Work What You Got

by Stephanie Perry Moore

  “Girl, will you quit that! You mentioned that last night. Cute’s gonna get you killed,” Chandra said.

  Bridget swerved off the road and she joked, “Be nice to the driver. I can get you killed too. I’m behind the wheel.”

  “Girl, don’t lose your mind,” Chandra said to her.

  The four of us laughed and joked all the way back home. Bridget and I still had splitting headaches, so we pulled over so Chandra could drive.

  “Black women just don’t like asking for help. We think we can do it all and be it all,” Chandra said when she got behind the wheel. “I mean Bridget, you knew you were tired and weren’t feeling well. Why didn’t you just ask somebody else to drive?”

  “I don’t know,” she said. “I’m just used to carrying a load.”

  “Yeah,” Myra agreed. “It’s very rare that other people pick up the slack for you or want to help, so you just have to learn how to deal with it and move on.”

  “Shouldn’t our friendship be more?” I responded from the backseat. “Shouldn’t we be bold enough to tell each other when we’re not doing the right thing and strong enough to know that the criticism is coming for the right reasons?”

  “Yes, so hear me,” Chandra said. “You care about Creed and you care about those Beta girls. All you can do is let people know what’s really going on in your heart. If they can’t accept you after that, then don’t worry about it. It’s not on you. But you’re not a coward and you’re not perfect. So stand up and speak the truth. I think when you’re really deep and true with the people you really care about, you’ll be surprised at their reaction.”

  “Thanks,” I said to her, and then I leaned back and prayed that all of my problems would just go away.

  It was Pi Lambda Beta week and they were having an all-night outdoor slam filled with music, food and dancing. It must’ve been a night of new beginnings for me, because I stepped into the place wearing my Beta Gamma Pi letters. Even though I knew I was ostracized by my peers, those letters were still a part of me. Myra stood beside me with her Rho Tau Nu brown and peach T-shirt on and Bridget was on the other side sporting silver and gold. Chandra had some studying to do so she didn’t make it.

  Then of course a group of my line sisters walked in and cut between us, pushing me on my shoulder. It was rather rude. As soon as I could see who it was that pushed me, I was not shocked to see Bea.

  But then a familiar voice said, “That was really rude.”

  When I looked over my other shoulder, I was surprised to see Trisha. I wanted to hug her, but I quickly remembered our relationship was strained. My feet didn’t walk away, but I didn’t move toward her either.

  She smiled and said, “Hey Hayden. I haven’t seen you in months. I hear you’re on the outs like me. Not that you did anything to deserve it, but I’m sort of tired of being ostracized. I did wrong and I needed to come out of hiding, so here I am.”

  “We’ll let you two talk,” Myra said, pulling Bridget away.

  “Do we have to leave?” Bridget said under her breath.

  “I’ll catch up with you two later,” I laughed. I had such great friends, ready to give me privacy to work out my differences with my soror.

  “You hate me, don’t you?” Trisha said boldly when I didn’t return her smile.

  “No, I don’t hate you. You probably hate me for exposing it all. I had to be the one to try to do what’s right, and I think I just ended up pushing everyone away.”

  “No, you were right to call me out, even though it hurt. I think it’s made me better. I’ve cheated on tests in school. I’ve stolen a pair of jeans from the mall. I’ve even told the bank that I deposited more money than I really had, and convinced them their system was wrong,” Trisha confessed. Her news shocked me. “I don’t know, I’ve always been just trying to get it worked out. It’s just hard. Not having money to go to school messed me up in some other areas. Breaking the law is never good. You pushed for me to be treasurer when we were voting that day. You believed that I would have your back and do what was right and I didn’t. I let you down.”

  “It’s alright, girl. We all mess up,” I said, remembering I needed grace myself and giving her a big hug.

  “Do you mean it? Hayden, really? You forgive me?”

  “Girl, I am not God and I’m certainly no jury.”

  She said, “Thanks for convincing the girls to help me raise the money I needed to pay the sorority back. I won’t have to go to jail. I can’t even tell you how much I owe you. What can I do?”

  “Just be you,” I said to her, really happy that though the chapter hated helping her, we did something good for Trisha.

  “You sure you want me to do that?” she said, reflecting on her past.

  “Okay, well be a better you than you have ever been before. But you can’t get away from who you are, Trisha. You can’t run away from things that tempt you. You have got to fix you from the inside, or when no one’s looking you’ll mess up again.”

  “I hear what you’re saying,” she said, as she started smiling. “Well, hey, it looks like somebody wants to talk to you. We’ll chat later.”

  “Huh?” I said, confused.

  Then she pointed behind me. When I turned, my eyes got so wide. It was Creed.

  “I was hoping you’d come out tonight,” he said, cutting straight to the chase. “I miss you, girl.”

  Then all of a sudden, Butch appeared on my right and Butch started yanking on my arm. “Hey, wait a minute! We ain’t gonna have none of that here. I told you, man. I’m trying to get with her.”

  “Ow!” I yelled, as I felt him squeeze me.

  “Man, let her go.”

  “You ain’t gonna tell me what to do!” Butch said, pushing Creed back.

  “You ain’t gonna tell me what to do. Let her go!” Creed shouted.

  “Please let my hand go, ow!” I said, yanking it away.

  Of course Myra and Bridget came over to my side quickly. Everybody piled around Creed and the jerk.

  “I know you my frat brother, boy, but I’m tired of you pushing me around. You ain’t even gotta haze me no more, I already got my letters,” Creed hollered out.

  “You will do whatever I say, when I say it.” He came over and pushed Creed again.

  “You better get Creed out of here,” Myra said to me. “He needs to be away from that crazy fool.”

  “Come on, Creed, let’s go. He ain’t even worth it,” I said, as I tugged at Creed’s arm.

  “I got this, Hayden, please! I’m sick and tired of his big mouth. Always trying to get up in my face.”

  “Oh, you gonna let your woman try to come and tell you to get away from the fire. Wimp,” Butch said.

  “That’s just the point. Now, you get it. She ain’t yours,” Creed said to him.

  “Whatever, man.”

  “Come on, Creed, let it go. Let him call us whatever names he wants. Let’s go.” Creed finally walked with me away from Butch.

  Butch yelled, “I don’t want her stuck-up, virgin tail no way. She ain’t gonna want you after she know all the honeys you been hittin’ since you got your letters.”

  Automatically, my heart sank to the ground. If Creed wanted to stand there and argue with him, that was his choice. I could no longer deal with it. I knew Creed and I weren’t together, but a part of my heart belonged to him and it hurt to hear he had been with other girls. Before we could be reunited, clearly we were through, ’cause his heart did not belong to me.

  “Hayden, wait up, wait up! Come on now, please, wait up!” Creed said to me as I walked to my car. “Come on now. Give me a chance to explain.”

  “What? What do you have to say to me? Was Butch lying?”

  I got no answer. I threw my hands in the air—his silence was proof he was a dog. “Okay then. Just let me go.”

  Bridget’s voice was behind me. “Wait up, Hayden. Here we come.”

  Then I heard Myra tell Creed, “Please, just let her go. She’s been through a lot. She can’t
deal with this right now.”

  “And to think I told her you weren’t messing with nobody,” Bridget said in a nasty way, which was so the opposite of my friend.

  Those two were being so sweet. I loved their support of me dearly. I so learned that being there for your friend through anything was what every friend should try and do.

  “Nah, y’all, I need to talk to her,” I heard Creed say. “I need to talk to her now.”

  I just kept walking. Creed needed to go back to the party and walk on up to another girl. Yes, he was fine, smart, and now a Pi, but so what.

  He ran up to me all out of breath and said, “Please, please give me a chance to explain.”

  “You just stood in my face and told me that you miss me, but you forgot to tell me the part that you have been with other girls. Is that true?”

  “It’s not true.”

  “What’s not true?”

  “Okay, okay. I was with this one girl, but I was drunk. I was thinking about you and it was a mess.”

  All of a sudden, he spoke to my core. I knew what it was like not to be perfect. I had just come back from spring break and I come close to doing the exact same thing. Because I didn’t go all the way, did that mean I was better than him?

  “I’ll talk to him, y’all,” I said to Bridget and Myra as they stood by, always having my back.

  “I’ll bring her home,” he told them.

  “You cool with that?” Myra asked.

  “Well, she knows him. It’s not like he’s gonna slip something in her drink like the other guy,” Bridget said, then she covered her lips as her eyes widened at what she’d let slip.

  “Girl, hush!” Myra said.

  “What do you mean, somebody slipped something in your drink? It wasn’t ...” He didn’t even finish before he turned, ready to go back to the house.

  “No! It wasn’t Butch,” I said, holding him back before he went in to have the fight he had just walked away from. “I got this, y’all. I’m cool. He’ll bring me home.”

  We drove around town, not stopping at any particular destination. I didn’t want him over to my house. I didn’t want to go to his. We were together, but we weren’t even speaking to one another. Could our relationship even be fixed? Could we find our way back to each other? Could we have a relationship that was worth something? I think both of us were pondering those thoughts.

  “You hungry?” Creed asked, finally breaking the silence.

  “Yeah,” I said, knowing we had left the Pi slam before the ribs and chicken got on the grill.

  “Yeah, I could have a little bite to eat. I remember when I took you to that restaurant on the other side of town. You were diggin’ the Philly cheesesteak sandwich. Want another one of those?”

  “Yeah, that’d be great,” I told him.

  When we got to the restaurant, as soon as we were seated, Creed said, “I’m sorry.”

  “For what?” I asked him.

  “Letting you down. Carrying on with some other girl I didn’t even like just to satisfy myself. I came away feeling emptier than before I even messed with her. I’m just a typical frat guy now, hit ’em and leave ’em.”

  “Maybe that’s why I like you. Because I know you care more than that.”

  Creed asked, “You think the letters got to the both of us? Pulled us too far apart?”

  “I was such a horrible leader in my sorority.”

  “Yeah, I wasn’t too great in our relationship either,” he said.

  “What do you mean?”

  “Well, I got a little jealous that you were all excited about Beta Gamma Pi. So when my frat called me, I was the first one there. I tried to spend time with you, but there were times when you were busy and it just seemed like it happened all the time when I wanted to hang out with you. I tried to voice my opinion but I didn’t know if you were really hearing me.”

  “Wow,” I said.

  “Yeah, wow. I’m admitting this to you because I was wrong. I should have worked with you to help you find a balance. Call you out in a way that made sense so you could understand what I needed. I know you care about me.”

  “I do,” I said to him. “I was with that guy on spring break, just frustrated and mad because I didn’t have you.”

  “I don’t want to scare you, Hayden, but I do want us to try again.”

  “Why would that scare me?”

  “Because when a man can’t stop thinking about a woman, when he’s with somebody else and he’s still thinking about that woman, you know he loves that lady.”

  “What?” I said.

  “I love you,” he said boldly.

  17

  GLORY

  It felt like I was hearing the Heavenly angels sing when Creed said he loved me. I jumped up from the table so quickly and leapt into his arms. I had been fighting my feelings for him, but now I knew from the very core that he owned my heart. It wasn’t just that he was handsome or that he was Greek, he truly was there for me, like my housemates. He wasn’t putting up with any of my stuff, but he was kind even when I drove him away. I knew I shouldn’t have neglected him—a mistake that I hoped I would never make again. With ketchup on my lip from the Philly cheesesteak sandwich, I kissed him and the few people in the restaurant applauded.

  “You’ve never been one to show emotion in public, now look at you,” he said.

  “You said you loved me. The thing is, I love you too.” Then he kissed me again.

  Whistles and cheers came from our audience at that point. For the next hour, he and I sat and talked about all the things we had wanted to tell each other while we were apart.

  As we rode home, I looked out of the window. I was so very thankful to have another chance with Creed, but there was still a hole burning my soul.

  Tuning in to my feelings, he stroked the side of my cheek and said, “You want to get things right with the Betas, huh?”

  I just smiled. No need to say it. I mean it was obvious, but how? I thought time would mend things, instead it just made them worse. I didn’t even know who the Betas had decided to make president. My mom had even encouraged me to talk to them, but I just couldn’t face them. Besides, the little shove I received at the party showed they obviously weren’t thinking kindly about me. Yeah, in my mind, I knew the damage was too far gone to be reversed. Though technically I was a part of them, in my heart I didn’t feel like I was at all. I looked back out of the window. I couldn’t even face Creed to answer his question.

  “Talk to me,” my guy said, truly into me.

  “It’s just not going to work out for me to be a Beta anymore, Creed. And if you want a girlfriend who is Greek, then maybe I am not the girl for you.”

  “Wait now, don’t even play me like that,” he said. “If you’re not active with them that’s not going to make me not want to be with you. Give me more credit than that. I just told you I loved you. I’ve never said those words to a girl ever—my feelings for you are deep. They are also real. I’m not saying I deserve any praise. I’m just saying, give me the benefit of the doubt.”

  “I’m sorry,” I said. All he was trying to do was be someone I could talk to and work off of. But once again, I put my foot in my mouth. “I guess only God can help me work all of this out.”

  “Well, have you talked to Him? Have you prayed about it?”

  “That’s interesting—I can’t even remember the last time I prayed. I’ve just been going through the motions. That’s how I ended up with some guy I didn’t know, wishing I was with you and ... you don’t want to hear all of that,” I said, realizing I was talking too much.

  “RIGHT! I don’t want to hear all of that. I wish I would have known that you wanted to work things out with me. My spring break was miserable, Hayden, because I didn’t know where you were. Maybe your girls are miserable without you around them too.”

  “They haven’t called.”

  “I haven’t called you either. Sometimes people are afraid of rejection. They kicked you out, what do they look like
coming back asking for forgiveness and for you to come back. I’m sorry, but I know them.”

  “Well, I saw a couple of them tonight at your party. One of them brushed by me and never said excuse me. It was like an intentional jab. There’s nothing that can be fixed between us.”

  “Well, like you said, maybe nothing you can fix on your own. But if you believe in the One up above in Heaven and you know He granted your desire by allowing you to be a member of the organization in the first place, then He can show you how to resolve this with His word. I don’t know many scriptures, but I certainly know about the one where it goes, ‘Come to me all ye who are weary and heavy laden.’ ”

  “Yeah,” I said, “ ‘And I will give you rest ... Place your cares upon me because my yoke is easy and my burden is light.’ ”

  “See, you feel it. You can even quote it,” Creed said to me. “Stand on it, Hayden.”

  We were at my door. I hugged him tight and said, “Thanks Lord, for giving me this guy. Let us do it your way. Amen. Now Creed, get out of here. I’m fine.”

  “No, I’m just going to wait until you get inside.”

  “I’m fine. I see you giving me a hard time,” I said.

  Before I could get upstairs to the dimly lit front door of my apartment, Butch, my ex-boyfriend, came from the bushes and grabbed me, putting his hand over my mouth. Even though I tried to yell as loud as I could, his big rough hands prevented anything from coming out.

  “I was wondering when you were going to come home. I thought you were going to stay out all night. You wouldn’t give it up to me last year, but you gonna be all into the boy I made a Pi? How you think that makes me look? Answer me. Answer me!” he yelled out as he shook me hard.

  I couldn’t answer him. He was still holding on to me as he dragged me back behind the bushes. I knew he was a jerk, which is why I broke up with him. But I didn’t know he could be so over-the-top and violent. He had already hurt my arm earlier in the evening. What in the world was he planning to do to me now? And Creed had wanted to wait when he dropped me off, but dumb me told him to go on. I was only ten feet away from my door. Now, I was scared.