One cannot make coherent sentences. Then he sent me out and told me to sit in the garden till twelve. I did.
He was in his room lying on the tachat; he felt not well and wanted to rest. While I was sitting, I suddenly knew that H. was all right and happy. She was in Tel Aviv with her friends whom she loves, and Guruji sent some help to her. She was full of peace….
In the evening he did not come out at all. Babu Ram finished telling me about the superiors.
There is a spark of joy, somewhere, deep within. So deep that one cannot trace it… it springs up like a sudden; silvery laughter, to die away instantly. It is and it is not, nowhere and everywhere, light sparkling, drops of water dancing in the sunlight in the fountain of joy… and life becomes good. I remember fear was like that: deep, deep somewhere in the blood, part of me, springing up from nowhere this fear, terrible, uncontrollable, a kind of despair, gripping me by the throat like a fiend…. I had it for years….
Has it changed into this joy? Was it transmuted, or simply dissolved like snow before the rising sun? Heaven knows…. A few days ago, the mind was working clearly, sharply, but now it does not. Not at its full capacity, and sometimes even less than that ….
“The Lane of Love is not near, it is very far off;
But some people have a certain substance in them Which will take them into the Lane of Love.
I search for him far and wide, do not think me mad;
Sometimes I stand, sometimes I fall;
I am not here nor there .
Everyone who is on this Path thinks he is near the Goal
but he is not ….
I am nowhere…
it is an endless Ocean which has no end.
I took a dip into it again and again
And there are currents where you go in and cannot go out
And the Pearl is there;
I dive in, again and again.
Oh God be kind to me, the water is becoming unbearable,
Give me strength to bear it….
No doubt I am a great sinner,
that’s why I am under such suffering;
Then I have to sacrifice myself and all my belongings….
Have mercy upon me;
give me this wine by which I can come near Him;
Those who have this longing don’t want peace;
peace is not for them;
People call me his disciple and him my Master, But I want to become his slave and he be my Master by the strength of his wine….
I am in need of this wine to be a slave of his forever….
—Rumi
_____________
God is perfect in every respect,
Guru is perfect in many respects,
Disciple in one or two,
Man in the street perfect in one thing only, if at all .
God is Chief Engineer,
Guru is executive Engineer,
Complete (perfected) disciple is engineer, Disciple: driver of his own body-machine.
These things he said in Hindi to others the same day when he was telling me that the Master is perfect. I noticed that he was looking at me ironically from time to time, as if to say: see what I am saying, but I didn’t take much notice of it, only when Babu Ram told me afterwards what he had said. He began by telling them that there is no perfection except with God… Thank God my mind did not give me trouble….
Yes… I had better pray for this wine… and keep praying, till the Milk of His kindness boils up, to quote Rumi again….
61 The Story of a Wali
4th February, 1966
“ONE CANNOT HAVE FAITH; until time is ripe, nobody can have faith. Complete surrender is absolute faith. He is Absolute; so faith must be absolute. Such a complete faith must be that one never says: why did my Master say or had done something; I would have said or done it better…. Very difficult,” he added after a silence, “Fana fi Sheikh. The most difficult stage. I have been given complete Adhikara when I was twenty-seven. But I was nothing. And until his death, till the last moment before his death, he kept testing me.
He said: ‘Now you have caught the thread! Now you can give to anybody you like!’ The Power of transference was given. The Teacher is free; he is not in trouble. But the disciple must be, must sacrifice, must tolerate, must endure…. There are many ways to please the Teacher.”
When I stood up ready to go home, he asked: “And how do you feel?” I said that I was very well, and what difference it is to sit alone in his garden with the feeling of luxurious peace in my heart. He misunderstood.
“Longing, you mean?” I said just the opposite: peace and happiness. He nodded. “I see, but you will get it.”
”And the greater the nearness, the greater the longing will be.” He nodded in agreement.
“Yes, it will go on according to the state you are in.”
This morning when I came he was already out; an excise officer was there talking to him. When he left, he read a bit of Urdu poetry and went into a deep state. Everybody was in Dhyana. And I was sitting and watching.
The grandson of his Rev. Guru Maharaj came, saw him in Samadhi, and sat quietly down. Babu Ram and the grandson were obviously in the state of deep bliss. He was giving them a sitting. And my heart became heavy; I never had a sitting. My path is a different one. I have so much longing and pain always, and when there is peace and bliss he will immediately promise that it will pass and I will be back where I started; pain and longing… and so heavy my heart became that I could not stop tears coming into my eyes. Have mercy on me, I was thinking. I had so much pain and worry already….
Complete faith you want from me… but must I have so much worry as well?
He opened his unseeing eyes from time to time; he was in a very deep state….
You are so kind to everybody, Bhai Sahib… to me you have been, and you are, so cruel, and nobody is tortured as I am …. It will all start again with frightening regularity. Probably even more than before… endlessly… and there will be heat and flies and suffering of the old body taxed by climatic conditions. And when in London, away from you, I was dreaming to come back to you to see you, I who feared I would not see you alive again. .
5th February
HE IS NOT AT HOME. He received a phone call that his eldest son was wounded (his nose was broken), accident or fight, it seems not clear from what they say here. He left by car. The car was at his disposal, but there was no driver. One driver was found; he turned up at two a.m. At four a.m. Guruji and wife and Bhim, the youngest son, left. I feel like an orphan… sat there for one hour in the morning. Went to Moti Jheel for a walk. But it was hot and too much glare. Went home, rested, and had lunch. Went there in the afternoon. Sat until seven.
6th February
HE IS STILL NOT HERE. Nobody knows when he will come, as usual…. Sat in the morning till twelve. And in the evening until seven.
7th February
HE CAME LAST NIGHT ABOUT EIGHT. The incident with his son was serious. Some rogues wanted to murder him, to throw him into the well. He was beaten up and his nose was broken. The culprit was arrested. It was a case of mistaken identity; they took him for somebody else, against whom they had a grudge.
Paramatma mahan hai—God is great.
Paramatma samip hai—God is near.
The last two nights I woke up many times. I think it was the longing tearing my heart to pieces. God is near this morning.
Practiced la-il-llillah, and have been thinking that I want Him now more than ever before….
In front of the large veranda in Sharma’s garden where we take all the meals stands a nimbu tree (lime tree). It is covered with flowers… small, waxy flowers, of five petals, white with yellow center… and the fragrance is very similar to the wild cyclamen which grow so freely in the Alps and in Tyrol. It is perhaps my favorite scent apart from roses. It is light, elusive, is here and not here, with the whiff of the breeze. For a long time I stood and looked at it. Sparrows sat on the branches and picked at the flo
wers. Many flowers were lying on the ground; the tree had too many to fruit them all. If the tree had consciousness and could think, it surely would hope that every flower will bring fruit, because fruit represents fulfillment for the tree. But it cannot know which flower and on which branch will bear fruit….
Evening, 7th February
WHEN HE CAME OUT, he looked drawn and tired.
“Any letters?” he asked as an opening. I said there were none. And he spoke about Sharma, about his son and the attack… about his journey and the difficulties. In the tank were only twenty litres of petrol. Seventy miles were each way, and 50 miles they did while coming and going on diverse business. And when coming back after a few miles, everything went wrong with the car which had been in perfect condition. The dynamo did not work for no reason at all, and the tire went flat on the side on which he was sitting. And he said to the members of his family: “Talk amongst yourselves, but don’t talk to me.” The driver went on driving. No petrol anywhere. One car was standing at a petrol station since two a.m. waiting for petrol. No petrol. They drove on.
“Only by His kindness we reached home; how I don’t know.
Life is full of trouble on every side. We have to trust Him absolutely.”
Speaking of one of his disciples he said: “He speaks of irrelevant things. On our line irrelevant things are not said. One must NEVER exaggerate.” I said that this was one of my faults; when I get enthusiastic I exaggerate.
“You may think that I know everything, but really I know nothing.”
I said that after all he has a physical brain; he cannot know everything. But he can tune in at will into the Universal Mind and he will know what he needs to know.
“Yes, it is so,” he said. “And in a way you are right to say that I know all I want to know, but to be a master of it, more is needed.”
“What is Adhikara?”
“Adhikara is the PERMISSION TO TEACH… for instance to teach in the primary school, or college, or university. But COMPLETE or FULL Adhikara is to be MADE A DEPUTY… a permission to teach everything according to the need.
“My family, when I came back, did not speak for five minutes.
Nobody spoke; they only looked at me. Of course they think if something happens to me, the next day there is no food. Nobody earns a decent salary. But on the other hand it happens to everybody. People think parents provide, but in reality help is given through the parents. The Provider provides. He alone. Nobody else.”
Two letters arrived, from H. and from J. It was the letter from H. that he expected, that’s why he asked. How right I am when I say that he knows….
Gupta came into the room; his son-in-law had an accident. Guruji came out with him to the waiting rikshaw. He told me about it in detail afterwards. “How many troubles are in the world. The world is full of trouble.”
How right he was….
8th February
WAS RESTLESS ALL NIGHT. Did the la-il-llillah practice. Fell asleep towards the morning. Noticed that the whole body was trembling with vibrations. He seems to send vibrations early in the morning, I noticed. Especially in the back, at the shoulder blades. This I began to notice increasingly since I am back, but never before so strong as this morning. But it did not cause either heat or suffering. It was quite bearable.
When he came out he looked less tired. “How are you, anything new?” I told him that there was a letter from H. “No other news?
Everything all right?” he asked again. I said everything was all right.
He spoke for a long time with his brother and his son about some cement and some building work to be done. Then he spoke to me for quite a while. And here is what he said:
“We went for fifty-seven miles completely without petrol. How was it? A car cannot go for a few yards without petrol. And we went for so many miles… it was done.” Then he spoke of the accident of Gupta’s son-in-law who is very nervous and whose sister is seriously injured. Then he wanted to buy some Amruds (guavas), for which I asked the permission to pay. Afterwards I mentioned that Babu Ram told me a story which seems quite pointless to me.
“Which story?” he wanted to know. I told him it was the story about the Guru of Raipur who beat a man to death and then resurrected him and made him a Wali.
“I was present then, when it happened. I was there, and my Rev. Guru was there, and others too. The boy was the son of a disciple and the whole family were disciples of his: father, mother, uncles, all of them. They were all sitting there, and also the Master, the Teacher of the boy. The boy had a natural smiling face; he seemed always to smile, like my Rev. Father… he also had this expression. The Master looked at the boy and said: ‘Why are you smiling?’ And the boy kept smiling. At that time everybody used to have a stick. I still have mine today; you never saw me go out without a stick. So, with the stick in his hand he began to beat the boy till the stick was broken. The boy kept the smile on his face. When the stick broke, he grabbed the heavy piece of wood with which wrestlers practice, and he continued to beat and beat till the head entered the shoulders and the shoulders into the body. One could not recognize who it was—nothing was there, just a mass of broken bones… flesh and blood were everywhere. Then he stopped and said to the relatives of the boy: ‘What is this? Am I not at liberty to do as I like?’
” ‘Yes,’ they said, ‘we belong to you for life or death; you can do with us what you like.’ ‘Yes,’ he said, ‘I can do what I like,’ and he went inside. Some say he was sitting and chewing betel nut. Then he came out. ‘What is this?’ he asked. ‘Who is lying here?’ And, pointing to the mass of broken flesh which once was a human being, he said in commanding voice: ‘Get up!’ And the boy got up and was whole, and not a scar was seen on him. And he was told by his Teacher that from now on he is a Wali. He was a Wali all his life. He was a land proprietor. When people were grazing their cows and cattle happened to trespass his property and ruined everything and some complained, he used to say: ‘Let it be! They have to eat somewhere!’ And the crop used to be twice as much as usual. Every year he brought seers and seers (a weight measure) of sweetmeat to his Teacher, and grain and all sort of fruit of the earth. ‘You have come?’ asked the Teacher. And after five minutes he sent him back.
Yes, he was a Wali all his life…. “
I said that it seems pointless to kill a man and then to make him a Saint. Why commit such action?
“Oh no,” he said with vivacity, and how young he looked, when he was like that. “You see, to make a Wali, it takes thirty or forty years.
The physical body, the heart, the mind, is subjected to great suffering to clear out all the evils which are in the human being.
And here the work was done in half an hour. How many evils were cleared away completely through such a terrible suffering. The boy loved him so much, always was sitting and looking at him. Never spoke before him. And was killed. Of course he was ready to be a Wali. Things are done in different ways according to the time and the people of the time.” He concluded and fell silent, narrowing his eyes looking into the far distance.
After a while I said—and I felt some reluctance to speak… did not want to interrupt the silence, such peace was enclosing us: “The Saint can make anything perfect, but he always will wait for the order of God.”
“Oh, no, not at all!” He turned his head quickly, looking at me.
“One does not wait for inspiration; all is within, is contained within. One can make gold from iron.”
“Every iron?”
“Every iron,” he said emphatically. “But one cannot make it from brass or lead. It must be iron. There are Souls who are made in this way, and the Master selects them. They have the capacity to become Saints.”
“It was Attar who said that every Soul is born with a Light within, and this Light is kindled within the Soul.”
“In the dynasty of Attar many years ago they attached great importance to the Light. But we do not. What is Light? You can say that you see Light in me, Light in my
eyes, but it is only an effect of something else. It is the Bliss within the Soul—the Soul is made of Bliss, and one can describe it as Light. Light per se, is nothing. If by capacity is meant Light, then it is correct,” he said, when I told him that according to my understanding this is the meaning of it.
Then I told him that when I practice La-il-llillah, a vibration usually starts approximately near the shoulder blades where the lungs are.
“It is a very nice practice; you can do it, but I didn’t give you any practice to do. With ladies we send vibrations of love, that’s all. But it does not mean that ladies never need any practice. It is according to the necessity of each human being. If I would teach you La-il-llillah correctly, the world will be yours. The human being becomes very powerful. Power can be abused… what then?”
“One should want to do only the Will of God.” He nodded.
“La-il-llillah is so powerful because it was given by a living Soul. If you repeat “Aham Brahma Asmi” for instance, nothing will happen, because it was not given by a living Soul. Sometime, very long ago, it was given, but there is no succession, no continuity.” At my inquiry if I should continue with it he said again: “It is a nice practice; you can do it if you want.” But from this answer I gathered that it is not absolutely essential in my case.
“What is a sitting?”
“It is what you have seen being done to the Mohammedan.”
“But I thought that one must be alone with the Master… and nobody to disturb.”
“Yes, this is the usual way,” he agreed. “But one can give at any time, anywhere. You have seen he was in a deep state, and people were coming and going and even talking. He will get more; it is his, it is not mine. It is his,” he repeated. Then he got up. “Did you get the idea?” I said, I did, but I also told him that it is difficult to remember everything he tells me—with the strong vibrations and the mind not working.
“Never mind,” he laughed gaily. “It is all being registered in the brain of brains!” And how right he was. In London how often I remembered something he said which I thought I had completely forgotten. So, the Mohammedan had the capacity, for it was his… and in his young days he never worked, never studied, went here and there like the children of the Guru, so Babu Ram told me…. How can we judge who is great and who is not?” He said once.
Daughter of Fire Page 66
