Dirty Desires

by Michelle Love

  And as far as the grief was going, I wasn’t feeling it so sharply anymore. I had more joy in my heart than I could ever recall having.

  The guilt? Well, that was still there. I didn’t think it would ever go away. But I felt like if the doctor could get over her role in the death of her baby, then I would eventually come to terms with my part in Natalia’s early demise.

  “You’re lost in thought, Ashton,” Nina’s voice drew me back out.

  There was a piece of pizza in one hand and the glass of milk in the other. I had zoned out. “I was just thinking.”

  “About?” she asked, as she gently moved my hand with the milk onto the table. “You should probably put this down before you spill it.”

  I didn’t want to tell her what I was thinking about. “It’s nothing.”

  “It’s something.” She put down the pizza and took hold of my hand, drawing it to her heart as she looked into my eyes. “Tell me.”

  “Dr. Patel has told me that I should take things nice and slow with you.” I watched her as she nodded. “You agree?”

  “I want things to move forward. And I want them to move fast. But I know that it’s not the right thing for either of us. Only a couple of weeks ago, you were guarding your heart and your memory of Natalia. Now, just because we’ve shared ourselves, you and I both think we can just hurry up and move things forward. But we can’t. We can’t, because it’s not good for you.”

  I hated feeling like there was something wrong with me. “I’m not sick, Nina. I’ve got some issues, and I’m dealing with them. And I love you so damn much, and I know that’s helping me a lot.” I did believe that, even though Dr. Patel had only shaken her head when I’d told her that.

  The way Nina’s eyes went to an even softer state made my heart melt. She reached out to stroke my bearded cheek. “Aw, Ashton, that’s the sweetest thing I’ve ever heard.”

  I took her hand, holding it tight. “Nina, what if they’re all wrong? What if we don’t have to wait? Why do we have to wait for what other people consider to be the right amount of time? No one seems to be taking into account all the time that we’ve been friends, close friends.”

  Her lower lip pouted as she thought about what I’d said. “But the doctor is a professional. I’m sure she’s seen cases like yours before. She must know what’s best for you.”

  “What about me? Don’t I know what’s right for me?” I asked her in earnest.

  She rolled her lips together as if mustering up some courage to tell me something she knew I wouldn’t like. “Look, I know you’re a smart man.”

  “Why do I feel a ‘but’ coming?” I ran my thumb over her knuckles as my stomach tightened with nerves.

  “But,” she nodded at me, “you weren’t the one who sought professional help. You were thinking you could deal with things on your own. And that wasn’t working out very well.”

  And she was right.

  I had gone off the deep end, and I hadn’t swum back on my own. I’d had to be saved. Artimus had saved me by throwing me a life preserver in the form of Dr. Patel.

  “I’ll follow her advice,” I admitted in defeat.

  Nina got up and came around behind me, running her hand along my shoulders as she did. “Good. I’m with you all the way, babe. So, how about we get back to making crazy love for the rest of this weekend before we have to get back to the grind on Monday?”

  Getting up, I let her lead me to the bedroom. “I like the way you think.” I tried to get into the moment and tried to stop thinking about the future.

  For now, I had Nina. I had her all weekend long, and that was the only thing I needed to be thinking about right then.

  The future would be there when we got to it.

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  Nina

  A month passed with Ashton and me spending every weekend together. Three nights out of every week, we stayed together. And things were blossoming just fine.

  Sundays were the days he took the hardest. We even got into a little spat about how he would start in early on Sunday morning, asking me if I could just stay Monday night too. Just one more night, that was always his plea throughout the day.

  The sun woke me up as it streamed through his window. Sunday had come, and I was ready for the onset of reasons why one more night wouldn’t hurt.

  But when I turned over, I found he wasn’t even in bed. Sitting up, I looked to find the bathroom door wide open and not a sound of anyone in there either.

  Getting up, I picked up a towel off the floor and wrapped it around myself. I went to the living room and found he wasn’t in the apartment at all. It was seven in the morning.

  Where the hell could he be?

  I went back into the bedroom to get my cell to call him. That’s when I noticed that I had slept through a text he’d sent me an hour earlier.

  -Went to get some things. Be back soon-

  With no idea what he’d need to get a seven in the morning on a Sunday, I set about taking a shower and getting ready for the day. We’d started taking outings on Sundays, calling them our fun days.

  After getting dressed, I looked through my cell to see what was going on in the city that day. A play in the park sounded fun to me, and I found one that I thought Ashton might enjoy too.

  I was sitting in the living room when he came in. He had a bag in his hand and came to kiss me. “Hey, you. You’re looking beautiful this morning.”

  “Thanks. You look rather dashing yourself.” I got up to follow him into the kitchen. “And where did you get off to this morning?”

  He placed the sack on the countertop, then proceeded to pull out everything inside of it. “I’m making up a new Sunday tradition. I cook breakfast, and you clean up the mess I make.”

  “Oh, yes!” I said with mock enthusiasm as I clapped my hands.

  He stopped what he was doing to look at me with a questioning gaze. “I thought you said that you liked to clean when we were out at Artimus and Julia’s house?”

  “I did.” I felt a little stupid for acting like a bitch. “Okay, we can make this a thing. So, what are you making?”

  “I bought fresh blueberries. I’m going to try my hand at making homemade muffins. I like to bake, but I rarely do it because it makes a real mess and there are lots of bowls to wash.” He patted me on the back. “But with you doing the cleaning, I think it might be fun. And Sunday is our fun day.”

  Putting an apron on myself, I took another one out of the drawer I’d put them in when I first bought them, and tied one around his waist. They matched: mine was a Minnie Mouse one, and his was Mickey Mouse. I thought we looked adorable.

  “There’s a play in the park today at one. You want to catch it?” I asked him as I looked over his shoulder at the recipe. “You want me to get out the bowls for you? I bought a set last week and put them away.” I snapped my fingers. “And I got a set of measuring spoons too. I’ll get them for you.”

  I had bought a number of things for his place. I couldn’t help myself. It just seemed that every time I went shopping, I found this thing or that thing that would be perfect for him.

  “What kind of play is it?” he asked me, then walked to the fridge to get out some eggs and milk.

  “A love story.” I placed the bowls on the counter for him. “Would you like to use the mixer I bought the other day? Or would a whisk be better?”

  He smiled as he put the milk and eggs on the counter. “You sure have been buying a lot of stuff, Nina. The bathroom is nearly unrecognizable.”

  It hit me that he might not like me buying things for his home. “I’m sorry. I can take them back, I guess. I just thought they made the place homier is all.”

  With a laugh, he hugged me. “No, I like them all. I was just saying.” He let me go and went to get the rest of the ingredients. “And the play sounds nice. I think a day in the park would be great.”

  As the morning went on, I noticed that he hadn’t said one word about me staying Monday night too. Which was odd.
And I felt kind of sad that he hadn’t.

  Maybe he’s getting tired of me.

  The muffins turned out perfect, and he made a care package for me to take to coffee with Lila and Julia the next day. “The girls will like them,” he said as he boxed them up.

  “You’re quite the homemaker,” I joked with him.

  He pulled me into his arms and kissed me before saying, “So are you.”

  The play was nice, the weather good, and the day was going well. The only thing missing were his pleas for me to stay another night. And I was actually beginning to get upset by that.

  Does he not really want me around?

  It hadn’t been easy to turn him down all those times. I had done it because his therapist didn’t think the time was right for us to move in together.

  As hard as it was to keep following her advice when all I wanted to do was be with him as much as I possibly could, I’d done what she wanted. And now it seemed that Ashton was getting used to me telling him no, so he wasn’t going to ask anymore.

  And that made me upset.

  Never had I imagined that following her advice would lead to Ashton and I growing apart, but that’s what it felt like. That wasn’t the plan at all.

  The plan was for us to grow closer and eventually become even more than just boyfriend and girlfriend. But now I was beginning to wonder.

  After the play, we walked in the park, strolling around while holding hands and just enjoying the nice day. “Where would you like to eat dinner tonight?”

  I thought about it for a second before answering. “Let’s not eat out. Let’s make spaghetti.”

  “Good idea. I’m with ya on that. We can get some good wine too.” He began heading out of the park. “We can get some fresh spices for the meatballs.”

  Happy that we were going to cook together, I still couldn’t say I was entirely happy. There was still no mention of staying another night.

  We shopped then went back to his place and he took off to take a shower. “I got a little sweaty while we were out. I’m going to shower up real quick. Have a glass of wine, and we can start cooking when I get out.”

  Getting myself a glass of the red we’d bought, I took a seat on the sofa and put my feet up. The day had felt long to me. I couldn’t say why. The only thing that really came to mind was the fact that I’d been waiting for him to say something that never came.

  But even with all he hadn’t said, he and I got along great, and he was every bit as attentive as he’d always been. There wasn’t any need for me to be feeling upset.

  I began to think I was being bratty about the whole thing. He’d been told ‘no’ as many times as he could handle, was my guess. I needed to get the hell over it.

  But that proved harder to do than I’d thought. He came back out, smelling crisp and clean and looking fresh and handsome as ever. All I could think about was how nice it would be to come home with him after a long day of work. We could take a shower together, then get into bed.

  But he won’t ask me to stay anymore!

  I was cutting up an onion when the words popped out of my mouth, “If you want me to stay tomorrow, I can.”

  “Oh?” He looked at me with confusion riddling his face. “I thought you said that was a bad idea.”

  “Yes, I have said that.” I didn’t know how to say the right words. I didn’t want to come off as needy. “But you’ve asked me for weeks now. I feel like I was wrong, saying no so many times now.”

  “That’s nice of you.” He went on, forming a meatball. But he didn’t say another word about me staying another night.

  I waited awhile, chopping up some bell pepper too before I brought it up again. “So, do you want me to stay tomorrow night to0?”

  “I don’t want you to do anything you feel isn’t right, Nina.” He put the finished meatballs into the oven to bake.

  I didn’t know what to say to that. So I finished what I was doing, and when we were all done, we ate in silence.

  I felt awkward for even bringing the subject up. And now I was thoroughly confused about what he wanted.

  Does he want me to stay or not?

  At the end of the meal, he sat back and patted his stomach. “Another fine meal we’ve made, Nina. I think we make a great team. Don’t you?”

  “I do.” I did think we made a good team, but I was still a little miffed that he’d given such a vague answer earlier and that the subject now seemed to be closed. I got up and took the dishes to the sink to rinse them before putting them in the dishwasher.

  He came in behind me. “I’ve been wondering something. You may find this much too soon to ask, but what kind of wedding have you envisioned yourself having?”

  Turning around to face him, I felt a bit shocked. He hadn’t asked me to stay another night, even though I’d told him that I would, yet here he was asking me about what kind of wedding I wanted?

  “Nothing special,” I said, then got back to work.

  “I see.” He put the wine glasses next to the sink. Leaning over my shoulder, he said, “So, like a justice of the peace or something like that?”

  “I suppose so.” His close proximity went a long way toward soothing my annoyance. “I don’t want anything big. I don’t want to spend lots of money. I just want it to be small, quaint, and intimate.”

  “That’s cool.” He leaned back against the counter and crossed his arms. “I like that idea too.”

  “Good.” I finished putting the dishes in the dishwasher, then closed it and started it up. The whirring sound was loud, so he took my hand to lead me out of the noisy kitchen.

  He gently pushed me to take a seat on the sofa then handed me a little black box. I wasn’t sure what he was doing. “Are you ...?”

  Before I could finish, he said, “Don’t ask. Just open the box.”

  When I pulled the top off, I saw a key. “And this is?”

  “A key to the apartment. I want you to move in. I don’t want you to stay four nights a week—I want you to stay all of them.” He sat down beside me. “And before you say anything, I want you to know that Dr. Patel has given us her approval on this.”

  My mind went blank as I held the key in my hand. “We’re moving in together?”

  He nodded. “We are.”

  Throwing my arms around him, I began to cry. I was so happy.

  Things were beginning to move forward!

  Chapter Twenty-Six

  Ashton

  A busy workweek meant that moving Nina into our place was harder than anticipated. We had to wait for the weekend to get the majority of her things over. Luckily, she only had material possessions to move. She’d left all of her furniture there, selling it to the new tenant her roomie Sandy had found to take over her room.

  Placing the last item of clothing in the closet, Nina turned to look at me with a smile plastered on her beautiful face. “That’s it. I’m officially all moved in!”

  I held out my arms, and she ran to jump into them. The kiss we shared felt ten times stronger than any one of our kisses before. Taking this step to make our union a bit more official seemed to be a stimulant for passion.

  Light had yet to leave the sky, but our night was already beginning. Pushing the strap of her sundress off her shoulder, I moved my mouth to kiss a trail over her soft skin.

  One hand moved through my hair as she made a quiet, purring sound. I moved my hand to push the other strap off, and soon her dress was puddled around her feet on the floor.

  Picking her up, I carried her to the bed as I gazed into the golden depths of her gorgeous eyes. “I love you so much, Nina Kramer.”

  Her soft fingers moved over my cheek. “And I love you more than I knew was even possible, Ashton Lange.”

  The pink bra and panty set were all that separated her body from my prying and eager eyes. I stripped them away to look at her naked body as it lay on what was now ‘our’ bed.

  The way my heart swelled in my chest told me that we had made the right choice. One day, in the n
ot so distant future, this woman would take my name, and I knew that without a single doubt.

  Starting at the tips of her toes, I kissed every last inch of her body before I came back to her lips. The smile she wore invigorated me. I brushed her dark blonde hair back, then kissed her cheeks, her forehead, the tip of her nose, and lastly, her sweet lips.

  Breathing her in, I made myself let go of everything else but her. Nina had crept in, taking up every last part of me. She’d melded with my soul, bonded with my brain, and filled the empty spaces that had been left inside of me.

  If there were such things as soulmates, Nina was mine.

  She stared into my eyes once I’d released her lips. Moving her hands underneath my T-shirt, she lifted it over my head. Her hands went to work on the button and zipper of my shorts and she pushed them down. She hooked her fingers into the waistband of my boxer briefs, and then rid me of those too.

  Moving me onto my back, she took her turn kissing me all over. But she started at the top and went south from there. Her lips caressed my skin, making no playful nips as she ran them all over my body.

  My skin prickled with the electric sensation she left in her wake. I couldn’t take my eyes off her as she moved her mouth over me. She kissed all the way to my toes, then moved back up. Her eyes were on my erect cock, but I wanted something else. I wanted to be inside of her.

  Reaching out, I took her underneath her arms and picked her up as I sat up. Lifting her up, I let her back down on me, her tight pussy sliding down my cock. She put her feet out behind me and there we sat, like puzzle pieces, locked together.

  I didn’t need her to move just yet. I wanted to just sit there like that. We looked into each other’s eyes, as close as we could be with me inside her, falling into each other in a way I had never done with anyone else.

  We didn’t need to say a word as we connected. A tear fell down her cheek, and I leaned in to kiss it away. I didn’t need to ask why she was crying—I knew. Things were getting very real between us. We were both wide open and letting the other in. It was a beautiful thing.