17th March
I WONDERED WHERE LOVE WAS. It seemed not to exist… yet there was no trouble. But I was alone and could not even pray. This morning the teacher next door came to have a chat with me. Guru came out as soon as the teacher came. When he left, he did not say anything to me. Neither did I, the speaking interlude seemed to have ended. Only in the evening, when he was pacing up and down, he admitted that he felt so weak. I said that he should try to eat even if I should bring him a woolly, but he refused. I became more and more worried. Sitla Prasad never stopped with a voice like a hoarse crow.
A cold wind was blowing. He will catch a cold. I told him that it is dangerous, and his brother has a warm woolly on. So he got up at last, and I went. But he was still standing there when I was already turning the corner. I was worried and angry with him. So unreasonable! He weakens his body with non-eating and then exposes himself to the cold—how will he live? Wept with frustration.
18th March
SOME KIND OF VIBRATION WAS IN MY HEART this morning. Guruji was already in the garden when I went there, though it was early. He was writing Yantras, and I wept in silence. He is writing Yantras for people to protect them; he chats with everyone; all can be with him; but I am sent away alone, thrown out not only of Kanpur, but from India altogether…. And I wept.. the pain in the heart was dreadful.
What a punishment it is….
52 “Never Hurt Anybody’s Feelings”
21st March, 1963
NOTHING MUCH TO SAY. The same story: pain, loneliness, worry….
Snatches of conversation I remember: “Surrender? Surrender does not mean conversion. L. thought that I wanted to convert her to our way of life, and she began to wear saris, but I told her our Rev.
Guru did not convert us, so why should I? We are not like that. We are broad-minded… surrender is something else. Beliefs can be great traps, they imprison us; and facts are not reliable, we outgrow them. But there is such a thing as a Supreme Fact, only to that we must arrive by a long road, and it can take a lifetime.
“One does injustice to people by comparing them. Nobody can be compared to anybody else. Nothing can be measured by the same time measurement. The time of a cell in your body, your own time, the time of the Solar System, are different and equal in proportion.
“And always remember that some sort of doubt, some sort of imperfection will always remain…. “
22nd March
HE WAS RELATING TO US SOME HAPPENINGS which occurred in his household recently—a death of a relative in the North; the wood which was delivered was not of a good quality, etc. I was looking around. We were sitting in the garden. It was a beautiful morning; it was already hot, but the leaves of the trees looked so fresh, trembling in the breeze.
Somehow or other during the conversation I came out with the remark that he said a few weeks ago that God is full of desires.
Otherwise, why should he have created the universe if he had no desire to do so?
“God is full of desires?” He looked at me in surprise. “I am supposed to have said it?” I told him that he certainly did; it was when we were discussing about the desires of a Saint and him not getting angry. I noted it down in my diary as I usually do. He also added then that I must not say it ever; nobody is going to accept it in the form it was presented.
“God is full of desires… ” he mused, stroking his beard thoughtfully. “I must have been in a strange mood when I said so… I don’t remember it at all. Yes, He has Qualities, and functions of those Qualities. Perhaps it is here that one can say that He is full of desires. But the Supreme Power has nothing to do with it. How can we know why He created the universe? The world?”
“YOU know,” I said smilingly, “you are one with Him.”
“Life springs up without a seed… things come up,” he said, ignoring my remark. “It does not mean that the earth desires them to come up. When there is mucous in the eye in the morning when you wake up, it does not mean that the eye desires it. If God is full of desires, why, what’s the use of getting rid of ours? Why should we try to get less desires then? Fewer and fewer desires? True, it is said somewhere in the Hindu scriptures that Ishwara (the creator) sees the Parabrahm (absolute reality) through the veil of Maya. That is, immersed in Prakriti (matter), His vision is somewhat blurred. This is the reason why I told you once that in order to reach the Supreme Reality we must renounce the fruits we have gained in Samadhi.
The state of Samadhi is still within the limits of Prakriti.”
Later he said: “You don’t always catch my thought; I didn’t say women cannot reach the highest state; I said they can… only the road is different.”
I answered that all I want is to be with Him always. I cannot bear the idea not to be with Him forever. He smiled faintly.
“There is a question of speed,” he said. “Even I cannot be with my Revered Guru Maharaj.” He fell silent.
“But I want to see you, to be able to reach you from time to time, as you do with your Rev. Guru,” I said with a sinking heart, looking at him hopefully.
“That can be done, it is not so difficult,” he said slowly. “Follow the System and you will remain with me. The System will remain ALWAYS; individuals come and go. And as to why there is suffering in the world, it is all due to ignorance, Avidya. ALWAYS REMEMBER THAT YOU BELONG SOMEWHERE, THEN YOU CANNOT GO WRONG.”
In answer to my question he said: “If we have to use the yogic powers, it means we come down to the level of the individual.” So when he is training somebody, he has to come down to the level of the disciple, and it cannot be always easy. It was as if a light went on in my mind, the explanation of many things happening since I have been here…. He had to come down to my level…. I looked at him; his face had one of those strange, mysterious expressions and a very still smile. How magnificent they are, the great ones, I thought… that a divine being is a human at a certain stage of evolution. But his face was very pale today, and he looked tired.
“I tell only as much as I am allowed to tell, and only the strictly necessary, no more,” he said, smiling again imperceptibly.
Later he made a few remarks on differences of civilizations, and how one must always give a good example. We are judged by the life we lead. We teach by being what we are.
“And when I come face to face with evil and see people doing evils, as it is surely bound to happen at one time or another?”
“Then say it as gently as you can. Truth which is not said gently is not Truth. Why? Because the person in question will not accept it.
But if they persist in evil, then you can hit; but NEVER if you have any personal advantage from it. When dutybound and there is no personal advantage for you, then there is no sin; and if they get offended, it is just too bad…. If the doctor operates, and cuts and hurts the patient, does it mean that he will injure himself? No, he is dutybound. If dutybound, there can be no sin, even if they get offended. You can say or do what is necessary, but you have to clear the point as well as you possibly can, otherwise you will injure the feelings. If you make yourself understood, the feelings will not be injured.
“You never injure the feelings of others when you have merged.
Then you will know that all souls are one; you will know why he did it, how he feels about it, what he thinks, and you will put it in such a way as not to injure his feelings. And I repeat: NEVER SAY ANYTHING FOR THE SAKE OF PERSONAL GAIN AND ADVANTAGE. Be careful about that. This is a guide, a platform to stand upon and from where to start; one cannot go wrong.”
He smiled. Fell silent for a while.
“Even Yogis, in spite of everything, sometimes injure people’s feelings. If for instance the Yogi has a disciple who is a gambler, and he comes and asks permission to gamble, or worse still, asks the Guru to come with him just for once? What would you do?”
“I will tell him as nicely as possible to get out of such ideas,” I said with amusement.
“First of all, your behavior must be of such a kind that nobody would dare t
o ask you at all, and still it happens sometimes even to a Yogi.”
When asked in what way one injures oneself when one injures the feelings of others he answered: “To hurt others is to hurt yourself, because before you do it, you think badly of them, so you hurt yourself.”
“If I had come to you when quite young, then there would have been less trouble?”
“There would always have been, but less, much less, a fortnight or so…. But when one is old, it takes time; it is very troublesome.
“Yes, it was done with the Kundalini… Kundalini is full of sex.”
I think I omitted to note down that the Bandhara for his Revered Guru Maharaj, which is always celebrated around Christmas, has been postponed this year due to his ill-health. It was decided that it should be in spring when the days are warm, so it is going to be in April, just before I will go…. We will all go to Bhogoun, and I will see his grave….
He came out in Sufi dress, long kurta, white pajama trousers… so radiant, so immaculate. I closed my eyes; could not bear to look at him. He got up, went to inspect the irrigation ditch in the garden behind the trees, and then went inside. I had time to recover. He came out and sat down, his small pale green jade mala in his hand.
One bead after another began to slide through his slender fingers.
The attitude full of grace. Golden skin. White garment. Green mala.
Face radiant with a light difficult to bear. What a sight, I thought, my heart aching…. I wish I would remember it forever….
I had the letter from Madras, but was thinking that I will not tell.him unless he begins to talk to me.
“Have you written to Madras?” he asked after a while, giving his mala a flick with a movement of his wrist. I answered in affirmative and gave him the reply. He read it in silence.
“Well,” I said when he gave it back to me, “well, there remains nothing to do anymore, except to send the money and get the ticket; everything seems to be settled.” He did not answer; his lips were moving in soundless prayer, an occasional click of the beads; an ox cart passed, rattling by.
The end is approaching. A new page in my life will be turned soon.
24th March
WENT TO THE HOSPITAL to have my last cholera injection. Three young doctors were sitting around and we began to talk. I suddenly began to speak about him, had a definite feeling that I have to talk about him, that I was directed to do so, what to say and what not.
Sometimes I felt: don’t say that, so I did not; or I had the urge to say something, so I did. When I left, strangely enough, I forgot everything and did not remember exactly what I had said. After returning from the hospital, went to Guruji’s place and told him about it. It seemed to me that I have been talking too much. He shook his head:
“Never think that what you have said is wrong,” he replied. “If you feel the impulse to say, say it. To act on inspiration, without a particular desire, is the thing.”
“Please tell me: why do you suffer? I have seen you suffer greatly; even if you don’t complain, it is evident that you suffer much, and often I wondered why should you suffer so much? You have no sins, so why should there be suffering for you?” He smiled subtly: “Who tells you that I have no sins? Imperfections are everywhere!
I did hurt sometimes people’s feelings, so I have to suffer for it.
Sometimes I did hurt your feelings…. “
“Oh,” I interrupted, and his wife laughed. “Even your wife is laughing; you did not hurt my feelings, you crushed them, you left nothing behind!”
“If it is done for the sake of training, all is good and well; but sometimes I don’t do it for this reason only, so I have to suffer.
Never, never hurt anybody’s feelings… never,” he added, and fell silent for a while. Told him about the fear I experience when waking up, in the very moment of waking up, a terrible fear like a panic, and it seems beyond my control.
“It happens sometimes; we have much fear in our unconscious, an immense heredity of fear. Does sex bother you?”
“No, not at all, just this fear every time I wake up and it worries me.”
“Then don’t worry, it will go.” When asked what to do in England when a Yantra is needed, he said that as soon as I will write to him, the trouble will go.
“You will have to gain experience; sometimes you will deal with problems yourself; sometimes you will write. But the trouble will go; you will come to the stage,” he added. What he meant was not clear to me, but I didn’t ask further.
“You will be protected from evils. Others who work are the same; it is done this way.” I asked how is it that before, when I prayed, nothing ever happened, but now I am in constant communication with Him… with this Power. I pray and He listens to me. I get the answer in the form of direct knowledge right into the heart, and when I make a stupid mistake or a blunder, He even smiles and He forgives and He forgives, endlessly…. At this point he closed his eyes with such tenderness as if he would give thanks to this Power for me….
“Not all things can be answered, as to why and how,” he began softly. “It is all a question of surrender… if you have faith, if you are surrendered to His will… His will becomes your will. And what needs to be done will be done. People say: why should I have faith? It is silly to think this way. Even to cross the street we need faith. If you say to yourself: I cannot cross this street; you will not be able to do it. But experience has shown you that you can cross the street. Experience has shown you that you can go from one room into another and pick up an object, for instance. But just convince yourself that you are not able to do it and see what will happen.” He looked out of the window. A sparrow pursued by another flew into the room chirping noisily; they saw us seated there and disappeared, continuing their quarrel on the tree opposite. He followed them with his eyes and then said quietly:
“Now I will tell you the secret of the creation. Sex is the same in men and women; the ultimate moment of ecstasy in sexual relationship is the same in both. It may vary in intensity according to the temperament and mood, but it is of the same stuff. It is Ananda, the only moment of real Ananda on the physical plane in existence. It is the sweetest thing on earth; nothing is sweeter than that. And it is given to men for the sake of procreation.”
Bhai Sahib gave us a detailed explanation of the creative energy coming down into manifestation from the highest spiritual plane. I understood that the sacred creative gift which manifests in human beings as the bliss experienced in sexual union is but a reflection of the bliss experienced at the atmic level; indeed, that the physical state stands no comparison to that which is the very essence of the divine, creative dynamism, the exalting and shattering power that quickens, nurtures and dissolves, the divine will-to-be which can only be described in terms of fire, and which in every creature expresses itself as the desire for existence; hence, that bliss and life-giving or procreative energy are one; that this descends and is mirrored in one way or another throughout all the planes of manifestation, interlinking them all through that one will which is bliss because it is at the very core of every creature, every thing, every atom… it’s life-giving fire, it’s alpha and omega, it’s Heart of heart. Then did I remember a forgotten phrase read somewhere: The heart of things is bliss. And there flashed through my mind the thought that, in surrendering ourselves to that Heart of heart, we partake of, indeed, we become that divine bliss. The great renunciation signified, in human terms, the great atonement, and therefore the conscious receiving and the conscious radiating of the divine grace of the Heart of heart.
Guruji went on: “When the period of renunciation is passed, no words can describe what can be given, no imagination. Now you are one-sided, and you pick from the atmosphere all thoughts which are on the same current, the same line as yours. They are sorted out, and the one which is your own you are made to renounce it. That’s why you are sent back. There you will come in contact with people who know you before, and if you have everything but don’t care about anything
and are indifferent, people will wonder and they will respect you and follow you. When you have renounced everything, what cannot be given?…
“Faith and obedience are only possible if there is great love. Very subtly the Master puts you against him, before testing….
Sometimes the test is impossible, too difficult to fulfill. But if one thinks: what can happenI cannot more than die—and one accepts it, then the test has been passed and one is ready for the high stage.”
I was listening; the feeling of meaning was here as a kind of inner warning…. Puts the Shishya subtly against him. Hm… I had better be careful….
Later he said in answer to my question: “When complete control of the mind has been achieved, you will know which thoughts are your own and which you pick up from the atmosphere around you.
And you can keep the ones you want to keep and throw out those you don’t want. Then one becomes the master of the mind and not the helpless play-thing of it as most human beings are.”
“May I have an explanation of a few sentences from the Idyll of the White Lotus?” He nodded. “There are Three Truths which are absolute, and cannot be lost, but yet may remain silent for lack of speech.
1. The Soul of man is immortal, and its future is the future of a thing whose growth and splendor has no limit.”
“Correct,” he nodded briefly.
“2. The Principle which gives life dwells in us, and without us, is undying and eternally beneficent, is not heard, or seen, or smelt, but is perceived by the man who desires perception.”
“Correct.”
“3. Each man is his own absolute lawgiver, the dispenser of glory or gloom to himself; the decreer of his life, his reward, his punishment.”
“And where does God come in?” He looked at me ironically, stretched himself out on the tachat, and went into Samadhi.
I had my answer. And I felt it was the only correct one….
26th March
WHEN WAKING UP AT DAWN, before I could even think properly, I felt a sharp physical pain. The longing is just like the roar of the sea, just as powerful and never ending, on and on it goes. And suddenly, still with my eyes closed, I saw the sea, an endless expanse, grey at dawn… the surf beating ceaselessly the foaming waves against the shore.
Daughter of Fire Page 57
