Land of Strength and Sorrow

by Cassandra Fear

She’d hurt him. Which she knew would happen the minute she’d said those words, but she’d said them anyway. Now, he’d never look at her the same, so even though she’d tried to stop that from happening, it happened all the same.

  Without her permission, her arms reached for him, but she dropped them before they touched him, her shoulders hanging low. Cappa was the last person she wanted to hurt. But she had, and he’d probably never forgive her.

  Recovering, he raised his chin, but backed away a few steps. “I will remember to mind my place in the future.” With a hooded look, he stared into her eyes with a regality Jovi used to practice, to try and perfect. But since it came from him, it made her want to fall through the ground to escape it.

  “Cappa, that isn’t— “

  He shrugged, and his lip twitched. “No need to explain, Princess. My role is clear now. There will be no future mistakes. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I shall get some rest before we head out. Stay close to camp and scream if trouble finds you. I won’t forget my duty as your guard.” His tone could burn lava.

  She forced a curt nod, and he walked away with his shoulders held high and his step proud. She clenched her teeth, which kept any words from shuttling out of her mouth, but as soon as he could no longer be seen, she fell to her knees. A lump swam in her throat as she held back tears. She swallowed hard, but the lump only lodged lower, never disappearing.

  This had been her first lesson. Life was never easy as Queen. There would be hurt feelings and hard decisions. She had to be prepared for that, no matter what.

  But, how could she have hurt him so badly? She’d seen his face, the shock at her words and the hurt shining from his eyes. How was she capable of that?

  Because, maybe, just maybe, King Ryan wasn’t any worse than herself. Horrible thoughts and hurting people…who had she become? She had to stop the transformation before it couldn’t be reversed.

  She’d never been this person and she hadn’t wanted to start now. Cappa had been her friend, had made her laugh and been there for her from the moment he’d arrived at the castle. In return for all of his kindness, she’d treated him as if he sat lower in the chain of command than her, when actually she regarded him at the top.

  It didn’t matter what she’d said or what he had shot back, she had to fix things between them. She had to tell him the truth, that she needed him in her life because he was important, more important than she wanted to admit.

  Her heart sang with happiness when he came around. Nervous shakes took over her. Her cheeks always seemed hot, no matter whether he’d made a joke or if they only talked about real, important things.

  She liked him. And not just liked him, but really liked him.

  The revelation floored her. How could she have fallen for a guard?

  She fell back against the tree, stretched her legs out in front of her, and let her eyes drift closed. She didn’t sleep, only rested, and thought about how she would fix everything, once and for all.

  Jovi’s eyes opened to sunlight as it streaked over her. She jerked up, and groaned as her back shouted with pain. She’d fallen asleep sitting up against the tree. How much time had passed?

  She pushed past her achy muscles and stood, stretching from side to side in an attempt to loosen up. It worked, and she high-tailed it back to camp with one thing on her mind. Cappa.

  The conversation they had the night before floated through her head, every word beating down on her. She had to find him, to fix everything. She needed to tell him the truth, that he was important to her.

  Time disappeared with every step she took, but she didn’t care, couldn’t care. Only making things right with Cappa mattered.

  The first step would be to find him, though. She pulled back the flaps of tent after tent and found warriors sleeping, their bare butts poking from under fur blankets. Heat crept into her cheeks, but she kept going, kept searching, refusing to let anything deter her, not even a man in the nude.

  When she came to the last tent and found it empty, she wanted to scream her frustrations for all to hear. Somehow, she staved off the feeling as she circled the camp from the outside. Perhaps he hadn’t slept inside, but under the twinkling stars instead.

  A female giggle drew her attention. A sinking feeling smacked her stomach and her heart froze, but she crept forward, her eyes wide as she stopped in her tracks. Her eyes landed on the source of the laughter and she stiffened. Air rushed from her lungs as if she’d fallen on her chest, every bit of wind dissipating in a swift moment.

  Cappa sat on the ground, laugh lines wrinkling his face and sparks of his happiness gleaming from his eyes. He spoke to a very pretty woman. Gorgeous, if Jovi wanted to be honest, which right now she didn’t. In fact, seeing how close Cappa sat to her made her stomach shift and it threatened to lurch anything she’d eaten in the past out. If either of them moved, their lips would touch.

  Jovi’s hands dropped to her sides as she curled her nails into her palms. What is he doing? she wondered.

  He should be talking to her, not some woman who wore such a small amount of clothing all her curves were laid bare, to be seen by anyone and everyone. But you ruined that with your little speech last night, she chastised herself.

  Her heart sank. She had done this, made him reach for the arms of another. Not that they’d ever wrapped their arms around each other, not really, but Jovi had to admit the thought had crossed her mind plenty of times.

  Cappa could speak to whomever he wanted. She didn’t rule him. Jovi should have turned around, backed out the way she’d come in. Instead, she stared hard, her feet rooted to the ground. She wouldn’t be going anywhere but forward as she interrupted whatever…that was.

  Jovi took a minute and composed herself, then she marched forward and told Cappa she wanted to speak with him. Her good intentions flew through the wind as her gaze found the woman again.

  Red streaked Jovi’s vision as she thought, I can see right through her clothing. There are nipples showing. She’s throwing herself at him and he’s letting it happen.

  Before she knew it, her jaw hurt and she realized she’d clenched her teeth so hard that she bit the inside of her cheek. A metallic taste tickled the back of her throat. Her own blood from a battle wound. The battle of her own heart…

  She’d waited long enough. As she stood behind them, Cappa hadn’t even noticed her existence. No, he was too absorbed in his conversation with the hussy. So, she tapped his shoulder, hard. “May I please have a word with you?” She spoke through her clenched teeth.

  An icy gaze met her own. Several seconds passed, her staring at him and him staring back, neither flinching, neither taking their eyes from one another. Jovi settled in. She wouldn’t be the one to break first. But she didn’t have to as he stood and sighed. “Yeah, whatever.” He turned back and smiled at the other woman. “I’ll be back for you soon.”

  The woman giggled.

  A pounding started in Jovi’s ears.

  She rolled her eyes and the words flew from her mouth without her permission or knowledge. “Of course. Why wouldn’t you return to a woman that looks like that, especially since you can see her nipples? You don’t even need to take anything off. Less work for you. Open invitations are great, aren’t they?”

  Inside, she’d torn herself apart for how she’d treated Cappa. And here he was, flirting with some, some…harlot. What a pig he turned out to be, just like every other man in the entire world. No, pig was too nice a word. He was a…a…Neanderthal.

  The soles of her feet dug into the ground and left footprints under her. She moved quickly, hoping Cappa followed but she didn’t trust herself to turn and look at him. The words would spew from her mouth if she didn’t gain a bit of control first.

  Once she reached the water pool, she bent over, her hands resting on her knees as she took some deep breaths.

  When she straightened, her vision clouded.

  It hadn’t helped.

  Cappa came around and faced her with a careless gaze.
/>   She poked him in the chest and backed him up with each poke. “What. Are. You. Doing?”

  His gaze fell to her finger, then he picked it up and tossed it back to her side. “Oh. Well. Let’s see. I’m following you around and waiting to hear what you have to say, since it was so important to interrupt me.”

  Her nostrils flared. “Oh, is that so? You want to know what I was going to say?” She couldn’t stop herself from shoving him. “You know what? I don’t want to tell you anything anymore. I’m sick to death of you.”

  Cappa’s jaw fell open. After a few second of him staring at her with a close-lipped expression, he shoved into her space, and pushed her up against the tree. “You are, are you? Thanks for bringing me out here to tell me that.”

  She bared her teeth at him. “I didn’t, you idiot. I brought you out here to apologize, to tell you I didn’t mean what I said last night. Any of it. But you don’t deserve any of those words so I take them back. Every last one.”

  His heat wrapped around her. He hadn’t moved away, still very much pressed against her. “You can’t take them back now that you said them. They’re out there now. I heard them.” After a pause, he sighed, his voice softening. “Why didn’t you tell me that to begin with?”

  “Because, I saw you with that little minx and for some reason it angered me.” She paused. Should she tell him everything else? It wouldn’t hurt now. “I wanted to tell you I’m scared to let you in because I don’t ever want to lose you. Last night, if you would have wrapped me up in your arms, I would have been lost, Cappa. I don’t want to feel like that. I don’t want to depend on anyone that much…” Especially not a guard that I will never be able to be with.

  He rubbed his forehead, stared at her, then at the ground, then at her, over and over. Minutes ticked by, the only sound coming from Jovi’s fast-paced breathing. He needed to respond. She’d laid her cards out for him to see. Why wouldn’t he say anything?

  More minutes disappeared and she’d had enough. She’d tried. And failed. It was over. She stormed past him, but as she brushed against his arm, he grabbed her, pulling her right back to where she stood before. He entered her space, his chest against hers and her back against the tree.

  Her pulse shot through her, and her blood boiled through her veins. Then, so she didn’t make it too easy for him, she slapped at his hard chest. “Get off me. I have no more words for you.”

  Cappa smirked. “Good thing, because I think we’re about done with words. Don’t you?”

  With a tilt of her head, she pursed her lips, ready to fight, to yell, to kick and scream. If she had to, she’d claw her way out from under him. She’d make it as difficult for him as he had for her. But she didn’t get the chance.

  He said nothing, only smashed his lips against hers, and God help her, she melted into him. It turned into a battle. Her lips fought his as they tangled together. Her arms fought against his as they snaked around him, getting as close as she could. And when she finally won the fight, she rubbed her palms up and down his back. She was lost, until reality slammed into her.

  She yanked her head back, covered her lips with her hand, and stared up at him with wide eyes. “What was that? What are we doing?” She’d wanted it, but now that it had slammed into her, uncertainty flitted through her.

  Cappa met her questions with the sexiest smirk she’d ever seen, which made her knees go weak. “I don’t know what we’re doing, Princess, but it sure looks like you did.”

  Heat crept into her cheeks as she dropped her hands to her sides and frowned at him. She bit her tingling lip and turned. “Uh, well, I don’t!” She couldn’t face him. How could she have embarrassed herself so badly?

  She’d really done a great job of throwing her inhibitions to the wind, hadn’t she?

  His arms came up behind her and wrapped her up. She dug her feet into the ground and tried to move, but he tightened his grip.

  “Please. Just let me go, Cappa. I’m sorry, okay. I didn’t mean to.”

  He flipped her around to face him as he ran his hand down the side of her face and pushed her braid behind her shoulder. “God, Jovi. Don’t. Don’t apologize. You didn’t do anything wrong.” He rubbed the back of his neck, a smile lighting his face up. “Don’t you know how badly I’ve wanted to do that? How much I wanted you to react the way you did?” When she shook her head, he continued. “Ever since I first laid eyes on you.” All amusement dropped from his face. “But, before we go any further, there’s a secret I must tell you, something I’ve told no one here in this part of Orendor.”

  Jovi’s chest felt like it might have collapsed. “What is it?” Secrets unnerved her, but also piqued her curiosity. She could fight it all she wanted, but her feelings for Cappa overcame any secret, good or bad, big or small. She knew that just as she knew she needed air to breathe. Resisting him was no longer an option for her. His status as a guard no longer mattered, not to her. Fire shifted between them and pulled them closer and closer, and she wouldn’t fight it any longer. She may never feel like this for another, so she’d let herself fall, let herself enjoy Cappa. No more regrets.

  “Jovi!” Meical’s voice rung out. He must have retrieved the mammoth bone.

  She peeked around the tree. “I need a moment, Uncle.”

  Meical nodded, although she could barely tell as he stood so far away. Then he retreated between his tents.

  She tucked her back against the tree again and met Cappa’s eyes. “Now that we have another minute, please, tell me your secret.”

  Cappa crossed his arms over his stomach and met her eyes. He pressed his lips together and ran shaky hands through his unkempt hair.

  Feeling brave, she rubbed her hands up and down his arms. “Cappa, I’m here and I’m listening. Whatever your secret, it won’t scare me off. I can promise you that.”

  Cappa sighed as he leaned against another tree. “Okay, well, here goes then.” He sucked in a breath, blew it out. “I am not a guard.” He shook his head. “I mean, I am a guard right now, but there’s another reason I’ve come to this place.” He paused and waited for a response, but Jovi kept her mouth shut and retained her promise to listen, although inside her heart thumped like the pitter-patter of a dancer’s feet. So, he continued. “Nineteen years ago, when I was born, a sorceress cursed my mother to die. See, she’d had a secret affair with my father and her jealousy when my father turned her away, it grew and grew. My mother died and the sorceress fled, but I have reason to believe she is here, within Orendor, somewhere.”

  Jovi gasped. “Oh no. I’m so sorry Cappa.”

  He held up his hand. “I don’t have any idea what she looks like, other than a drawing my father gave me. When we found Belisandre, I thought I’d found her, but it wasn’t her. There must be more.” He tugged his shirt up and pulled a paper from the waistband of his pants. “This is her.”

  Jovi examined the drawing. Clearly, it wasn’t Belisandre. This woman had a jagged scar jetting down the middle of her face, which Belisandre did not, but the sorceress and the woman in the drawing resembled each other. “Perhaps, when all is said and done, we will find her. I will help you. I promise.”

  “I thank you for your kindness.”

  Jovi chuckled. “Are you really from Lyenhaus, or over the sea?”

  Cappa took her hands in his. “I never lied to you about that.”

  Jovi grinned as a warmth spread through her stomach. “I’m glad, because I trust you, always have.” Always will, she thought.

  Possibilities shuffled through her, things she hadn’t dared to have thought before. If she were Queen, she could make her own rules about marriage. She wouldn’t be forced to marry whoever her father chose for her. No royalty. She’d be able to marry Cappa. Maybe. If her father got to know him, really know him, he’d love him as much as Jovi had started to. But, ultimately, Cappa would have to want to marry her. She felt he might, but she didn’t know, and facing possible rejection made her heart jump up to the back of her throat. Life sure had a
way of getting complicated.

  She wouldn’t have to marry a stranger whom she never met before. Instead, she could marry for love and maybe even have a happy life, one she didn’t want to run away from.

  The prospect of being Queen didn’t look as harrowing any longer.

  She snuggled into Cappa’s shoulder, and he wrapped his arm around her. Before long, she’d all but forgotten they were on a mission, that they had things to do.

  Jovi’s fingers squeezed Cappa’s as she gripped his hand, holding it, caressing it. Then, she gave him a quick peck on the cheek. “We must get back, or my Uncle will come looking.”

  They held hands as long as they could and only let go when people came into view. Cappa didn’t so much as glance at the harlot as they passed her. No, he only had eyes for Jovi now, and she loved it.

  Meical held a vial up in front of her. “Ground mammoth bone can be checked off the list.”

  Jovi nodded. “Thank you for retrieving it.”

  He tossed her a bundle of cloth. “Go and put these clothes on. Mount Soumahalla will be cold at the top.”

  She’d forgotten they had to climb the mountain to get the mushrooms. The recipe had been very specific that they needed the ones from the top of the mountain.

  Disappearing inside the tent, she layered the clothing on. Three shirts and three pairs of pants all hung from her, but luckily, Meical had given her a belt to keep the pants fastened. A fur cloak finished the look, along with a pair of black boots.

  After, Meical handed her a leathery strip of meat. “Eat this and keep your energy up. We climb soon.”

  She tore off a piece and put it into her mouth. “I’ll be ready.”

  And she would. Now, more than ever, saving her parents had become a reality instead of only a possibility. With Cappa and her uncle by her side, the hope grew stronger and stronger, until it was a solid form in her mind.

  Finally.

  When Jovi climbed off Horn in front of Mount Soumahalla, she rubbed her hands together to get rid of the tingles spreading through her fingers. She must have squeezed Horn’s fur too tightly because her hands were numb. Cappa came up behind her and wrapped a soft piece of cloth around her neck. She turned. “What is this for?”