by Neil LaBute
CODY Huh … pretty generic. (Beat.) Plus, a theater writer and living out here? I don’t think so.
MAN Writers can live anywhere, Cody. That’s kind of the point …
Both CODY and the WOMAN watch the MAN, realizing that he doesn’t wish to go any further. In a way, though, he needs to. This is the right moment.
WOMAN … don’t feel like you have to …
CODY Don’t do that. All right? Don’t just always jump in to defend every damn person I have a conversation with. It is pretty fucking annoying … (Beat.) The guy can just tell me to shut up, if he wants …
WOMAN I know that. I know. I only wanted to make this nice, have some food out on the lawn. I’m sorry …
The marrieds stare each other down—to her credit, the WOMAN is holding her own.
MAN … no, Cody’s right. That’s a total crock—company-line shit. I had to sign a statement, actually, that I would tell that story, or something like it, as what happened, so I got used to it, I guess. Yep. (Beat.) But you guys, well … you’re friends of mine, right? I can tell you the truth. Sure. (to the WOMAN) Do you mind if I have one of the burgers?
The WOMAN nods, starts fixing him one. The MAN watches her as he talks; the WOMAN brings one each to the MAN and to CODY.
MAN … I was let go. “Fired,” I guess, is the term they used to use when our fathers were alive. Well, maybe not your father, Cody, because he was a self-made guy, but my old man was a mechanic, worked at that Union 76 over on McHenry all his life, and if he screwed up—like, totally ruined somebody’s car or mouthed off to the owner—then he would get fired. He wasn’t, no … but I was. Me. I was fired. For something I did.
WOMAN … I think I’m going to go inside.
MAN No, please don’t. Okay? I want you to hear this, Belinda. Need you to. Because I haven’t really told anyone, so it feels good. Not good, but you know … freeing, somehow.
WOMAN Are you sure you … ?
CODY Just let the man talk.
MAN Thanks. Yeah. Well, does everybody have what they want, for lunch, I mean? Because after this, we may not be … just checking. (Beat.) I was a good lawyer, fair, anyway. I was very fair with people, and decent. And that’s not an easy thing, in that job. Not at all, but I was. Anyhow, I’m on a business trip one time, with some of the people from my office, we were going to, ummm, Pittsburgh or someplace, I don’t remember, but we’re late for the plane—it was on United, I recall that, it was with United. And I got there a little late, maybe twenty minutes before the flight closed, but a friend, this dude I knew from law school, is up there getting his boarding pass, and he lets me slip in. Into line. Ahead of a few other colleagues … and one of them, this lady named Carol, an African-American woman who worked with us, says something out loud. Not a big deal, like, “Hey, no cuts,” or something, but you know, the kind of day it was, all rainy and a race through the terminal, I just wasn’t in the mood. Not at all. Yet I let it go. I do. I get my thingie and even use some miles to get bumped up—the last guy to be able to do it, they are totally sold out—and off we go, my buddy and me, down toward security and to the gate. I make eye contact with ol’ Carol on the way, toss her a smile, and we’re off. Actually, we stop by Mickey D’s and grab a McRib each. Those’re really good …
The MAN takes a breather; CODY and the WOMAN are still there, hanging on his words. CODY heard the “African-American” thing, and his antennae are up.
CODY … where’s this going?
WOMAN Honey, he’s trying to—
CODY I’m just asking.
MAN I’m sorry, I’m rambling. Lemme just get to the … we get on the plane. So, we’re sitting there in first, having our pre-takeoff ginger ale or whatever, and people are filing past, bashing into me—I’m on the aisle—with their two bags each, and we’re talking away, and bam!, I get tagged again by some computer case. Right on the elbow. And it hurts, it really does, so I’m about to say something … when I glance up, it’s Carol. Not even looking. Heading back into economy—thanks to me, in all probability—and it just makes my associate and me start laughing. I mean howling, really, the two of us, there in the cabin.
At some point, I’m not sure when, a bit later—I thought a lot later, but—I lean over to him, I lean in a bit and say, really whispering, “Well, at least they still sit in the back of the bus.” Just for fun, right? It’s this little joke, we’re on an Airbus, after all, and I swear to God, the place goes silent. Like a church for a moment, when the A/C is about to switch over or something … I say this thing and a bunch of folks are suddenly looking right down at me. Including Carol. See, some old lady back there is messing around with her suitcase, this old Samsonite, and the line hasn’t moved. Carol is, I mean, she is standing right there. Shit … I start to sputter, try to stand up, my belt is hooked, and it jerks me back into my seat, I spill the drink. A whole parade. I do finally get to my feet and try to explain, say, “What I meant to say was …” and she tears into me, well, it was pretty unbelievable. ’S like Angela Davis has suddenly appeared, and she’s all waving her hands and screaming at me—you know how black women can get—with the “motherfuckin’” this and that, like she’d never been to school a day in her life! And I … I lost it. I admit it, I just totally lost it there for a bit … and I grabbed her by both her shoulders, this Carol woman, not hard or anything, but grabbed her and shook her a second. I shook her and said, “Hey, Carol, stop it! Stop acting like some blue-gummed chimp, just fell outta the tree!” (Beat.) So … just imagine what the next five minutes were like, those last few moments when I’m standing and collecting my stuff … it was just so unreal. No, surreal. I will never forget that feeling … And I didn’t apologize, that’s the thing. Which is what really does me in, I guess. See, they wanted this formal letter of … anyway, I just wouldn’t do it. I wasn’t gonna back down. I was defiant. The firm “let me go” about three days later. Well, I guess suspended first, but then … yeah. My wife left a few weeks after that. Not because it bothered her, I don’t think, but because it was the right thing to do. Or gave her an excuse, anyway. This was almost a year ago. And that is who you are renting your apartment to. (Beat.) Anyway, Cody, how’s that burger?
CODY takes another bite before he says anything. Maybe two.
WOMAN Maybe we should … I don’t know. What should we do now? Cody?
CODY wipes his mouth with one hand, then finds his napkin. Uses it. Stands.
CODY Me? I’m gonna go check out the dish … maybe that Hitchcock movie you’re both so excited about.
MAN You did ask …
CODY Yeah, I know. Don’t mean you always gotta tell the truth.
WOMAN Cody, we still have all this …
CODY Then wrap it up. Save it for the kids, I don’t give a damn …
MAN Maybe I’ll head back over to—
CODY No, you guys have a nice chat. Go on. Like nothing happened. And it didn’t, right? Nothing happened. Other than we found out what a piece of shit we got living here with us …
The MAN starts to say something, then stops. The WOMAN moves to CODY, but he shakes her off. Holds up a finger.
CODY (toward the MAN) … you need to get gone. Outta this place. Right? End of the month.
CODY wanders off toward the house. Exits. The MAN and the WOMAN sit quietly for a moment. Maybe even longer—no hugs this time. Just silence. Then, out of nowhere, her hand touches the MAN’s hand. She holds it. Now, this is interesting.
WOMAN … well. I’m sure he’s—I mean, he usually doesn’t stay mad long …
MAN Doesn’t matter.
WOMAN No?
MAN Uh-uh. Glad I said it. Needed to.
WOMAN Then good. People should do what they need to do. Mostly.
MAN Yeah. (stands) I’m gonna go back upstairs, is that okay?
WOMAN Oh, please. Sure. Yes. I’ll just … I’m gonna clean some of this up.
MAN Do you want any … ?
WOMAN No, I’m fine. Absolutely.
&nbs
p; MAN ’Kay. Sorry.
WOMAN No, don’t be, it’s … it was only lunch, right?
MAN Right. I’ll see you, then.
WOMAN You, too.
MAN: Later.
He moves off, down toward us. She remains and clears the table.
MAN: … so, that was different, huh? Very. Hey, maybe that’ll make her like me more or something. She says she likes different. And I am that, if nothing else … (Beat.) Speaking of Belinda, and I should’ve done this earlier, but … hey. One thing you should know—or should’ve known—about us. We did kiss once. Yes. I don’t mean in the past, not at the drive-in or anything, but recently. Like, within the last few weeks. Not a big deal, I mean, it was very nice, don’t get me wrong … but it was just this small little thing. It was. Or will be. Out on the lawn here one time, when I’m cutting the side yard. I was—or will be—ahh, mowing, like I said, or I guess … maybe I was raking at that point. Yeah, raking, and … (Beat.) … we kiss. That’s pretty much it. Just this nice kiss that comes from her bringing me a glass of tap water, something to cool me off. Didn’t work! Not after … not after doing that. With her. I wasn’t or will not be—I am not cool after that! And it’s out of nowhere, that’s the thing that really knocks me out … we just kiss. We kiss like there’s a respirator between us and our lips are the only thing keeping the other person going. You know how that is, when you’re with someone and you get a bit close, sort of begin to cross the demilitarized zone and there’s no going back … that’s how it went. Amazing.
The MAN drifts for a moment, remembering it. Let’s give him some space—it sounds like it was kind of great. We probably should’ve shown it before, but too late now. Or is it?
MAN But hey … if you guys wanna see, we can probably show you. The kiss, at least. The thing itself. It’s a bit weird, to do it over again, I mean, you know, after all the other stuff that you’ve … but we can pull it off. No problem. Here.
He takes off his shirt, pitches it out of the way. Finds a weed-eater somewhere onstage—that’s the designer’s problem. The MAN starts working on the feeder (where the fishing line comes out of the thing), and suddenly, the WOMAN appears. Glass of water in her hand. Ice cubes. The MAN looks up.
She smiles at him, holding up the drink. He takes the tumbler and gulps down the cool liquid. She smiles and, without thinking, reaches over and wipes his brow. He smiles back. And then they’re kissing—kind of surprising, but believe me, it’s happening. This goes on for a few moments. When they stop, she leans over and steals a sip from the glass. Moves off.
The MAN watches her go. Wistful. Unsure. He shakes it off and looks back at us. Starts changing his clothing—he’s going to need some jogging stuff. Sweats. Shoes. Nothing too fancy.
MAN … see, I told you—it was pretty nice. I don’t know if you could tell that from where you guys’re sitting, but … it was really so damn nice. (Beat.) There’s a name for that area there, way up in the last rows … you know what it is? It’s slang, but it’s funny as hell! Check it out sometime, it’s in that Oxford dictionary. I’ll give you a clue. It’s under “N.”
The MAN stretches now, shaking out his limbs. Trying to loosen up a bit.
MAN … you know, while we’re gettin’ so fancy—like, back in time and all that—we should probably take a look at something that happened a while ago. I mean, not as long ago as the kiss, not that far back, but before now. Or before now later, when this part happens. Right? Anyway, it’s worth checking out, ’cause it definitely puts a wrinkle in things. Yeah, adds a little … Well, you’ll see.
CODY enters, wearing running gear again and sweating through it. Sits down and starts stretching out.
MAN Cody and I met up once … over at this nature preserve where they have these running trails. A mile or so from here. A few weeks after the whole lawn-party thing. We hooked up and went for a jog. This is how it goes …
The MAN wanders over near CODY and drops down, starts his own form of stretching. Gradually, CODY glances at him.
MAN … hello. Hey.
CODY What’s up?
MAN Not much.
CODY All right. Here …
CODY stands up and unzips a large pocket on the front of his windbreaker. Pulls out a business envelope and hands it over to the MAN. The MAN opens it, counting out a stack of bills.
CODY … ’s your deposit.
MAN Uh-huh. (stops) Kind of niggardly, isn’t it?
CODY Would you can it with that shit? It is not funny …
MAN I’m joking! It’s a joke … (Beat.) You know what the word means, don’t ya?
CODY Yeah, I do. I understand, but that don’t make it cool.
MAN Okay, sorry, (taps his leg) You’re not gonna take anything out for my changing the carpet?
CODY Ha-ha. Real cute …
MAN Just asking.
CODY shakes his head; the MAN smiles and jams the thick wad of money into his warm-up pants. He reaches into another pocket and produces a single baseball card inside a thick plastic case. Hands it to CODY, who marvels at it and pops it into his front pocket. Zips it closed.
CODY Thanks … (Beat.) I don’t like this. I don’t like meeting up out here … wanna be careful.
MAN Fine. That’s all right. I just needed some cash …
CODY Whatever.
MAN Had to rent a new place, buy a few knickknacks, that sort of thing … moving’s not easy.
CODY Good. Well, now you’ve got a little spending money.
MAN Thank you. Thanks, Cody.
CODY Yeah, yeah. Right.
MAN That means a lot to me …
CODY Just shut up, okay? Really … don’t. (Beat.) So, are we good?
MAN Yep.
CODY Fine. (Beat.) … How many times’ve you seen her now? I mean, since then. That day.
MAN A few. Six, maybe …
CODY Six? She’s called you six times?
MAN Something like that … and yes, I make sure she calls from the house. Leaving a paper trail …
CODY Fine. Okay. And you’ve met … ?
MAN … a couple.
CODY I don’t want to know any more than that.
MAN Great.
CODY shakes out his limbs, getting ready to run.
CODY … but you guys aren’t … I mean, you haven’t, umm … right? Not yet.
MAN That’s really … not your business. Isn’t that what we discussed? That was up to my discretion …
CODY No, yeah, true, I was just …
MAN … believe me, it’s better not to. I’m the one used to be the lawyer, remember?
CODY ’Course I do. It’s the only reason the two of us are even standing here. (Beat.) How much longer, you figure?
MAN What, until you can say something? Or catch us? Hell, I dunno … give it a month or so. Don’t ya think?
CODY Yeah. That’s … I s’pose.
MAN You seem anxious …
CODY Of course I am. Come on!
MAN Of course you are … (Beat.) Who is she, by the way?
CODY What?
MAN The girl I saw you with … out by the reservoir. Last week. She’s cute, but really young.
CODY No, that’s the … I’m training her. She’s on the track team at—
MAN Right. Look, I know you’ve told the wife that you’re in love with your work, I know that—she told me as much—but please, Cody, do me the favor. I’m a guy. I can smell chick on you a mile away …
CODY No, seriously, I’m not … no.
MAN Hey, whatever it takes to sleep at night. Knock yourself out.
CODY I don’t know what you’re saying …
MAN I’m saying, pretty outright, that a person does not do this, this Mayor of Casterbridge thing you’ve got going here, without some reason. A reason like the one I saw you out running with.
CODY No, shit, that is … it’s not anything. I just wanted to get this Jackie Robinson card back, so I …
MAN Cody, please. Be honest here. You did not ask
me to go in with you on this racket, our little shell game we’re running, just so you could put some piece ’a cardboard back into your collection … (Beat.) You asked me to take your wife—have her in trade—If I’d help you pull it off. For shit like that, I mean, that elaborate … there is always a reason.
CODY No, we just got to talking … I mean, at the airport … we got to talking about that card and then, I dunno, we …
MAN Cody, I was there, remember? Right there next to you. You asked me this flat out. Told me your story. The “disgruntled hubby, the trophy wife,” the whole damn business.
CODY Yeah, but I knew you liked her … back in school, I’m saying. I came to you because I was … because …
MAN No, I came up to you … saw you and made the connection, came over and, like, three beers later … you dish up this proposition. A whopper of a proposition …
CODY I’d just been thinking, that’s all! Thinkin’ about it. (Beat.) You did always like her. I know that …
MAN So, you were just being nice, then? Gonna let me have her as a gift?
CODY No, I …
MAN You gave me your wife. Asked me to take her. Now, you’re either Henny Youngman, or there’s something fishy going on! (Beat.) I’m only saying this to help remind you—do not forget the truth here. The truth is always of some importance.
