And I heard the roar of it, the rhythmic flux and reflux…. I opened my eyes and there was the grey dawn, my courtyard, and the sky beginning to lighten in the East. The longing was tremendous.
Really endless as only the sea can be…. I was one with Him and the Teacher and all the Superiors. And it was such a bliss and a peace, so I prayed without words, suffocated by the fullness of love….
When I went to his place, the rich man from Calcutta was in the room. But he soon left and Bhai Sahib came out. I prayed ceaselessly, full of peace, and the world once more was a crazy dream. But afterwards it passed, and all seemed normal once more. Until eleven we sat; finally he got up. “I am going,” he murmured half audibly, taking his towel. He was in a deep state nearly the whole morning.
The peace and stillness persisted, and He is so near. Last night I prayed to His Rev. Guru Maharaj; the prayer went exceptionally well, though there were no words at all. But I realized something: He and the Teacher and his Superiors were all one and the same thing.
Until now there seemed to be a sort of duality or even plurality—to feel one with Him or with the Teacher. It must have been a mistake, a lack of understanding, of being able to have a clear conception of it with the mind… to bring it clearly into the consciousness. For the first time, clearly, I could see no difference whatsoever. I was one with them all….
This evening he came out dressed as in my dreams, all in white, long kurta, wide pajama trousers. He had a stick in his hand, so I was thinking that he may go for a walk. But he sat down and began to talk with Chowdrie and others. They talked and I was looking at him. Set against the wall, his face looked as though carved out of pale yellow stone, a face out of a dream… and he was full of light, very pale yellow light radiating and changing in intensity. I was spellbound.
His expression changed constantly, vivacious and tender and smiling; they were discussing all sorts of things. The tremendous energy emanating from this wonderful human being was like a powerful flow; all of us were enveloped in it, all of us partaking of it… it was glorious.
Chowdrie left; it was dark already. Guruji got up and began to walk up and down in the garden in front of the house. To remember you like this, I was thinking, walking swiftly with elastic step, as if obeying an inner rhythm…. Slender, tall, a white figure in the moonlight, crossing from patches of light into the shade, up and down. Swift, unreal he looked, so ancient, a priest of days gone by, a mysterious, arcane being of far away, of half-forgotten dreams. And my heart followed him as he walked on, like a thing of faith walking behind him…. He sat down for a while. Somebody came, so he talked to him. But when the person had left, he began to pace up and down again, the stick tucked under the right arm, and he looked so old, older than my remotest dreams….
Prayed well in the night, without words, in an endless, unceasing stream of love….
53 To Become like Him
27th March, 1963
I WOKE ABOUT TWO. No vibrations. No longing while waking up. Kept thinking of him walking in the garden last evening… a mysterious figure all in white. You priest of my far away, long forgotten dreams…. And all of a sudden there was an urge to BECOME LIKE HIM. A strong urge like a flowing stream, endlessly pouring out from the innermost depths of my soul…. From somewhere, terribly deep… to be like you… but how can I? How can I ever hope?
You mysterious, glorious, impossible to understand… are you for me? I am destined to become less than the dust at your beautiful feet… what hope has the dust to be able to understand? To be like you…. There is nothing small in you. To be like you, so free, so unique. You have faults, for you are human, but they are rather faults of your environment; you are imprisoned in tradition, the custom of your country. But it is not you. To be like you, so free, so unique…. You one with Him, for whom I long more than my own life…. Kept thinking of his voice, slightly metallic, a refined sort of voice. He sang for me. When I close my eyes and keep the mind still, his voice comes from the depth of myself. Is it part of some memories? Who knows… stirring voice… an echo….
That’s how it is done with a human being… this new sort of longing…. I never had this irresistible urge to become like him… it is a new development. Did he not say some time ago: “Why don’t you try to become like me?” Here we are. It is put into me now.
And it is not new to me: something has been awakened which was always there…. I was ignorant of it; it was brought into my conscious mind. Is it the outcome of the longing which never seems to decrease? Is it the result of the prayer? If you want the Truth, the Truth wants you, he said.
About 6 a.m. the longing began. And the heart began the tocsin-beat. The longing, the love, the restless pain of love… to be like you… somewhere I am part of you already… I always was. To be like you in stillness, merged in peace… forever, my dear….
Again the feeling that I have entered a new and important stage enveloped me.
Chowdrie said this morning that he is going to the hills in a few days. When I arrived, Guruji was walking in the garden, mala in his hand. He gave me a friendly look just as I was entering the gate, acknowledged my greeting and went inside. Came out shortly afterwards and sat there in deep Samadhi. There was no talk this morning. Everybody who came was in Dhyana. How unusual a human being looks when in Samadhi: so pale, clear lines of the noble forehead, such a gentle expression around the mouth. I closed my eyes and put my heart mentally near his feet… and lost the sense of time in utter peace. When Chowdrie had left, he remained sitting leisurely reclining, the feet poised on the chair standing in front of him. I knew that he was testing me: if I had the desire to speak to him.
I had none. To sit like this forever .. . the image of him, all in white before me…. The wind blowing strongly from the west smelling of dry, hot, earth, cowdung, and God knows what… this wind is already the beginning of Loo….
To sit like this forever in utter peace… wanting nothing, desiring nothing except the One Thing. He got up, and wordless he went inside throwing the towel over his shoulder. I went home. It looks as if I had passed the test. But he is bound to test me again in different conditions; it is not finished, by no means. And going home I was reflecting that the same factors which caused great unhappiness and frustration before are the reason for intense happiness now. I am satisfied like this—him not speaking to me, ignoring me. Nearer and nearer I come to him, and the peace is such that it hurts….
28th March
PRACTICALLY NO VIBRATIONS THIS MORNING. He came out early and today he looked at me much and often. Look out, I was thinking; he is putting the mind on, it will mean trouble. When he looks at me like this, there will be separation… it can mean big trouble. On this Yoga Line the Power is transmitted mainly through the eyes, and all the time he kept glancing at me. The love and the longing were such that the heart was hurting. At one time such tocsin-beat began that I knew for sure that he was doing something to my heart….
He was testing me again… being especially friendly with others, explaining something from the Koran to Chowdrie, and from his System to others. But I was thinking that, though it is a pity that I am deprived of hearing it from himself which is life, and when I want to know it I have to look it up in the books, never mind…. How much nicer it would be if I could learn it from him; still I have no desire, neither to ask nor to speak to him. To be one with you is all I want; desire for knowledge creates a veil, a separation, between you and me. I want to be like you… everything else is of no importance….
When Chowdrie left, he got up immediately and went inside.
People were inside in the afternoon when I came. I heard his voice and his laughter. Later he came out looking so radiant, laughing and talking with men trouping behind him. What charm he had! And what a youthful laughter. Now and then he kept glancing at me… I had the feeling that there was a separation already…. But he went into a deep state and suddenly I was so near Him… kept my eyes closed in perfect bliss.
It became d
ark. As soon as Chowdrie had left, he made a sideway movement with his head in my direction, and I knew that it meant that he was going inside and I can go home. Without a word he got up and went inside. I went home. It was windy. Slept in the veranda very badly, had much pain in the liver. I wonder if the pain was mine or his….
29th March
COULD NOT PRAY LAST NIGHT. Liver pain interfered and there was separation. Was quite alone. And this morning the longing is killing and I am so lonely…. The suffering of the longing was great enough, but there was the fear in the mind, the fear of what it is going to be in London…. Alone… without him. With this terrible longing… and him dying, perhaps no prospect to see him again.
Went there in the afternoon. He was in the room with others. I was thinking if I could borrow the hot water bottle I gave him, for one night. So, I went inside and with the help of Babu explained to the wife that I had pain and could I borrow the hot water bag. Then I sat outside. Chowdrie came out telling me that I am wanted inside. I lifted the chik and went in. I greeted him; he was sitting in the big chair and my heart stood still so radiant he was.
“What is the matter with you?” he asked, and I explained. The wife came and gave me the hot water bottle. I remained sitting and watched him talk. How he can laugh with those hazel eyes of his with the most delightful expression of mischief. He kept his audience spellbound with stories. I hoped that something will be translated for me, but the horrible Acharya came. We all went outside and the Acharya talked for two solid hours. I kept thinking that there will always be somebody to talk for hours with a horrible voice and Guruji will say: “Wah!” and “Bohot sundar” (very lovely) with the expression of the greatest delight, though we all knew that he didn’t really care…. The screechy voice, loud and almost shouting, went on; I could not bear it any longer… had pain in the liver. It was dark already and I went home. Had some tea. Went to bed with the hot water bottle. Was so full of peace that I didn’t even pray. Why pray? I am with Him anyhow… I belong to Him and He is in my heart….
Got up about one a.m., filled the hot water bottle once more. The pain was still sharp. The peace was endless….
30th March
THERE ARE NO VIBRATIONS ANYMORE. I seem to have crossed the stage of vibrations. They are bound to appear later sometimes; it is all a spiral, the spiritual life repeating itself on a higher and higher level.
The peace was endless. When I went to his place, he was already sitting outside with many people. I went inside to the wife and gave the hot water bottle back, then sat down with others. Chowdrie wanted to know how I was and I told him that I was better. Guruji looked weak and yellow. The waves of love were very strong and steady. I sat there looking at him talking to others. Then he began to sing, and he sang for a long time. I was crying… and could not explain why it was that, when he begins to sing, I can hardly bear it.
And then in a flash I knew: it was because he was calling my soul… that’s why the physical being reacted with tears and endless longing.
From the depths, of which the mind cannot know, came his voice; all went still in me; it was a CALL… such endless sorrow and longing and pain, surging up from the dimensions beyond ordinary understanding….
Later I sat in the shade of the mango tree and reflected why it was that I had such a deep peace. Only now I understand the saying: “Peace which passeth understanding,” for it is the stillness of non-being.
I want nothing from him anymore, neither to speak to him nor any teachings.Just to be here, just to be able to see him so full of light, to hear his laughter… to look at him. Nothing more… and it is peace… I am nothing, I want nothing… and it is peace. It must be the Great Surrender—at least the beginning of it? The Great Samarpan? I wonder….
He asked me in a friendly way if I had pain and I said, yes, and I will go to Pushpa and get from her some homeopathic medicine for the liver. He only nodded. I knew that he did not want me to talk to him, so I was silent. Somebody came and until eleven we sat, I looking at him from afar, the wind from the plains full of fragrance came from behind, ruffling my hair, and it seemed to me that it was the wind that was bringing the peace…. Such peace, impossible to describe, peace from beyond the mind, surging endlessly, peace charged with love and serenity… oh, what a peace!!
Never felt anything like this before! It surpasses every description and imagination… the whole of me, floating away in an endless stream of non-being which is seemingly a non-ending peace….
31st March
CHOWDRIE SAID, ANSWERING MY QUESTION, Kabir was not a Sufi but on Sufi lines. He was a Hindu, and both Hindus and Mohammedans claimed him as their own when he died. The way of training of Sufis is not exclusive to them alone; in the Gita it is described in a similar way. But they developed a system of Tawadje; this is the only difference.
He came out when it was already nearly dark, and he did go inside when it was not yet seven. So, I did not see much of him. I had pain in the night, could not find a suitable position of comfort to be able to fall asleep. Kept twisting and turning, but was full of peace and could pray.
“You have peace,” he said, looking at me. “It is good. Try to keep it with you—not to lose it.”
I was tempted to say that it did not depend on me… but said nothing. After all… perhaps he is right; I alone am the cause of losing it….
Prayed so much that I may become like him, so balanced, serene, mysterious, leading people with secure, steady hand wherever he wants them to be….
Fell asleep, woke up in the night because of pain, and then had bad dreams of which I remember nothing…. Dimly I remember to have dreamt of his father sitting cross-legged, framed in a window, the light behind him. He was giving a music lesson, but his disciples played very badly. I put the instrument away when they had finished, and it had this shape: ϴϴ it was a string instrument.
Went to Pushpa and told her that I was without pain this morning; her medicine had helped. Then I went to his place and saw that guests have arrived from the station; luggage was carried through into the courtyard. So I knew for sure that he will not come out. People went inside; I heard the sound of many voices. Chowdrie had left, so from now on he will seldom come out. Went home early and the longing was great. There seemed to be no vibrations but the world looked unreal, and this was unusual because that kind of unreality happens only when the vibrations are strong. Mind was nowhere, once more…. If it is like this when I am in London, how will I live?
Last night, when I was going home, the waning moon was low on the horizon; it looked so beautiful coming up from behind the trees.
The dimly lit bungalows in our compound seemed so mysteriously unreal… the still trees, the shadows beneath, as in a dream. I stood still for a while looking at it all and reflecting how lovely our earth is…. Let’s look at it, let’s enjoy it; once I have left it, when I die, I won’t come back, I was thinking. There will be other Lokas, other marvels and worlds, but here, to this beautiful earth of ours, I will not come back. I will not see it anymore, not like this, so fragrant, so lovely. There was so much scent in the air, and every night I become as though drunk with the sweet smell of some flowers….
Something is flowering nearby, but I could not discover what it was.
1st April
WHEN I PASSED HIS WINDOW carrying my chair, he asked me about the fan which needed some servicing. Then he turned to talk to Bandhari, and I went to phone about the fan, and as I came back I wanted to go in for a moment to tell him the result, but he saw me coming, got up and went out from the room. So, I sat in the garden; it will be for tomorrow, never mind. He does not want me inside. The vibrations were very strong and began before seven. Bandhari was inside and he was reading something to him in Urdu. Later Bandhari called me in. I approached the door and looked at Guruji seated in the big chair with a stony face. “May I?” I said timidly.
“Yes, yes,” he said briskly. I went in thinking that when Bandhari called me he probably was told to do s
o. As soon as I went in, he went out of the room. Sannyasi came and his shrieky voice went on and on, non-stop . Endlessly…. I was sitting full of such peace; if it is your will that I shall suffer, I will, it does not matter…. And it did not matter… Guruji came in and fell into deep Samadhi, sitting on his tachat. The atmosphere became so charged that at one moment I could not bear it and began to weep. Bandhari was sitting in front of him and later he told me that he did notice how much power there was. When he went out, I also did so and sat for a while under the tree.
In the afternoon Bandhari again asked me in as soon as I came. At the door I looked at him inquiringly: “Yes, yes,” he said abruptly; he was lying on the tachat. Bandhari told me to sit down. I was not sure he wanted me; I think he did not, but I sat down. But as soon as I did he turned over, face to the wall. Bandhari wanted to begin a conversation asking me about my progress, but I hardly could answer, was so near Him at this moment. It was sheer bliss. Then Guruji turned and began to talk to Bandhari. He looked young, clad only in a thin longhi and singlet; great light was around him.
Could not sleep in the night until four a.m. Such was the nearness to Him, such was the bliss, I seemed to die every instant the sweetest death…. Near to Him and near to Guru Maharaj… I was in the Land of Nowhere where Nothing eternally IS.
2nd April
WHEN AT HIS PLACE HE ASKED ME about the fan; he was standing in front of the mirror combing his hair after his bath. I told him that it will soon be ready. I sat down… the vibrations were strong. He began writing postcards and letters… not a word was spoken.
This morning the ladies came relatively early. And he put them in Dhyana while talking to Bandhari.
“It is done automatically; in Patanjali’s Yoga, Dhyana is explained, but until now, nobody who was doing this Sadhana ever got Dhyana. One cannot do it by himself.”
Daughter of Fire Page 58
