Lawfully Remembered

by Ginny Sterling

  “Just order off the ‘menu’, Melly,” Cassidy quipped in a vulgar fashion referring to men, “… even if you get the wrong meal, it’s still at least something, and you might just like it!” Cassidy would then wink, smile, and move on to her next conquest. Cassidy’s brash words always struck a nerve, and were something she could never comprehend.

  Melissa couldn’t do that- it wasn’t in her to be that carefree or careless.

  Cassidy was someone who could fall down, roll over, and get back up in order to keep truckin’ along. Melissa was that person that if she fell, it was hard and the impact registered on the Richter scale. Jesse was a ten on that scale when she’d first seen him walking down the hallway. Her world had stopped turning when her eyes had met his. Nothing compared to the way she felt when she looked at him; it was embarrassing and humbling…

  Cassidy claimed that love at first sight was for fools, that thinking such a thing was complete lunacy. Melissa believed in it wholeheartedly, and the idea of having a soulmate, someone that was put on this earth for you alone, gave her a semblance of peace in her heart. Part of her hoped it was Jesse from the way she felt, but a more realistic part of her wondered if she hadn’t met the right person yet. No one ever made her feel those same sensations as when she’d first laid eyes on Jesse.

  Secondly, Melissa was a nurse.

  While she cared about her patients, wondered how they were doing, wished them well, etc.- there was a boundary she couldn’t cross. She got into nursing because she wanted to help people and cared. What she couldn’t explain is that how caring so much kept her up at night, wondering fearfully if she could have done more or done something different for the person. That was part of the reason she went into trauma. She wanted to help the worst of the worst – and she struggled to make sure she was the best… of the best! Melissa was one of the top trauma nurses in the state, and several doctors wanted her there in the emergency room. She was dedicated, driven, and dependable.

  “Are you gonna go say hello today to your little toy soldier?” Cassidy teased in a hushed whisper as Melissa was borrowing the computer to sign off on orders.

  “No, and stop that,” Melissa muttered, swatting at Cassidy’s hand as she stole her favorite rollerball gel pen. “That better reappear in my pocket really fast, Cassidy Jean Rowen!”

  “Can we swap?”

  “No, unless you have another rollerball?”

  “No - I’ve got a cheapie click-pen I stole from the bank,” Cassidy retorted, shrugging and rolling her eyes. She slipped the pen back in Melissa’s scrub pocket. “There! Now why aren’t you going to go see your Romeo?”

  “Because you keep saying that?!” Melissa balked, her voice rising an octave almost hysterically. “Would you just hush-up please?”

  “What? It’s sweet. I mean, who else has a crush for eighteen… oh hellooo…” Cassidy breathed and stopped midsentence, causing Melissa to glance up in surprise. Jesse’s partner had returned in civilian clothes and apparently only had eyes for Cassidy.

  “Hello Mr. Cobb,” Melissa said politely, fighting back a smile as Cassidy suddenly elbowed her expectantly. “This is Cassidy Rowen, the nurse on duty assigned to Jesse.”

  “Well hello there,” Cassidy practically purred, smiling up at the man. “Are you here all by your little lonesome self?”

  “Oh mercy,” Melissa groaned under her breath, rolling her eyes.

  “I am. It’s nice to meet you, Cassidy. I’m Grant.”

  “Mmmm… Grant. That’s a nice, strong, handsome name.”

  “Cause I’m a nice, strong, handsome guy,” he quipped, grinning at Cassidy ignoring Melissa completely.

  “Cassidy, can you get me some Pepto from the Pyxis med-station? I’m feeling a little nauseous now.”

  “Actually, I was thinking maybe I could use a little Tylenol myself?” Cassidy retorted slyly, glancing at Melissa and then back at Grant. Melissa could practically see big puffy hearts, butterflies, and sparkles floating around Cassidy’s blond hair as she stood there eyeing the brawny man.

  “Are you feeling bad?” Grant said, feigning concern and watching her.

  “I’m aching and so terribly hot right now….” Cassidy whispered.

  “ANNNND on that note? I’m out of here!” Melissa snapped in sheer disgust and horror at the blatant display from her best friend, flipping the clipboard shut with a loud echoing click.

  “Cass, check on bed eight when you are done drooling over Jesse’s friend and call me later with an update once your raging hormones are under control, woman. I’m off duty and heading out.”

  Melissa drove home and waited for Cassidy’s call. When the phone rang, she listened patiently as she relayed that she had a date later that evening with Grant as well as the announcement that Dr. Sweeney had removed the shunt from Jesse’s brain. He was getting up, moving around, and making progress, showing that he still had usage of fine motor skills.

  “I can’t tell you much more than that, Melly.”

  “I know.”

  “You could go see him as a friend.”

  “I was his trauma nurse. I don’t think I should.”

  “This is a bit different. You went to high school with him and knew him then. It would be no different than going to a reunion and seeing people again that you’d helped in the past.”

  “That is one way of looking at it,” Melissa hedged nervously.

  “Just visit on a day you are off, say hello, and see if there is any sparks kinda like when I met Grant. Mercy me, that man makes fireworks…” Cassidy sighed and whistled appreciatively.

  “You are completely ate up, woman. Do you know that?”

  “And you love me,” Cassidy replied easily in a high-pitched voice.

  It was a month before Melissa finally got up the courage to go and see Jesse. She watched the hallway carefully the entire time to see if a woman arrived or a family showed up to see Jesse. It had been forever, and so much time had passed that she was positive that he might be married or divorced at some point. Someone had to come along and check on him, right? She waited and waited but in utter disbelief, no one arrived… ever.

  Fidgeting nervously, she wore a simple cardigan over a blouse. Looking in her visor mirror, she applied lip-gloss and a bit of mascara before taking a hard look at herself. She was pathetic. She was worried about how she looked to a man that might not remember how to hold a spoon. Be nice, be a friend, and most of all be careful, she thought. There was no reason to risk her job for the sake of a whim- but wasn’t she doing that now?

  Getting out of the car, she walked into the hospital and tried to remain calm. Several people waved at her and said hello as she maneuvered down the stark hallways easily. According to Cassidy, Jesse was doing much better and had been moved from ICU to a regular room two weeks ago – but that was also the last time she’d heard from her friend.

  Apparently she and Grant really hit it off and had been seeing each other quite a bit. She was really happy for her friend and hoped he didn’t turn out to be just another in a long list of names of guys Cassidy had dated over the years. She never settled down or really got serious about anyone, whereas Melissa never gave herself the chance to.

  Walking onto the hallway, she fought the nervousness swamping her and took a deep breath. Be normal, be cool, she urged mentally. As she walked up to the room, she saw that the large wooden doorway was open about three inches. Knocking gently, she pushed open the door and stepped inside.

  “Hello?”

  “Hi sweetie,” an older woman lay in the bed watching television. “Can you hand me the remote. It fell off the side of the bed.”

  “Of course,” Melissa said numbly with a faint smile. She picked up the remote and handed it to her. “Would you like a light or some water?”

  “Oh no thank you. The light hurts my eyes because its right above my head. Do you know when my nurse or doctor is going to be back? They said they would come and talk to me.”

  “I’m sure someone
will be here soon.”

  Backing out of the room, Melissa leaned against the wall and ignored the colorful prongs that were used to label the stages of care, that were currently digging into her shoulder blade. Seeing several nurses at the main desk, she walked up.

  “Do you know what room Jesse Smithson is in?”

  “Hey Melissa, what are you doing up here on your day off?”

  “Just seeing a family friend,” she said casually.

  “Some friend,” Marlene harrumphed, putting her hand on her hip. “Smithson was discharged with orders this morning.”

  “Oh, I’m sure they just haven’t called me yet,” Melissa said playfully, waving it off. “Everyone’s been asking about him and how he was doing. I told them that I’d swing by and check.”

  “Everyone, huh?”

  “Yep. Everyone we hang out with,” Melissa said with a false smile, and felt sweat bead up on her brow. Marlene wasn’t dumb. The woman was sharp as a tack and aggressive like a great white shark. When she smelled blood in the water, she usually bit.

  “I thought you were an only child and grew up in Tennessee?”

  “I did.”

  “Kiddo, you’ve got no social life and practically live here at the hospital – so who is this everyone you are referring to? It doesn’t take a crystal ball to see a handsome, fine-lookin’ young man and some pretty little nurse could go places, if you get my drift.”

  “Nope,” Melissa squeaked, backing away from the charge nurse who was watching her like a hawk. “No drifting over here! I don’t drift. That would be so bad and so out of character for me. I drift you not - I swear it! See you, Marlene. I think my pager just went off.”

  “Lawwwd child… a pager? Really?” Marlene guffawed, shaking her head ruefully. Melissa spun on her toes and ran directly into the glass door, bouncing off of it.

  “Oh! Ouch!” she cried out and yanked the door open, heading into the parking lot and to her car for safety. As she hopped inside, she put her head back on the headrest and groaned aloud.

  “Smooooothe Melissa. No one could ever guess why you were there today, you nitwit,” she said aloud in the silence of the car, chiding herself. She was an utter fool when it came to Jesse Smithson apparently… and had missed her chance completely.

  Chapter 5

  Jesse sat up gingerly in the hospital bed, moving extremely cautiously. He felt like he’d been run over by a car but in actuality- he’d only been pushed to the side. He remembered that part of the event as well as being shot. His hand reached up slowly, fearful of what he might find. His fingers touched bandages just above his ear and jerked away guiltily as a nurse walked in the room.

  “Someone’s up and about today,” she said with a bright smile. “I’m Cassidy and I’m going to check a few things. How are you feeling?”

  “Sore.”

  “I guess so! You are lucky to be alive.”

  “What happened? I remember the gunshot and falling, but that’s it. Everything else is blurry.”

  “Why don’t I have a doctor come in and see you now that you are awake? Or your friend,” Cassidy offered, “He’s been here repeatedly for the last few days. I think he would be really relieved to see you awake and talking.”

  “Who’s that?” Jesse whispered, feeling a sinking sensation at the look of surprise on her face that was quickly masked. The monitor beside him began to beep quickly as his pulse raced nervously. He should remember a close friend but he couldn’t picture anything right now. No faces, no names - nothing. It was as if a chalkboard had been suddenly swept clean regarding certain aspects. Everything was gone!

  “I’ll have the doctor come in first,” she repeated sympathetically, “but you need to relax a bit. This has been traumatizing and you need to allow yourself time to process things and heal. Okay?”

  Jesse watched the woman named Cassidy step out into the hallway after logging a few things in his chart. He stared at the room, his mind a mishmash of chaotic thoughts. Sometime later, the doctor walked in and spoke with him, explaining what had happened. He knew that part; what he didn’t understand was why he couldn’t remember anything else.

  “We need to run a few tests,” Dr. Smalley informed him. “The idea is to see what you remember, if you can remember small tasks, and the extent of the damage from the swelling that was present. The fact that you are awake and can remember your name is a good sign Jesse.”

  “I guess so.”

  “Take things in small steps and give yourself time.”

  “How much time?”

  “However long it takes,” Dr. Smalley said firmly. “The mind is a curious thing and we’ve only begun to untap some of its secrets. For one person it might take a few weeks, another it might be years… just like for one man, he might remember his name while another could have died from the impact. I know you don’t feel it right now, but you are a very lucky young man.”

  “I’m young?”

  “Compared to me – yes,” Dr. Smalley replied, fighting back a smile. “But according to your driver’s license you are thirty-six years old.”

  Swallowing hard, Jesse’s mind raced. He wasn’t exactly a kid, nor did he suspect that he was deep down inside. He hadn’t seen a mirror, but he felt like his soul was weary. If he was thirty-six, did that mean he was married or had children? The thought of not being able to recognize his own family terrified him. He couldn’t remember there being one, nor did it seem possible to forget something like that.

  “You’ll be okay, Jesse.”

  Nodding and wincing at the pain, Jesse looked away as he fought back waves of fear and paranoia. He hoped that whatever this was, maybe the next time he awoke he would feel more like himself again. He closed his eyes as the doctor stood up to leave the room. He didn’t want to open them because he was afraid he might cry at how lost and alone he felt right now.

  Over the next several days, Jesse went through a series of tests that were numbing as he wondered what the reason was for each one. Sometimes it was as simple as using a fork and knife – others were playing memory games or strategy games. He knew he was in the military police because of his uniform he’d found one afternoon while roaming around the room.

  They’d finally removed his I.V., allowing him a bit more freedom to move about. He’d taken a shower and been able to wash his hair for the first time since he’d awoken. The stitches were healing nicely and his scalp was very tender where he slathered it with antibacterial soap. He wished for shampoo, but the nurses insisted on the soap at this time.

  Jesse expected to feel a massive lump at the back of his head due to the severity of the injury, but there was nothing. Everything was internal to his skull and almost made him feel deflated knowing there was nothing there, and awestruck that there wasn’t more. He expected to feel something horrifying under his hair just like seeing the grazed area on his temple. At least he would have some awesome scar to show off when he relayed the story of what had happened.

  His guardian angel was all over the event that day apparently, because he felt like his life had been saved by a divine hand. He could have sworn he’d heard her voice at one point, but that might have been his imagination. He could have been run over; he could have been shot directly instead of just being grazed… he could have died in so many ways… yet here he was.

  Jesse’s body was thriving and the only thing wrong was internal in his brain. It was something that would take an unknown amount of time to heal and nothing anyone could touch or affect. Right now, all he wanted was some sense of peace or security. He was looking for something to ground him and make him feel like the old Jesse. He wanted to go home and mill about his house, see old photos and relearn who he was.

  “Dr. Smalley,” Jesse began one afternoon when the doctor was on rounds visiting him. He’d been getting up repeatedly, walking the halls and trying to get his stamina back. Lying in bed all day and all evening made him feel weak as a kitten. He knew his body and he was strong, meaning that he used it at the g
ym or ran. He’d gotten in trouble by the nurses the other day when he’d been caught trying to do sit-ups in bed just to see if he could. He wanted to grasp at that feeling – anything to feel normal again.

  “When can I go home? I want to look around my place and see if anything jogs my memory.”

  “How are you feeling?”

  “I feel normal here,” Jesse admitted and then pointed at his head with a wry smile, “Just don’t feel quite the same here and we both know that.”

  “Do you think you can take care of yourself at home?”

  “I don’t know until I try.”

  “My concern is your care. I can’t let you go home if you are going to forget to turn off the stove or blow out a candle. I have an obligation to make sure you are safe.”

  “I understand that – so how about I don’t light any candles and microwave my food,” Jesse grinned, feeling a spark of hope.

  “Can you have someone stay with you temporarily?”

  “I don’t know that I have anyone in my life, remember?”

  “I do,” Dr. Smalley replied, chuckling. “What ‘bout your friend that has been coming here? Grant Cobb? Could he stay with you?”

  “I’ve been kind of avoiding him because it feels like I’m talking to a stranger that knows more about me than myself.”

  “Maybe you should take advantage of that and look to him as a tether to your past instead of something that scares you. If you have someone that can stay with you for the first forty-eight hours and then come back for your stitches to be removed – I’ll release you from the hospital with strict conditions.”

  “What’s that?”

  “No driving for a few weeks and rest. While your body wants to move, you need to allow the mind to heal, and jostling it about won’t help things.”

  “The nurses told you?”

  “Yes. You need to give yourself time, Jesse.”