“What makes you think she wants to see you?”
“Sandy—”
“You’ve got a lot of nerve showing up here, Anna. How could you do that to Lily after all she’s been through?”
Anna hadn’t anticipated such an attack. “Sandy, I know you’re Lily’s friend, but this is between Lily and me. I just need to talk to her.”
“She isn’t here.”
“But her car—”
“I dropped her off.” Sandy stepped into her house but left the door open in apparent invitation, albeit unwelcome.
Anna followed her into the living room and slumped wearily onto the couch. “Is she okay?”
“No, she isn’t. She knows she’s been drinking too much, but she feels like you abandoned her instead of helping her stop.”
She felt tears pooling in her eyes. “I knew this would happen.”
“Anna, what were you thinking?”
“I tried to help her, Sandy, but it kept getting worse. No matter what I did . . .” She wondered if Sandy knew the whole story about how bad things had been. “But I talked to someone who said I had to step back and let her fall because I was enabling her.”
Sandy looked at her with sudden interest. “Who told you that?”
“An alcohol counselor. He said she had to feel the consequences before she would ever start to help herself, and that she had to do it for herself, not for me.”
“So this was all a plan?”
“Of course it was. Except now I don’t think it was such a good idea. I’ve been worried the whole time that she might think I didn’t love her anymore, but I do. So I went to talk to her and ask her to come back home, and her car was gone. I’ve been driving all over town all weekend looking for her.”
Sandy stood up and started to pace. Anna couldn’t imagine why she was suddenly smiling. “And you knew all along where she was staying?”
Anna nodded. “She called me a couple of days after she left and I traced it. I’ve been driving by there every night with Chester.” And now that she knew where Lily was, she was determined to bring her home. “But it’s time to end this.”
“I’m not so sure of that, Anna. I think your plan worked.”
“What do you mean?” She listened with astonishment as Sandy related their trip to Oakland and the brush with Karen Parker.
“I think she hit bottom, but now she’s ready to climb back up,” Sandy said.
“Maybe she’ll let me help her now.”
“I’m more worried that she’ll change her mind. Give her a couple more days. If she does this on her own, she has a better chance of making it.”
After feeling that Lily had slipped away from her over the weekend, Anna was reluctant to lose this chance to talk to her about coming home. But Sandy was right that this had been her plan all along—for Lily to realize she had a problem and do something about it. It was worth a few more days to see if it would work.
“Redwood Hills. Sounds like a retirement home,” Lily groused.
“Or a ski resort,” Sandy said, her voice bubbly and optimistic.
“Yeah, a ski resort for retired people.”
Sandy helped her stow the last of her things in the small closet. The plain look of the Waterways Lodge was positively gaudy compared to her new digs. The tiny second-floor room to which she had been assigned had a small bathroom and closet on one side, built-in drawers and a writer’s desk on the other. Opposite the door and beneath the window was a simple twin bed with a bedspread in institutional green.
“The only thing missing is a cross over the bed,” Lily muttered. “I wonder if Sister Bernadette carved her initials on the wall.”
“Lily, you’ve been living in a motel for a month eating out of vending machines. Surely this is an improvement.”
“At least I didn’t have to talk to anybody there.” Since the moment she committed to the four-week program at Redwood Hills, she had second-guessed herself. Did she really need something this intensive?
Unfortunately, it was Redwood Hills or nothing, as Judge Anston had denied her request for extended driving privileges so she could attend a day treatment program. He liked this program and thought she would have a better chance of success by giving it her all.
“I should call Anna and let her know where I am.”
Sandy sat down on the bed. “Maybe you should get this behind you first, Lily. Then you can start with a clean slate.”
That had been her thinking when she first moved out—that she would go without a drink for a couple of weeks on her own as proof she could handle it on her own—but she had come up short. “What if I don’t get through this?”
“You will.”
“But I haven’t talked to her in almost a month, Sandy. Shouldn’t I at least tell her I’m doing what she told me to do?”
“I’m sure she knows you’re working through things, Lily. I’ve seen you and Anna together enough to know she loves you, and it’s probably driving her crazy not to know what’s going on. But this isn’t about her. You have to do this for yourself.”
Lily was still obsessing over Anna’s trip to San Diego. If that was a sign of how concerned Anna was over her well-being and their relationship, it might all be lost already. Sandy was probably right that her only hope for salvaging things with Anna was to start from scratch with a clean slate.
She walked over to the window and peered out. She had chosen Redwood Hills from a half dozen other programs because it was set in the foothills of the San Gabriel Mountains above Pasadena. On a clear day—if she should happen to be there on such a day—she would be able see the entire LA basin from the front lawn.
Since her admission was voluntary, she was technically free to leave the grounds for a hike on the hillside. But on the advice of the intake counselor, she had agreed to limit her outings, as well as her visitors and telephone contacts. With every minute that passed, she felt more isolated. “Sandy, promise me that you’ll come get me if I call you.”
Sandy gave her a warm hug. “You’re going to be fine here, Lily.”
“Promise me,” she insisted. She needed to know there was a safety net, even if she never used it.
“Okay, if that’s what you really want. But you promise me that you’ll try as hard as you can to finish this program, all twenty-eight days.”
“Scout’s honor,” she answered, holding up two fingers in a pledge.
“I love you, Lil.”
“I love you, too. I wouldn’t stand a chance in this world without a friend like you.”
“You’re tougher than you think.” One last hug and Sandy was gone.
And Lily was all alone. Again.
“I can’t tell anyone. She made me promise,” Sandy said over the phone.
Anna was in panic mode again now that Lily’s car had gone missing, especially after learning she had checked out of the Waterways Lodge. “Sandy, why is she hiding from me? Why hasn’t she called?” More each day, Anna worried the distance between her and Lily was growing too vast to overcome.
“She wanted to call you, Anna, but I told her to wait. The way you were talking last weekend, I was worried she might change her mind and come home. She needs to do this.”
For the last month, Anna had made the most of her nightly visits to Playa del Rey, feeling as if she was watching over Lily. She could only hope that wherever Lily was now, she would be safe. “Will you tell her something for me?”
“She already knows you love her. And I know she loves you too. But what she’s doing now is bigger than that. If she doesn’t beat this, she’ll never be the partner you need, or even the friend that I want.”
Yes, Lily was getting the help she needed. But Anna hadn’t considered until just now that they might not survive this as a couple. “Just please tell her I love her, Sandy.”
“If she calls me, I will. But you need to be patient for Lily’s sake.”
Anna didn’t have any choice. “Can you at least tell me if she’s all right?”
“She’s pretty sad. But I think she’s going to be fine. In fact, I think you’re both going to be fine.”
That was the best news Anna had heard since the day Lily left.
If it weren’t for her caffeine addiction, Lily would have skipped breakfast. She wasn’t yet ready to meet her fellow patients, the other “inmates” as she thought of them. She’d had no idea how difficult this first step would be.
The information packet in her room contained her daily schedule for the first week. Nearly all her time was structured, either in some sort of therapy or meeting. Added together, it totaled twelve hours a day she was expected to spend with others. Facing a program like that, Lily wasn’t sure she would make it through Sunday, let alone twenty-seven more days.
Hearing voices in the hallway, she peered out and was relieved to find others dressed casually. Comfortable that she wouldn’t stand out in her jeans and T-shirt, she headed out for coffee.
The dining hall was the largest room at Redwood Hills. According to her schedule, it doubled as the site of the general meetings. Four long tables, each seating eight diners on each side, were lined up perpendicular to the buffet line on one side and an elevated speaker’s platform on the other.
The first person who spoke to her was a fortyish man, tall and barrel-chested, sporting a thinly sculpted beard with no mustache. “Good morning,” he said, placing an arm around her shoulder with undue familiarity. “Welcome to Redwood Hills. My name’s Randy. And you are . . . ?”
Lily lifted the large hand from her shoulder, letting it drop behind her where it brushed against her rear. “Good morning, Randy. My name is Lily, and I’m not really a morning person.”
Spotting the industrial-sized percolator on a table at the side, Lily navigated her way around the groups of chatting “inmates” to grab a cup from the stack. As the line formed for bacon, eggs and hotcakes, she ducked out of the crowd to avoid having to interact. From her seat at the table farthest from the door, she could see the entire room. Gradually, all of the tables began to fill with diners, and soon she was joined by a beautiful woman of about fifty, her long black hair showing the first tinges of gray. As the woman briefly flashed startling blue eyes in her direction, Lily couldn’t help but think of Anna, who she knew would be every bit as lovely as she aged.
“Hi, my name’s Virginia. You have that ‘what-the-hell-am-Idoing-here?’ look that says it’s your first day.”
Despite her anxiety about the growing crowd, Lily was eased by the woman’s smile and disarming nature. “Yeah, it’s my first day. I’m Lily. Nice to meet you.” She held out her hand shyly and Virginia took it.
“Lily. My grandmother’s name was Lily. I even considered naming my oldest child after her, but I doubt he’d have liked that much as he got older.”
Lily smiled, thinking she didn’t mind conversation so much when it had nothing to do with why they all were here.
“We should hit the line and grab some breakfast, Lily. It’s a long time before lunch, and there’s no guarantee it’ll be something you like.”
She really was hungry, especially since she had stayed in her room through dinner the night before. She and Virginia filled their plates and returned to their table. “How long have you been here?”
“I finished the program three and a half years ago. Now I fill in here as a weekend counselor, and I even pull chaplain duty if they need it.”
Lily was caught by surprise, but not upset. “That was pretty sneaky.”
“Sorry. I always slip in on Sunday morning to help the new people feel at home. I bet you weren’t even going to eat until I led the way.”
“Probably not.” She looked around, noting that almost all the tables were full, and people were chattering away. “So am I the only new person today?”
“Yes and no,” Virginia answered with a sly grin. “There are a couple of other folks starting the program today, but they’ve been here before.”
Lily didn’t like the sound of that. “The program didn’t work the first time?”
“The program always works, Lily. But the people have to work too.”
“That sounds like those miracle diet pills . . . the ones that are guaranteed to work, as long as you limit your food intake to carrot sticks, and you exercise for six hours a day.”
Virginia laughed. “In some ways, that’s exactly what it’s like. But trust me, it works.”
At eight sharp, two men and a woman moved to take chairs on the platform. The youngest, a man about twenty-five years old, took the podium and announced, “Good morning. My name is Tyler, and I’m an alcoholic.”
“Good morning, Tyler,” the crowd responded in unison.
“God, what a day!”
Lily collapsed on her small bed. She had counted fifty-one others at each of the general meetings, concluding that “general” was a euphemism for “mandatory.” Between those two meetings, there was a step meeting that focused on the first of the infamous twelve steps, admitting powerlessness over alcohol and imploring a higher power for help. Lily wasn’t yet ready to admit to being powerless, or that she needed a higher power. But she couldn’t deny that her life had become unmanageable.
Then there was the group therapy session, followed by lunch and more meetings. In all, she had heard nineteen testimonials, some more than once. For the most part, Lily didn’t think her own story was as dismal as those told by the others. Alcohol abuse had been a way of life for them, causing them to lose their families, their jobs . . . shit. But none of them had told about losing their mother, or of walking through life feeling like you didn’t belong to anybody.
She had shared a lot about her mom in the individual therapy session with Virginia, but she didn’t feel much like talking about Anna. In fact, when the counselor had asked her if there was someone she would like to invite next weekend to take part in family therapy, she had declined, saying she had no family.
Tyler, the young man who started off the morning meeting, was her peer counselor for the week. He was starting his third week in the program. In her second week, Lily would be paired with someone in their final week of treatment. By the third week, she would be assigned to a newcomer, a notion that had her anxious already. It was impossible to imagine trying to lead someone else through this program.
Tyler had spent their hour together talking about the program, about the things he had learned and how he had come to accept who he was and what he must do to turn his life around.
At the evening meeting, all of the newcomers were asked to stand. An older guy Lily remembered as William walked around the room handing out white poker chips. The chip, she learned, was to commemorate her first day of sobriety. Counting back to the night before she was suspended from her job, Lily noted that today was in fact her eleventh day without a drink.
“Any chance you could make some time to have lunch with your old man?”
Anna was startled to see her father standing in the doorway of the conference room at the VW dealership. “I suppose I could arrange that.”
“Good. You’ve been pretty hard to pin down lately.”
Not wanting to have to explain Lily’s absence, Anna had turned down their invitations to dinner over the last three weeks, citing her overwhelming workload. She couldn’t deny that she missed seeing her family, and was glad for the chance to talk with her father again. “So how’s the golf game?”
“It’s getting there, I think. But I’m still kind of rusty, you know. Can’t seem to remember all the swear words.”
“You should hang out in our VW service area sometime. It’s quite a refresher.”
“I’m sure it is.” He escorted her out and into his car. “Empyre’s?”
“Sure.” It would be nice to get away from her desk for a while. With Lily out of reach, she had been spending too much time at work.
“This retirement gig . . . it’s good for the golf game. But I think Martine’s getting tired of me already. She says I need more hobbies.”
An
na laughed. “I bet Kim would sell you Hal’s boat.”
“No kidding.” They reached the restaurant and were seated at a quiet table for two. “I have an idea for a new hobby.” He gave her a boyish grin.
“What are you up to?”
“How about letting me take the reins at the VW dealership?”
Anna stared for a moment with her mouth agape. “You’ve got to be kidding! You gave all that up because you wanted to spend more time with Martine and Jonah. How are you going to do that?”
“I’ve learned my lesson, and you need to learn it too. Put in an honest day’s work, and then go home. Premier generates enough revenue to pay two or three more managers. Let them work weekends and give yourself a couple of days off.”
Anna hated to tell him she was already doing that. “But why VWs? You’ve been selling BMWs for thirty years.”
“I’m bored.”
She looked at him in disbelief. “Mom’s going to kill me.”
“Don’t bet on it. I don’t think she had any idea how much trouble I can be when I don’t have anything to do.”
It would be great to get back to her own office. And her father was right about the effect of more managers. At least the BMW dealership was running smoothly. “All right, Dad. When can you start?”
He opened his menu. “Let’s eat first.”
“I can’t believe this. After all these years, you work for me now.”
“Except I won’t deal with the IRS anymore. Or the Chamber of Commerce.”
“Fine.” Hal handled their taxes now, and she had finished her term as Chamber treasurer last year.
“Oh, and we’re having your birthday party next Sunday . . . two o’clock by the pool. Steak and cake, your mom says.”
Her stomach sank as she realized the implications. “I don’t know, Dad. After thirty, these birthdays just aren’t such a big deal anymore. Why don’t we wait a while until things settle down a bit more?”
“Nonsense. You have to be the one to settle down.”
“I know. It’s just . . .” She was prepared to lie again, to say that Lily was swamped, or that she had to leave town for a conference.
Aftershock Page 17
