scented bath oils and hair treatments and her wardrobes stuffed with warm jumpers and clean underwear. She’d had no idea how lucky she was. Why couldn’t she have enjoyed those things more while she had them? She was stiff and tired, but her mind wouldn’t switch off from all the emotions of the day – the campfire, the fairy waterfall, that electric moment on the beach when they might have kissed, Becca’s cold anger, all of it.

  At some point in the small hours, Eve must have dropped off. When she roused to the sound of rain on the windows, she realized no one was asleep on the sofa beside her. She sat up, rubbing her eyes.

  “Becca?”

  She heard the clump of feet on the doormat. Becca came in, shaking the rain from her hair and jacket. “Hey, sleeping beauty,” she said smiling. She waved a five-pound note in the air. “Treat time.”

  It was crazy how a single five-pound note could make Eve’s heart sing.

  “Where did you get that?” she gasped.

  “Gran’s old fruit patch at the end of the garden? The netting has held the birds off pretty well. I picked currants and gooseberries this morning, plus a basket of the wild strawberries we were eating yesterday, and sold the lot to the shop. I’m taking you out to breakfast.”

  Becca took off her jacket and shook it one more time, spraying raindrops around the room and revealing a T-shirt covered in fruit juice stains.

  “If we’re going out for breakfast, don’t you want to change?” said Eve without thinking.

  Becca snorted with laughter. “Prada frock and Mary Janes coming right up – not. Just brush your teeth and come, will you? This place is half an hour’s walk away from here.”

  Becca had never been as interested in fashion as Eve, now Eve came to think of it. It was more ponies, and animals – things like that. Right now the jeans Becca was wearing looked like they would be able to stand up on their own, and it was hard to tell the original colour of her stained T-shirt. The bandana she wore around her chestnut hair looked like it could use a wash too.

  Eve brushed her teeth and chose a matching jumper and skirt. Becca may not care how she looks, but I do, she thought as she pulled on the linen jacket she had packed at the last minute, and grabbed a handbag. So what if she was broke? She could still have style.

  “Very posh,” said Becca with a laugh when Eve emerged. “You’re going to be wet through in five minutes.”

  Eve wished Becca would let up sometimes. “I don’t
have anything else,” she said. She’d been saying that a lot lately.

  Becca grinned. “Come on, Queen Eve. I’m sure the folks at the Happy Café will have polished the silver cutlery just for you.”

  The rain had eased off a little, but not much. Struggling up the track, doing her best to avoid the puddles, Eve found herself thinking about how different she and Becca were. They shared a lot of common experiences, but that was it. Becca was down-to-earth and straight-talking. She told the truth; there was no game playing. She didn’t care about clothes, or things. How could a romantic relationship between them ever work?

  It would be a huge mistake to get involved, Eve felt sure of it. Becca was a wanderer. She had magically appeared in Eve’s life just when she needed her most, but she would most likely disappear just as easily.

  The Happy Café was a diner a little closer to Heartside Bay than the cottage. Its cheerful yellow and red awning had seen better days, and the windows were fogged up from the rain.

  “Let’s sit by the window,” Becca suggested as they stamped their wet feet on the mat and looked around the busy little restaurant.

  “Can we sit somewhere near a plug?” Eve asked. “I really need to charge my phone.”

  By happy coincidence, a corner table by the window was also neatly positioned by an electric socket. Eve plugged in her phone as Becca signalled for a waiter.

  Almost at once, a host of messages came streaming on to the screen.

  Eve, Dad needs to talk to you about the wedding show on Sat.

  Call me! R xx

  Are you still doing the wedding show? Dad’s going nuts. R xx

  Eve, get in touch will you? Dad needs to know what’s happening! R xx

  “The wedding show!” Eve gasped. She had completely forgotten the deal she’d made with Rhi’s dad, about helping out at the Heartbeat Café for the wedding suppliers on Saturday.

  “What wedding show?” asked Becca as the waitress delivered two mugs of tea.

  “A show I said I’d help with … Rhi’s dad is going to pay me to help decorate and organize everything. It’s tomorrow!”