Daughter of Fire

by Irina Tweedie

  Either one, or three, or five, or seven, or whatever they can afford—a coin if they are poor, or a bank note, or several, if they are richer.”

  We stayed till 7:30. He made me speak as he sometimes did before, and explain to Tandem some Sufi tenets and historical facts about Rumi. Then he spoke for a long time to them in Hindi. And lastly he went into a prolonged Samadhi. I felt nothing at all. So, I thought that he was giving H. a sitting like the day before yesterday.

  But today I am not so sure of that. Strong vibration in my heart started. And I was thinking that the trouble he announced several days ago has begun….

  Had a good sleep last night. This morning he said: “Let’s walk,” and he, H. and I were walking up and down the garden. He told me that he wanted the car the day after tomorrow and told us a few things of no significance about some of his disciples. But I felt such impact of his Shakti and had an unpleasant feeling like a premonition that my trouble will begin soon… they will start all over again.

  We arrived by plane on the 15th of December. Babu and Satendra with their new wives were meeting us at the airport with the Sharma’s large car. They took us to see some temples and some city sights.

  Though I was glad that H. had the opportunity to see that, my heart was longing so much to be at the Guruji’s place as soon as possible.

  He came to meet us, and I fell at his feet and was so moved that I nearly fainted and was much ashamed about it afterwards. H. was wide-eyed, looking at him in wonder. We were accommodated with Mrs. and Mr. Sharma, Guruji’s disciples; he was an important city functionary, and we had a lovely room on top of their bungalow.

  Mrs. Sharma had a sort of fay look, the slender, elegant Indian ladies sometimes have.

  Around Christmas we went to Bhogoun. I only remember that we stayed at the house of the doctor where we stayed when I was there for the first time. Remember his prayers sung with a wonderful baritone at four in the morning. Remember that we all slept on the floor, that we had meetings under a marquee in front of his Rev.

  Guru’s house, that H. took some photos which turned out to be lovely (later she sent Guruji some copies)… but I remember very little of anything else. My memory failed me again like last time… I think Guruji gave a lecture in Persian, though he does not know this language to such an extent as to be able to give a learned lecture… that he was congratulated on it, and he was laughing about it and very amused. Remember the two small Muslim graves in the fading, soft evening light, and the vultures who were settling on the trees for the night. Remember dimly our walk across the cultivated fields, the heart sick with longing. And this is all. Nothing more.

  2nd January

  “IF YOU ARE ADDICTED TO MUSIC, there is no progress. Why? If you cannot go in Dhyana or Samadhi without music, it means that you are addicted to it, cannot do without it. It becomes an obstacle. In our Yoga System nothing is needed. My Rev. Father was of Chishtia Dynasty, but even then, because His Guru was not of this Dynasty, he gave it up.”

  Later he said: “Perfection cannot be. Some imperfection must always remain. As soon as we become perfect, we cannot remain in this world.”

  I had to answer some questions to people who were there, while he was having his tea inside. When he came out, he talked to them in Hindi about me, then he said in English (it was intended for my ears): “I gave her a training I could give to nobody else.”

  A few days before he said in conversation: “The Prophet is the Master of Time; but the Wali is the master of the people of the time.”

  When we came this morning, several of the old disciples who came from the province were there. He pointed to one elderly man who was sitting with folded palms and downcast eyes in his presence.

  “He is the son of a man whose place here is still vacant. He was an old man. He came one day, he was over 60; it was in 1923, and he knocked at the door. And he kept knocking. I was not at home; my father was on the roof terrace. Nobody opened it for him, but he kept knocking. You understand, it is very symbolical. Finally, my father said: ‘Whoever it is, let him in.’ He came in and never inquired about anything. Why? Because his Master gave him directions what to do and he did it in utter obedience. He died when he was over 80. And he left it in his will that nobody should touch his body until I came. I was at that time in Lucknow. Suddenly I knew I had to go home. There were no trains. But somehow by the Grace of God it was done and I arrived at 3 a.m. My father told me that it was good, in fact, that I came. But he did not say anything else to me. At 5 a.m. the sons of the dead man came and I was told.”

  He translated a couplet from Hafiz:

  “Wine is not considered to be a good thing. But if your Spiritual Guide orders you to drench the carpet on which you meditate with it, you must do it without questioning, in utter faith.

  Guide can be only one; he is the Guide amongst the guides (it means an old link from the past for you).”

  H. was told by Guruji last evening that he will come in the night to visit her. This morning she told me on awakening that she woke up three times during the night with the feeling of a great and wonderful Presence and felt great bliss. It happened three times, and she fell asleep and woke each time with the same feeling.

  He saw us as soon as he came out and he asked: “How are you? H., you are VERY WELL!” And he laughed. He knows, I thought, of course…. Since yesterday there is such a deep love in me… and I pray to Him, the Eternal, with such deep feeling of utter nothingness… nothingness which is the deepest bliss….

  3rd January

  “SINCE I AM HERE, my heart is singing, singing before you. It seems to me that I can even hear it sing; it is going on all the time, ceaselessly, when I am before you or at Sharma’s place; it is just singing.” He nodded slowly.

  “It is good, very, very good.”

  “Can I ask one question?”

  “Do, by all means,” he smiled at me.

  “Is this singing the constant remembrance of God? We are supposed to remember God at every moment of the day; if my heart is singing to Him all the time… when I am praying it is singing to Him, when I am here it is singing to you… then there must be constant remembrance?”

  “It is,” he nodded. “But later, the remembrance will be there all the time, and one will not notice it. And this state can last for many years.”

  “In my case, probably it will last for a short time, because the states with me change quickly.”

  “With a Wali or a Saint, the states last for a long time, then they change. The progress is infinite, the Knowledge is infinite. It goes on endlessly.”

  I told him that I used to give an example of a musical instrument in my talks. We bring the instrument; the Master is the Musician to tune it and to play on it. In other words, the Teacher cannot change or increase the capacity of the cup, the size of it—he can only fill it.

  “Oh no!” he exclaimed, “The capacity can be increased by the Teacher. Everything can be done by the Teacher; the Teacher is one with God. What can God not do? God can do everything! The Teacher can also do everything. There are laws and regulations; God made those laws and regulations. Because He made them, why should He change or transgress them? But still it can be done. But not with everybody. Munshiji, for instance, was a drunkard and a gambler. There is no harm that he was so, from the spiritual point of view, if he would give up the tendencies. But he does not, and he has been with me for the past forty years. Not everybody can surrender.

  It is not done with everybody. Why should one do it?”

  “One could quote here the words of Christ: ‘Many are called, but few are chosen,’ ” said H. He nodded.

  “The sayings of Great World Teachers are the same always. They are only expressed differently; the meaning is the same.”

  Already a few weeks before our departure for India, all became so stale for me. H. gave me hospitality for the last two months because the rent of my room was increased and I could not pay it. All in me seemed to be empty; I had nothing to say to
anybody. I disliked everyone; they all went on my nerves. I had finished my song, my heart was waiting…. On the day of our departure, in the morning I was so tense that I could hardly bear myself, and it must have been very difficult for poor H….

  4th January

  H: “WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE between a Saint and a Sage?”

  He: “A very great difference. A Saint, a Wali, is taken up to a certain stage, is made like his Master. Then he progresses automatically; he goes with his Master. He does not come back. A Saint is pure Love. They do not give laws like Prophets. They do not rule. They obey and are content with the Will of God. They are Instruments of God. If a Saint commits a mistake, God always will give the opportunity to correct it, because he is completely surrendered; he has no will of his own except the Will of God. But the Sage, if he commits a mistake, he has to come back…. “

  5th January

  YESTERDAY SPEAKING OF A DIFFICULT ATMOSPHERE in a certain place, he said laughingly: “Why don’t you change the atmosphere? The atmosphere can be changed by you people. Try! Pray! and if you cannot change it, ask for the help of the Almighty. Don’t think that it is difficult. Don’t dwell on the difficulties; get it out of your mind!

  Change it! You can do it!”

  In the evening he said: “You should pray in the night; pray for the dead. Then they will pray for you, and the nearness to God will be more and more…. “

  This morning when he came out, the great vibration in the heart began. Since I am here I kept wondering how is it that I don’t feel strong vibrations in his presence as I used to have before, and can speak to him calmly. But this morning it began strongly, the irregular beat in the heart and breathlessness just as before. He is not well today. He looks angry. Perhaps he will give me a test; the heart activity would account for that.

  Early in the morning I woke up. It was still dark. H. was sleeping peacefully. Remembering what he said about prayer, I began to pray.

  Prayed for him, for everybody, for the whole world. Tears were running down my cheeks; the whole of my being was one endless stream flowing out to Him without ever diminishing.

  In the afternoon we sat for a long time under the tree near the papayas at the bottom of the garden behind the shrubs. He was not too well and was resting. I kept thinking of G. and that I had better ask him about her. When he came out, it was after half-past-five and during the conversation he asked about her. As usual he knew what was in my mind, and he gave me instructions what to write to her. My mind gave me a little trouble this morning, but as soon as I saw him, it all melted away as the mist in the Himalayas before the rising sun.

  Speaking about Ragunath Prasad, he said: “Whoever asks Ragunath Prasad about spiritual life, he answers that all that is needed is to merge into the Master. He always knows when I am not well and either sends a man, or writes, or comes himself.”

  “Merging into the Master,” I said, “Fana fi Shaikh, then Fana fi Rasul, and the last stage Fana fi Allah.” He nodded.

  “And the first stage is the most difficult of all. Most difficult,” he repeated nodding thoughtfully. I kept thinking in the meantime that I have to pray so much, so much that God gives me this Grace….

  6th January

  “LOVE IS QUENCHING THE THIRST on the physical plane. This is not love. The human being is love, and Love loves the human being. To realize Love is to realize God. If we sit before an open fire, it warms us. There is no effort on our part. Those who have realized God are like this fire. Keep in their company. God realized Himself in the heart of Hearts of the human being. Example of the ocean and the waves. They disappear and are here. When we realize, Love disappears. We cannot give shape or name to Love. The deeper we go, the more it disappears. It radiates from every part of the body.

  And the last transfer which takes place from the Master to the disciple is from the heart to the heart. Where the trouble comes from, help is also there; people forget it, that’s why they are in trouble.

  “Everything is done with spiritual power on our Line. But if the receiver is not a good one, then one tries the mental plane. If this is not enough, one has to come down to the physical plane.

  “I know nothing; I flow where I am directed. The river does not know if it is flowing. If we know something, we have to throw it away, to throw it back; we have to forget it for it is worthless.

  “Only He knows everything; REMEMBER: WE KNOW NOTHING. If people speak highly of you, beware of pride. Pray. If people do so, IT IS ONLY HE WHO SPEAKS HIGHLY OF HIMSELF. If they flatter, they don’t flatter you, really. It is He who in their shape does it. He flatters Himself. If you are abused, it is the same. He is abusing Himself. We should not abuse people; we should bear it. We can be angry only with people who are with us, who follow us step by step.

  Not with others. Disciples are guided. Their errors are pointed out to them by the Teacher. Otherwise they will be misguided. It is a chain of love, the love to the Master. From the bottom to the top. It never disappears. It becomes complete; no difference between bottom and top. Later, nothing but love will remain. Later still, even that remains behind. It is an airdrome from where one has started.

  “Forgetfulness is the greatest qualification; one is sure to pass the examination; you won’t come back to this place. They who have gone don’t come back and even don’t send their messages to us. They just do you services without a reward or return. They leave their grace and bliss; it remains with us.”

  While he was speaking, just before, I felt a tremendous bliss.

  Somebody was here… a Great Being….

  “The relationship between the Teacher and his disciples can be compared only to the relationship of a father to his children. Only a father wants his son to be more than himself. Elder brother will help you, yes, but he does not want you to be more than himself.

  The Teacher knows no envy; there is no jealousy in him. He is glad when the disciple is on a higher stage than himself.”

  8th January

  WHEN WAITING FOR ME TO GET READY to go to the Guru, H. had a mystical experience this morning. She was standing in front of the picture of Padmapani painted by Mrs. Sharma. Her experience is in her diary.

  When I called her to go, I saw her standing in the middle of the room as in a trance. She could hardly walk. I saw that she was in a good state. It passed after several hours. As soon as we arrived, Guruji asked her how she was; he was dressed for a walk and we went to the park. She was as in a dream.

  When speaking to him in the evening, I said that I am such a beginner. He replied: “Nobody is a beginner. Or we are all beginners. I am a beginner from my stage; you are a beginner from your stage. Swimming in the Infinite ocean, who is nearer the shore?

  We are all beginners, of course…. One day I will tell you how to help people and how they are helped, how they receive it. There is a way to come before an audience and by one glance to know the mind of the whole audience. A higher stage is, for instance, if you have a friend in America, and want to help him and do it, and know everything about him. But this is still not the highest stage; it is a high one, but not the highest. The highest stage is when you can transfer the powers to another human being. This is the highest stage. Only great people can do that. The most difficult stage is Fana fi Shaikh. If this stage is completed, without any doubt one becomes a Wali (a Saint). You understand what I mean?” I could only nod.

  Then we had a long discussion about H. He sent her away for a walk. When I was leaving he said: “When you are hurt, never show it to her. She does not understand. Never show it, and throw the thought of it out of your mind. Those who are guided by us are forgiven so much. But sometimes, but only very rarely they are not forgiven, accordingly.” And then he added: “We all have some difficulties to overcome; everybody has. I am always with you, so why should you care?” I bowed down with folded hands, my heart was suddenly so full, my throat was choking, the words of Jesus were ringing in my mind: “I am with you always till the end of the days…. “And I walk
ed quickly out of the garden in order that he should not see that tears were running down my cheeks. Walking home, I cried and I prayed, and so much love was in my heart that it seemed to want to burst….

  9th January

  lN THE NIGHT I PRAYED SO MUCH. When I woke up I prayed and repeated His Name, and it was like a song in my heart. The sweetness of His Name. The pleasure to repeat it. The nearness… I prayed to be united with the Master. He said that the Mediator, or Representative who is the Master, is most necessary. So I pray that I may achieve the most difficult stage, the oneness with him.

  H. who was just now sitting with closed eyes beside me said: “It all happened again like yesterday .. .. ” Her eyes which she opens from time to time are as if in a wondrous dream, eyes like dark pools of deepest wonder… and I pray… and I pray… for the Grace.

  10th January

  “PEACE CAN ONLY BE HAD in the most peaceless state which is love.”

  I introduced H. yesterday to the judge, one of his disciples. I got a warning flash from his mind. It was against the etiquette; it is not done in the presence of the Master. I apologized today. He smiled.

  “Those things are forgiven. Again and again, endlessly. I don’t look at these things. I don’t consider you my disciples; if I would, then so difficult would be the signs of respect and reverence one has to observe that it would be impossible for you. I myself was never able to do it completely. All that is needed is complete obedience and faithfulness. It is very difficult to please the Master, in order that the Master should make you like himself. It is the most difficult thing in the world.”

  Speaking of special peace at the grave of his Rev. Guru he said: “The peace at the grave of my Rev. Guru is unbelievable. There is also great peace in the Samadhi of my parents. But in Bhogoun it is greater. Of course. He was their Guru. He was the Great Teacher.”

  He fell silent for quite a while.