Fifth Essence: A Reverse Harem Tale (Lovin' the Coven Book 5)

by Jacquelyn Faye

  "Not one person was seriously injured that day. Those who didn't chalk the whole thing up to a mass hallucination, just remember the good you did. Not one person has said anything condemning, to my knowledge. Trust me. Marge would have been the first to hear."

  "So why is everybody so concerned about us?"

  "You."

  "Me?"

  "Dot, this is a small town. You have been seen with no less than three boyfriends…"

  "Oh. I'm the town slut, not the witch."

  "Pretty much."

  "I can live with that."

  "Yeah. I don't think they burn people at the stake for that. Pennsylvania, maybe, but not New York."

  I gave a little laugh. "Thanks, Herb."

  "So, do you want the house?"

  "How much?"

  He told me the figure and I smiled. It was less than I had paid for my house. I guess having shitty neighbors was a plus.

  "Tell them I'll take it."

  "I'll let you know when."

  "Thanks again, Herb."

  "Always a pleasure, Dot."

  I hung up the phone and stared at it, happy about the house, happy about the news that we weren't outed as witches yet, but I was kind of disturbed that the whole town thought I was a slut.

  It could be worse. They could think I was dating Josie.

  That made me feel a little better about myself.

  "Thanks, Yuke," I said and handed her the phone.

  "No problem. You going to get a new one soon? I don't have any friends other than you, anymore, but I don't think I could even live without one."

  "Is there even a cell phone store in Cedar Falls?"

  "Beats the hell out of me. Ask your boyfriend."

  "Which one?"

  "Does it matter?"

  "Probably not. Could you text Jason for me? See if he can pick one up and drop it off. Let him know it's kind of important." And it was. I hadn't even had a chance to respond to the person claiming to be my other parent. The answers were in my grasp and I'd be damned if my witch of a mother was going to bind my hands.

  "Sure thing, Boss."

  "I like that better than Master."

  "Sure thing, Boss." She chuckled as her fingers danced over the keys.

  Josie peeked at me from around the corner. "Welcome back."

  "Thanks. Been an interesting morning."

  "All good?"

  "No. I'll tell you after you get dressed."

  "Kay."

  What happened? Dar sat up on the couch, looking at me over the back. As soon as I had left, he had reverted back to doggy. At least there wasn't a hellhound on my couch. I had just bought the damn thing.

  I got a text from my father, and a phone call from my mother. She wasn't too happy and killed my cell phone to keep me from talking to him.

  And you automatically assumed it was out of spite?

  Most things my mother does are out of spite, Darling.

  You know there are mysterious circumstances regarding your sire…maybe she is trying to protect you?

  Or herself.

  If you always look for the worst, that is often all you will see.

  Changing your name to "Fortune Cookie."

  Wisdom can often be found in confections. Take cheesecake for example.

  Good point.

  Josie came plodding out of her room, Candace rubbing her eyes behind her and giving me a small smile when she saw me. "What happened?"

  I sighed. I should have waited to tell Dar until they got in the room. I hated repeating myself, but I reiterated what I told him. Candace looked thoughtful, Josie seemed…Josie. "What?"

  "I'm kind of jealous. Your father isn't human. He might be late to the party, but he's still around. I miss my dad." She frowned a little. "But I'm super happy for you."

  "Let's just hope he's not an asshole. Going to have to assume he's already a deadbeat."

  "Pshah. For all you know, he was locked in some celestial prison. Plus, do you think he could be any worse than your mother?"

  "Or yours?"

  "Not even going to bristle at that one. Or mine?"

  Candace nodded emphatically. Her little fae head threatening to come loose.

  "You don't have to agree that much, sweetie."

  Wanting a change of subject… "So. When's the big day?"

  "Next Samhain. So don't worry, you have quite a while to plan the bachelorette parties," Josie said with a chuckle.

  "Separate? Or you both going to be ogling the strippers? And what flavor would you like? Dangling or non-dangling?"

  "Why not both?"

  I looked at Candace for confirmation. She seemed very unsure. I'd go with non-dangling strippers and just get a private show for Josie later. "We can discuss it further. I can't tell you how happy I am for you both," I said as my eyes got a little misty.

  "Oh, sweetie. Thank you." Josie walked up to me and gave me a hug. The mist turned into a waterfall. I'd never in a million years thought she would be tying the knot before I did. "I can't believe you're getting married before me."

  "Me neither. Not like you don't have a list of candidates."

  "Meh. They'd probably get all jealous and demand rings, too."

  I happened to look over at Dar. He was staring at me curiously.

  What?

  Nothing. Just surprised the little one agreed to marry your friend. Make sure she is doing so of her own free will. He gave me a mental chuckle.

  I opened my mouth to broach the subject of the house next door but decided against it. It wasn't a done deal yet. When I had the keys in hand, I'd ask them their thoughts on the matter. There was almost a year before the wedding, I had time to get everything settled.

  "Jason says there is a store, but wants to know which phone you have, otherwise…sim card…blah blah blah, techno nerd-speak." Yuki huffed and looked up at me.

  "He really said that?"

  "No. There was just a lot of big words. You want to read it?"

  "No. Here," I said and pulled out my deceased cell. "Give him the model number."

  Yuki took my phone and pulled it out of the case, typing in the model number off the back.

  "Yuki?"

  "Yeah?"

  "Who pays for your phone service?"

  "My Dad. I'm expecting it to run out this month."

  "Take my phone, go meet Jason. Tell him to move mine, yours, and his to a business account."

  "I don't really need one…"

  "Shut your little fangy face and do as I say."

  "Yes, Boss."

  "Good girl."

  She was out the door in a flash.

  Dar looked up at me.

  "You want a cell phone too?"

  Hardly. I do not understand humanity's fascination with those devices.

  "Obviously you have never played Candy Crush."

  He huffed and lay his head back down on the couch. I sat down next to him and absentmindedly stroked his fur. Candace sat next to me and leaned against my shoulder. "You okay?"

  She nodded against me. "Just glad you are home."

  "I'm hopping in the shower," Josie said and headed toward her bedroom.

  "Have fun. Don't get wet."

  "That never gets old," she called over her shoulder. We'd been using the same line since we were kids. It had become almost a ritual.

  I watched her round the corner. "She okay?" I whispered my question to Candace when she was out of earshot.

  "Still angry about the Yuki thing."

  "Yeah. I could see that. She does know it was my fault, right?"

  "Yes."

  "Just jealous?"

  "Yes."

  "I guess I can't blame her. I'd be jealous if someone kissed one of my guys, too."

  "It is understandable."

  "Did it bother you? Are you mad at Yuki?"

  "No. I understand."

  "That wasn't my question."

  "No. It did not bother me. It bothered me that it hurt Josie."

  "Yeah. I get that."r />
  "I should go have a shower with her and make it up to her."

  I chuckled softly. "Have fun."

  "I shall." She got up and left Dar and I alone on the couch.

  We sat in silence for a few moments. Master?

  Yes?

  Would you care to go…shopping? I smiled at the hopefulness in his mental voice.

  We could, but I don't think bringing a dog to Walmart would go over so well.

  I could take my elven form and wear something over my ears.

  I hadn't thought about that. The thought of going anywhere wasn't exactly appealing, but maybe it would help me take my mind off things. "Okay."

  Suddenly there was a naked elf sitting next to me. "May I borrow your clothes again?"

  I sighed. He would probably be better dressed than most, but he would still stand out. They were women's clothes after all. But the less attention he garnered while trying to appear human, the better. "No. I'll have Jason bring you some of his. He needs to drop off my cell phone anyway. Would you mind waiting that long?"

  "That is a good idea. May I borrow yours while we wait?"

  "Please."

  "You do not like seeing me without clothes." He didn't make it a question.

  "That's the problem. I do."

  "Ah. I shall change, then." He got up off the couch and I wanted so badly to reach out and just touch him. Anywhere. Everywhere. I waited until he was in my room before sighing and standing.

  I walked over to Josie's room and lightly rapped on the door.

  "Who is it?"

  "Housekeeping, you want mint for pillow?"

  Josie chuckled and opened it, standing there wrapped in a towel. Candace was just pulling off her shirt and didn't stop on my account. I tried hard not to look but failed miserably. "Can I borrow your phone? I need to call Jason."

  "I don't have his number. Do you know it?"

  Shit. "No. Crap."

  "I have Yuki's," Candace said, grabbing hers off the dresser and handing it to me.

  Jose cocked an eyebrow at her but didn't say anything.

  "I have everyone's numbers for just such emergencies. It would be wise for you to, as well." She slapped Josie on the ass.

  "Uh huh."

  "Knock it off, Josie," I chided her, knowing she was half-playing.

  "Just trying to make her feel guilty. She gets kinkier when you do that," she whispered conspiratorially, knowing full well that Candace could hear her. She got a well-deserved elbow to the ribs.

  "You're sure you want to marry her?" I gave Candace a sad little look.

  She nodded, stopped to think about it, and nodded some more. Josie couldn't elbow her unless she wanted to take out a tooth, so she just pouted.

  "She gets kinkier when she thinks you are mad at her," Candace said and winked.

  "Okay. Great talk, you two." I shook my head and headed back out into the living room.

  Yuki picked up on the third ring. "I told you not to call me when Josie was around."

  "What?"

  "I'm kidding. I knew it was you."

  "You better be kidding."

  "I am, I swear!" She started laughing.

  "Is Jason there?"

  "Yeah. You wanna talk to him?"

  "No. Just ask him to stop by his house. I'm taking Dar shopping and he needs some clothes. And a hat. If he wouldn't mind lending him some."

  There was muffled conversation and she came back on the line. "He said no problem."

  "Tell him I said thank you. How long are you going to be?"

  "He's just signing everything now. We'll be back shortly."

  "Yokai."

  "Were you trying to say 'roger' in Japanese?"

  "Hai."

  "Congratulations. You just said ghost. Roger is 'ryokai'."

  "That's what I said?"

  "Give it up, Yankee."

  The line clicked dead. I stared at it a minute to make sure. One thing was for certain, I needed to watch more anime.

  Chapter 5

  Hello? Are you there? I hit send on the same text as the last twelve I had sent. Dar, Yuki, and I were walking into Walmart and I almost ran into one of the metal poles they set into the concrete outside the doors to stop cars from driving into the store.

  "Be careful, Boss," Yuki said and pushed me out of its path.

  I saw the pole and shot her a look of gratitude. "Thanks."

  She nodded. "The work of a familiar is never done."

  "Just yesterday, I saved her from stubbing her toe." Dar chuckled to himself.

  "Would you guys rather do little stuff like this or rescue me from other realms and assassins?"

  "Assassins," they said simultaneously, nodding their heads. The effect was quite creepy.

  "Sorry your job has been boring for all of twenty-four hours."

  "Just kidding. Shopping barriers are more than enough danger," Yuki said and grabbed a cart after we passed through the sliding glass doors.

  "Welcome to Walmart," the greeter said with a smile. He was human, but might have been close to my mother's age, judging from the leathery texture of his skin.

  "Thanks. Glad to be here," I said and smiled.

  "That's a first," he answered with a wink.

  "Dar, grab a cart, too. We might as well stock up while we're here."

  "On what?"

  "The necessities. Coffee and beer."

  "Don't forget, you're out of wine, too," Yuki reminded me.

  "Yeah, but they don't sell that here. We'll have to go to a liquor store."

  "Bummer."

  "You need clothes?"

  She shook her head but gave me that little blushing look that signaled she was full of shit.

  "Fine. I'll just pick out some cute little dresses for you to wear."

  "I could use some jeans. And underwear. Maybe a couple of T-shirts."

  I looked down at her very worn shoes. "And shoes."

  She looked down and gave me a resigned sigh. "Shoes, too."

  I gave her a smile and patted her head. She was learning. "All right. Dar first, then we'll hit the women's section. Then get the rest."

  "I do not know what size I am?" Dar was leafing through the jeans on the shelf.

  "I'd say thirty-two waist, thirty inseam, and an extra large in shirts. Gotta fit those shoulders in."

  "Help me?"

  I chuckled and took pity on him, pulling out a few pairs and went down a size on a couple that looked like they would be a little baggy on him. An ass like that shouldn't be hidden behind curtains. Shrink wrap would be better. I stuffed the pile in his arms and pointed at the changing rooms, the attendant practically drooling at him as he walked over. "I'll find you some shirts while you try those on."

  "Yes, Master."

  The attendant blinked and stared at me open-mouthed.

  I wiggled my eyebrows at her.

  Yuki just laughed. "I'm going to go look, is that okay?"

  "Sure."

  She pushed the other cart across the aisle into the women's section. I kept staring at my phone, hoping for a response. Hoping for anything.

  "How do these look?"

  I tore my eyes from my phone, praising the Lady that I had. Dar was standing by the attendant's counter and looking over his shoulder at the mirror on the wall. She was clutching her heart and I wiped the drool from my chin. He was wearing the jeans and nothing else. The hat that had been covering his ears was gone and the cascading waves of brown hair he had tucked up under it was barely doing the job. Good thing she wasn't looking anywhere near his head.

  I'd seen him in his elven form totally naked. There was just something about a shirtless man in jeans, barefoot, that just got the old juices flowing. He looked like he should have been on the cover of a magazine. Or standing in a field of wheat on the September page of a farming calendar. "Those…um… Those look good. Are those the thirties or the thirty-twos?"

  "The thirties. The others would have required a belt. They kept sliding over my hips."


  "Yeah. Go with those then," I managed to say.

  The attendant could only nod in agreement.

  "I shall. Did you happen to find a shirt?"

  "Uh. I'll keep looking."

  "Thank you, Master." He turned around and went back into the dressing room.

  "Girl, where the hell did you find him, what did you do to get him to call you master, and does he have a fricking brother?"

  "Oh, I went through hell to get that one. Unfortunately, he's an only child." I think.

  "Damn. Kudos to you."

  I made a mental note never to bring the other four into the store with me. Her heart probably wouldn't be able to handle it and she seemed like a nice lady.

  "Thanks," I said with a grin.

  Dar came back out, with two piles of clothing, and set the one on the counter. "My thanks," he told the clerk.

  "Sugar, it was my pleasure."

  "Come on, Dar. Let's find you some shirts."

  It didn't take us long. We found Yuki and waited for her to finish picking out some clothes. She seemed hesitant but then I realized not much in the store suited her particular fashion sense. I'd make it up to her by taking her to the mall for a girls' day of shopping. She'd find more of a selection with chains and skulls there.

  "Where to next?"

  "Swing by the office supplies," I told her.

  She looked around at the overhead signs and pointed us in the right direction. "You need stuff?"

  "Crayons."

  "Crayons?"

  "Don't ask. Welcoming home present for Jaeren."

  "If he comes home."

  "When he comes home. I wasn't kidding when I said I would wreck their world if they didn't return him."

  Yuki only nodded solemnly.

  We would join you.

  I know, Dar.

  It kind of hit me, right then, when the moment of anger and protectiveness swept over me, that I realized how I felt about the stuck-up, condescending, statuesque elf. We had started out as enemies, but he was kind of growing on me. I wouldn't exactly classify us as friends, yet, but the foundations were definitely there. I wasn't kidding when I said I'd destroy an entire realm to keep him safe. If that wasn't a good foundation, I didn't know what the hell else was.

  A sixty-four box of crayons, an entire ream of paper for him to draw on, six coloring books, two cases of coffee, two cases of beer, and thirty minutes in the checkout line later, and we were out the door. A very successful trip. I hadn't murdered anybody.