Don't Turn Around

by Amanda Brooke

  Like my anger before it, a wave of self-pity washes over me and I’m powerless to hold it back. Tears burn my frozen cheeks. ‘I hate myself sometimes,’ I mumble. ‘I can’t get anything right. I messed up with Meg, then Ellie, and now you.’

  ‘You haven’t messed up with me,’ Charlie whispers, tightening his arms around me. ‘And whatever’s going on with Ellie will sort itself out.’

  As I wipe my nose, I note that he doesn’t correct me about Meg. There’s no second chance to save her and that thought brings a fresh wave of sobs. ‘I don’t know what to do,’ I cry.

  ‘Why don’t you start by having a hot shower to warm yourself up? And in the meantime, I’ll heat up the food. We have halloumi fries, katsu curry and gyoza dumplings for supper, plus Daim Bar cheesecake for afters,’ Charlie says a little too brightly as he wriggles free and leaves me to wipe away my tears with the damp towel.

  Deprived of his body heat, I’m shivering again as I watch Charlie scoop up the scarf he had left on the floor. As it unfurls, my mind plays tricks and the heavy wool becomes flowing silk. Ellie could barely speak tonight and I think of all those times Meg complained of a sore throat. I missed the signs then but I see them now.

  ‘I have to find Ellie. One of these days he’s going to go too far.’

  Charlie sees the fear in my eyes as I stare at the scarf so he throws it out of sight onto the desk. He’s rubbing his palms on his jeans as he comes back to me. ‘What do you mean, you’ll find her?’ he asks.

  ‘I should have done it earlier but I’d wanted Ellie to come to me. That’s not going to happen now. She said she won’t phone the helpline again and I believe her.’ I can see from Charlie’s furrowed expression that he wants to talk me out of the decision I’m reaching but my mind is made up. ‘I’m going to take up Ruth’s search.’

  27

  Jen

  My head throbs and my eyelids have acquired a sandpaper backing that scratches my eyes each time I blink. I couldn’t sleep last night because I was too busy rehearsing multiple conversations in my head. I want to tell Lewis that I won’t run away this time; I want to convince Ellie that I can help her escape; and I need to apologise to Charlie over and over until he forgives me. There’s also the news I have to break to Ruth about Ellie, but first I have to confront Geoff – and that’s the conversation I haven’t been able to get quite right. My stomach is in knots as I knock on his office door.

  ‘I wasn’t sure if you’d be in today,’ I tell him, keeping hold of the door handle.

  Geoff rearranges the scattered papers on his desk rather than look up at me. ‘I’d be a spare part at the hospital.’

  ‘Has there been any news on Gemma?’

  ‘The surgeon’s reviewing her condition this morning. Ruth said she’ll text you as soon as they know something. Sorry, I should have told you,’ he says as if he’s just remembered the message and hadn’t been avoiding me since his arrival half an hour ago.

  I step quietly into his office and when the door closes, Geoff lifts his head. He was hoping I’d left. ‘Can I have a word?’ I ask.

  Twirling a pen in his fingers, Geoff nods towards the chair at the side of his desk. I sit down and fold my hands in my lap. I cast my gaze out the window as if captivated by the view, and it is impressive. Although I have my back to the rising sun, I know the eastern sky is on fire because I see its reflection. The Three Graces have a pink blush that matches Geoff’s cheeks.

  ‘I’m sorry about shouting at you yesterday,’ he says. ‘It was quite a day.’

  ‘And I’m sorry for upsetting you. It can’t have been easy for you to hear something like that.’ I spare us both by not repeating what that something was, but I can’t avoid the subject completely. ‘Actually, it’s because of Ellie that I’m here.’

  ‘Oh.’

  I notice beads of sweat appearing on Geoff’s brow. It would be so much easier talking to Ruth but I can’t have this conversation with her – I can barely bring myself to discuss it with Geoff.

  ‘How is she?’ he continues brightly, in an attempt to fool us both that this is a normal conversation. ‘Ruth said she phoned again last night.’

  ‘Things didn’t exactly go to plan,’ I tell him as I pull at the edges of the plaster on my injured finger.

  ‘But you did speak to her?’

  ‘Only long enough for her to tell me that Lewis found out she’s been talking to me, and that she won’t be calling again. I need to work out how he knew, Geoff.’

  I leave a pause, hoping for an admission, but Geoff’s first concern is for Ellie’s welfare. ‘Did she say how Lewis reacted? Does she think she’s in danger?’

  ‘She was too angry to talk,’ I reply. I don’t mention her rasping voice. ‘She trusted me, Geoff. She expected me to keep our calls confidential, but I didn’t. One of my first thoughts was that Charlie had said something to one of his old school friends and they’d passed it on, but he’s adamant he didn’t, and I believe him.’

  Again there’s a pause that Geoff could fill. I taste bile at the back of my throat. I’m scared that I’ve got it wrong again but I can’t back out of this now. ‘Whatever happened, I’m sure it was done with the best intentions,’ I begin, ‘but if Lewis has a way of finding out what we’re doing, I need to know how. I was wondering if perhaps you’d spoken to him. You were upset yesterday, and I wouldn’t blame you for wanting to hunt him down …’

  Geoff’s grip on his pen becomes a stranglehold. ‘I couldn’t possibly tell you what I’ve wanted to do to Lewis for a very long time,’ he says at last. He swivels his chair so he can share in the beauty of the sunrise but the skyline has dulled to grey and only his complexion remains ablaze. ‘He took my daughter from me and I let him. My precious girl would still be here today if I’d fought harder.’

  ‘So you did do something yesterday.’

  Geoff’s laugh is as bitter as the taste in my mouth. ‘I had to, Jen.’ His shoulders slump as he turns to face me again. ‘I’ve made things worse, haven’t I?’

  I want to tell him that he’s not the only one but I leave Geoff to do the talking.

  ‘We both know there’s no point talking reason with Lewis but I wouldn’t be human if I hadn’t reacted.’

  ‘How did you know where to find him?’

  Geoff resumes twirling the pen between his fingers. ‘When Sean told me he was back here living with his mother, I got in touch with someone I know at the council. I didn’t think through what I might do once I had his address, but there you have it. I went to his flat and I had it out with him,’ he says, straightening up.

  ‘What did you say to him?’

  ‘It doesn’t matter now,’ Geoff replies, and whatever he’s recalling makes him squirm. ‘Believe me when I say I feel sorry for this girl, Jennifer, but there are other people I have to put first. I see the damage all of this is doing to Ruth.’

  ‘I know,’ I’m forced to admit.

  His features soften. ‘And it’s taken its toll on you too.’

  I feel self-conscious as he scrutinises my face. I know my eyes are puffy but there could be worse battle scars. ‘Imagine what it’s doing to Ellie.’

  Geoff winces. ‘I know. But look at what happened to Gemma. You can’t make Ellie’s choices for her because if you do, you’ll find yourself taking responsibility for the consequences, and it won’t end well. With any luck, this girl will come to her senses and move away.’

  ‘She doesn’t have the means to do that. He’s made sure she’s dependent on him. He’s trapped her.’

  Geoff holds up his hands to silence me. ‘Then she can find another helpline and another charity to come to her aid, because we can’t. She’s said she doesn’t want your help and you have to accept that. Please don’t repeat my mistake and do something stupid. I know it’s hard to step away but that’s what we have to do – all of us.’

  I can’t look at him. ‘Fine.’

  ‘Promise me, Jennifer.’

  I lift my chin and my ey
es follow. ‘If she phones the helpline again, I’m not going to turn her away.’

  Geoff’s eyes soften. ‘I wouldn’t expect you to.’

  ‘Well, I know you’re busy so I’ll leave you to it,’ I tell him. He doesn’t object when I stand.

  As I leave Geoff’s office, I take a cleansing breath and allow myself to relax. I’d been dreading talking to him but it’s done now. I don’t want to defy Geoff but I won’t be stepping away. I will find Ellie.

  28

  Ruth

  My return to work on the Friday after Gemma’s assault is excruciating for many reasons. The covert stares from the staff. The pods in the corner of the office that remind me of my failures. The conversation I’m putting off with Jen.

  ‘Are you going to tell her?’ asks Geoff as Jen walks quickly past our office without looking up.

  ‘When I get a moment,’ I reply. It takes a lot of effort to keep my tone light.

  ‘She’s better off hearing it today. At least she’ll have the weekend to mull things over.’

  I scrape my nails against my lips. I don’t know how I’ve managed to stop myself from ripping off the false nails to get to the raw flesh but I take it as a good sign. I’ve made my decision and all I need to do now is put it into action. I’d promised Jen we’d have a chat first thing this morning but I haven’t seen her sit down at her desk for more than five minutes. I suspect she knows what’s coming.

  ‘Oscar’s going to be here within the hour,’ Geoff persists. ‘We need to speak to him together, my love, and I’d rather you had everything clear in your mind before we do so.’

  ‘Fine,’ I hiss, pushing back my chair and standing so fast that Geoff flinches.

  My husband stands too, cutting me off before I reach the door. ‘I know this is hard but you’re doing the right thing.’ He places his hand gently on the small of my back in what he thinks is a show of support. It feels more like a shove and I bristle.

  This must be how Meg felt because she often reacted to my gentle encouragements in the same way. I’d take time out of my day for us to be together, hoping she’d open up to me, but she misinterpreted my every move.

  ‘I know you’re only doing this because you’re convinced I’ll sag off school,’ she’d said to me when I’d given her a lift one morning.

  ‘And there I was thinking I was doing something nice for you. Why are you so angry with me all the time, Meg? What have I done?’

  She laughed at the stupidity of my question, as if my crimes were obvious, but I honestly didn’t know. Was it unreasonable to push her to keep up with her studies? She was the one desperate to go to university, and in spite of all our difficulties, I wanted her to achieve that dream. OK, perhaps I was partly motivated by the prospect of her moving away while Lewis stayed in Liverpool but still, I didn’t understand what I was doing wrong.

  As I drove up to the school, I watched a swell of students pouring down the road and through the gates. Their uniforms looked tired and tattered after a year of academia but not so the children whose exuberance would continue to grow as the summer holidays approached. Only the sixth formers remained aloof and uninterested. Excused from wearing uniforms, they set themselves apart and I wondered if they confused their parents as much as Meg confused me.

  I parked the car but, not ready to lose my daughter to the masses, I grabbed her arm. ‘Talk to me, sweetheart. I know you’re having night terrors. What scares you so much?’

  She shrugged. ‘My final exams are coming up. Everyone’s freaking out.’

  I chose not to remind her that she wouldn’t be panicking so much if Lewis had left her alone long enough to revise properly. ‘It’s more than that,’ I said.

  Meg responded by pressing her chin to her chest, hiding her mouth behind the folds of her cowl-necked jumper. She made a move for the door handle but I pulled her back, my grip on her arm fierce.

  ‘I want to help. Please, tell me what to do!’

  Panic made the air thick around us and her voice was husky when she yelled, ‘Let me go!’

  ‘Please, Meg. We can’t go on like this. I know you’re not happy, and I’m willing to do whatever it takes to make things right. So is your dad,’ I told her quickly before she could wrestle free. ‘You might think you love Lewis but look what he’s doing to you. It’s no relationship, Meg.’

  ‘Like you’d know,’ she said, spitting the words back at me. ‘You never made Dad happy and look what happened there! Oh, on second thoughts, let’s not look. Let’s pull my relationship apart.’

  ‘Please, Megan,’ I said but she had flung open the door and I was talking to the back of her head.

  Ugly curses filled the air in her stead – some from Meg, but one or two came from the poor boy she almost knocked to the ground as she pushed through the throng. I jumped out of the car and tried to call her back but my heart wasn’t in it. She wasn’t going to listen. Meg did things her way.

  Now it’s me setting my own course and, like Meg, I’m about to knock someone down in the process. I shrug off my husband as my daughter had done to me. ‘Don’t, Geoff.’

  He looks at me, hurt. ‘I’m only trying to help.’

  ‘Then let me go.’

  Geoff goes to say something else but thinks better of it, and I leave the office without any more words of encouragement. Jen is coming from the photocopier with a stack of papers in her arms. I catch a glimpse of the Lean On Me strapline.

  ‘Busy?’ I ask.

  ‘I thought I’d replenish our stocks. We need more information packs ready for Christmas.’

  ‘They can wait,’ I say. ‘Do you fancy that chat now?’

  I keep my expression neutral but Jen tenses nevertheless. She follows me into the conference room and we choose seats on opposite sides of the table. I should have suggested we make a drink first, my lips are parched, but I can’t keep putting this off.

  ‘Do you want me to arrange some flowers for Gemma?’ she asks.

  ‘Not while she’s in critical care. Maybe later on.’

  The word ‘maybe’ sticks in my throat. The latest operation was successful but Gemma’s injuries are extensive and she remains in a drug-induced coma. I’m praying she’ll survive but it’s too much to hope that she’ll make a full recovery. I would love to talk more to Jen about my guilt and my regrets but this conversation isn’t about what I’ve done, it’s about what I need to do going forward. There have been too many mistakes and it’s time to cut my losses.

  ‘Geoff told me about going to see Lewis and what happened with Ellie,’ I begin.

  ‘I thought he might,’ Jen says. ‘Do you know exactly what he said to Lewis? He didn’t want to talk much about it yesterday.’

  ‘I’m pretty sure Geoff wouldn’t have mentioned it at all if you hadn’t asked,’ I say. ‘And no, he didn’t go into the details but he’s mortified about Ellie.’ I stop and shake my head. ‘What’s happening, Jen? Why is it all going wrong?’

  She leans forward. ‘We will make it right again, Ruth. I know what Geoff thinks and I’m sure he’s been bending your ear about retiring again but we can’t give up now. Especially now.’

  ‘Geoff hasn’t pushed me into this decision,’ I tell her, my tone growing firm. ‘It’s not been an easy one to take but I hope you’ll respect my wishes.’

  ‘So it is a decision? You’re going to retire?’ Jen says slowly.

  ‘When I said Lewis couldn’t cause me any more pain, I was wrong. I’m tired of fighting to keep other people’s children safe. I was never as good at my job as I claimed to be, you only have to ask Annabelle.’

  ‘She said that?’

  ‘No, she’s too busy blaming herself right now, but I’m angry at me on her behalf. It’s time to admit defeat before the killer blow. Geoff and I are looking for an investor to buy out McCoy and Pace, and in the meantime, we’re going to wind down the foundation and close the helpline.’

  ‘When?’

  ‘Soon. Our success with the Whitespace project ha
s put us in a strong position to sell the company, and it would be better if we didn’t have loose ends like the helpline getting in the way of closing a deal. I’m not suggesting we do it overnight but it will be a matter of weeks. I don’t see the point in drawing this out.’

  I have to stop. There’s only so long I can ignore the tears welling in Jen’s eyes. I have tissues in my pocket at the ready and I hand one to Jen, keeping the other for myself.

  ‘I know it looks like I’m abandoning you,’ I continue, ‘but Geoff and I are going to make sure your position in the company is secured. With less of your time taken up with the foundation, we could establish a new role for you and I’ll make sure that, whoever the buyer is, they recognise your potential. Or if that’s not what you want, I can phone around our contacts and help you find the perfect job that will lead to you being a counsellor one day. I haven’t forgotten about my promise to pay for your studies.’

  Jen shreds the tissue clutched in her hands. ‘I’m not bothered about what happens to me,’ she says angrily. ‘It’s Ellie I care about: we can’t turn our backs on her.’

  ‘I’m not turning my back on her. We’ll send out a press release to local news announcing the closure of the helpline. It’ll give people fair warning and it might prompt Ellie to call back. There’s still time.’

  Jen looks over my shoulder and through to the office. ‘Are you sure about that?’

  I follow her gaze and watch Geoff greeting Oscar Armitage with an enthusiastic handshake.

  ‘Isn’t that one of our competitors?’ Jen asks. ‘Or is it my new boss?’

  ‘We’re only sounding him out.’ As I turn back to Jen, I can see she’s disappointed in me. I don’t blame her. I’m disappointed in myself. ‘I know it must seem like we’re moving fast but what else can I do? I’ve been ignoring two beautiful granddaughters because I’d rather immerse myself in other people’s pain than confront my own. I’ve been too scared of losing them to love them as I should.’