The Trouble With Before

by Portia Moore

  “Think about it. It was easier for us to deal with this when you weren’t here, and now all of a sudden, you’re back.”

  “A-are you talking about Willa or you?” I say, a hint of sharpness in my voice.

  “My family,” he says quietly.

  He’s talking about Ms. Scott.

  “Look, I’m not here to cause trouble or make things any more difficult than they already are. Trust me, I have enough on my own plate.”

  “Do you want to see her?” he asks, and my heart skips a beat.

  “Yes.”

  There’s more quiet.

  “Is tomorrow good?” he asks.

  “Yeah, it’s great. I can have Aidan pick her up, if that’s easier.”

  There’s a brief pause. “Let me know if he can pick her up from school.”

  “Sounds good.”

  As soon I hang up, I hear the door open. I walk over to the sink and splash water on my face.

  “I’ve got tacos! Chicken, steak, and guacamole,” Aidan says triumphantly, his wide smile showing all of his perfect teeth.

  “I told you I could buy dinner tonight,” I tell him, a little disappointed.

  He waves me off as he passes me with the white greasy bag containing all sorts of deliciousness. “Don’t worry about it. You’re unemployed, and most unemployed people are broke or should be saving.”

  “That wasn’t blunt at all,” I say coolly.

  “You know me.” He shrugs, unpacking his food.

  “I talked to Will,” I tell him before diving into my tacos.

  “It’s still so weird to hear you call him Will.”

  My cheeks heat up. I tell him about the brief, awkward conversation we had, and he looks as if he’s only half listening until I get to the part about Willa.

  “Sure, I’ll swing by there and grab her. I miss the little runt,” he says, surprising me.

  “You miss her?”

  “Yeah, I haven’t seen her in about a week. Remind me I owe her five dollars,” he adds.

  I’m really shocked now. “You see her . . . a lot?”

  “Yeah, I keep an eye on her when Ms. Red has stuff to do and Mr. Scott isn’t around, and when Grams is gone, that’s who feeds me,” He jokes. “Not Willa, Ms. Red, but she’s already started teaching Willa to cook, so I wouldn’t be surprised . . .”

  “Oh,” is all I can say, wondering if I’m doing a good job of hiding my embarrassment. I have no clue what’s been going on in Willa’s or Aidan’s life. It weirds me out that I’m getting this information from Aidan. “How has she been?”

  “She’s doing good. She’s a great a kid. Really good at Uno, and spelling apparently. Don’t bet her money on Uno. She’s a tiny card shark.” He laughs, but I can’t seem to even muster up a smile. My stomach feels sort of sick, and my mood has completely plummeted. “Leese, she’s been really happy.”

  I nod emphatically. I knew she would be. I knew that Will and Ms. Scott were amazing parents to Chris and I hoped they would be to her, but I can’t stop the feeling gnawing at me. I’ve never felt it before, and I can’t describe it. But since I can’t change our lives, I shake it off and bite into another taco.

  My stomach has been on edge all day, nerves shooting through me. I’ve sort of felt sick, but that’s probably due to those crappy prenatal pills I’ve been taking and not the fact that Willa will be here any minute.

  I’ve got the Uno cards, the pizza’s ordered, I bought a ton of junk food, and all the princess movies I could find are queued up. I do a full-body shake, trying to literally shake off my nerves. I don’t know why I feel like this. It’s not as if I’m meeting her for the first time.

  I worked with kids for practically the past five years of my life, but with Willa, it’s always been different. It should be since she’s my daughter—well, not my daughter. I’m her birth mom. Whenever I was around her, I’d always have to remind myself of my role. Not that it was hard. Danni was a great mom, all the things I wish my own mother was. Just the thought of being a mom like Evie made dealing with the little tugs on my heart a whole lot easier.

  I’m snapped out of my thoughts when I hear the door shut on Aidan’s truck. Then I hear them laughing and talking. I take a deep breath and open the door to meet them.

  “Leese!” she squeals as soon as she sees me, running up the stairs with her blond hair flying.

  “Hey, Willa bear,” I say, scooping her up in my arms. “Oh my God, you’re so heavy now.”

  Aidan follows her, carrying her pink-and-white book bag. He beams at me.

  “I’m not heavy,” she protests with a pout as I put her down.

  “I’ve got so much stuff planned for us today. What do you want to do first? Watch a movie? Or do you need help with your homework? Today is all about you!” I tell her as we walk into the house.

  “Yay! I only have one sheet today. Afterward, can we play Uno, then watch Frozen?”

  I glance at Aidan, who gives me an I-told-you-so look.

  “Whatever you want!” I tell her. Her excitement is contagious.

  I help her with the one page of math homework she has. Turns out she hates math and her favorite subject is spelling, but she’s not really sure if it’s her favorite because she also really likes to read. She tells me about her teacher, Mr. Onlin, who she doesn’t like as much as her teacher the year before, Ms. Grace, and her best friend in the whole world is named Nicole, who she has a sleepover with next week.

  We play five games of Uno. She wins all but one, and I have a strong inkling she only let Aidan win because he was being such a crybaby about it. Right now I have three cards, Aidan has two, and from the smug grin on his face, it looks as though he may take this hand. He throws down two Draw Fours and declares Uno. I look at Willa, who frowns and starts to pull from the deck. Then she snatches her hand back and puts down her two Draw Fours triumphantly.

  “Uno and out!” she squeals.

  I burst into laughter at Aidan’s shocked expression.

  “I can’t wait until you’re twenty-one. We’re heading straight to Vegas,” Aidan says, shaking his head in disbelief as she sweeps all of the coins and candy in the pile toward her chest.

  “Who taught you how to play this game?” I ask in laughter as she pats Aidan’s hand sympathetically.

  “I did!” Aidan says, throwing up his hands.

  Willa giggles.

  “One more game,” Aidan pleads, and she gives a contemplative look.

  “Okay, but for five bucks,” she tells him.

  He scoffs but pulls out a five-dollar bill and puts it on the table. I sit out this game and watch them play. Willa pummels him, then we watch Frozen. She recites all the words to it while she braids my hair.

  “Doesn’t Leese look like Elsa?” she asks as Aidan pretends to be interested in the movie—well, I think he’s pretending. I can’t help but grin that Willa’s started to call me Aidan’s nickname for me.

  He glances at me, then back at the movie and squints really hard. “Nah, Leese looks more like Olaf.”

  I throw a pillow at him, and Willa joins in, then we’re having a full-on pillow fight, or more like we’re attacking Aidan with pillows. He finally picks Willa up and throws her on the couch. I smack him directly in the face, and before I know it, he’s picked me up and tosses me over his shoulder as if I’m a feather, one arm locking my legs against his chest. I squeal and call to Willa for help. She hits him several times with all her might, and he finally pretends to be defeated, letting me down and flopping on the couch.

  I try to catch my breath, attributing the loss of it to all the laughter rather than his hand on my thigh. It rests on my leg so easily, as if it belongs there. His head is on my shoulder and I let mine rest on his. It’s all innocent, natural, nothing erotic about it, but these touches seem more sensual than every time I had sex with Brett. I ignore how hard Aidan’s body felt under mine and how warm his skin is on me and how I haven’t felt like that since . . .

  “Let’s do
it again!” Willa squeals, hitting Aidan and me with the pillow.

  He jumps off the couch, picks her up, and twirls her around as she has a giggling fit. I look on, amused and still a little stunned at how good Aidan is with her. I guess he’s an overgrown man-child so it makes sense, but it’s so genuine, as though he’s really her friend and they’re really having fun.

  After the epic pillow fight, the pizza arrives, and we all sit down and tear into it. Turns out Willa’s favorite is sausage with extra cheese, just like me, and I’m stunned that she eats it backward too. Aidan tells us we’re weirdos.

  “Are you still writing your stories?” Willa asks.

  My mouth falls open. I’m a little surprised she remembers.

  “What stories?” Aidan asks.

  “When I stayed with Lisa, she wrote fairy tales for me to read, but she didn’t finish them,” she tells him.

  He looks at me in surprise. “You wrote fairy tales?”

  “It was really stupid,” I say, sort of embarrassed.

  Willa frowns. “No, they weren’t. They were good!”

  A smile spreads across Aidan’s face.

  “It was just something silly,” I say, my whole face feeling as if it was set on fire.

  “Didn’t you used to do some writing in high school?” Aidan asks, and I’m a little surprised he just doesn’t keep making fun of me.

  “Here and there,” I say, rolling a sausage bit between my fingers.

  “Can you finish it for me?” Willa asks, looking at me with big puppy eyes. “It was the best story.”

  I can’t help but smile. “Better than Frozen?”

  “It’s not finished yet, so I don’t know,” she counters, and Aidan shakes his head.

  My phone vibrates, and I already know that it’s Will. I pick it up and read his text saying it’s time for Willa to come home.

  “It’s getting late, Willa bear,” I say, and she pouts.

  “Can I stay just a little longer?”

  I look at Aidan. “Your dad says it’s time to head home, but next time, I’ll see if you can spend the night.”

  Aidan looks at me in surprise. The words kind of slipped out before I had a chance to censor them.

  “Yay!” she squeals.

  I pack up the rest of the pizza and junk food and hand it off to Aidan. Then I give her a big hug, and she makes me promise that next time she can spend the night. I tell her, without a bit of reluctance or hesitation, that if it’s okay with Will, then she’s more than welcome to stay.

  When Aidan gets back, I’m in bed, reading the last of a book I was finishing. He knocks, and I tell him to come in. When he does, he’s wearing one of my favorite smiles, a wide grin that showcases his deep dimples.

  “What are you smiling at?” I ask, my smile matching his.

  “Nothing. You were great today,” he says, his tone free of smugness.

  I feel a moment of bashfulness. “She made it really easy. You did too. You’re really good with her.”

  He sits at the end of the bed, his weight shifting it. “Willa’s a great kid.” He turns toward me and chuckles. “And God, I never realized how much she looks like you,” he says almost in amazement.

  “Yeah, us Gregorys have really strong genes, I guess,” I relent with a shrug.

  “And a really strong swing. I think I pulled a muscle,” he jokes, rubbing the back of his neck.

  “How was Will when you dropped her off?”

  He immediately tenses up and lets out a deep breath. “He looked really glad to see her. Relieved almost.”

  I roll my eyes. “What, did he think I was going to kidnap her or something? I’d hate to see what happens when I ask to get her overnight.” I sigh.

  He’s quiet, looking down at his large hands. They’re so big and would swallow mine. He looks contemplative, and it makes my chest tight.

  “Why do you think you’ll be a bad mom?” he asks quietly.

  I have to blink. That’s Aidan, cutting right through the bullshit. “Well . . .” I try to figure out the best words to say. I can give him a million reasons, but he probably wouldn’t understand them, so I go for the simplest explanation. “Obviously I don’t make the best decisions.”

  “You were great with her today,” he says with such sincerity that it scares me.

  I look away from him and glue my eyes on my hands. “That’s one day, Aidan. One day with your help. I mean, I know I’m not some monster and kids are amazing. I love them. I do well with them. I couldn’t have been a teacher if I wasn’t, but . . . today was the easy part. It’s easy to play with them and give them pizza and candy and watch movies, but being a mother is so much more than that.”

  He looks at me intently.

  “And Willa is about to be nine years old. She’s easy now. She’s like a little person. I wasn’t there during the hard parts, like potty training, and immunizations. The crying all night, helping her learn to walk and talk.” I’m breathing so fast I can see my chest rising and falling. “It’s only going to get harder from here. I don’t know how to raise a little girl. Let’s be honest, I learned from Evie. How can I help Willa with the important choices in life? Every decision I’ve made has been wrong. It’s like taking the most difficult road is ingrained in me. I just pray to God, for her sake and this baby inside me, that it’s not genetic.”

  I let out a deep breath. My eyes meet his, and I let out a small laugh when I see his grin.

  “You glad you got that out?” he asks.

  “Yeah. It felt really good actually.” I feel as though a thousand pounds just slid off my chest.

  He stands, stretching his long body upward. I look away as his stomach, etched with a six-pack, is revealed.

  “By the way, I think you could do anything you put your mind to, including being an amazing mom.”

  My stomach falls several levels as his eyes pierce mine. My heart feels as if it slows down. I swallow hard.

  “If you keep this up, I’m going to think you’ve grown into a decent human being,” I say playfully, trying to cut through the intensity of the moment.

  “Nah, but I can pretend to be sometimes,” he retorts. “Night, Leese.”

  He walks out and closes the door, leaving me confused. When did my friend/sparring mate become this supportive, thoughtful man who knows exactly how to make me smile? Well, he always kind of knew how to make me smile or die laughing.

  The butterflies that have made a colony in my stomach are probably just the hormones. I know it’s the hormones, because the only other explanation is that I’m developing a crush on Aidan Riles . . .

  Nah, it’s definitely the hormones.

  “AIDAN JACKSON GRUENNEL Riles, who is that little blond thing in our guest room?”

  I open my eyes to see Grams standing over me, her grey hair pulled up in a ponytail, her hands on her hips, and a scowl on her face. I sit up in bed, letting out a yawn. “Oh, she’s not a random girl, Grams. That’s Lisa.”

  “Lisa . . . Lisa, Lisa?” she asks, her abrasiveness slowly sliding away.

  “That’s the one,” I say, turning on the lamp and closing my eyes. “Glad you’re back. Are you making breakfast?”

  She pulls the covers off me, and I squint at the light.

  “How is she? I’ve missed her around here. The only girl who can keep your ass in line.” She chuckles, and I roll my eyes. “How long is she staying?”

  I realize she’s not letting me go back to sleep, so I sit up in bed. “Until she gets a job. I sort of gave her the guest room,” I say, putting on the T-shirt she tosses at me.

  “She’s back?” Grams sounds as surprised as I was when Lisa arrived on my doorstep.

  “For a while at least.”

  “What’s wrong?” she asks me suspiciously.

  “Nothing, she just needed a change of scenery, I guess.” I shrug, making sure not to look her in the eye. My grams can always tell when I’m lying.

  “I’ll ask her myself. You get washed up. I’m going to
make a big breakfast to celebrate,” she says before leaving the room.

  As soon as she does, I fall back into bed.

  “I mean it, Aidan,” she shouts from down the hall. That lady has freakin’ superpowers.

  By the time I’m out of the shower, I can hear Lisa and Grams chatting away like two old friends.

  “I’ve always wanted to go to California. Maybe John and I will go this year.”

  I roll my eyes as I walk into the kitchen, and Lisa raises an eyebrow at me.

  “Don’t mind him. Aidan would prefer that his old grandma doesn’t have a sex life.”

  “Ugh, Grams, no one wants to think about geriatric sex.” I pretend to vomit before she slaps me on the back of the head.

  “I’m in my prime, and John makes me feel young again. Not just young, but young and happy.”

  I look at Lisa, who seems to love seeing me squirm.

  “That’s awesome, Grams! How did you guys meet?” she says, egging her on.

  “Please, not before breakfast.”

  “Oh please, you’re probably sharing your man juice with the whole county.” Grams laughs.

  I scrunch up my face and ask in disbelief, “Man juice?”

  Lisa is laughing her ass off now.

  “You’d think he’d be more progressive about his old grandma having a little fun,” she says as she sets a plate of waffles and bacon in front of me.

  I want to indignantly push it away, but it smells so good. Who am I kidding? I’m not the type to be indignant about anything.

  “All the while, I’m still cleaning up his room, picking up his undies, and feeding him like he’s a little boy.”

  I stuff a whole waffle in my mouth and shake my head.

  “Aww, Grams, stop. He’s turning red,” Lisa says.

  I give her the middle finger but put it down before Grams sees.

  “I am going to miss him next year though,” Grams says, squeezing my cheeks. “So, Lisa, what are you interviewing for today?”

  I look at Lisa, surprised. She didn’t mention anything to me about an interview.

  “I have a meeting with my old boss. Not really an interview, but he may be able to get me one,” she reveals, seeming embarrassed.