“I know.” He gently stroked her hair. “I’ll come back, Audra. I swear it. It will all be different when the war is over. We’ll find a way to just be ourselves, to be together. Where we live will depend on what has happened here, what has happened to Brennan Manor, how things are with my brother in New York. I’ll have to start over myself somewhere.”
“Those are decisions we can’t make right now.” The sun was coming up, and Audra heard a bird twitter outside, a stark contrast to the cannon and shooting and screaming of the night before; but the sound was overcome then by louder noises, someone shouting an order, a wagon clattering by. Lee sighed and got up from the cot.
“I’d better get washed and dressed and get out there to see what’s going on. I don’t want anybody to know you’re here. You get cleaned up after I leave and put those clothes on I got for you. Go out the back door and make sure nobody sees you, then come around to the front of the building and make like you’re just coming in. Tell me you’ve come to find protection getting yourself to Brennan Manor.” He sighed, studying the green eyes that always made him feel so helpless. “I’m sorry to have to do it this way, but it’s just as much for me as you. If my commanding officer knows I’ve slept with a Confederate woman, I’m finished.”
Audra watched him wash, drinking in the sight of him, wanting to remember…forever. He shaved and combed his hair, then put on a clean uniform, pulled on his boots and his weapons, took his hat from where it hung on a chair. He turned to look at her, hat in hand, and he gave her a sad smile.
God, he was handsome in full dress, yet there he was, now looking like the enemy again, a Yankee soldier like the others who were out there looting and destroying Baton Rouge. In the light of day, the reality of the war and all that had happened to her town, she began to wonder if it was really possible for him to come back when this was over, and for both of them to pretend this had never happened. Here she sat on the cot with a Union Army blanket wrapped around her—and she felt like a true traitor.
Lee saw the doubt in her eyes, and he came over and knelt in front of her. He kissed her eyes, her lips, this time gently. “Don’t forget my promise. Whatever happens, I’ll find you, Audra. Do you believe me?”
She watched his eyes, outlined by dark lashes and brows. His dark hair hung in disarray because of his clumsy attempt at cutting it, but he was still her handsome Lee. “I believe you,” she told him.
He walked to his torn uniform and took something from an inside pocket, showing her the folded paper. “Your song. I still carry it.”
Her eyes teared at the words, and he shoved the paper into a pocket of his clean uniform.
“I don’t know how many times I was going to tear it up or burn it and just quit thinking about you, but I never could. War or no war, I’m still crazy in love with you, Audra Brennan, and somehow we’re going to find each other again. There will be no more war, no more reasons not to be together.”
“I want so much to believe that.”
He took up a pen and dipped it into a bottle of ink on the table, then took a piece of paper from his gear and scribbled something, handed it to her. “Believe it. That is my brother Carl’s address. If you don’t hear from me after the war, write him. He can tell you what has happened to me. If I’m dead and you need help, he’ll help you—send you money, whatever you need.”
“Lee, I couldn’t—”
“Just do it, Audra, do it for me. I need to know you’ll still be all right if something happens to me. Our family has plenty of money. Carl will know it’s what I would have wanted.”
She took the paper. “I’ll keep it.”
“Good.” He leaned down and kissed her lightly. “I love you, Audra. God willing, I’ll come for you myself.” His eyes were misty, and she knew he hated all of this as much as she did. “I have to go.” He kissed her once more and left through the door that led to the main schoolroom.
Audra quickly washed herself and put on the clothes he had brought her. The camisole fit fine, but the yellow linen dress was a little big. Still, it was good enough, though wrinkled from being folded. She studied herself in the mirror, pulling her hair back and smoothing it with her fingers, as she had no brush for it. She twisted it into a bun and pinned it with the combs Lee had taken from it the night before. What time had that been? The whole night seemed like a strange dream.
She decided she looked terrible, but after last night, no one would think anything about it. She doubted there was one person in all of Baton Rouge who would look rested and well groomed this morning. It had been a horrible night for everyone. Poor Aunt Janine had apparently lost her mind, and Audra had actually felt sorry for Eleanor.
She realized that in last night’s melee she had also lost her handbag and gloves. She pulled on her socks, buttoned her shoes, then smoothed her dress before carefully opening the back door of the schoolhouse. There was nothing behind the building but an outhouse and a stand of scrubby trees. She quickly stepped out and closed the door, then headed toward the front of the building, glancing up the hill at her aunt’s home.
She drew in her breath then at what she saw. There was no house, only smoke and several tall brick chimneys. Sometime during the night her aunt and uncle’s home had burned! “Dear God!” She immediately forgot about going to see Lee. Eleanor and her aunt might need her! She began running up the hill, her heart pounding with dread, her mind reeling with guilt. While her aunt and uncle’s house was burning down, she had been sleeping with the enemy! Did Lee already know about this? After all, he had come back so late!
She ran hard, uphill all the way, and by the time she reached the mansion, she felt dizzy and nearly passed out. It did not occur to her that she had not eaten in hours, or that the traumatic events of the night before might have affected her nerves and strength. She had given no thought to anything but being with Lee, and now she had awakened to this! She ran around the house, screaming for Eleanor, for Aunt Janine. The house was still burning in some places, and the ruins were too hot to go into them to try to find any bodies. She was hardly aware of the presence of neighbors, who had come to help put out the fire, but there were so many other fires in the city that not enough people could work on any one of them.
A man grabbed her and pulled her away when she tried to climb the veranda steps, steps that led nowhere. “Come on away from there now, Mrs. Potter. Your cousin is all right. She got out and is down in town at Mary Tyler’s house. Your Aunt Janine never made it, though. We tried to get her out, but she kept screamin’ that it was her home and she wouldn’t leave it.”
No! This could not be happening! Audra did not even stop to see which neighbor had spoken to her. She tore away from him and ran back down the hill. Lee! This was his fault! Before she reached the schoolhouse, she saw him riding toward her. He called her name in a panic and rode up beside her, dismounting before his horse even came to a stop. He tried to grasp her arms, but Audra fought him.
“You knew! You knew!” she screamed at him, pounding at his chest. “All the while we were together, Aunt Janine was burning up in the fire!”
Lee shook her hard. “Stop it, Audra! I didn’t know! I just now learned myself that General Butler ordered buildings burned to give a clearer view of the countryside, give the Confederates fewer places to hide! Men are cutting trees to build barriers. A lot of prisoners were taken last night, and some have said there are a lot more Confederates out in the hills, threatening to attack again!”
“Damn you! Damn you!” she screamed, jerking away from him and turning her back. “My God, what have I done! I should have been with them. I might have been able to help save Aunt Janine!”
Lee threw his head back and cursed the war and everything about it. He wanted to touch her, hold her, but the beautiful moments they had shared the last few hours were shattered. When she hadn’t shown up at the front of the school building, he had gone outside to see the mansion smoldering, and he knew where she had gone.
“Audra, the woman would
have shot you,” he tried to reason. “There is nothing you could have done.”
Audra stood shivering, and she looked out over the city. It seemed as though everything were on fire. She went to her knees then. “Aunt Janine,” she said, sobbing.
“Let me help you, Audra. You’re going to be sick. You need food and rest.” Lee touched her shoulders, and she screamed at him to leave her alone. “Audra, don’t do this.”
“Damn, damn Yankees!” she sobbed. “How can you do this! You’re burning down our whole town!”
“Audra—”
She whirled, her face red with rage. “We were crazy to think we can be together after this war, Lee! It’s impossible! Nothing can ever, ever be the same, don’t you see? I can never be with you and feel good about it, right about it! I did a terrible thing last night, sleeping in the arms of the enemy while my aunt burned to death in her own home!”
“Audra, I never knew anything about this, and I couldn’t have stopped it if I did! You know that!”
“I only know that you’re a Yankee first! I only know men like you are shooting at Joey somewhere right now, that Brennan Manor will fall into ruin, our slaves all run off or ready to kill us! My aunt is dead, maybe my uncle, too, their home and business gone! All of Baton Rouge is burned to the ground. Yankees tried to rape me last night, and I ended up in bed with one! People have every right to call me a traitor, because I feel like one!”
Lee stepped closer. “Dammit, Audra, keep quiet, for your own sake! Let me find someone to take you to Brennan Manor.”
“No! I’ll find my own way! There are still people left in this town I can trust!”
“It’s too dangerous!”
“It doesn’t matter anymore! Just go, Lee! Go do your soldiering and your killing and your burning and looting! Go, and don’t ever come for me, do you hear? Don’t ever come for me, because it’s wrong and will always be wrong!” She tore the paper on which he had written Carl’s address from her dress pocket and threw it on the ground, then turned and ran back up the hill. Lee started after her, then grunted when a large stone hit him in the back.
He whirled to see several young boys and girls and a few adults moving in on him, all of them holding stones. “Get out, Yankee!” one of the boys hollered. “Get back to your damn camp below and leave us alone!”
Another stone was thrown, this one glancing off his right knee. The pain was excruciating. Another stone hit Lee’s horse, and the animal whinnied and backed away. Lee mounted up as more stones began to shower upon him. He had no choice but to ride back down to camp. When he got away from the angry mob, he looked back, trying to see Audra, but he could not spot the yellow dress. An ache moved through him unlike anything he had ever experienced. He felt almost as though he had just buried the woman he loved more than his own life, for he could probably get her back no more easily than if she were dead.
“Colonel!” someone shouted.
Lee turned his horse to see a lieutenant approaching on another mount. “The general is looking for you. Your brigade is moving north to rout a few thousand Confederates in the way of taking Port Hudson—says you’re to join General Sherman after that. He wants to know if you’re physically ready to move out.”
Lee looked back up the hill. How could things change so drastically and so quickly? Never had he been so tempted to say to hell with it all, but he was a colonel, and he had a duty. He had not expected to move out for a couple more weeks yet, giving him time to see Audra again, to make sure she got home all right. Now he was apparently expected to leave Baton Rouge before nightfall, and as things were, Audra Brennan Potter was not about to look at him, let alone talk to him or let him take her home.
He felt as if a sword were buried in his heart. “I’m ready,” he answered.
“Sir, the general says to hurry it up.”
Lee gave the man a scowl.
“Sorry, sir. Those are the general’s words, not mine.”
“Just tell him I’ll be there in five minutes.”
“Yes, sir.” The lieutenant rode off, and Lee sat on his horse watching the mansion a moment longer.
“I am coming back, Audra, whether you like it or not,” he muttered. He closed his eyes at the searing memory of the hours of passion they had just shared, all changed in one morning of hideous reality. The only thing that could possibly heal this rift was time…and maybe if Joey came home alive and unscathed. It seemed incredible that this much horror could result from an argument between a few men in government over the right and wrong of slavery.
He remembered General Butler telling him not long ago that the war could go on for two or three more years. Where would Audra be by then? How would he ever find her again if she had to leave Brennan Manor? Where would she go, and who would watch after her, especially if something happened to her father and Joey? Her Uncle John would certainly never take her in again.
It wasn’t fair that he was put in this position, having to chose between the woman he loved and his duty as a soldier. It seemed he had always had to make this choice, even before the war, and now it was Audra who was making the decision for him. She had told him to go and never come back, and maybe she was right this time. This was a hurt that might never go away, and she felt she had betrayed her own people. Why was it that he always seemed to find ways to make her unhappy, when all he wanted was to love her?
He rode back to the school. Behind him Baton Rouge lay in smoldering ruins, and somewhere amid those ruins was the woman he loved, alone and in danger, and he couldn’t do a damn thing about it. His orders were to head north. What if Audra did come back for his help? He would be gone, and she would think he had lied about everything, all the more reason never to forgive him.
He walked into the back room to pack up his things, not even going to General Butler first. He hesitated at the sight of Audra’s torn, bloody dress, then picked it up and hugged it close. When shouted orders outside brought him back to reality, he gathered up the dress, slips, and camisole and carried them outside, throwing them onto a fire so that no one would find a Southern woman’s clothes in a Yankee colonel’s quarters.
Part 4
Like the ghost of a dear friend dead
Is Time long past.
A tone which is now forever fled,
A hope which is now forever past,
A love so sweet it could not last,
Was Time long past…
—PERCY BYSSHE SHELLEY,
“TIME LONG PAST”
26
August 1864
“What will happen to Brennan Manor, Audra?”
Joseph Brennan reached out his hand, a movement that took great effort. Audra took hold of it, remembering a time when her father had a bull’s strength. Now his grip was weak as a child’s. He lay thin and pale against the pillow.
“Joey will come home,” she assured the man, although she had not heard from her brother in six months. “Together we’ll find a way to hang on to the farm, Father.” The last she knew, Joey was somewhere in Georgia, and oh, how she missed him. To see her brother again was the only hope left for any happiness in her life. Surely he had grown and changed immeasurably. He was nineteen now.
Lena sat on the other side of the bed, holding Joseph’s other hand in her right one. Since her stroke, her left side was weak and almost useless, although she could walk with a cane. Audra saw the agony in the woman’s eyes, and as her father had become sicker and weaker, she had begun to understand just how much Lena had loved the man. She almost never left his side, nursed him faithfully in spite of her own affliction. Audra had come to accept Lena again, and she was learning to love her and Toosie both.
Nearly all the other plantation Negroes had run off, including Sonda. Brennan Manor was becoming overgrown. No cotton had been planted or harvested for three years, and there were only a couple of Negro men left to tend to the lawn and flowers; but most of their time was spent planting and hoeing the vegetable garden behind the house. Just surviving and eating w
ere all that mattered, and Audra did not doubt that the Yankees shouldn’t have to do any more fighting. All they had to do now was sit back and wait for the entire South to starve to death.
She watched her father, whom she had long ago forgiven. The man had suffered so tragically over what was happening to Brennan Manor that she did not have the heart to give him more pain. He was still her precious father who had raised her the best he could, and who would never have pushed her into her tragic marriage if he had known what the consequences would be. There was no use in blaming him for loving Lena, for there was no room for hatred and blame when a man was dying; and Joseph Brennan was dying, slowly, quietly, just like his plantation.
“Audra, my…beautiful Audra,” he moaned. “What…will happen to…my daughter?”
“I’ll be fine, Father,” she reassured him. “Nothing is going to get the better of me. Joey will come back and we’ll at least have each other. And I still have my voice. Mrs. Jeffreys once told me I could sing in the opera, and with a little practice, I could still try.”
It didn’t seem possible that it had been five years since she took those lessons at Maple Shadows…five years since she first lay in Lee’s arms…She drew a deep breath and forced back the memory. She had meant to put Lee out of her mind and heart for good the day she saw Aunt Janine’s home burned to the ground, taking her aunt with it. She would never forgive herself or Lee for what they had done that night; nor could she forgive men like Lee for what was happening to her home, to her father, to the South. She had never told her father about that night, and she had never seen Eleanor again. As far as she knew, her cousin had gone to New Orleans to be with her husband, and if the man could hang on to what he owned, they would probably be all right; but she vowed she would never go to Eleanor for help, no matter how bad things got.
What would happen to Brennan Manor? Could she keep it going until Joey came home? Was there really anything they could do together to hang on to it? Cypress Hollow was already as good as lost. There was no money to pay the overseers. They had left, as had most of the Negroes. Jonathan Horne, the last remaining overseer at Brennan Manor, had told her that the Negroes left at Cypress Hollow were actually living in the mansion itself.
Tender Betrayal Page 36
