Home Is Burning

by Dan Marshall

  “Thanks, Mom,” I said, and ran to catch up with the group, ready to start my new life.

  ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

  This book would not exist if it weren’t for my family (for obvious reasons). It’s hard to have some mean asshole write about you, and my family, for some reason, tolerated it and even encouraged me.

  Thanks especially to my terrific mom, who has provided so much love and support in my life. She believed in me before anyone else did. Her fight with cancer is an inspiration. Before starting her latest round of chemo in the fall of 2014, she said, “I’ve got to keep on living so you little fuckers have someone to write about.”

  Thanks to Tiffany for being a great older sister full of Dad-like advice. Thanks to Greg for being my best friend and reading so many drafts of my work. Thanks to Jessica for putting up with all my shit and still loving me. Thanks to Chelsea for being so funny and not suing me, despite threatening to countless times.

  Thanks to all the great people at Flatiron. Thanks to Colin Dickerman for taking a chance on a crude, unknown voice and being one hell of an editor. Thanks to Whitney Frick for reading the book countless times and taking the material to the next level. And to Marlena Bittner, publicist extraordinaire. Thank you, Bob Miller, Liz Keenan, James Melia, David Lott, Emily Walters, and copy editor Greg Villepique.

  Thanks to my agent, Elisabeth Weed, for changing my life. The book file sat on a corner of my computer screen untouched for several years before she got her miracle-worker hands on it. Special thanks to Jenny Meyer for all her hard work. And thanks to Dana Murphy.

  Thanks to those who read really early and really shitty drafts. (Can you believe there were even shittier versions than this?) Thanks to Charles Finch for being the first champion of the book. Thanks to Matteo Borghese, John O’Connor, Chuck MacLean, Dave Cowen, Giles Andrew, Katie O’Reilly, Gabriel Reilich, Bob Leavitt, Sarah Streicher, Mike Steffen, Ivy Pruss, Gary Neuenschwander, and Matt Olson for their terrific notes, which helped shape and improve the book. Much thanks to Rob Turbovsky, John Phillips, Morgan Matson, and Sonia Kharkar for their support of the book.

  Home Is Burning started out as notes I would post to Facebook. Writers are fueled by encouragement and the belief that they have something to say that people actually want to hear. So thanks to all those people who “liked” the stories and writing, even when they were poorly conceived Facebook notes full of typos and even filthier language.

  Thanks to all my friends for listening to me bitch about life and laughing at all my stupid jokes. I don’t want to name people here because if I left someone like Tigg Casper off the list, then he’d get all bitchy about it and we wouldn’t be friends anymore. But friends, you know who you are. Thank you!

  Thanks to all the additional family and friends who supported us during this difficult time. All the lasagnas, letters, visits, and love got us through it. Thanks to our neighbors. I shit on Mormons, but they really are some of the nicest people in the world.

  And last, thanks to my dad for his brave battle with Lou Gehrig’s disease. His courage taught me so much about life. Throughout his fight, he remained supportive of my dreams. One of the last things he told me was that I should pursue writing because it seemed like the career that would make me happiest. And it has. Even though I’m still pretty depressed all the time.

  ALS ASSOCIATION DONATIONS

  If you can’t tell from the hundreds of pages you’ve just read, ALS is a horrible disease. Scientists, doctors, and researchers are working their asses off trying to find ways to prevent, treat, and cure it. But they need help. Thus, because I’m a hero (of sorts) in the same category as, say, Mother Teresa, I will be donating a portion of the proceeds from the sales of this book to the ALS Association. If you’d like to learn more about ALS than what I already poetically taught you, or if you’d like to make a donation, visit www.alsa.org. Thanks, and fuck Lou Gehrig’s disease!

  ABOUT THE AUTHOR

  Dan Marshall grew up in a nice home with nice parents in Salt Lake City, Utah, before attending the University of California, Berkeley. After college, Dan worked at a public relations firm in Los Angeles. At twenty-five, he left work and returned to Salt Lake City to take care of his sick parents. While caring for them, he started writing detailed accounts about many of their weird, sad, funny adventures. Home Is Burning is his first book. You can sign up for email updates here.

  Thank you for buying this

  Flatiron Books ebook.

  To receive special offers, bonus content,

  and info on new releases and other great reads,

  sign up for our newsletters.

  Or visit us online at

  us.macmillan.com/newslettersignup

  For email updates on the author, click here.

  CONTENTS

  Title Page

  Copyright Notice

  Dedication

  Preface

  The Bomb

  Preparing for the Shitstorm

  The Year Before the Worst Year of Our Lives

  Leaving Los Angeles

  My New Job

  The Little Girls

  Stana’s Cat Holocaust

  Meet Mike, My Dad’s New Voice

  Cancer Comedian

  A Visit to the Queen B

  The Ambulance, Bro

  Rehabilitation

  Welcome Home

  Bob’s Monster Bus of Exciting Magic

  We’re Here for the Cake

  Children’s Dance Theater

  Hidden Brownies

  Jessica Is No Seein’ Bright Light of Future

  Spa Day

  The Dildo Show

  Father’s Day

  The End of the Hope Campaign

  The Official Letter and Some Subsequent Questions

  I’ll Blow You till the End

  Funeral Planning with Chelsea

  The Good-bye Parade

  The Day Before the Day Of

  The Day Of

  Epilogue

  Acknowledgments

  ALS Association Donations

  About the Author

  Copyright

  This is a true story, though some names and details have been changed.

  HOME IS BURNING. Copyright © 2015 by Dan Marshall. All rights reserved. For information, address St. Martin’s Press, 175 Fifth Avenue, New York, N.Y. 10010.

  www.flatironbooks.com

  Cover design by Rodrigo Corral

  The Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data for the print edition is available upon request.

  ISBN 978-1-250-06882-8 (hardcover)

  ISBN 978-1-250-06885-9 (e-book)

  e-ISBN 9781250068859

  Our e-books may be purchased in bulk for promotional, educational, or business use. Please contact the Macmillan Corporate and Premium Sales Department at (800) 221-7945, extension 5442, or by e-mail at MacmillanSpecialMarkets@macmillan.com.

  First Edition: October 2015