Then for one moment I felt like fainting. But I suffered from great giddiness and the sensation of being drunk. H. felt the same….
She left yesterday.
I asked Babu Ram Prasad how to practice Shirk with breath. I hope he explained it well. I will ask Bhai Sahib when the opportunity arises. But at any rate when I practiced it this morning, vibrations started. So, it cannot be very wrong; I think I understood all right.
This morning I had unbelievable peace. He came out late, spoke only Hindi; many men were sitting who remained after the Bandhara for a few more days. Talk, talk, talk… endlessly. And I will be sitting again, for weeks, for months, waiting… waiting for something which seems never to happen…. He will probably subject me to boredom… to all sorts of tests of endurance.
“Not the same trouble… this is in the past, but there will be some trouble.” So he said, I remember, soon after we came. I keep praying. He is near, but not too near anymore.
60 Faith and Love are One
“CHISHTIA MEANS ‘GALLOPING’—they realize through vibrations of music. Nakshibandis do the Sadhana in silence. Naksha means ‘impression.’ Where? In the heart. Hazrat Harun was the founder of the Dynasty. He had a Pir, a Guru. His Guru loved him very much, therefore the other disciples had a grudge against him; they were jealous. One day the Guru had to go away and he ordered Hazrat to paint a certain quantity of pots, black, with the inscription ‘Allah’
in white. But Hazrat, owing to many devotional practices, forgot to do it. When the Pir arrived, the other disciples immediately informed him of the forgetfulness of his favorite disciple. The Pir asked him: ‘Did you paint the pots as ordered?’ ‘Yes,’ said Hazrat. All the disciples were furious. He is not only forgetful but a pukka liar!, they said. Pir went into the room where the pots were standing.
Hazrat by profession was a pot-painter. But as Hazrat glanced at the pots standing there, owing to his great devotion and the Grace of God, all the pots were standing black with the white lettering as ordered. Since then, his Guru gave him the name: ‘Nakshibandi,’ the ‘impresser.’ “
I was sure that he would take me in hand after the Bandhara. He began today. Verily he did not waste any time. Since H. had left, the very same evening he changed his tactics completely. Again he does not speak to me and his face is severe. This morning they all went inside; I am sitting alone outside. He talks exclusively in Hindi. I come and go hardly being noticed. This morning in bed the vibrations were tremendous, especially in the heart. I seemed to fly; the head was light, the same feeling as one has in the rarefied air of the high altitudes in the mountains. So, clearly he had begun again. He promised troubles. I do the Shirk to transmute feelings which may arise.
30th January, 1966
HE SPOKE TO ME FOR A LONG TIME about tremendously important things. And I cannot write it down… my mind is nowhere and no memory of it remained… everybody had left. Bhai Sahib went inside. I am sitting alone trying desperately to remember. Vultures circle in large sweeps high above in the clear azure of the sky. The dry, dusty garden is full of fragrance. Fragrance of what? Heaven knows.
Some subtle fragrance, impossible to define. Somebody was playing the bagpipe next door. My heart was at peace. Mr. Vippin came and we discussed the Spiritual Path and the training. He came out later and soon we went to the home of one of his disciples for lunch. The disciple also invited me; I told him that I never go anywhere, but as Guruji goes, I will come too. After lunch I was looking at him while he was talking and listening to people. His eyes… he was in a high state of consciousness. I know it by the expression of his eyes. He was not here at all; and still he spoke and laughed and answered when spoken to. He looked perfect to me in this moment.
But I had better try, at least partially, to put down what he said this morning.
“In a few days you can write to R. After such a violent death, explosion and burning alive, there is no peace for a while. Last night he was not quite at peace. That’s why I told you yesterday to wait for a few days for an answer. Perhaps tomorrow or the day after he will be at peace. We will see… then you can write. They go out by one way. Everybody goes out by one way. But if for instance you throw out a bundle of wood through this sky-light, what will happen? You break the sky-light and the wood will crash to pieces too. They have no peace for a while after such a death. I saw people burned to death; it cannot be imagined what terrible suffering it was… how can there be peace after that?”
“And what about Great People like Christ or Mansur? Did they also have no peace?”
“One should not compare Great People, for they have died before the physical death. Such people are made to die, not once, but many times. That’s why they are beyond comparison. You should not ask such questions.”
I was standing while we were talking. How difficult it is to stand in front of him; I feel like fainting. Sat down opposite him and he began to say many things of which I remember nothing. But in substance he affirmed that the Guru is absolutely perfect. I denied that, saying that only God can be absolutely perfect. Perfection is impossible within limitation.
“If it fulfills its purpose, it is perfect,” he was saying, pointing to the iron chair standing in front of him. “This chair is perfect because it fulfills its purpose.”
I said that it is functional but not perfect. “It is unstable, for one leg is shorter than the others and it is very uncomfortable and too small. So it does not fulfill its purpose properly, the purpose for which it was made. Can man make absolutely perfect objects? I don’t think so. You, for instance are perfect when working in the higher vehicles out of the physical body, but as a human being you are bound to have imperfections.”
“The Master is perfect because he can make others perfect,” he said.
But I said that there are degrees of perfection. The degree in the Master is greater, for he is nearer to the Truth, less subject to the law of opposites. But I could not accept the concept of absolute perfection on the physical plane.
31st January
HAVE BEEN THINKING OVER what he was telling me yesterday and this morning. I understand why he said it. It was one of the tests. Three years ago such statements would have disturbed my mind very much. Not now… he can say what he likes. It is of no real importance. The knowledge I won’t get from his words. It comes from somewhere, by itself, when needed. I saw how it worked in London. He will tell me nothing. And if he does tell me something it is mostly done to confuse me and to test me. He said that the mind has to die. He gave me this hint again during the conversation: “One thinks the Master is this or that; what sort of a man he is, I myself know more, etc. etc. Doubts take a long time to go completely; that’s why one has to remain for years.
“IF THERE IS NOT ONE DOUBT LEFT, ONE HAS ACHIEVED ONENESS WITH THE MASTER.”
“Absolute faith IS SURRENDER. One accepts absolutely. No difference remains.”
Then he proceeded to disturb my mind, telling me something which was not correct, and he knew that I knew that it was not correct, and could not accept it. But didn’t he once say, long ago: “If the Teacher says this chair is black, you MUST SEE IT BLACK.” I am still not at this stage…. But at least the mind did not give me trouble.
This is already something….
And in the evening when he came out, he kept glancing at me as he usually does when he suspects some disturbance. But there was none… he saw it. And later in the room he went into Samadhi, and such waves of love were flooding my heart that I had to fight back the tears…. What is done with the human heart is nobody’s business….
I remember now that he said during the conversation: “My Father and my Rev. Guru Maharaj kept testing me in every way, but never I failed.” And later he added: “If one loves and then loves not, this is not love. Love must be constant, no matter what happens.”
One of Pushpa’s tenants asked me about my experiences; we had a long conversation about training, the Nearness and the experience of living with God, and th
e feeling really is that He is within and without and there is nothing but Him….
“My Father and my superiors answered questions of that kind IN A GUARDED WAY; NEVER told it was their own experience.” I understood.
“When you go on a journey, you make all preparations; you take all the necessities and money and food, and you send a message to those who are at the place where you go, to meet you, to look after you. When you go on the last journey, no preparations are made.
Man, do prepare yourself for the last journey Do prepare yourself in time.
When your Beloved will call you, will there be time to prepare?
When your Beloved comes to fetch you, you cannot stay You cannot say: wait till I am ready….
When you are dead, all your relations go behind and cry for you And call your name; your palanquin goes behind you But you go alone, ahead, to face your Beloved….
“Did you get the idea?” he asked smilingly.
“Very much so,” I said. “It means we must learn to die while alive.
Yesterday, you said that the Great Ones die many times before they finally go.”
“They go on dying,” he said nodding slowly. “Dying all the time.
And when they go, their Grace remains…. “And after a pause: “The Master is the keeper of the Grace of God on earth. Only he can give it. There are exceptions. But they are very rare. Only very, very few can reach The Reality without the Master.”
DREAM: a long one in which I was with him all the time. I don’t remember the whole of it, only one situation. But the feeling of the dream was of serenity and of “being together.” The situation, the only one I remember, is the following:
He was sitting about fifteen feet in front of me, not exactly in the dark but in the shade. His back was turned to me; he was sitting in Sufi posture, knees drawn up. He was covered with the brown blanket he usually has; on his head was his white topi. I was sitting on a large tachat covered with a white sheet and was dressed in white pajamas. I also was sitting with my knees drawn up, and seeing that he was in Samadhi I also closed my eyes and forgot myself in meditation. When I opened my eyes, I saw that he was sitting beside me, to my right scarcely three feet away.
“I thought that you are there,” I said pointing to the place I saw him first. “I did not realize that you are sitting near me!” He only smiled. He sat without a blanket, his knees drawn up, and behind him was a large window full of sunshine.
“Can I tell you my dream?” I asked in the morning. “Later,” he said. They all were talking Hindi. After a while some of them left, and he told me to tell him the dream. I did and said that the meaning is clear; it does not need an interpretation.
“No, not at all,” he mumbled, his eyes veiled with Samadhi.
I am always there about four… and I sit alone under the mango tree. He does not come out before six. Then they all sit and talk or go in Dhyana. The sky was paling; it became dark. Suddenly he turned to me: “What is faith? Explain it!”
Taken by surprise, I said: “Faith is something one must have in spite of all adverse circumstances, in spite of all deceptive appearances. Faith only comes when one loves.” And I was thinking what was done to me and how I had to have faith.
“Faith and Love are one. Faith is not belief, and it is not action either. If it is action, then there is a strong attachment—it need not be faith. Love and Faith are one and the same thing.”
“Oh, but I thought that faith comes only when one loves first.”
“Yes, at the beginning love is separate; faith is separate; service is separate. But the time comes when all is one. Only one remains.
Later this one also goes.”
How simple, I thought. Too simple for words. Until now, I was not quite clear what was meant by absolute surrender; the concept was somewhat hazy… confusing. I never knew what to make of it.
Only now, after years, he expressed it quite clearly.
But at this very moment it seemed not at all difficult to me….
“It is not difficult,” I said, looking at his eyes shining in the dark. “If there is great love, it is not at all difficult.”
1st February
I MUST SPEAK TO HIM about the mark on my forehead. I have the feeling that it has some significance. Noticed it since I came here; it is gradually increasing in size, becoming deeper, and very often in the mornings it is red. It looks as if it was made with fire, my small finger actually fits into it… as if a fiery finger had been pressed against the skull—the impression is in the bone which has a deepening there, and the skin is red. It was not very noticeable before; it seemed to me that I saw it in London faintly, but I am not at all sure. At any rate it was not so marked to that extent, and it goes on increasing, becoming clearer and clearer. I drew H.‘s attention to it a few weeks ago.
He is sitting in a deep state, and everybody around is likewise in deep Dhyana. I alone am wide awake, writing, looking up from time to time. He has an unearthly look about him when in a deep state.
Two chipmunks are chasing each other around the trunk of the mango tree. Two magnificent, pale grey oxen, huge and with large humps are passing majestically in the street, trailing an oxcart behind them fitted with lorry tires. A tiny old man is excitedly shouting at them swinging a thin rod. He looks so funny like Jack in the Box, jumping up and down, and the oxen impassively, placidly, ignore him….
I wonder why he said, when he spoke of perfection, affirming that the Master is perfect on the physical plane: “You will understand it one day, not now.” He repeated this sentence twice.
I wonder why, for he cannot mean it… or it must have a different, perhaps esoteric meaning, which is beyond my understanding for the moment…. The Master is perfect somewhere, but on the physical plane he is subject to limitations. The limitations are here, but great love can make us overlook them. One does not see, does not notice them. They are not in the least important. Is the meaning of his words to be interpreted that love should increase to such an extent that all else becomes irrelevant?
My heart is singing all the time, endlessly, in great peace and utter stillness. But I am aware that he is trying all the time to confuse my mind, and I confess for a moment an acute sense of irritation came over me. Not again! I thought. But with the speed of lightning a thought flashed into my mind: he is trying to help me!
All is done to get me quicker to the Goal… and the resentment vanished….
“The Master is the sole dispenser and keeper of peace. The nearer you are to him, the greater the peace and bliss will be. If there are disturbances, you are still far away…. “
But he certainly does his best to disturb the mind; there is no doubt about that….
The last few days were like a song. And this morning is the most peaceful state, sitting here, a light wind in my face ruffling my hair. It is still very early.
Told him about the mark. He asked if I feel any trouble there, an itch, or a pain, or a pressure. I said no, I did not. The skin looks healthy apart from this reddish color and there is no pain at all. I added that I felt that it had a significance. He nodded, his eyes as if veiled with bluish light, as always, when he looks at something beyond the physical. I suggested tentatively (hoping for an explanation) that this mark has nothing to do with the physical body.
Perhaps there are happenings somewhere which can have a reflection upon the body? Have I been marked somehow, by something, or somebody? He did not answer. When.his consciousness came back, he turned to a man seated next to him and began a conversation in Hindi.
Soon he retired, telling me to sit until half past twelve. It was only 11 :30, so I sat. One by one the others left.
2nd February
“WE ARE ALWAYS TAUGHT: think before you speak. This is for others; it is not for us. I never think beforehand. I say the first thing which comes into my head; the first thought is from God.”
He was luminous last night. At one time he asked what is Chishtia and what is Nakshmandia, and I told him w
hat I have learned from Babu Ram Prasad.
H. rang from Delhi; she was at the airport coming from Adyar, waiting for a plane for Tel Aviv. She sounded like a little girl without a mother. Forlorn and lost. Fancy to want to come for one day…
crazy …. It took me time and effort to persuade her to continue her journey. And the line was so bad I had to shout and could hardly understand her. Poor child….
As soon as he came out, I told him that H. phoned from Delhi… and she sounded distressed. It is becoming more and more difficult to speak to him, especially when I have to stand before him. The body began to tremble, such were the vibrations. I was breathless, could hardly get out a few words; my mouth was dry. Asked him for permission to speak to him about H., when he had time. He nodded severely. All the time, while I was sitting, he kept glancing and looking at me periodically. My heart stood still each time, such was the power of his eyes. The body was under suffering. Then he went in very early; it was only half past ten. Even now I am still trembling while writing this. I am under pressure again. It is more evident.
Great changes are taking place in the body, I feel. Some transmutation is taking place? Or something was done to the mind? Only he knows.
3rd February
HE CALLED ME INSIDE YESTERDAY MORNING. Told him about the phone call from H., but was incoherent, could not speak to him. Something like a tremendous storm was blowing through my heart, could hardly catch breath. It was like fighting against high wind when walking in the altitude. One cannot breathe properly. The mind stops working in complete blankness from time to time, periodically.
Daughter of Fire Page 65
