by Ryan Michele
“Man, I missed you baby girl. I’m so glad you’re home.” My insides turn warm, wanted, loved. I feel the red blush creeping up my cheeks. Ma pulls away, “Look at you! You are skin and bones, you need food, now.” She shakes her head disapprovingly.
“I eat Ma. I’ve just been under a bit of stress with school, but it’ll get better.” I reassure her not knowing if it will ever get better.
“You’ll eat now while you’re here. If I have to watch every bite you put in your mouth, I will young lady.” I grin. “And you need strength to take care of my boy.” My lips fall and my eyes close.
“Ma, it’s only for a few more hours and then he’ll be on his own, but thanks.”
“Sweetheart, my boy is a stubborn man like his daddy. You don’t give up on him, you hear me.”
I nod and the tightness in my chest returns. I give a slight cough to clear my throat. “I need to get some food for G.T. he hasn’t eaten in a while.”
“I’ll get it sweetheart.” She releases her hold on me, moving quickly throughout the kitchen.
Legs approaches, “You are so beautiful Casey and smart to boot. Your daddy is so proud of you right now.”
One small mention of Bam and I’m fighting back tears that I thought had dried up. “Thank you.” I choke out trying to hold back.
“We were all so worried when you left. We still are. I know that Bam wanted you to go to school, but can’t you do that online or something so you’re home?” I stand there shocked at her words. Never once has anyone really said anything about my leaving. Never once have any of them said they wanted me to stay here. “I mean, we all know you are smart and can do it, we just miss you here.” She smiles pulling away.
“I never thought about online school.” In fact, when I found out I was pregnant I couldn’t get out of here quick enough.
“Just something to think about.” She winks moving back to the counter of food.
Bubbles giggles as she walks over and wraps her arms around me tight. “I agree with everything they said. But I want to add, G.T. needs you. He just hasn’t been himself since you left.”
I pull away from her, hurt by her words. “He doesn’t want me, Bubbles. He made it perfectly clear and I’ll be going right back to school when Diamond’s funeral is over.” Something inside of me strengthened. I just don’t care that he isn’t the same. It’s his own damn fault. Not mine. He did this, not me.
“I’m sad to hear that.” She shakes her head back and forth. “We sure do miss you.”
“I really need to get G.T.’s food and get back. He’ll be waking up soon and if I’m not there, he’ll get out of bed.” She nods, moving away.
I turn to Ma, who holds out two plates of heaping with food. “Thanks.” Ma doesn’t say a word as I leave the kitchen heading back to G.T.’s room.
Entering the room, G.T.’s eyes bore into mine as I enter. “I got food.” I hold up the plates showing him.
“You weren’t supposed to leave.” His voice is tense and strained.
“I was only gone for a minute.” I walk to the side table setting the food down.
“That’s what the phone is for. You could have called it in.” He demands.
“I needed some air. I’m here. Calm down.” I place my plate on the desk and walk back over to the bed, grabbing the small bed tray to set his food on.
G.T. slowly moves up and I place the tray on his lap along with the food. “You need to stay here with me. Alright?” His voice pleads catching me off guard. I pause and stare at him, his face showing every bit of the plea.
“I’m here. No worries. Let’s eat.” I move to the desk and bring my plate to G.T’s side table. We eat in companionable silence. I can only get a little down, my appetite still not up to normal.
“That all you’re gonna eat, Angel?” He asks swallowing his food.
“I’m finished.”
“You hardly ate anything. Here.” He holds his fork out with turkey and mashed potatoes on it to my mouth expectantly. I roll my eyes, but open my mouth to take a bite. “See now that’s not so hard.”
“The ol’ ladies are good cooks.”
For the next fifteen minutes, G.T. takes two bites and then feeds one to me. Warmth floods my body at his sweet and kind gesture. My heart flutters threatening to fly out of my chest. I try not reading more into this than it is, but he is making it difficult.
After we are done, I clear the plates setting them on the desk after G.T. refuses to let me leave to take them back to the kitchen. I give G.T. his meds and he takes them without complaint.
“Harlow said I need to change your bandage. You alright with that.”
“Better question is, are you?” My spine stiffens and my face shows resolve.
“Of course I am. I can handle just about anything.”
I remove the bandages, seeing for the first time the wounds that could have ended his life. My gut clenches at the thought of losing him. It’s one thing to not be with him, it’s another to lose him forever. I clean and add the salve from Doc and bandage him all back up.
“Why don’t you go back to sleep. I’m gonna work on some homework.” I move around the bed to the desk sitting in the chair.
“I think we need to talk.” My blood runs cold; there is no way Harlow had the chance to talk to him without me around. I continue looking at the desk.
“About?”
“Angel, come sit down.” I blow out a deep breath the coldness in my veins heating fast, nerves begin to rack me.
I get up slowly and sit on the edge of the bed. He grips my hand tight and the most unexpected words fall from his lips.
“I lied.” I stare at him having no idea what he’s talking about. “I didn’t fuck that woman who came out of my room that day. I lied about that.”
I gasp and jump out of his grip moving quickly away from the bed. “Why would you do that?” I try my damnedest to hold back.
“I’m a fucking dumbass.” He grumbles and I wait. “Bam wanted you to go to school, get your degree.” He pauses. “And you need someone better. Someone who doesn’t live this fucked up life.”
Anger rises in my gut. Strength I thought I’d lost when I lost Mia comes back in full force. I move quickly to the other side of the room needing some space. “Fuck you! I needed you! I wanted you and only you! And I’m sure you fucked anything that came in front of you.”
“No.”
I stare at him. “So this whole fucking time, I thought you cheated on me. That I wasn’t enough for you! That my pussy didn’t satisfy you.” I turn away not wanting to give him the satisfaction of seeing the welled up tears. He does not deserve them.
“Not good enough?” G.T.’s voice reverberates through the room making me jolt. “You’re too good, Angel. Too perfect. With you, I don’t want anyone else. I don’t need anyone else.” I hear movement over by the bed.
“Do not get out of that bed.” I demand between clenched teeth. “You pass out again, I’m leaving your ass on the floor.”
“Angel. Look at me.”
“No.” I am not falling for this shit. “I saw you kiss her G.T. Don’t tell me that was a figment of my imagination.”
“That was a thank you peck. It wasn’t a kiss. She cleaned my room, Angel. That’s all.”
“So you’re telling me you never fucked her.” I bat the tears away focusing on the anger bubbling inside of me.
“I didn’t say that. It was before we got together.” He did this. If he wouldn’t have lied, I would have told him about Mia and I wouldn’t have lost her. It’s all his fault. “Look, I fucked up. I know it. Please come here.”
“It’s your fault. It’s all your fucking fault!” I scream so loud I think the walls will shudder. Fury races through my body and I cannot control anything, especially my mouth. My hands shake and my vision becomes hazy. “You’re the reason she’s gone. If you wouldn’t have lied and told me the truth, none of this would have happened!” I clench my fists wanting to punch something, mainly G.
T.’s face.
“Who is she?”
“Mia!”
“Who in the hell is Mia? You’ve got me lost.” I don’t even register the confused look on his face because I don’t care. I don’t care about anything. Nothing.
“The day you told me I wasn’t good enough, you remember that? Well, it was the day I was coming to tell you I was pregnant!” His eyes widen. “Yeah. Your baby growing inside of me, but no, that happy moment got crushed because you were a fucking prick!” I scream.
“You’re carrying my baby?” His eyes move to my stomach, my very flat stomach, his forehead wrinkles. I hold on to the fury and grab it with both hands because if I break now, I’ll be in a pile on the floor. Fury is the only thing that can get me through this right now.
“Had G.T., had your baby growing inside of me.”
I turn to him and he straightens on the bed standing up to his full height, well over six feet. His face turns menacing and if I were anyone else, I’d probably be shitting myself right about now. But I’m not. I stand my ground.
“You mean to tell me you aborted my baby?” Each word comes out in rage, a small amount of spittle with each word. His words make me snap and lose all sense of reality.
“No, you fucking prick! No! I would never kill my baby!” I point to my chest to punctuate the word my. “I miscarried, you fucking asshole!”
He crosses his arms over his chest, wrinkles forming around his eyes like he’s in deep thought. My body is breathing so hard I’m beginning to feel light headed, but keep my head up. “You weren’t going to tell me. You fucking left here, carrying my baby and weren’t going to fucking tell me, Casey? What the hell is wrong with you?” He seethes.
I laugh not a happy one but a what-the-fuck-am-I-doing one. “I was coming back to tell you, even if you didn’t deserve to know. I was waiting until I found out if it was a boy or a girl!”
“You fucking said it was a girl.”
“I don’t know for sure. It’s what I think she was. I lost her before I could find out.” My grasp on the anger is beginning to slip, but I hold on by my fingertips.
“So if I wouldn’t have gotten hurt and Diamond wouldn’t have gotten killed, would you have even fucking told me? Or would you have just gone on living your happy little college life up north?”
“Fuck off. I’m done explaining myself to you. You know about her and your twenty-four hours is officially up in my book. Stay the hell away from me while I’m here.”
I walk to the door and grab the handle. “How do I even know the baby’s mine?” He questions from behind me snidely.
The knife that he just stabbed me with had become encased in my heart. Anything left inside of it shrivels into nothingness. “You don’t. Guess you have nothing to be upset about.” I turn the handle of the door and slam it behind me. I turn to go to my room, but stop. If I go there, I will cry myself into oblivion. I need to be around people, it will be the only way to hold myself together.
Walking into the main room, I head directly to the bar where Buzz is standing with a smile as he sees me, but it falls. “What’s wrong girl?” He asks innocently enough.
“Nothing. I need a bottle of Jim and a glass, please.” I motion to the bottle on the wall.
Buzz gets them and pours my first shot, the burning seeps through my body and I can feel the exact moment it hits my stomach. I close my eyes at the fire, but open them quickly pouring another one. I don’t normally drink, but screw it. Screw it all. I pour another and another, shooting them both back quickly.
“You might want to slow down there sunshine.” Tug says from behind the bar next to Buzz.
I wave him off and pour my next shot. My head is already fuzzy, but I can’t stop myself. The music and the commotion around me does nothing to deter my interest in the golden amber liquid in front of me. If only I can forget, just for a while. I gulp another and the bottle is snatched away from me.
I turn my head to the culprit and sigh. Becs. “What are you doing, girl?” The little girl inside wants to shrivel up in his arms, just to feel some closeness with Bam, but I refrain.
“Just having a drink. That’s what we do around here, Becs. Drink, screw and drink some more.”
“You’re done.” He says with authority, I roll my eyes.
“I am not done! Give me a bottle and I’ll take it to my room.” I yell looking into his eyes that are laced with deep concern.
“No, care to tell me what the hell is going on?”
“Guilt!” is boomed from across the room and all movement in the clubhouse seizes. I blow out a breath, wishing I was back up in Cherry Vale, even if it reminds me of Mia, it’s better than this.
I ignore him and turn to Becs. “Just give me one more, please.” I plead, but it falls on deaf ears.
“Guilt from what, Casey?” I shake my head at Becs question.
“From not telling me she was pregnant with my baby and leaving like a fucking coward!” G.T. yells. The audible gasps around the room make my stomach constrict, even if what he’s saying is a lie, it hurts.
“Go to hell!” I yell over my shoulder.
“You’re pregnant, Casey?” Becs asks gripping the bottle in his hand so tight, his knuckles turn white. I thought for sure he’d crush the bottle.
I look him in the eyes. “I lost her.” I whisper softly only to him, but no doubt everyone in the room heard it.
“Yeah. She says she fucking lost it. How do I know she didn’t kill it herself?”
I jump off the bar stool fast and aim straight for G.T., my head a bit foggy. “I fucking did not kill my baby! I loved her more than I loved anything in this world. I’m the one who carried her for thirteen weeks and two days. I’m the one who felt her growing inside of me. I’m the one who took care of her as if she was the most precious thing in this world. Me!” I seethe not caring if the entire club hears my business because more than likely they’d all know by morning anyway, may as well let them to know the truth.
“Because you didn’t give me a chance!” He bites back.
“But remember what you said? You don’t know if she was even yours. Considering I’m a whore who sleeps around with all your brothers. Whose do you think it could have been?” I tap my finger on my chin pretending to be in deep thought. “Hmm… Oh, I bet you think it’s Tug’s right?” His face lights up with red fury. “Don’t worry, we never had sex. You’re the only asshole I let touch me!” I shake my head. “God, I was so fucking wrong about you.”
“And I was about you! How could you keep our baby a secret?”
“Because you’d just told me that you wanted to fuck other women and that I wasn’t good enough. How did I know you’d be happy we were having a baby? You’d just told me you didn’t want me. So what was I supposed to say? ‘Hey G.T. now I’ve got your baby. You’re stuck with me.’” I shake my head. “I wouldn’t do that. I left to build a life for myself and my baby. You were going to know her, but I’d have a life for her with or without you.”
“That’s so big and noble of you.” He coughs. “Problem. You should have fucking told me from the start.”
“Well, I didn’t. And if I could do it all over again, I’d do the same damn thing. You’re the one who fucking lied. You set all of this in motion. You, G.T.! One lie was all it took to set this big ball in motion. You are just as guilty in this as I am.” I turn and head straight for Becs.
“I want a bottle.” I demand.
“Baby, you don’t have to go through this on your own.” He says quietly.
“I don’t belong here. This is Bam’s family, not mine. I’ve never belonged here.”
“That’s bullshit and you damn well know it.” Becs nods to the side to someone, but I don’t turn to look.
“Bullshit. Let’s see. I don’t fit in. I don’t live the life. I don’t ride. I don’t fight. Do I need to continue?”
“You think all that shit matters, Casey? You being Bam’s daughter makes you family.” Becs’ voice is calm and I want
to scream at him.
“No. It makes me an obligation.” Tears form in my eyes but, I blink them back. I’m so damn tired of tears.
“What the fuck are you talking about?” Harlow bellows from behind me, I breathe out deep holding back the roll of my eyes.
“I’m going to my room!” I say moving away from Becs and meeting a very pissed off Harlow.
“Not part of this family. Are you fucking kidding me right now, Casey?” Her face is mere inches away from mine and I can smell the peppermint on her breath. I go to move around her, but she stops me. “Oh no, you don’t.” She sidesteps and grabs my arms. “You are not a fucking obligation. If you were, we’d all be considered that. These men and women love you Casey. They’d lay down their fucking life for you. How do you not know that?”
I shrug not knowing what to say. My whole life I’ve felt like an outsider looking in, never really being part of it.
“Bullshit. Don’t you remember graduation? The party all of these people threw for you?”
“That was for you, Harlow.”
She eyes me and tilts her head. “You really believe that don’t you?” I nod.
“What about when you and Bam finished your car? You remember that night?”
“That was for Bam.”
“Holy shit. You really don’t see it.” I hang my head letting the humiliation course through me.
Harlow begins pointing to the member’s one at a time around the room. “See them. See?” I shake my head. “Babe. This entire club loves you. Those parties were for you, too.”
“Then why don’t I have a club name, Princess?”
Harlow looks behind me and I turn to see Becs standing right behind me. “Bam never wanted you to have a club name. He asked us not to.”
“Why would he do that?”
He clears his throat repeatedly and comes to sit next to me. “Bam was a bit more traditional with the club. He told all of us that your ol’ man would give you a club name if you chose to be part of this life. It’s not easy. You know that and Bam wanted to make sure that it was your choice.”
