Don't Turn Around
Page 33
There was a time when I longed to dream of Meg but, for years, I was unable to resurrect the daughter who had become a stranger to me. I didn’t know her. I didn’t understand her. I do now, and although my nightmares are the kind to rip my beating heart from my chest, they bring me comfort. Meg is there and I reach out to her.
Hello, my darling Meg,
It feels like we’re getting to know each other all over again, or at least I’m getting to know you. I’ve been searching for answers for over ten years and I always imagined that, when I had them, I would feel a sense of closure, but the truth has torn the very fabric of my soul. To say I didn’t know isn’t good enough. I should have seen more. I should have listened more. I should have been more.
I was so angry at you for throwing away the life I gave to you, but that’s part of the problem, isn’t it? You were not my possession, and you were certainly not your father’s. I don’t want to make this letter about him so I will say only this. He died still believing that his love could do no harm. Let us be clear. What he offered you was not love. It was not harmless. It was not your fault.
For a long time, I couldn’t understand why you gave no thought to how much you would hurt me and how I would carry that pain through the rest of my life. I have come to realise that any hurt on my part wouldn’t have entered your head, because you thought you were protecting us.
It wasn’t your job to protect our family, sweetheart. It was mine. You were not the problem. If anything, I was. I wanted to keep you locked up safe at home, not realising that was where the danger lurked. I spent all that time standing on the wrong side of a closed bedroom door. We should have had this talk then, not now.
I know your father blamed my failings as a wife for his actions and I think that’s why you were angry with me too. I don’t blame you for believing his twisted logic. He fooled us both. I let him convince me that I had no influence over you, that he was the one to keep your confidence, that I was the lesser parent.
I’ve spent the last decade telling myself that the past can’t be changed but I was wrong. The past is being rewritten and I see you now, Meg. I hear you and I hope you hear me. We are not the false images conjured by a sick mind. We are imperfect souls and I’d like to believe we’ve found each other again.
I love you, sweetheart, with every piece of my broken and splintered heart, and if I can ask one thing, it would be for you to walk with me a while. Be by my side so I can help your little nieces grow up to be in awe of their Auntie Meg; the young woman whose voice grows stronger every day.
Your loving Mum, forever and always xxx
Acknowledgements
My ninth book, Don’t Turn Around, has been one of the hardest to write. It covers a number of difficult themes ranging from abuse and suicide, to bereavement, and not all my research has been comfortable or pleasant to undertake. If I can take anything away from what I’ve learnt, it’s that there is an army of volunteers and professionals out there who are eager to help those in crisis. The online resources on websites such as Women’s Aid, Refuge, and the Samaritans have been invaluable and it’s comforting to see so many helplines doing amazing work both locally and nationally.
Not everything I’ve brought to this novel has been through research, and although I haven’t experienced a loss through suicide, I do know the pain of losing a child. I’m also aware of how each parent’s journey through their grief is different, having spent some years working on the Child Death Helpline, which is a national helpline for anyone affected by the death of a child of any age. It’s operated in partnership with Alder Hey and Great Ormond Street Children’s Hospitals, and is staffed by volunteers who are all bereaved parents. Although there’s little in common with my fictional helpline, I can recall those long evenings not knowing who might phone that night, and when it was time to go home, hoping that the people I did speak to had felt heard.
I’d like to thank Shelagh Hatton and all the staff and volunteers at the Alder Centre for all their support on both a personal and professional level. The Alder Centre is the only bereavement centre of its kind attached to a paediatric hospital (Alder Hey Children’s Hospital) and it’s a remarkable place. I cannot praise highly enough the team that quietly gets on with what they do best, offering world-leading bereavement counselling, support and training, and it’s a privilege to work with you all.
My heartfelt thanks as always goes to my editor, Martha Ashby, who pushes me to my limits with each book, and then some, but I love her for it. Thanks also to the rest of the wonderful team at HarperCollins, including Kim Young, Jaime Frost and Emma Pickard, who turn the solitary life of an author into an incredibly rewarding partnership.
I would like to thank my agent, Luigi Bonomi, for being my champion and believing in me from the very beginning. If it wasn’t for you, I’d still be in ‘waste’, but instead I’m following my dreams with you pointing the way.
A huge, loving thank you to all my family and friends who are always ready to give me back my sanity once I’ve pulled myself out of my fictional worlds, and especially to my amazing daughter Jess. This is where I usually write how I couldn’t be more proud of you, but you keep proving me wrong by making me prouder.
A special thank you goes to Janet Roberts who has become a good friend and one-woman promoter of my books ever since our dearly missed friend Donna Hall introduced us.
And finally, a thank you to all my readers, new and old. I couldn’t do this without you.
Discover Amanda’s other novels!
Click here to buy The Bad Mother now 978-0-00-821916-1
Click here to buy Yesterday’s Sun now 978-0-00-744591-2
Click here to buy Another Way to Fall now 978-0-00-744593-6
Click here to buy Where I Found You now 978-0-00-751135-8
Click here to buy The Missing Husband now 978-0-00-751137-2
Click here to buy The Child’s Secret now 978-0-00-811650-7
Click here to buy The Goodbye Gift now 978-0-00-811653-8
Click here to buy The Affair now 978-0-00-811656-9
Look out for Amanda’s two short stories:
Click here to buy The Keeper of Secrets now 978-0-00-752218-7
Click here to buy If I Should Go now 978-0-00-752228-6
About the Author
Amanda Brooke is a single mum who lives in Liverpool with her daughter, Jessica, a cat called Spider, a dog called Mouse, and a laptop within easy reach. Her debut novel, Yesterday’s Sun, was a Richard and Judy Book Club pick in spring 2012. Don’t Turn Around is her ninth novel.
www.amanda-brooke.com
@AmandaBrookeAB
www.facebook.com/AmandaBrookeAuthor
Also by Amanda Brooke
Yesterday’s Sun
Another Way to Fall
Where I Found You
The Missing Husband
The Child’s Secret
The Goodbye Gift
The Affair
The Bad Mother
Don’t Turn Around
Ebook-only short stories
The Keeper of Secrets
If I Should Go
About the Publisher
Australia
HarperCollins Publishers (Australia) Pty. Ltd.
Level 13, 201 Elizabeth Street
Sydney, NSW 2000, Australia
http://www.harpercollins.com.au
Canada
HarperCollins Canada
Bay Adelaide Centre, East Tower
22 Adelaide Street West, 41st Floor
Toronto, Ontario, M5H 4E3
http://www.harpercollins.ca
India
HarperCollins India
A 75, Sector 57
Noida, Uttar Pradesh 201 301, India
http://www.harpercollins.co.in
New Zealand
HarperCollins Publishers (New Zealand) Limited
P.O. Box 1
Auckland, New Zealand
http://www.harpercollins.co.nz
United King
dom
HarperCollins Publishers Ltd.
1 London Bridge Street
London, SE1 9GF
http://www.harpercollins.co.uk
United States
HarperCollins Publishers Inc.
195 Broadway
New York, NY 10007
http://www.harpercollins.com