“Stop doubting, Alice. You’re good enough and completely deserving,” she sees my hesitation and my excitement. She knows my heart. “If nothing else, allow yourself one night to experience something good. The problems will be there in the morning for you to shoulder.”
Her words echo around in my head, hammering at every emotion I’ve felt in the last twenty-four hours. I want to be good enough but I’m afraid of what they’ll think when they find out the truth about me.
“There’s more to you than you let us see and sometimes I don’t think you see those parts either,” she’s right, I don’t. It’s a defense mechanism though. I had to shut those parts of me down in order to survive for as long as I have. “I told you early on, I don’t sugar coat anything. Today wasn’t about a date Alice, it’s about you, as a person and a woman. You’re hiding and you keep yourself locked up so tight, I’m surprised you can breathe. Today was me trying to get you loosen up a bit. It was to remind you what it feels like to be human again. Having dinner with Hudson is the icing on top of it all. It doesn’t mean you have date him, it doesn’t mean you have to sleep with him. What it means is you need to let yourself enjoy it.”
If I didn’t already love Missy before this moment, there would be no doubt I love her now. Not after those words of encouragement. She doesn’t treat me like a fragile piece of glass. She knows the shit in my life was dark but it didn’t stop her and I appreciate it. Patting the seat next to her, she motions for me to sit.
“There is nothing wrong with being a private person. My brother is a good example of the wrong kind of private though. Getting him to talk about anything is worse than pulling teeth from a feral cat. With you he’s different,” she pauses and takes a deep breath. I reach for her hand, squeezing it to tell her I understood what she meant. “There’s something I want to tell you about, things from before Hudson went dark. Things I can talk about because it’s part of my story too. Has he told you anything at all about our parents?”
I shake my head. He hasn’t. Missy reaches for her purse. Slipping her hand in she pulls out a picture for me to see. The picture has five smiling faces, two of which I recognize as their parents. Each sibling has a resemblance to either one. Hudson looks like his father, Missy like her mother and Ten is a mixture of both.
“Our parents were in a head on collision with a drunk driver. They both died on the way to the hospital, the airbags didn’t deploy. The driver walked away without a scratch,” she takes a deep shuddering breath. I’m know this is a difficult subject for her to talk about. “I was barely eighteen, Hudson was fourteen and Tennessee was eleven. We didn’t have much in the way of family. The boys were placed in a foster home while I filed for guardianship. It took a year before I was granted custody of them.”
Her brown eyes glistens with tears, my heart aches for her. Their parents must have meant a lot to them, they look so happy in the photo. I lace my fingers with hers, giving my silent support.
“The courts gave me so much shit that first year and I struggled to make everything right. I worked two jobs but it wasn’t enough. The boys wanted to sell the house, find something more suited to our budget,” her voices wavers and she looks down at our hands. “We were drowning. The mortgage, the upkeep and various bills, it was too much for the meager pay I brought home. As much as I didn’t want to, selling the house was our only option. I set aside a substantial amount for the boys’ college funds and I cut back on my hours to be home more often with them. The boys had another plan for the money though. Since I was the one supporting them, they thought it would be better if I had a job that was more career-oriented. They wanted me to go to school, so I enrolled in a technical school for nursing. Hudson was sixteen and looking for an after school job to help out since I’d have to let one of my jobs go to accommodate a class schedule.”
I sigh, wishing I knew this kind of dedication in my life. The love and support they have each other through such a difficult time in their lives was inspiring. Maybe if my parents had given me siblings I wouldn’t have had such a lonely childhood.
“It was shortly after this period in our lives that everything changed for Hudson. Crystal walked into his life,” she drags in a breath and her body tenses. I could tell she didn’t like Crystal at all. In fact I was sure there were many people in their lives who had the same regard for her. I want to push, to ask Missy more but it’s not her place to tell me this story. Missy shakes her head and looks at me from the corner of her eye. She laughs nervously. “What you must think of me telling you sad things when this is a day of celebrations and beauty.”
I reach for the pad of paper I carried around today, letting go of her hand to write.
I think you’re courageous, giving up your life to take care of your brothers. There aren’t many in the world that would be so selfless. The support you gave each other...I wish I had known that.
She laughs nervously again and refuses to meet my gaze.
“I did what I had to do, for my family,” she sounds far away again. Thinking about it isn’t easy for her. “You do have support Alice. You just have to accept it.”
My breath catches in my chest as she finally looks at me. She means it too.
“Now, are you going to buy this gorgeous dress, or are you going to trying on more?”
I stand on shaky legs, moving towards the dressing room. This was the dress, no doubt. I feel like a woman in it and if that is the point of this shopping expedition then we’ve met our goal. I drag in a breath and turn back to her. I want to say the words, in fact, I almost do. I never felt this close to anyone in my life before. Not until now, with Missy. When I look at her, she isn’t just Hudson’s sister anymore. She’s my friend, probably the first real friend I’ve ever had.
“Thank you Alice, for listening. I haven’t talk about them in a long time,” she stands and puts her arms around me, hugging me tight. She gives me a lighter laugh, her nervousness gone. “I don’t know who benefitted more from this day, you or me. It’s nice having a woman around to do girlie things with. You can’t imagine what my life is like with so many alphas around.”
I giggle silently, offering her a bright smile.
Chapter 14
Alice
To say I’m nervous would be an understatement. What I feet is far more than nerves and underneath it I’m excited. I’ve never been on a date.
This isn’t a date, my mind whispers but I ignore it.
I’m the kind of girl who dreamt of being courted and wooed. Erik never took me out and he definitely wasn’t the wooing type. He didn’t care what I wanted and he made it clear pretty early on if I wanted him in my life then I had to let go of a lot of my fantasies. Rather, he expected me to accommodate him and his beliefs. As the young, dumb and starved for attention girl I was, at the time I didn’t know any better.
Tonight is different though and Hudson isn’t Erik. He’s nothing like him. I’m determined to let this night be a good one, pushing aside all the negativity to enjoy it. Then I would lock the memory of it away and relive on a rainy day. I took Missy’s words to heart and I promised myself to put them to work.
The doorbell sounds, causing my heart rate to spike and my knees wobble.
“Alice, he’s here,” Missy’s calls, her voice carrying up the stairs. I swallow hard, giving myself a final once-over before leaving the safety of the guest bedroom. I descend the stairs slowly. I’m afraid my weakened legs might not hold me. I can feel his eyes on me when I reach the bottom step. I subconsciously tuck my short locks behind my ears and peek up at him, biting my lip.
My breath catches in my chest. Damn, he is gorgeous. His tousled hair, still wet from the shower went well with his scruffy face. I’m not a fan of the clean cut look on a man anyways. I don’t know what it is about the scruff but it makes me want to run my fingers across it. The subtle smell his cologne hit my nose as he steps closer, causing me to shiver from the memory of the first time he held me in his arms. He’s wearing a pair of dark denim
jeans and a black long-sleeve button up, untucked for a more casual look. His black boots complete the outfit perfectly.
“You look beautiful,” he whispers hoarsely and his voice pulls me out of my thoughts, back into the present moment. His eyes sweep the length of my body stopping on my face. He swallows hard and for a moment I’m not sure what he’s thinking. But then he winks at me.
“She looks hot,” Missy declares with a huge smile plastered to her face. She’s been saying that very thing since I put my dress on fifteen minutes ago. Strike that, she said it when I tried it on this afternoon at the store.
She was right about buying it the moment I stepped out of the dressing room. The look on her face and reaction to it sold me almost instantly. It showed more skin than I was used to but Hudson’s reaction makes it well worth it.
My hair closer to my natural chestnut brown, is styled perfectly, its new length tickling my jawbone. It made me feel prettier than I’ve ever felt and the upkeep is going to be a breeze. Missy insisted on a natural palette for my makeup, which I agreed to. I never wore a lot of makeup to begin with, even as a teenager. I didn’t like how it felt on my skin.
I found a comfortable pair of flats to go with my new dress, although Missy fought hard for the matching four inch stilettos I knew I’d never be able to walk in. The flats were more me and I needed something to remind me of who I was underneath the glamour.
“Yes, she looks hot,” Hudson agrees, a devastatingly handsome smile sets onto his face. My heart skips a beat. “Are you ready to go?”
I nod and take a step toward the door. Missy hands me my shawl, which at this point is more for props than warmth. My skin is too warm and flush for it right now. I feel on top of the world as Hudson’s eyes watch my every movement. Yes, this was going to be a good night. He offers me his arm and I take it, giving him a shy smile.
“There it is, the perfect accessory to that dress,” he whispers. His words are only meant for me to hear. “Precious, I’ve been dying all day to see your gorgeous smile.”
I can’t help the burn in my cheeks or the flutter in my belly from his compliment. I forget to remind myself what tonight is really about as we walk out the door. I’m too entranced by the magic swirling around me.
*****
Hudson
I chose to take her to one of my favorite spots. It is a bit on the fancy side but a nice change from the usual dives I haunt. During the day it had a fantastic view of the bay but at night the flicker of lights against the water is magical. I think mostly I chose this place because I knew Missy would make sure Alice got a killer dress for it and I really wanted to see Alice in a dress.
We were seated fairly quickly when we arrived, which is a bit of a relief. The awkwardness was beginning to settle in, neither of us spoke a word the entire ride here. We need to talk but I don’t want to chance ruining the night early on, so I settle into the silence and the awkwardness. I need to find the words to make this right but my brain seems to have forgotten my tongue tonight.
Fuck, I should’ve thought this through a little better.
I sit across from her in strained silence, sipping ice tea. Her eyes are staring off into the dark water beside us. At least the sound of the waves crashing against the surf keeps it from being too silent.
I really didn’t think this through.
She reaches from her purse and I tense, ready for her to flee from the night. I wouldn’t blame her. She opens it and withdraws a small pad of paper and a pen. Holy shit, she is writing. She doesn’t write anything though, just flips the pad open and hands it to me. I prepare for the ass chewing I rightly deserve.
I’m sorry, the words leave me confused and I frown.
“You’re sorry?” I say incredulously. “What do you have to be sorry about? I’m the one who acted like an ass.”
She flips the paper and smirks.
Yes, you were an ass but I’m sure this hasn’t been easy for you. I’m not exactly the perfect houseguest.
Perfect houseguest, what the fuck was she talking about?
“Alice, you’ve been amazing,” I reach for her hand but she moves it back and into her lap. Her eyes are guarded. “I’m serious. You’ve done nothing wrong.”
She flips the page again. Damn, she put some thought into this and what she wanted to say.
Hudson, I know my situation has made everything more difficult for you. You don’t know me and I’m not exactly forthcoming with information. You’ve been very kind and very patient. I want you to know I appreciate everything you’ve done for me.
My throat tightened. I didn’t know what to say. What did she think last night was about? She’s done nothing wrong!
“Please stop,” I whisper unable to say much more. She flips the page again.
Dinner was a bad idea but I wanted to say thank you for what you’ve done for me. Cooking is something I enjoy doing but haven’t been able to do in a long time. But I should’ve asked your permission first. I won’t make that mistake again.
I swallow hard. My stomach feels heavy and laden with rocks. She flips the page again.
You don’t have to apologize to me. I’m the one interrupting your life and causing havoc. Just please give me a couple of days to figure out where I’m going to go next.
“You aren’t going anywhere,” I bite harshly, too harsh but it was to hide the rush of fear spiking through my chest. She blanches. “I mean, stay. You don’t have to go. I don’t want you to go.”
She frowns and nibbles her bottom lip. Flipping the page on her notepad she picks up her pen and begins to write. The determined look across her face is strained.
“Alice, stop it, I don’t want to read that. It’s wrong. You’re wrong. This is wrong,” I throw up my hands, the room feels stuffy and hot. She looks up from her pad and puts down her pen. I flounder, needing to say the words, explain why I acted like the world’s biggest ass. The words aren’t there though. “Fuck, I don’t know how to do this.”
Her face softens and she leans forward grabbing my hand this time. Her touch feels good on my skin. I concentrate on it for a moment, running everything through my head. There is too much at stake to fuck it up now. I take a deep breath, look into her eyes and suddenly everything is clear. I care deeply for her, deeper than I’ve let myself believe.
You can’t be in love with her, my mind shouts. I try to block it out but I can’t, it keeps going. You can’t give her what she deserves. You’re going to hurt her.
I shake my head trying to clear it. It was the truth though and it doesn’t matter how much I care for her because I’m no good for her. I have to try to find a way to put space and distance between us. For her own good. Maybe if she understood the darkness buried down inside of me, maybe then she would see the damage and want nothing with me. Saving us both some heartache. I let go of her hand and reach for my scotch, liquid courage never sounded so good.
Here goes nothing.
Chapter 15
Hudson
“Three years ago, I lost my best friend during a roadside bombing,” I stare down at the contents in my glass remembering the moment. “We were doing a routine patrol when an IED went off. Two of our team, Tango and Frankie were killed in the blast. The rest of us scrambled to find cover, in case of an ambush. Sneak was pinned under the cab of one of the humvees, alive but pretty out of it. We managed to lift the vehicle off of him but he couldn’t feel his legs. We had to drag him and as we were pulling him away from the wreckage, the shooting began. We were heavily under fire, outnumbered and surrounded. Charlie was hit in the leg, Kingston in the shoulder and Preacher, he took one to the chest pushing Bear out of the line of fire.”
I can’t bring myself to look her, to see the pity on her face. I’m struggling to say the words, to tell her the next part. I’ve never talked about that day. I’m pretty sure none of the guys have but with Alice and her silence, it was easy.
“Preacher, my best friend, my brother, was the kind of man I aspired to be and he d
ied in my arms. His last words weren’t for his family, they were for me. He looked at me, his eyes filled with fear and said the words choking on his own blood,” I wipe at the tears falling from my eyes and take a deep breath, trying to suppress the rising nausea. No one but my brother’s knew what he said and I sure as hell wasn’t going to tell Preacher’s wife, Charlotte, his words weren't meant for her and their three children. I was too afraid of hurting her anymore than she already was. She should have been his last thought, not me. The anguish of the memory is heavy in my chest but Alice squeezes my hand urging me on. “Don’t be afraid to live brother. She’ll be worth it...those were the last words he spoke. He should’ve been worried for his family, not me. The fear in his eyes, it was for me. He wasted it on me.”
I finally get the courage to look up at her and I’m surprised by what I see. There’s no pity. No sadness. No empathy. Her face is impassive but her eyes reflected of the torture I feel inside. I see myself staring back at me in their depths and I realize she’s no stranger to the darkness.
The darkness that fills us might be there for different reasons but it tortures us the same. I realize if anyone in the world could understand the self hatred and disgust I feel for myself, it would be her. I shudder to think of what put the darkness in her.
“I think I finally realized why I’m so drawn to you,” I say with a shaky voice. Her eyebrows lift with interest. “The darkness, it haunts us both. I can see it in your eyes.”
She looks down at our clasped hands and I know she understands. It’s hard thing to admit, having something like this buried deep inside. Most people don’t understand what it means and if you’re lucky enough to find someone who does know, they don’t talk about it either.
Lost in Silence (The Lost Series Book 1) Page 12
