Their eyes held, and she managed a weak smile. He returned a bitter smile of his own. “If this is ever over…” he muttered. He walked out and closed the door behind him.
Audra rose and walked over to hook the door from the inside, then moved to a window, opening a shutter just enough to see him ride off and quickly disappear into the darkness. In the distance the sky was alight with a dozen fires.
25
Audra slept restlessly, jerking awake with nightmares. She could still feel men pulling at her clothes, hear them laughing. She saw dead bodies lying riddled with bullet holes. Fire surrounded her. Those visions were mixed into the nightmare of her aunt screaming at her. She could see the spit of flame at the end of the pistol barrel when the woman fired at her. The shooting pain that kept stabbing at her upper back only added to her inability to sleep soundly, and each time she stirred awake again, it took her a moment to gather her thoughts in the dark, warm room and remember where she was.
Lee. What if he didn’t come back? Where was she to go? How could she get herself safely back to Brennan Manor? She didn’t even have a decent dress to put on, and her Aunt Janine was apparently not going to let her back into the house to get her things.
What an ugly turn of events. She was not sure how many hours she lay there, trying to sleep, before she finally got up and felt her way back to the window. When she looked out, she could see the glow of lingering fires in the distance, but she heard little in the way of gunfire now. The shelling from the bigger guns seemed to have stopped. She decided that at least until daylight she had no choice but to stay here as Lee had directed. She went back to the cot and lay down, breathing deeply of the scent of Lee Jeffreys on his pillow and sheets. How odd that she felt so safe in this bed where a Yankee soldier slept. She was in the center of the enemy camp, yet she was not afraid here.
She drifted off again, losing all track of time. Finally someone knocked gently on the rear door. “Audra? It’s me.”
Audra rubbed at her eyes, holding the shirt around herself as she found her way to the door. It was still dark. “Lee?”
“Let me in. The worst is over.”
She unlocked the door, and he came inside. “Light the lamp.”
Audra obeyed, and Lee turned and latched the door again. Audra looked at him, seeing blood on his right arm. “You’re hurt!”
“Nothing drastic. I told my commander I’d tend to it myself. He doesn’t know you’re in here, and I don’t want him to know just yet.” He threw a bundle of clothes on the small table on which the lamp was sitting. “I looted those out of a clothing store like a common thief. I don’t know your size. I just took a guess. You’ve got to have something to wear when you leave here.”
Audra touched the bundle, thinking how war could make looters out of men like Lee, who had been a respected, wealthy attorney before all this started. More contrasts. More hideous absurdities the war had created.
Lee removed his jacket and boots, then began unbuttoning his shirt. “It’s a madhouse out there. Most of the men have chased the rebels back into the countryside, and they’re looting through town like crazy men. It’s practically impossible to keep any of these men in line. They aren’t regular army, just civilian volunteers, for the most part, come here to teach the rebels a lesson. They don’t know a damn thing about real military conduct or how to obey orders.” He glanced at her. “I still intend to have the bastards who attacked you whipped. How do you feel?”
She sat back down on the cot, suddenly self-conscious now that she was more rested. She had removed her shoes and stockings and wore only the shirt and her bloomers. “Just terribly tired and…I don’t know…numb, I guess. It’s all so ugly and unreal.”
“That’s war, Audra, ugly and unreal. You asked me once what it’s like. Now you know.” He peeled off his bloodstained shirt, and Audra found herself studying his muscular arms and the familiar broad chest, the dark hair that lightly dusted that chest and led downward in a V shape past the belt of his pants. He walked to the stand that still held a bowl of water and he poured some fresh water into it, then wet a rag and held it to the cut on his arm, which was already scabbing over. “Some rebel tried to stab me with his bayonet. Missed what he was aiming for by a long shot, but he didn’t miss me all together, obviously.”
“Let me help you.”
“Don’t worry about it. It isn’t bleeding anymore.” He washed his face and neck, dried off, then picked up a flask of whiskey. He opened it and poured some over the cut, grimacing at the sting of it. Then he swallowed some of the whiskey straight from the flask. He lowered the bottle, studying her for a moment. “I’ve been hitting this stuff pretty hard for a long time…ever since I said good-bye to you at Maple Shadows, in fact.” He took one more swallow, his eyes never leaving hers for a moment. “They say whiskey is supposed to help ease pain,” he said then. “It does, but only physical pain. It doesn’t do a damn thing for the pain in a man’s heart.”
She looked away. “Lee, don’t—”
“Why not? In a couple of days you’ll go back to Brennan Manor, and I’ll go on with what I have to do, because I’m bound to do it and it isn’t in me to be a deserter, no matter the reason. You have to stay near home because it’s the only way you’re going to know what happened to Joey, and you’ll want to be there when he comes home, God willing. Who knows what will happen when all this is over? In the meantime I’ve found you again, and I need to tell you I love you, Audra. I never stopped loving you and I probably never will.”
She just stared at her lap. He seemed a little angry, very determined. His attitude reminded her of that night after he buried his mother. He’d had a little whiskey then, too, and he was thinking about the reality of death and how quickly it could come, how every moment was precious and had to be taken advantage of. But why was he saying this now, when it was impossible for them to be together? Everything had changed. They were not the same people as they’d been that summer at Maple Shadows, and besides that, it was wrong to be sitting here half-undressed in front of the man she’d slept with while married to someone else, wasn’t it? It was wrong to care this much about a Yankee. All of this was wrong, but then, what was right anymore?
She heard him set the flask down on the table. “This might really be it, Audra; the end for you and me. But we have tonight.”
She met his eyes, her own full of tears. “Why is it always that way for us? It was like that at Maple Shadows, and that one night you came to visit. All we ever have is one night, Lee, never knowing what will come tomorrow. I can’t do that again. It hurts too much, and it’s wrong.”
He stood up and removed his belt, unbuttoned his pants, and took them off. Audra looked away. “Please take me somewhere, Lee, anywhere away from here.”
He came over to kneel in front of her, grasping her wrists. “There is no place to take you, not tonight. And it’s not wrong, Audra. It was never wrong, and you know it. And this time it isn’t just tonight. When this is over, I’m coming back, and we’re going to be together, do you hear me? I’m not going to live like this the rest of my life. I want you, Audra, and, dammit you want me! We’ve both known it since that first day you came here to see me, widow or not! Maybe this is the last chance we’ll have to be together, but as God is my witness, if I don’t get killed or so badly wounded that I can’t come to you, I’ll be back to find you, and we’re going to put this war behind us!”
She looked at him pleadingly. “That’s impossible now,” she said in a near whisper.
“That isn’t true. You just don’t want to believe that it’s possible, because it makes you feel like a traitor.” He leaned closer. “Well then, I’m a traitor, too! Because while my men are out there chasing and killing rebels, I’ll be in here making love to one!”
Why couldn’t she object, argue, remember why she should say no? Why was she never able to resist this man she should have hated? Wasn’t he indirectly responsible for just about every bad thing that had happened to her?
>
“I never said anything about making love,” she whispered.
He searched her green eyes, eyes that had told him all along how much she wanted him again. “You didn’t have to,” he answered. He leaned closer, and his lips were suddenly tasting her own. Oh, how sweet and delicious his kiss was. How long had it been since a man kissed her this way, his lips warm and inviting and sweet? His tongue slaked into her mouth, and she whimpered with the ecstasy of it. It had been such a long time since she truly wanted to give herself to a man and take pleasure from him in return. Surely this was the way it was supposed to be, enjoying sex because she loved the man with every ounce of passion and devotion she was capable of feeling. She needed this more than anything right now, and she gloried in reawakened passions and womanly desires she had refused to acknowledge for more than two years.
She wrapped her arms around his neck, and the kiss grew deep and wild, both of them groaning with need, both of them forgetting their bruises and pain, all so easily ignored for this great need to love and make love, to relieve another kind of pain, one that burned hot as fire deep in their souls and seared through their loins like white lightning. She wanted to object when he pulled her arms away then and opened the shirt she wore, slipping it off her completely, but all she could do was whimper his name. Just like that first night he took her at Maple Shadows, he was in complete command of her, body and soul. His eyes raked her breasts, and his breathing quickened.
“My God, you’re still so beautiful,” he groaned.
He told her to stand, and she blindly obeyed, letting him jerk her bloomers down to her ankles. She stepped out of them, and he remained on his knees, leaning close to kiss softly but hungrily at that private place that had truly always belonged only to Lee Jeffreys. She grasped at his thick hair and pressed herself against him, shivering at the glory of it.
“Audra, my sweet Audra,” he muttered, his lips moving over her belly then, and higher, taking a soft, pink nipple into his mouth. He gently laid her back on the cot, which was hardly big enough for one person, let alone two. Tonight it didn’t matter. Two people this desperate could make do, and Lee Jeffreys intended to be on top of her most of the night, not beside her.
Was this so wrong? She simply could not find the strength to stop him, and she knew she didn’t really want to. She groaned as he tasted her breasts, as though he was literally hungry for her. There was no waiting this first time, no putting off the inevitable. Somehow he had gotten off his long johns, and she’d wrapped her legs around his waist. He found her mouth again, kissing her savagely between words.
“I have to have you, Audra,” he groaned. “I have to be inside you again or go crazy, but I don’t want to hurt you or frighten you like he did.”
“It could never be like that with you,” she whispered, realizing he was talking about Richard. She gasped then when he pushed himself inside her with one hard thrust. He buried himself deep, and she welcomed the hot hardness that made her feel more alive and in love than she had imagined possible. Their lovemaking when he had visited her two years ago had been quiet and powerful, but this was different. This was total wanton desire, mingled with a love so strong and demanding that there was no stopping it.
Lee moved in wild rhythm, groaning her name, thrusting his tongue deep at the same time, totally reclaiming the woman who he had always felt belonged to him in the first place. He felt as though he could not get enough of her, could not love her deep enough, claim her thoroughly enough. It had been so long since he had been with any woman at all, and to finally lie with Audra was the most glorious thing he had experienced since that first time he took her at Maple Shadows. He had not intended to do this, but after bringing her here earlier, helping her undress, remembering how it had felt to make love to her, she had haunted him after he left again. Knowing she was here had made him ache with the need of her, and he was almost glad for his arm wound. It had given him an excuse to come back, and no one ever needed to know the truth. She was as beautiful as ever, sweet and tight and soft and willing, and his want of her was so intense that his life spilled into her sooner than he would have liked.
He shivered, raising up and kissing her eyes, then bending down to taste her breasts again. God, how he hated the thought of Richard Potter groveling over her, forcing her to do hideous things, pretending he owned her. Audra Brennan would never belong to anyone but Lee Jeffreys.
“I’m sorry,” he told her, wishing he could have made it last longer. “Stay until sunrise, Audra. It’s only two o’clock in the morning, and no one knows you’re here. I want you in my arms for as long as I can have you.”
A tear slipped out of her eye and down her cheek. “You know I’ll stay. It will be like that first time, at Maple Shadows. It’s just like you said. We both knew that first day I came here to see you that we would end up lovers again.”
He pulled her close. “I’m sorry it always has to be this way. One night full of promises, never knowing when or if we’ll see each other again.” She could feel his tears on her neck.
“I’m sorry, too, Lee, my love, my enemy…my friend. I don’t even know what you are anymore.” She sniffed back more tears. “I only know that when I lie with you, beneath you, I forget everything else, all the things that draw us apart.”
They clung together for several quiet minutes, until Lee finally pulled away and sat up. “Look at us, and me a colonel in the United States Army.” He wiped at his eyes, and she smiled at how tender and vulnerable he could be.
Lee rose and poured some fresh water into a deeper pan for her. “You can wash with this one. I just wish we were someplace where we could sit in a nice, hot tub together.” He walked to the door and threw out the other pan of water, refilling it for himself. “I must smell like perspiration,” he commented, handing her a bar of lye soap. “Here.”
“You smell wonderful,” she answered, first washing her face with the damp rag. “You’re one of those men who always smells good, even when he needs a bath,” she drawled.
Lee smiled and washed himself, while Audra did the same. He turned to see her standing naked before him, and her eyes moved over him with a hunger that instantly reawakened his desire. It had been so long since he had enjoyed such pleasure.
Audra knelt in front of him, touched him gently. She stroked that part of him that had been so ugly on Richard, but was beautiful on this man. His magnificent shaft grew hard and hot again as she caressed him. He groaned her name and she gently pressed the velvety softness against her cheek, then moved her lips to kiss the scar on his left thigh, glad he had not been one of those who had lost a leg to this hideous war; but if he had, she knew she could still have loved him.
She moved back then to that most intimate part of the man, kissed and caressed him until he took hold of her arms then and drew her to her feet.
“I want it to last longer this time,” he warned, a teasing look in his eyes. “You aren’t helping me any.” She smiled wickedly, and Lee thought how this Audra was a full, lusty woman who knew what she wanted, not the timid young thing he had first made love to a lifetime ago. He captured her mouth again, and she reached around his neck, returning his kiss with a hot passion that made him wonder who was the aggressor this time. Their lips never parted as he laid her back on the cot and moved inside her again, more slowly this time, hoping he had not hurt her back that first time. She had not complained, and he supposed that like the pain in his own leg and arm, she had forgotten it in the midst of her need to be one with him again.
He raised up to drink in her naked beauty while he grasped her hips and drove himself deep, imagining that somehow he could touch her very soul. He invaded her with rhythmic thrusts, enjoying the look of utter pleasure on her face as she arched up to him in total abandon.
Audra in turn allowed herself to enjoy how beautiful the act of love could be when it was with the right man. In spite of having been with Richard, she felt as if she had not been intimate with a man at all since Lee visited two years
ago. When she had lain with Richard, it had been as though she were a total stranger to herself, but with Lee this was real and right and the most beautiful thing she had ever done. She ran her hands along his powerful arms, over his chest, shivering with the ecstasy of being Lee Jeffreys’s woman again for at least this little while.
Both of them knew they were facing another good-bye, and this one would be more painful than the others. Outside this room they were enemies, but here, in each other’s arms, they could be lovers again. She had never believed he was just using her for his own pleasure. The love in those blue eyes was too apparent, and he had cried real tears, right along with her. No one outside this room would understand what they were doing, how they felt about each other; and no one needed to know.
For four hours they made love, sometimes almost violently, other times just a sweet, gentle, rhythmic joining of bodies. Fulfilling long-neglected needs, man and woman joyfully giving each other pleasure. They gladly forgot the ugly war just outside the door. Each was risking everything—reputation and respect—for one night together, Yankee and rebel, enemies and lovers.
There was no sleep for either of them, except for a little while just before dawn. Audra had the nightmare again, and Lee held her close. She snuggled against his shoulder, lying half on top of him because of the size of the cot. “How will I go on without you after today?” she whispered.
“No easier than my having to leave here and go finish this war without you.” He kissed her hair. “I’ll go crazy worrying about you, Audra. I’d like to find a way to send you north.”
“Where would I stay? I wouldn’t be happy there, not while this is going on. And I’d never know about Joey. My father’s health is poor. I can’t leave him, either, not the way things are now. Lena has had a stroke. Toosie went to be with her, and I have to go, too. I can’t desert Brennan Manor now, Lee, or leave without knowing what happened to Joey.”
Tender Betrayal Page 35
