Dirty Desires

by Michelle Love

  My body has become a real traitor to me of late.

  Artimus took a seat in one of the overstuffed brown leather chairs and pointed to another one. “Have a seat.”

  “I don’t—” I began to protest.

  His eyes went narrow once more. “Have a seat,” came his stern interruption.

  I wasn’t afraid of Artimus. Hell, we were both around the same size and build. I could hold my own if he and I got physical. But I didn’t want that to happen, so I took a seat and another sip. I felt a little bit calmer as I said, “I know you mean well, but I can’t do this anymore. I’m losing too much.”

  “And how is that?” he asked, taking a sip of the Scotch before putting the short crystal glass down on the side table next to him.

  I didn’t want to tell him about anything. I knew it would sound insane. But I also knew he wasn’t going to just let me do what I felt I had to without hearing some kind of an explanation for it. “I know that you think the best thing for me is to go see a shrink. But I know what that Patel woman will want to do to me.”

  He looked at me with concern etching his expression. “You do?”

  “Yes, I do.” I took another drink then put the glass down. “I haven’t told you everything about my fiancée. Her name was Natalia Reddy.”

  “Yes, I’d heard that from Julia and Lila—they do talk a lot, you know” He shook his head as he looked down at the floor. “The fact that you never told me her name has never sat well with me. It made me think that I haven’t been a very good friend to you. I should’ve asked more about her. I know that now.”

  “I’ve kept her all to myself for years now. Only recently have I shared more about her.” I pushed my hand through my hair as I recalled the conversations I’d had with Nina about my fiancée. “And I did that with Nina. I don’t know how she got it out of me, but she did. And now it feels like, because of that, she’s pushed Natalia into the far recesses of my brain. I don’t want her pushed back there. I want her up front, where she’s always been since the moment I met her.”

  Artimus still didn’t get it. “If your fiancée was alive, I could see that,” he said. “But since she isn’t, then it makes no sense. Nina didn’t push anyone out of your head. Nina didn’t force you to tell her things about Natalia, you just did. You did that because you felt like you could trust Nina. And you can trust her.”

  “I can’t trust her.” My hands fisted at my sides as I thought about how things had gone. “I forgot all about Natalia on the most important day. The day of her death.” Raising my head, I glared at Artimus. “Why should I get to enjoy a carefree life while the woman I loved more than life itself is dead? Especially when I’m the reason she’s not here anymore.”

  “The car accident wasn’t your fault,” he said as he shook his head. “And if you will just talk to that therapist, you will be able to see that you are allowed to live again. She can help you. Just try it and see.”

  “I don’t want to try it.” With a deep sigh, I let him in on things I hadn’t before. “You see, I know what any therapist will do. They’ll try to get me to forget Natalia. They’ll tell me to live my life and leave her behind. Well, I don’t want to leave her behind. I want to keep her right where she is. Or was, before Nina came into my life.”

  “Nina’s been in your life for quite some time now. She’s not to blame for anything. You know that. So stop blaming her. That girl doesn’t deserve this. She’s been nothing but good to you, and the way you’re treating her is unacceptable.” He leaned forward, looking at me with what I could only call wisdom in his eyes. “It’s time to do what’s right. Nina doesn’t expect you to be with her. She’s never expected anything out of you. She cares about you more than anyone else does. And for that, she’s gotten the shit end of the deal here. If you aren’t going to get better, then you need to tell her that. You need to let her go.”

  Guilt began to fill me. I had done Nina wrong. I knew I had. “I’m going to quit, Artimus. I can’t work around her anymore. I can’t do my job the way it needs to be done.”

  “I’m not about to accept your resignation, Ashton.” He picked up his glass and took a drink, looking like he was pondering what his next move would be.

  I wasn’t waiting for him to get the jump on me. “You can’t stop me from quitting, Artimus. Don’t fool yourself into thinking that you can. Being around Nina makes me think I can be normal. Be in a normal relationship again. I can’t do that. Not when—”

  He stopped me as he said, “Not when Natalia is dead. Yeah, yeah, I get it. But what you don’t get is that I’m not going to sit here and let you do this to yourself.” He got up and began to pace in front of me. “How could I call myself your friend if I let you quit your job and go off to do God knows what, and eventually lose everything you have? How could I call myself your friend if I allowed you to fall off into some abyss just so that you can what? Die yourself? Be a homeless bum?”

  “I was managing to cope with things just fine before I went and thought I could have something more with Nina. I can go back to that. If I’m not around her, that is.” I got up and went to look out the window at the busy street full of people. “For nearly four years, I’ve managed to get by. I can do it again, once Nina is out of my life.”

  “So Natalia can come back in?” Artimus came and put his hand on my shoulder. “You told me once that you would wake up screaming from nightmares at least once a week. And those nightmares were about the wreck and Natalia’s death. On top of you momentarily forgetting about the date of the accident, are you saying that those dreams have stopped now?”

  “They have.” I closed my eyes and wished I could have those dreams again.

  “And you think that Nina is the reason they’ve stopped?” he asked.

  “She is.” I opened my eyes then turned to look at my friend. “Nina is the one who fills my dreams now. I can’t stop having dreams about her and me ...” I didn’t know if I should tell him what I had dreamt about.

  It didn’t matter in the end, because he told me what he thought I was dreaming about. “Her and you having sex, I bet.”

  All I could do was nod. My throat felt as if it was closing up. I turned away from him to look out the window once more. It helped to watch the people down on the ground. It took my mind away from all the pain I felt.

  “And you’re saying you’d rather have nightmares about the worst day of your life, than have sex dreams about Nina?” he scoffed. I could hear the disbelief in his voice, and when he put it like that, it did sound crazy.

  But he just didn’t understand what it was like.

  I heard Artimus as he walked away from me. I thought that meant he’d given up and was going to ease up on me. But when I heard him making a phone call, I realized I’d been mistaken. “Dr. Patel, this is Artimus Wolfe. We talked earlier about my friend and employee, Ashton Lange.”

  I couldn’t breathe as I turned to look at him. “What are you doing?”

  He didn’t look at me at all as he went on. “Can I send my driver to pick you up and bring you here to my office? My friend is in need of your help. I would call this an emergency. He’s ready to upend his entire life over the ghost of his fiancée.”

  Moving fast, I walked toward the door. He couldn’t make me do anything I didn’t want to.

  Just as I got there, I heard a loud click. When I put my hand on the doorknob, it wouldn’t move. “Artimus! What the hell are you doing?”

  “See you soon, Dr. Patel.” He ended the call then looked at me. “Saving you, Ashton. Someone has to do it. It might as well be me.”

  What the fuck?

  Chapter Fifteen

  Nina

  I got home, took a long hot bath, and then climbed into my bed. It was all of seven o’clock, and I was done for the night. Not exactly what I had envisioned when I left work early.

  My head wasn’t into anything. All I wanted to do was stop thinking about Ashton Lange and how he’d made me feel. But I couldn’t seem to do it. />
  A loud commotion in the living room had me climbing back out of bed to see what was going on. When I opened my bedroom door, I found my roommate, plus some company. Sandy had come in with two guys flanking her. “Oh, my bad. Are you sick, Nina?”

  I looked down at my nightclothes. “Um, no. Just kind of worn out.”

  “You’re home a lot earlier than usual. You should get dressed and come out with us,” she urged me.

  “Yeah, you should,” the guy on her left said. “I feel like a third wheel.”

  “I don’t know.” I was never much one for going out. “Where are you guys going, anyway?”

  Sandy came to me, taking me by the shoulders as she pushed me back into my bedroom. “Somewhere we can get our groove on. Now put on something tight and short that shows lots of skin.”

  The guy who must’ve thought he and I could be third wheels together chimed in, “I like red. And the name’s Ty, by the way. Nice to meet you, Nina.”

  I didn’t have a chance to respond, as Sandy had already pushed me into my room and forced me to sit on the bed. “I had better pick something out for you. You’re good at picking out work clothes, but party clothes are not your forte.”

  “Sandy, I’m not really sure I’m up for partying. Not by your standards, anyway. I could probably just go for some wine and a little jazz.”

  I didn’t go on with my idea of a good time, as Sandy shot me a look that told me I wasn’t cool in the least. “Jazz? Wine? What are you, sixty?” With a toss of her head that sent blonde curls falling over her shoulder, she reached into my closet and pulled out a garment from a few years back. The sexy devil costume that I’d worn once for a Halloween party—and I hadn’t even kept it on the whole time, having felt too uncomfortable.

  “No.” I shook my head furiously. “I should’ve thrown that away. That thing is tight and just too naughty.”

  She held it up to her chest. The red lace corset plunged into a V shape in the front. It left very little to the imagination. And when she found my black leather skirt to pair it with, I just couldn’t stop shaking my head.

  But she nodded. “Yes, this will look amazing on you. And I’ve got red heels that will match. All you need to do is gather your hair up in a messy ponytail and throw on some makeup, and we’ll be good to go. As soon as I change, that is.”

  Peering out my bedroom door, I jerked my head toward it. “Hey, the Ty guy doesn’t think this is a date, does he?”

  “So what if he does?” Her hand went to her ample hip. “All that means is that you won’t be paying for any of your drinks. There are worse things to have than an easy date for the night, girl.”

  “Yeah, but ...” I looked again, to be sure neither of those guys was listening to us. When I found no one anywhere near the door I went on, “Most guys think a date ends with a kiss, at the very least.”

  She laughed so loudly and abruptly that I jumped up and went to put my hand over her loud mouth. She pushed my hand back as her blue eyes danced. “Nina, stop being such a prude. One little kiss won’t kill you. And if you’re lucky ... well, then you’ll get lucky.”

  But I didn’t want to get lucky with anyone other than Ashton. And now, not even him. “I should just stay home. I’m going to ruin that guy’s fun.”

  “No, you won’t.” She walked over to my door, kicked it shut then came at me. “If I have to put these clothes on you myself, then I will.”

  I laughed as she pushed me onto my bed and ripped my shorts right off. “I’ll do it myself! God!”

  Tossing the thin jersey shorts off to one side, she wagged her finger at me. “Hurry up. I want to get going. The night is young, and so are we.”

  She finally left me and I set to work, making myself slutty enough to meet Sandy’s standards. It wasn’t a look I usually went for, but I needed to make some changes anyway. I wasn’t really going to be slutty. But I could look that way for a little while. And I could shake my ass for a few hours, if it helped me get my mind off things.

  A mere half hour later I emerged from my room and found Ty and the guy who was supposed to be Sandy’s date with their jaws gaping. I laughed at their expressions. “Come on, guys. Don’t mess around with me.”

  Ty was quick to walk over to me. His hands took mine as he held me back and looked me over. “All I can say is I’m damn glad I came up here with those two and met you first. You’re something else, baby.”

  “No.” I pulled my hands out of his. “No baby. I’m Nina. You’re Ty, and there will be no exchanging of sweet nicknames or anything like that.”

  “Sandy said you were single.” He eyed me with his large dark eyes. He was cute, really. Tall, dark, and handsome enough. He smelled nice, and his beard was pretty cool too. But he didn’t do it for me.

  I suppose I had a type. Tall, muscular, blond, with eyes as blue as the Caribbean Sea. Ashton Lange was my type. Ty was nearly the polar opposite of the man that I was trying so hard to get out of my mind.

  So, what better way to do that than to hang out with his polar opposite?

  A little while later, we were walking into a dark nightclub where the music was blasting and people were dancing. And drinking. I saw a hell of a lot of drinking.

  Ty bought a couple of drinks at the bar and handed me one. He took a drink and put mine to my mouth, urging me to drink up. Which I did. I needed something to take the edge off.

  My heart wasn’t in this at all. My mind knew I had to get out of my comfort zone, but my heart was telling me that I needed to take it easy. It was hurting; I needed some time.

  But I’d given my heart too much time already.

  Ty had my hand in his, and our drinks were in our other hands as he led me to the dancefloor. Gyrating to a hard beat wasn’t the easiest thing for me to get into, but as I sipped on the fruity drink, it became easier and easier to do.

  Sandy and her guy, who I found out was named Sloan, came up to dance near us. She kept flashing me smiles and nods, along with several thumbs-ups.

  Watching Sandy dance was like watching porn. But that was how most of the people in the club were dancing too. It looked like they were dry humping each other. I imagined most of them actually were doing just that.

  I had never been that kind of a dancer, preferring not to get that damn close to virtual strangers. Ty was being cool about it. He only pulled me close once. When I put my hand on his chest, he smiled and let me go. I supposed it was enough for him to be dancing with me, knowing that I wasn’t going off with anyone else.

  I wasn’t, either. Before we’d gotten to the club I’d asked him to please not leave me to the wolves that night. So far, Ty was being a nice guy about it all.

  But alcohol and dancing might take their toll on the guy, and who knew what would happen then?

  It began to get hot, and I was relieved when Ty took my hand and led me out of the crowd. He took me to a quieter place in the club, and we sat at a table where a waitress came to ask us what we wanted to drink.

  “A couple of gin and tonics,” he ordered us.

  I hadn’t ever had one of those, but I was so thirsty I didn’t care what type of wet liquid came to me. “Thanks, Ty. You’re a pretty nice guy.”

  “Ya think?” His lips pulled up to one side as he sat back and draped his arm over the back of my chair.

  “I hope,” I corrected myself. “The truth is, I am single, but I’ve been crushing on this one guy for about two years now.”

  His dark brows shot up. “Two years?”

  “Yeah.” I turned my head as I felt my cheeks heat up with embarrassment at how surprised he was. “And recently, he made a move on me.”

  “So, where is he then?” he asked as he reached out to take my chin, pulling my face back to look at him.

  “No, we’re not a thing. He’s afraid. But he has his reasons. I wasn’t mad at him about it at all.” I thought about how I was mad now though. “But he’s been hiding from me, and that has made me mad.” I frowned, both at the memory of Ashton storming aw
ay from me, and at how easily I was spilling my guts to this stranger.

  “Hiding?” he asked, with confusion riddling his face. “From you? Why?” His eyes narrowed as he looked at me. “Are you crazy or something? Because that would be the only thing that would make any sense. You’re a knockout. You’ve got to know that. You do have a mirror, right?”

  I rolled my eyes at him. “I know I’m attractive, if that’s what you’re getting at.” I found it odd that guys always thought that women just needed to know they were pretty and that would solve all their problems. I happened to believe that a woman should have a personality that was on the attractive side too. Having a nice personality was even more attractive than natural beauty, in my opinion.

  The drinks came, and we downed them in record time. Ty had held up two fingers at the waitress when she dropped those off, so we had a couple more coming that we could sip on.

  He put his empty glass on the table before I did. “Seems we were parched.”

  Putting my empty glass down, I agreed. “Seems so.”

  “So, this moron, what’s his deal?” he asked me as he sat back and once again draped his arm over the back of my chair.

  “He’s not a moron,” I corrected him. “He’s just had a really rough few years. That said, tragic past or not, that doesn’t excuse his behavior of late.”

  With a shrug, Ty said, as if it were the easiest thing in the world, “My advice is to forget about this guy. Two years is too long, if you ask me. He had his chance, and he messed it up. Time to move on.” He curled a chunk of my hair around his index finger. “And I’m right here. I think you’re gorgeous and nice, to boot. One hell of a combination, and a rare one at that. In New York, anyway.”

  When his dark eyes caught mine and his went soft and sultry, I had a feeling I knew what was coming. When his head began to move closer to mine, I knew I was right.

  And I knew I wasn’t going to let it happen. Not because he wasn’t nice. Not because he wasn’t cute.

  It was because he wasn’t Ashton.