He had to look away from her. God, she was beautiful tonight, her auburn hair brushed out over her shoulders. He had not expected to find her standing there on the balcony with her nipples showing through the pretty gown she wore. He thought she would be asleep, behind closed doors. He wished he could forget the sweet taste of her mouth, her breasts, her smooth young skin. Was he fooling himself to think he had not wanted to find her awake, that he wasn’t hoping maybe he would end up right here in her room?
She had drawn him here just as surely as if she had come to find him and put a rope around him. She had drawn him by the mere fact that she existed and was here in his house. When he looked at her, he saw youth and life, and today he liked seeing those things. He felt a terrible need tonight to experience life, to cast away the pall of death that hung over this house he loved so much. That need was fast manifesting itself in the form of Audra Brennan.
Get the hell out of here, he warned himself. He ignored the warning. He needed desperately to talk to someone, and Audra was so easy to be with, as long as they weren’t talking about slavery or states’ rights. He walked over to a chest of drawers and touched one of the ceramic knobs. “My mother refinished this when I was little. I remember watching her. There were so many things she liked to do.” He sighed deeply. “Ever since her death…” He ran a hand through his hair. “Actually, it started the day I left here after you and I argued about war coming and all…Ever since then, I have felt a change coming about, Audra, something dark and forboding…something I can’t even name. I see now that nothing stays the same. My mother’s dying is like ending a certain part of my life. It’s as though God took her away so that she wouldn’t have to be here to see what is going to happen next.” He turned to face her, looking grim. “Maybe none of us should see it.”
Audra put a hand to her stomach at the somber words that frightened her a little. “I don’t understand—”
“Neither do I.” He laughed bitterly. “But it’s there all the same, like some evil monster lurking in the shadows, ready to pounce on us.” He saw the fear in her lovely eyes, and he shook his head. “I’m sorry to sound like a doomsayer. I guess it’s just the aftereffects of burying my mother today, combined with things that are going on all over the country.”
He put his hands on his hips, looking around the room that had always been his until this summer. He could remember jumping on the bed as a little boy, could hear his mother scolding him for it. Even in anger, his mother always spoke softly and calmly. “Maple Shadows will never be the same without her, Audra. I may not even come back here next summer. She was the center around which we all moved and behaved. She held my family together. Now we’ll all go our separate ways, and it tears at me inside.”
He began pacing restlessly. “At the same time, I feel the whole damn country coming apart. The government is passing more and more laws to stop slavery, while at the same time the state of Georgia is passing laws to preserve slavery. Up here we’re screaming about abolition, while our own factory workers are calling strikes, trying to get better working conditions and better pay. The country is falling apart; and at the same time my personal life is falling apart, too. My mother is dead, and my family, this place I love, will never be the same. Never.”
His hands closed into fists. “All she wanted was for all of us to come here together. She wanted it so much, but we were all too stubborn…and my damn father…” He closed his eyes. “I should have swallowed my pride and made it a point to come here when the rest of them came.”
“What is it about your father you aren’t telling me?”
“It doesn’t matter now. What’s done is done.” He came closer, his broad shoulders and big frame towering over her, and again she was painfully aware of his maleness, the bare skin of his torso, the dark hair on his chest that drew her eyes downward to that part of a man that she did not fully understand. She had seen Joey when he was little, knew that a man was different from a woman, that it all had to do with the mysteries of a man and woman “lying” together.
She averted her gaze, looking down at the floor and feeling a heat move through her at his closeness. An ache formed deep in her body when he reached out and touched her hair.
“I haven’t stopped loving you, Audra,” he told her in a near whisper, “in case you’re wondering. But I know I can never have you, that it can never, never work in a million years; and that just adds to my frustrations.”
She felt his power, sensed an odd danger, yet she was not afraid. “I have to go back to Louisiana, Lee. I have no choice.” She raised her eyes then to meet his. “Please come with me.”
He shook his head, his eyes tearing. “I can’t. You know I can’t. We would end up hating each other. I’ve had enough of love turning to hate right in my own family. Oh, I have contact with my father and brothers. I even work for my father’s senatorial campaign because I believe in the same things he does when it comes to politics; but the hard feelings are there just under the surface. We just don’t talk about them anymore. Mother brought some sense to it all, kept the spark of love and family unity alive. Without her…”
Their eyes held, and in the next moment he grasped the front of her robe and pulled it open. “I want to look at you,” he said softly, “remember you always. I want to feel alive tonight, to drink deeply of life and forget about what is happening to this country. I want to pretend you and I can be together.”
Never in her life had Audra felt literally possessed by some unnamed spirit. She did not stop him from untying the robe and letting it fall to the floor. The same unfamiliar desire she had felt on the beach, to let him ravish her however he chose, returned to take away all common sense. “We can be together, Lee…tonight,” she answered, wondering where she had gotten the courage to say the words. “Maybe we owe it to each other…to our love. No matter what happens after I go back home, my heart will never belong to anyone but you.”
His hand began to tremble as he touched her cheek with the back of his fingers. “You truly don’t know what you’re offering, Audra. You would hate me tomorrow.”
She closed her eyes. Why was it suddenly all so easy; why did it seem so right? She wanted desperately to hold him, and even in her innocence, instinct told her that once she was in his arms, there would be no stopping what would happen next. Was it something terribly sinful, this secret that took place between man and woman? Her cousin Eleanor had seemed to know what it was all about.
Men can do the naughtiest and most wonderful things, she had whispered to Audra once. Mother thinks a woman has to wait until she is married, but I don’t see why. And I swear there are some old married women who never learned to enjoy it. I can’t imagine why, unless their husbands are simply terrible lovers. Eleanor had never bothered to explain what “it” was that some women never learned to enjoy, and she seemed to glory in the fact that she apparently knew more about “it” than Audra.
Audra wondered if “it” was the magical way she felt right now, the ache to taste Lee’s lips again, the burning desire to have him touch her again, taste at her breasts as he had done that night on the beach. Whatever came after that, she wanted to share with Lee Jeffreys, not Richard Potter.
Part of her, the part that had become woman, wanted him because she truly loved him. Another part of her, the part that was still an innocent child, wanted him out of mere curiosity. She took hold of his hand, turned the palm to kiss it. She leaned closer, daringly resting her head against his chest, enjoying the feel of his skin against her face. He was hot to the touch.
“If we can’t have forever, Lee, then let’s steal tonight. I want to lie in your arms. We are each suffering our own grief, and we need to be touched, to know there is still life and love.”
She looked up at him, and Lee searched the eyes that were wide with wonder and innocence. He knew full well he might hate himself tomorrow if he accepted her comfort tonight. All reason told him to leave, but instead he met her mouth savagely, and she flung her arms around
his neck in youthful, fiery passion. That was all it took to be lost in her, to ignore all the wrong of it. The life had gone out of his mother in a few quick seconds. The line between death and feeling this alive was so terribly thin, and he wanted to stay on this side of it.
He left her mouth and bent down to taste her sweet neck.
“Oh, Lee, I love you so,” she whimpered.
“Hush,” he whispered. “We have to be quiet, if that’s possible.” He picked her up in his arms and carried her to the bed, laying her gently on it.
Audra watched him walk to the door and make sure it was locked. He did the same with the French doors. She felt as limp as the sheets on which she lay. Lee Jeffreys was going to make love to her. And how could it be sinful when she loved him so? Reason told her this was all they could ever have, but better this than nothing at all. She would want no other man to be the first one to show her what it meant to lie together.
He walked back to the bed and unbuckled his belt. He dropped his pants to the floor and stepped out of them. His knee-length long johns fit his hips and thighs tightly, and she wondered how much bigger a man was than a little boy. Again she wondered why she wasn’t afraid. She moved her eyes to meet Lee’s as he climbed onto the bed and knelt above her. Gently he ran a hand under the shoulder of her gown and drew it down, and fire ripped through her. Like that night on the beach, she was suddenly keenly aware of her breasts and nipples. She could feel her nipples tingle, felt a near-painful yearning for him to touch and taste them when he drew the gown to her waist. Without question, she pulled her arms out of the sleeves and reached up, weaving her fingers into his hair and urging him closer.
“I want you to taste them again,” she said softly. “I like how it feels.”
Lee watched the fascination and curiosity in her eyes. How could he let any other man be the first to do this? Maybe that man wouldn’t be as gentle. It had to be just right, this first time. He didn’t want to frighten her. He looked at her full, firm breasts, then leaned down and took one into his mouth, sucking on it as though it were a ripe berry.
She groaned, arching against him, pulling at his hair. He took more of the breast into his mouth, unable to hold back his own groan of ecstasy. There was no turning back now. Right or wrong, he had to have her. He flattened his tongue against the nipple, then circled it lightly, noticing how her breathing quickened. Since this was her first time, it was important to build her desire, to make her want him so badly she had no reservations at all.
Audra wondered who this woman was lying in bed with this Yankee man and letting him do these terrible, glorious things to her. He pressed his lips to her other breast, tasting it with pleasure. She moved her hands to his shoulders, wanting to feel the hard muscle of the man, relishing the feel of power and virility about him. He awakened in her something wicked and insatiable, and she had no desire to stop him when his lips moved downward as he pulled her gown farther away. He circled her navel with his tongue, lowered the gown even farther.
She drew in her breath in near-agonizing ecstasy when he kissed at her most private place. Then the gown was down to her knees and he was kissing at her thighs, telling her how slender and satiny and beautiful they were. Off came the gown, and he was kissing her legs, her feet, her toes, moving back up again, running his hands over her legs, her thighs. There was a demanding strength in those hands when he grasped her knees and forced her legs apart; but had it really been force? She wanted to open them, wanted Lee Jeffreys to drink in her nakedness.
Now it seemed she was the one with the power. His eyes were glazed with desire, and he seemed nearly to tremble as he moved his hands back and forth over the insides of her thighs. Her breath came in short gasps when he gently moved his thumbs to open that private place no man had ever seen or touched. Even she didn’t know what mysteries lay there.
“My God, I’ve never seen a woman this beautiful,” he told her.
She grasped his powerful forearms. “Lee…” It was all she could bring herself to say. Part of her felt she should press her legs together and push him away, but the curious, aching, wicked part of her let her lie there to be raked by his melting blue eyes. He leaned closer, and she gasped when his tongue touched her intimately, made her ache fiercely. She felt as though she were on fire, wondering where this brazen lust had come from. Never had she realized she had it in her to be this bold and wanton.
She twisted his hair in her fingers, pushed herself against him, succumbing to a great desire to give Lee all he asked and more. Oh, yes, Eleanor was right. Men could do such wicked and wonderful things to a woman, but it had to be just the right man. It had to be a man she loved with great passion the way she loved Lee. She had to have this desire to comfort and please him. What a wonderful way to show love!
For several glorious minutes he took her to the heights of ecstasy, then moved his lips to kiss her belly while continuing to toy with that magical, intimate place with his thumb, and moving a finger inside of her. For a moment she thought perhaps her breath had completely left her. Her heart pounded wildly as he explored, building a fire that raged deep in her belly until she cried out with the ecstasy of her first climax.
He left her for a moment then, and she felt removed from herself as she watched him discard his underwear. Finally she saw him, naked and beautiful, and instinctively she knew how he would join his body to hers. He moved back onto the bed, and knelt over her. She met his eyes. “Will it hurt?” she whispered.
He leaned down to rest his elbows on either side of her shoulders. “Yes. But only at first.” He kissed her hungrily, and she felt him probing at her belly, moving between her thighs. She felt him enter her then, just a little at first. He grasped her hips, and then came the pain. She pulled a pillow over her mouth to stifle her cries. He grasped her bottom firmly and was moving in a quick rhythm now, thrusting deep, filling her impossibly deep. The pain burned at her insides, but somehow she knew that he could not stop even if she were to scream and beg. His face was flushed with ecstasy, and his eyes had a wild look to them.
In moments her pain lessened, and soon she found herself moving to meet his thrusts. He bent closer then, meeting her mouth in a hot, savage kiss, thrusting his tongue deep as though to fill as many parts of her as he could. She felt a surging then deep in her belly, and Lee groaned her name over and over as his life spilled into her.
“Audra, my Audra,” he whispered, holding her tightly in his arms. “I love you.” His broad chest pressed against her breasts, their skin damp with perspiration. “There are so many ways to enjoy it,” he said softly. “Let me stay here with you. I’ll show you all the ways. Tonight we will share what it means to be alive. We will laugh in the face of death, and we will forget about all the reasons why we can’t be together.”
Before she could answer, he met her mouth again, claiming it hungrily. She moved her own tongue to meet his, ran her hands over his hard body, into his thick, dark hair. Yes, she would let him stay. Already she could feel him swelling inside her again, and she wanted him to be there. They had tonight, and no matter what lay in the future, nothing and no one could take this away from them.
8
A shaft of morning sun filtered through an opening in the curtains at Audra’s bedroom window. Its brightness woke her, and she squinted as she stretched. For a moment her mind was blank, until the sudden memory of the night before startled her fully awake.
She sat bolt upright. “Lee,” she whispered, realizing he was gone. In total disbelief that she could have done what she thought she had done last night, she stared wide-eyed at her rumpled bed, and she only then realized when she looked down at herself that she was still naked. Her robe lay on the floor where Lee had first let it drop, her gown lay half-on and half-off the bed; and a dull ache between her thighs sealed the memory. It had not been a dream.
There came a knock at the door then, and Toosie called to her, asking why the door was locked. Audra realized Lee must have left the way he came, through the F
rench doors. When had he gone, and what must he think of her this morning? Part of her was elated and bursting with love, but another part warned her not to get too excited. Had he just used her in his grief? Both of them had understood that last night was all they could ever really have. Had he agreed only to take his pleasure, or had he been sincere about loving her?
“Just a minute!” She got up and quickly pulled on her nightgown before opening the door. This was all so new to her. How did she look? Would Toosie know? What did Toosie know about these things, anyway? When she opened the door, Toosie immediately looked surprised and concerned.
“Miss Audra, are you sick? Your hair is a terrible tumble as though you’ve tossed all night.” She glanced at the bed. Almost at the same time, Audra did, too, and both of them saw the spots of blood on the sheets. Toosie’s eyes widened and she looked back at Audra. “Is it your time, Miss Audra? I thought only a few days ago—”
“Hush, Toosie!” Audra quickly pulled her inside and closed the door. “No questions. Just draw me a bath. And don’t you dare say anything to your mother or anyone else when we get back home about the blood on the sheets. Do you understand?”
Toosie studied her green eyes. Something was changed. Audra Brennan was no longer an innocent. She knew the signs. After all, she had had her own tumbles with Elijah before he was sold; and she had changed Master Brennan’s bedclothes many times after her mother had spent the night with him. That was the only innocence left about Audra. She thought her father was such a saint. “I understand,” she answered, concerned for Audra’s state, both physically and emotionally. She had no doubt Lee Jeffreys had been in Audra’s bed last night. “Are you all right?”
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