Dirty Little Secret

by Kendall Ryan

  “Yup. Let’s go.” I nodded, then followed her back into the arcade toward a game where I had to throw baseballs to knock down the most haunting clowns I’d ever seen.

  I couldn’t say how many games we played or for how long we were there, running from one booth to the next like our asses were on fire. Every moment felt limitless, and as we raced to see who could get more layups or throw more basketballs, I again caught myself looking at her from the corner of my eye, wondering about the sort of person, the sort of woman, who would do this for another person.

  Especially for a bastard like me.

  “Are you hungry?” she asked when she caught me staring.

  My stomach growled, though I hadn’t realized I was hungry until she’d mentioned it. “Yeah, sure, let’s grab something.”

  “The pizza here is amazing, according to Bethany.”

  “Pizza it is,” I agreed, and we each got a slice before making our way to the Ferris wheel.

  “Think they’ll let us take it on?” she asked, nodding toward the ride operator.

  “Only one way to find out.” I hopped the gate, walked up the stairs, and called for the man’s attention.

  With bleary eyes, he gazed back at me. “What?”

  “I was just wondering if we might be able to eat our pizza on the ride?”

  He shrugged. “All the same to me. Come on up.”

  The carriages rolled to a stop and I spied one, bright pink and sparkly. “This one.” I ushered her inside.

  “Never thought you were much for pink.” She grinned, then took a bite of her pizza.

  “I can’t believe you like olives,” I said, grimacing at her slice.

  “I can’t believe your palate isn’t refined enough to appreciate them,” she shot back, grinning. “Pepperoni is so common.”

  “Don’t knock my pepperoni.”

  “Then don’t knock my olives.”

  I smiled at her. “Fine. I’ll try it. Here.”

  We swapped slices and, holding my breath, I took a bite. Salty, oily brine filled my mouth, and it was all I could do to swallow.

  Choking, I said, “Take it back. Christ, that’s foul.”

  “See? What did I say. No appreciation.” She laughed.

  That was where she was dead wrong. I’d been gifted Cartier watches from girlfriends in the past. A motorcycle one Christmas from my brothers. I’d even gotten a trip to Belize from a grateful client who wound up marrying one of the escorts.

  But this?

  This was the best gift anyone had ever given me, hands down, and there was nothing I wanted more than to stay in this moment, on top of this Ferris wheel with Emma, overlooking the one and only day I’d ever gotten to be a kid.

  My heart squeezed inside my chest. As much as I wanted to force the feelings away, I couldn’t do it. This moment . . . this woman?

  It was everything.

  Chapter Twenty-Nine

  Emma

  This was the way dates should be.

  A guy and a girl, eating pizza on a Ferris wheel, just enjoying the night and not worrying about what the next day would bring.

  I wished there were more times like these. Times when I could forget Gavin was some multi-millionaire CEO of an escort agency. This was when I liked him best.

  I didn’t need the helicopters or the fancy wine tastings, as nice as they were. That was fantasy fun. More important to me were the nights with Netflix, watching Casablanca and enjoying the sweetness of each other’s company. The total and complete contentment I had when I was with Gavin.

  I wasn’t sure how I was going to get him that dart gun, but as we exited the Ferris wheel and made our way back into the main arcade, I glanced at him from the corner of my eye, wondering if he’d notice if I tried to pay the guy off for the toy.

  He would. Nothing around Gavin went unnoticed, so I suggested he head to the animatronic dinosaur game without me.

  “You don’t want to shoot rabid dinosaurs?” he challenged.

  I shook my head. “That game blows steam in your face, and it’s just a little too real for me.”

  He laughed. “Chicken.”

  “I’m not denying that. I have to use the bathroom, anyway. I’ll meet up with you.”

  He hesitated for a moment, but then walked off. I studied his back for a long moment before heading in the opposite direction.

  Tonight, I felt something I’d never felt before with Gavin. It wasn’t just an easy comfort that was usually so lacking around him. That was nice, of course, but it was something else . . . something that, if I was honest, shook me to my core.

  When I looked at him, I knew that I didn’t want to be with anyone else in the world.

  The feeling, the need was so all consuming that it scared me, but I knew what it was. I’d felt the strong grip before, and that time it had taken me down a path that almost undid me.

  This was love. The strong, obsessive adoration of finding someone in the world I wanted to make happy. I would move heaven and earth to do it, and I practically had by renting out this arcade, but at the end of the day? As good as it felt?

  It was dangerous. Like code-red dangerous.

  I was in over my head, but more than that, like so much of my relationship with Gavin—I was completely beyond my control.

  There was no way of knowing what might happen next, who he might be tomorrow, though I would love him just the same. The scariest part was not knowing how Gavin felt about me. Or if he was capable of giving in to the feeling of love at all.

  There were times I would catch him looking at me, his eyes soft with something that made my heart warm and my knees weak. But it wasn’t enough.

  I wanted more. The big, splashy, over-the-top love. The happy ending. Even more than he wanted this damned pellet gun.

  My mind reeling, I tried to get my head on straight as I made it to the prize booth and grinned at the bored-looking man behind the counter.

  “Look,” I said. “I know the foam dart gun costs—”

  “Forty bucks.”

  “What?” I asked, blinking.

  “My boss isn’t here,” he said, scratching at his stubbled chin. “I’ll give it to you for forty dollars.”

  I pursed my lips and gave him the side-eye, sizing him up. “Sixty for two of them. Final offer.”

  He nodded, then pulled the guns from the case and set them on the counter beside my money. “Anything else?”

  I glanced at the wad of tickets still in my hand. “What will five hundred tickets get me?”

  “Temporary tattoos,” he said. “They’re of Care Bears.”

  “Perfect.”

  I handed over my tickets and accepted the packet of tattoos before rushing to the bathroom to grab a paper towel with cold water. Laughing at myself, I adhered the tattoo, then removed each of the guns from their packaging and loaded their ammo holsters.

  Finally, I was ready. Armed with a blue Care Bear on my cheek, I rushed into battle with one gun on my hip and the other in my hand.

  Luckily, Gavin wasn’t hard to find. He was walking casually toward the bathrooms, looking for me, no doubt.

  “What happened? You were gone for—”

  I lifted my hand and fired, hitting him dead center in the chest with a foam pellet.

  He laughed. “How did you—”

  I shot him again, this time in the forehead.

  “Do that again and I’m going to have to put you over my knee and punish you.”

  His dark voice sent a sweet shiver down my spine, and I was half tempted to do it again, just to see if he’d make good on his promise. Before I got the chance, though, he lunged for me and grabbed the spare gun.

  I lifted my weapon to fire when he shot me in the boob.

  “Constant vigilance,” he warned, looking smug.

  “Where was your constant vigilance when I was owning you a minute ago?”

  “Everyone knows it’s not honorable to s
hoot an unarmed man. I thought you had more class than that. I guess I was wrong.” He shot me again, this time in the shoulder. “Nice bear, by the way.”

  “Thanks. Now, prepare to die.”

  I took off at a sprint in the other direction, running in a serpentine pattern, careful to duck for shelter as a foam dart whizzed past my ear.

  For what felt like hours, we rushed around the arcade, shooting at each other until we were both breathless, out of ammo, and too exhausted to look for any more.

  It was dark outside, and the staff had started cleaning up. I knew what that meant and I think Gavin did too, but I wanted to stop it. To go back in time and relive this day over and over, watching the joy on his face as he played each game for the very first time.

  I wasn’t ready to say good-bye to today. Not yet. But then Ben texted me, letting me know he was back for our scheduled pickup, and our time was up.

  Gavin found me crouched outside a photo booth and held his hand out for me. “Time to go,” he said simply, and though his face was impassive, I knew he was just as affected as I was.

  I nodded. “Okay.”

  Together, we made our way to the limo and buckled in, each grabbing a water from the mini-fridge inside. For a while, we sat in silence, staring out the window and wondering what came next, but then Gavin surprised me.

  “You were right,” he said. “I’ve never had a day like today in all my life, Emma. Thank you for that. I can’t tell you what it means to me.”

  I offered him a soft smile. “It was my pleasure. Really.”

  He studied me for a long moment. “I . . . I never got the chance to do those things, you know, because my childhood wasn’t normal. Not just in the way that we were too poor for vacations and arcades.”

  I stayed silent, knowing this was my time to listen, not to speak.

  “It’s difficult for me to talk about.” He spread his hands wide. “But I feel like . . . Well, I want you to know. Everything.”

  I nodded, encouraging him to continue.

  “My mother was a good woman. She did her best.” He took a sip of his water, his strong throat working as he looked out the window into the night. “But she had no real skills, and three children to feed and care for.”

  “What about your father?”

  Gavin shook his head, his gaze returning to mine. “I hardly remember him. He took off right after Cooper was born. I think I was maybe six? My mother did what she had to do to put food on the table and keep a roof over our heads.”

  I swallowed, nodding again. “I understand.”

  “You saw where we grew up—it wasn’t exactly bustling with opportunity. It was all low-paying jobs and no room for advancement. But still, it took me a long time to accept that my mother worked as a prostitute.”

  I reached over and took Gavin’s hand, the words hanging in the air between us. I couldn’t even imagine the things he must have seen.

  “When we were older, we’d help her where we could. We got odd jobs and would protect her from the johns when she needed it. Quinn did most of the heavy lifting, and we both did a lot to shield Cooper from whatever we could. But we were still kids, and that was all we could do. When she died . . . it was a tragedy and a relief.”

  I remained silent, hoping to show him with my expression how much I cared. How heartsick I was for his pain. And, most of all, how honored I was that he’d finally told me this.

  “Then it was just the three of us and we only knew how to do one thing—protect women. We weren’t in the market to be pimps and we didn’t want to exploit anyone, but we’d been around enough casinos and nightclubs with our mother to know there was a lot of money available for a woman who was willing to look good on someone’s arm.” He shrugged. “So, we started Forbidden Desires. Now, of course, we make a better living than we ever dreamed of, and we don’t have to worry about where our next meal is coming from. But sometimes it still feels strange to realize how far I’ve come, and how much all three of us and my poor mother had sacrificed to get here.”

  I had no words. The shock, the sadness, it was all overwhelming, threatening to consume me. I’d had guesses about what their life might have been like, but nothing came close to this. Nothing came close to the true horror of their childhood.

  “I’m so sorry, Gavin.”

  He shook his head. “There’s nothing to be sorry about. The past is in the past. But I just . . . I just wanted you to know.”

  “Thank you,” I said softly. With a jolt, I realized we were sitting outside my brownstone, the car idling as we spoke.

  I nodded toward the door. “Do you want to come inside?”

  He shook his head. “Not tonight.”

  Moving toward me, he cupped my cheek in his hand and pulled my lips to his, sweeping me up in the most heart-aching kiss of my life. It was soft and tender and everything Gavin wasn’t. Or, at least, everything I’d thought he wasn’t until now.

  When we broke apart, my heart sank as I climbed from the car and made my way up the steps to my house. Rain drizzled on the cold city streets, and I watched the limo pull back onto the asphalt, zooming into the night.

  Even though it was raining, I couldn’t bring myself to go inside until I couldn’t see the limo anymore. Like, if I just waited here on this step for a few more minutes, Gavin might come back and tell me all the other things I wanted to know.

  Like whether he loved me the way that I loved him. Or whether he was capable of love at all.

  It was that last part that made my chest ache with uncertainty.

  Chapter Thirty

  Gavin

  Goddamn it.

  I’d said too much.

  I’d known it from the second the words left my lips, but I couldn’t bring myself to regret my decision. Not even when I saw the dawning horror of realization on her delicate features. Not even now, the next morning, as I sat up in my bed and thought about the night before.

  I didn’t know why I hadn’t gone into the house with her. After a date like that, she deserved to be taken to bed and shown just how thoroughly I appreciated her efforts. Still, I needed time to think, time to work out my feelings, and the coiled knot in my stomach that seemed to tighten that much more every time I thought of Emma needed to fucking uncoil.

  These emotions were unlike the ones I’d ever had before, that much I knew. What I’d thought was love years ago paled in comparison to what I felt now. I didn’t worry about Emma—I knew she could care for and protect herself. She wasn’t fragile or delicate like Ashley had been.

  But the rest of it? The need to know where she was and what she was doing? The need to possess her completely? That was there, rearing its ugly head and roaring like a lion for me to fulfill my aching need to be with her.

  It was already nine in the morning and a Saturday, which meant I should have been in the office. Not because I had to be but because I was a creature of habit. For Emma, I knew this usually meant a day of wrangling workers at the library, psyching everyone up for their busy day while people picked out the books and videos they’d be checking out for the week.

  I knew where she was and what she was doing, and that I’d likely see her later.

  So, why didn’t that feel like it was enough anymore?

  With a groan, I moved from my bed and slipped on a button-down shirt and my favorite jeans before heading into my kitchen and grabbing a cup of coffee.

  Maybe I ought to go to the library and apologize for being so frank with her, for bringing down the mood of what had otherwise been the most perfect day of my life. But then . . . I didn’t feel that way. I regretted the vulnerability, but not the words themselves. There had to be a way to wash that vulnerability from her mind without mentioning what I’d said last night. To bring things back into focus where I felt in control again, because right now? I was spinning out.

  That was what I needed to make this ache in my gut fade, I realized with a start.

  Control.
>
  Finishing my coffee in one gulp, I texted Ben and slipped on my shoes, ready for the long ride to the library on the outskirts of town, and the woman I knew would be there when I stepped inside.

  Opting for surprise, I decided not to let her know I was coming, planning instead exactly how I would execute my plan when I arrived. It would be difficult—the library would be filled with people today.

  But then, that’s what made it all the more exciting.

  Ben pulled up and I stepped from the car, letting him know he could take his coffee break if he needed to while I was gone. Then, with a determined smile on my face, I made my way for the wide oak doors of the library and pushed through to find a pristine hall of books, hallowed in silence, and a pretty young woman standing behind the checkout counter.

  Walking toward her, I noted the color of her hair and eyes and figured this must have been Emma’s friend Bethany.

  “Excuse me.” I cleared my throat but was careful to keep my tone hushed. “Could you tell me where I could find Emma Bell?”

  Bethany blinked. “Emma? The head librarian? She’s in her office. Is there something I can help you with?”

  I extended my hand. “My name is Gavin Kingsley. I’m a friend of Emma’s, and I was hoping to see her.”

  Bethany tilted her head to the side, her eyes brightening as she took my hand in hers. “So nice to meet you, Gavin. I’ll get her right away.”

  Picking up the black phone beside her computer, she dialed a number and then said, “Emma, someone is here to see you.” Then, after a pause, “You’ll just have to come and find out.”

  Not waiting for a response, Bethany put down the phone and turned her grin on me. “Emma will be out in a few seconds. Her office is right down the hall.”

  And there Emma was, striding down an aisle of books and looking a little put out. That was, until she saw my face.

  Then, almost like magic, she relaxed and turned a smile on both me and her friend. “What a great surprise. Gavin, come in. Well, you’re already in. But I mean . . . wow. You’re here. At my work.”

  From the corner of my eye, I saw Bethany waggle her eyebrows, and I swallowed a laugh. “I hope that’s not a problem.”