Follies and Nonsense

by Martin Hunnicutt

  “I suppose so,” Mr. Collins agreed reluctantly. “The entail will specify the extent of the estate’s worth.”

  “And it will be many years yet before the entail is engaged, Mr. Collins,” Mr. Fallows added. “Mr. Bennet has been in good health for many years.”

  “Yes, I am certain,” Mr. Collins replied. “But when does Mr. Bennet return to Longbourn?”

  “We do not have a set date for Mr. Bennet’s return,” Mrs. Bennet replied.

  “The vagaries of war and ocean currents affect the departures of ships from the West Indies and their return to England,” Mr. Bingley stated. “The kingdom has many good men sailing back and forth to our colonies bringing goods into our ports. Trade pays for our fleet and armies that hold Napoleon at bay.”

  For the first time since his arrival, Mr. Collins sat silently for few minutes considering Mr. Bennet’s absence and allowed his eye to settle on each person. The younger daughters fidgeted in their chairs and the mother conversed pleasantly with her guests. The local parson and his wife were congenial but in his opinion the couple did not show the appropriate level of deference to the wife of their benefactor or for that matter to himself – their future benefactor.

  And then he turned his attention on the three older daughters and the two gentlemen sitting with them. The eldest daughter, Jane, was the loveliest young woman he had ever seen. The second daughter, Mrs. Hamilton, was pleasant looking but already married. Mary, the third daughter, was also a pleasant young woman with spectacles and busy hands. She worked with a piece of needlework while watching her sisters talking with the two gentlemen who were both well-dressed though their clothes appeared dusty from the road.

  “It seems that I have I heard of these names before, but where?” Mr. Collins wondered. His musings were interrupted by the departure of the two gentlemen; Mrs. Bennet and her two eldest daughters escorted the gentlemen to the front door and only returned after many minutes. The two youngest daughters barely curtsied as they left the parlour.

  In the interval, the local rector and his wife attempted to engage Mr. Collins in conversation but the visitor once again dismissed the couple as unimportant.

  “I do not believe that it is appropriate for a parson to attempt to formulate his own sermons and I am joined in this opinion by my patroness, Lady Catherine. From my pulpit, I uplift my congregation with the proven messages of Fordyce and others. Lady Catherine and I review the tomes each week to select the appropriate text for the coming Sunday.”

  “I thought the Bible was to be the inspiration for the messages…”

  “Mrs. Fallows, I am certain your husband can instruct you on the purpose behind the church’s provision of published sermons,” Mr. Collins explained sternly and cared little that Mr. Fallows frowned at him before taking his wife’s hand.

  The Bennets returned and Mrs. Hamilton engaged Mr. Collins in conversation, while Jane and Mary sat with Mrs. Fallows, and Mrs. Bennet asked Mr. Fallows about his sermon on the coming Sunday.

  When the butler entered the parlour and announced dinner; Mr. Collins offered to escort Mrs. Bennet into the dining room. As they walked into the hallway, Elizabeth noticed that her sisters were not the only objects of Mr. Collins's admiration. To her amazement and mortification, the parson examined the hall, the dining-room, and all its furniture, with his viewing it all as his own future property.

  The dinner was highly admired and just as the second course was served, he asked, “Mrs. Bennet, may I know which of my fair cousins has prepared this excellent meal?”

  Very quickly, Mrs. Bennet answered, “I assure you sir that Longbourn keeps a good cook. Indeed, my daughters have little to do in the kitchen with preparation of meals other than planning menus.”

  Flustered again, Mr. Collins directed his attentions to all the ladies, “I beg your pardons. Such words could give offense unless you grant me allowance for being only this evening introduced to you and being unaware of the structure of your household.”

  “My daughters and I are not at all offended,” Mrs. Bennet assured her guest as he continued to apologize for a quarter of an hour.

  During the dinner, Elizabeth and Mary attempted to speak about the recent hunting and social gatherings to introduce Mr. Collins to the general activities of the neighbourhood, but no one could direct Mr. Collin’s conversation. It quickly became apparent that the visitor could expound without end on his patroness, Lady Catherine de Burgh.

  The family surrendered conversation to the man’s monologue and as the parson’s eloquence waxed concerning Lady Catherine’s attention to his parsonage and person, the subject elevated him to more than usual solemnity of manner, and with a most important aspect he protested, “I have never in my life witnessed such behaviour in a person of rank – such affability and condescension – as I have experienced from Lady Catherine.”

  Thinking how her father would have enjoyed this pompous monologue, Elizabeth could not ignore their guest any longer. “And your compliments that you pay to the ladies; Mr. Collins; where do you find such words?”

  “They arise chiefly from what is passing at the time, and though I sometimes amuse myself with suggesting and arranging such little elegant compliments as may be adapted to ordinary occasions though I always wish to give them as unstudied an air as possible.”

  Jane, Elizabeth and Mary’s expectations were fully answered. Their father’s cousin was as absurd as they had feared.

  “I believe that Mr. Bennet would enjoy meeting Mr. Collins,” Mrs. Bennet whispered to Mr. Fallows where he sat beside her.

  “Oh, I am certain he would Mrs. Bennet – but I fear that after one or two days Mr. Bennet would find his cup overflowing with Mr. Collin’s stories of Lady Catherine,” Longbourn’s rector replied.

  Upon completion of the meal, the gentlemen did not separate from the ladies.

  “And where have you decided to stay, Mr. Collins?” asked Elizabeth.

  Pausing with a glass of port almost to his mouth, the pastor replied, “Mrs. Hamilton, I plan to remain here with my family.”

  “But Mr. Collins,” interject Mr. Fallows, “as a clergyman, surely you realize the impropriety of remaining within a household of young ladies and their mother without a male relative.”

  “But I…”

  Mrs. Fallows nodded, “It would be most improper for Mr. Collins to remain at Longbourn in the evenings.”

  “The inn at Meryton is quite good,” Mrs. Bennet informed the parson.

  “A public inn? I expected to spend my nights here with my family,” Collins complained.

  “Mr. Collins, as a clergy man in your position at Hunsford parish, how could you do otherwise? What would Lady Catherine say?” asked Mrs. Hamilton.

  “She would encourage me to marry one of my cousins,” Mr. Collins responded and he noticed the blatant disapproval on the faces of everyone in the room at his forwardness. “My patroness has encouraged me to make amends to the daughters of my cousin by marrying one of them – thus preventing their descent into poverty when Mr. Bennet dies.”

  “Really, Mr. Collins,” argued Mr. Fallows. “This is completely inappropriate for a clergyman to approach a family of young women…”

  “Sir, I remind you that I shall be the master of Longbourn and thus your patron upon my inheritance. It would not do…”

  “Mr. Collins!” Elizabeth exclaimed. “A patron cannot retract a living after it has been bestowed without sufficient cause and the approval of the bishop. Surely Lady Catherine has not left you with the impression that you serve at her pleasure with the living at Hunsford?”

  The parson’s face related his confusion – obviously he did believe that Lady Catherine could retract the living at any time.

  “It is growing late,” Mrs. Bennet offered. “I believe that we should make arrangements for Mr. Collins to reach the inn in Meryton.”

  “It is a long walk in the dark,” Mr. Fallows said.

  “My trunk is quite heavy too,” Mr. Collins worried
.

  “I shall ask Mr. Hill to have Thomas harness the horses and carry Mr. Collins to the inn,” Elizabeth offered.

  “Oh, does Longbourn have a carriage?” asked Mr. Collins.

  “Longbourn is a prosperous estate,” Jane explained. “We have horses that the tenants use in our fields.”

  “Do the tenant farms have horses?” asked Mr. Collins.

  “We can explain such things to you during your visit,” Mary spoke up. “Our steward can review the workings of Longbourn with you.”

  “There is a steward as well?” Mr. Collins asked; his expectations for his eventual inheritance had already been exceeded.

  Elizabeth left the room and sought Mr. Hill in the kitchen.

  “Mr. Hill, our guest needs to be transported to the inn in Meryton,” she explained. “Would you find Mr. Thomas in the stables and ask him to harness the greys to carry Mr. Collins into the village.”

  From her place at the head of the table, Mrs. Hill offered, “Forgive me, Mrs. Hamilton, but I cannot help overhearing the conversation at dinner and in the parlour. Mr. Collins has much to learn and perhaps it would be better if the guest is transported by Longbourn’s team pulling Longbourn’s carriage.”

  Elizabeth’s brow furrowed for a moment but then she slowly nodded in agreement. “Light a lantern to hang on the carriage for some light until they get into the village. There’s not much of a moon tonight.”

  Mr. Hill bowed as he replied, “Very good Mrs. Hamilton.”

  ++**++

  William Collins was not sensible or imaginative, and the deficiencies in his nature had been compounded by poor education and poorer society; his childhood having been spent under the guidance of an illiterate and miserly father. He belonged to one of the universities but he had merely attended the necessary classes without forming any useful acquaintance or lasting friendships. The state of subservience forced upon him by his father were wiped away by the good fortune of early and unexpected prosperity. A fortunate chance had recommended him to Lady Catherine de Bourgh when the living of Hunsford was vacant. Her Ladyship’s grant of the living, affected Mr. Collins by spurring on a good opinion of himself while greatly exaggerating his understanding of his authority as a clergyman and his rights as the new rector. All this combined to result in an ill-informed man guided by a mixture of pride and self-importance.

  As he waited for the conveyance that would return him to Meryton, he sat with Mrs. Bennet while Mary and Jane were involved with the Fallows and the two youngest daughters left for bed. In the private tete-a-tete with Mrs. Bennet, Collins expounded upon his situation thusly, “My dear Mrs. Bennet, I must report that upon settlement of the living at Hunsford, I now have a good house and a very sufficient income that affords me a cook and other servants that require a lady’s guidance. And it being the expressed wish of my esteemed patroness, I intend to marry. In searching for a suitable partner of my future life and by seeking reconciliation with the Bennet family, I came to meet and choose a daughter of this house as my wife.”

  Unable to reply before the clergyman continued, Mrs. Bennet could only listen as he said, “My intent was to survey the ladies without revealing my goal but the strange circumstances of Mr. Bennet’s absence have unsettled my countenance so that I have revealed all this first evening.”

  “It is my wish to make atonement for inheriting their father's estate and I am certain that to unite with one of my cousins ensure the well-being of my other cousins.”

  Assuming Mrs. Bennet’s silence was agreement with his plan, Collins concluded by saying, “I am certain you will agree that this is excessively generous on my part and with your endorsement be suitable.”

  Realizing that she must make some response, Mrs. Bennet agreed, “It is indeed generous on your part to consider such a match.”

  “And I am pleased to report that my plan does not vary now that I have met my dear cousins,” he continued. “I believe Miss Bennet's face to be the loveliest I have ever beheld and I must pay her all attention that is due to seniority.”

  Mrs. Bennet’s understanding was not broad nor founded in an education of reading or discussion, but she did desire that her daughters be settled comfortably with amiable husbands – there was no other acceptable vocation for gentle-born women in her opinion – society’s only other respectable roles for her daughters were as governesses or paid companions to widows.

  “Mr. Collins, I believe each of my daughters to be a beauty,” she began but before she could continue, Mr. Collins apologized for any intimation that the other daughters were less than amiable or less beautiful than the eldest. A full five minutes passed before Mrs. Bennet could return to the subject of her daughters and their futures.

  “Do not make yourself uneasy Mr. Collins. I do not take offense with your singling Jane out as a beautiful young woman,” she assured her husband’s strange cousin. “But I must advise you that none of my daughters will be forced into any arrangement. It has been several years since I favoured hurried courtships or marriages.”

  “Naturally, madam,” he agreed. “It is necessary in all such matters that will remain for the balance of our lives, to approach such dealings with great consideration and long deliberation.”

  “We should like to know you better, sir,” Mrs. Bennet answered. “And once Mr. Bennet returns, he will want to know you better as well.”

  Mr. Collins nodded in agreement though in his mind, he wondered how he could come to know his cousins better if he was not permitted to remain at Longbourn in the evenings and had to return to Hunsford in just a week’s time.

  ++**++

  As she returned to parlour, Elizabeth overheard the end of a discussion between Jane and their visitor. “You must rest tomorrow morning, Mr. Collins. After you have luncheon, ask for the directions to the law offices of Mr. Melvin Phillips. Our uncle is an attorney in Meryton and our aunt has invited us to visit in the afternoon in her home above his offices.”

  “I shall look forward to it, Miss Bennet,” Mr. Collins replied.

  Mr. and Mrs. Fallows exited the house with pleasant goodbyes to the Bennet family and very short farewells with Mr. Collins. As they waited for the coachman to come around to the front of Longbourn with the team and carriage, Mr. Collins turned to Mrs. Bennet and asked, “How long has Mr. Fallows been your rector?”

  “My father gave Mr. Fallows the living about fifteen years ago,” Mary replied from her mother’s side. “He has served the parish faithfully for all those years.”

  “And does he write his own sermons?”

  “Mr. Collins, perhaps you should schedule an interview with Mr. Fallows during a future visit and not concern your time with the parish on this short trip,” Elizabeth suggested.

  “With Mr. Bennet’s absence, I may need to extend my visit,” Mr. Collins said. “How you ladies have managed all this time without the guidance of a man is of great concern.”

  “Our uncle in London has management of our accounts, Mr. Collins. And our uncle’s legal partner in Meryton has helped us with other matters. Your concern is appreciated but not warranted,” Jane insisted.

  “I shall consult with Lady Catherine and ask her opinion when I return to Hunsford,” Mr. Collins muttered.

  Mr. Hill entered the parlour and announced that the carriage was waiting. Rising and bowing to the ladies, Mr. Collins smiled and said, “I shall take my leave of you this evening, Mrs. Bennet. I wish you a pleasant night and I look forward to seeing your daughters tomorrow at the Phillips’ home.”

  Once the visitor had left the parlour, Jane, Mary, Elizabeth and Mrs. Bennet sat silently for a few minutes waiting until they heard the sounds of the horse’s hooves and wagon wheels on the gravel drive indicating that Mr. Collins had in fact left the residence before they made their way upstairs and to bed.

  Thus ended the day Mr. Collins arrived and introduced himself.

  ++**++

  Chapter 21.

  The Appearance of Mr. Wickham

 
The following, the four eldest sisters dressed and walked into Meryton; they included Lydia after her solemn promise to behave and left Mrs. Bennet to enjoy an afternoon with her grandson. The weather remained sunny and Elizabeth, Jane and Mary had difficulty keeping up with the pace set by Kitty and Lydia.

  “The day will be over before we reach Meryton if you three continue to walk as slow as the pastor leading a funeral procession!” Lydia complained. “I have seen all three of you walk much faster before this day!”

  “Lydia, you will fall asleep at Aunt Phillips this afternoon if you run the full distance to Meryton,” Mary counselled her sister. “Save some of your breath to speak to the officers you so badly want to meet.”

  “La! Mary, you know nothing of what breath I have!”

  “Nonetheless, you should set a more leisurely pace this morning Lydia,” Jane encouraged. “Would you care to greet the officers with a damp brow or your hair out of place?”

  “I had not thought of that,” Lydia said. She turned to Kitty and asked, “Is my hair much affected?”

  “Yes,” Kitty replied. “I believe we must listen to our sisters – again.”

  Upon reaching Meryton, the sisters strolled along the single street and met Mr. Collins before the milliner’s shop.

  “Cousin Jane! Cousins! Good day to you,” Mr. Collins said in greeting.

  “Mr. Collins,” Jane replied as she and her sisters curtsied. “Might I ask sir, that you remember to address my sisters and myself properly – especially on a public street.”

  “Why, Cousin...” Mr. Collins stuttered, then shut his mouth and bowed his head. “Certainly, Miss Bennet, we must observe all proprieties in public.”

  Mary stepped away from her sisters to greet Lady Lucas and Charlotte who were shopping in the village. “Good morning, Lady Lucas.”

  “Mary! How good to see you this morning,” Lady Lucas responded. “Charlotte and I were just returning home after purchasing some new material for shirts for my sons.”