A Greater World: A woman's journey

by Clare Flynn

  'He were a good boy. He'd never 'ave turned into a bad person.'

  'But as he grew up he might have started to look like him, or have his mannerisms or his voice. I might have come to loathe him. Perhaps I should be thankful that he died before he had the chance to find out his own mother was going to reject him?'

  Michael put his hands on her shoulders and eased her away from him so he could look at her face.

  'Listen to me, Elizabeth. It were a tragedy that Mikey and his sister were taken from you, but it weren't your fault. Innocent bairns die every day, many of 'em from the same horrible illness as took yours. It's not yer fault. He's gone and we'll all miss him and the wee lass, but you can't bring 'em back and it's not your fault. Life plays cruel tricks. Like keeping the two of us apart.'

  She looked at him eagerly. 'Did you really like Mikey?'

  'He were a grand little fellow. That's why I came to pay me respects, even though I thought yer wouldn't want to see me. I thought he were Jack Kidd's son, but now I know he wasn't, it makes no difference. I hate yer brother in law for what he did to you. I'd like to kill the bastard but I could never blame you or the child.'

  'Thank you.'

  He stroked her hair and then buried his face in it and breathed deeply, drinking in the smell of her. She smelled of the fresh soil she'd been tilling, with an undercurrent of lavender. He pulled away and looked into her eyes. 'As God's me witness, Elizabeth Morton, I love you with every bone in me body. I wish you'd told me all this long ago, but what's done's done. There's something you need to know.'

  She stiffened.

  'I'm going to New Zealand.'

  Elizabeth gave a little cry and pulled herself back into the chair. 'You're leaving? With Harriet?'

  'She's staying in Sydney. You were right about us marrying. It were a terrible mistake. I only did it because I were angry with you. I wanted to punish you. And punish meself. I nearly backed out the night afore the wedding till Will told me at the buck's night you were having another bairn and I flipped. I wanted to hurt you as much as you'd hurt me and the best way to do that was marrying Hat. I thought it were also because you thought I weren't good enough for her, same as I weren't good enough for you.'

  'Oh, Michael, how could you have thought that?'

  'Once she got her hands on the money from her Da she didn't think about anything else. We never cared for each other. I were wrong to go through with it. I felt sorry for her after the races when her old man made a show of her. I thought I'd have to settle down at some point, so why not with her? I couldn't have the woman I loved, so why not Harriet? The gaffer wanted it and I thought mebbe with time we'd find a way to muddle along together. God knows I tried.'

  'You still can! You can keep trying' she whispered, her head forcing out the words while her heart screamed in protest.

  'No. It's pointless. I know now it can never work. She's shallow. She's cold. She despises me. I were just her means of getting away from the Falls and getting her hands on the cash. And I reckon she thought marrying me would get at you. She's not daft. She sensed there were summat between us.'

  'I felt that she did too.'

  'She's a mixed-up girl in lots of ways. She's never got over the death of her mam and there doesn't seem to be much feeling between her and her da. Or her and Will for that matter.'

  'But Michael, ending a marriage when the ink's barely dry on the licence? It's only been eighteen months.'

  'There's more to it. She's taken up with a bunch of people that are no good. Bone idle and filthy rich. The champagne set. Not that it's only champagne – there's cocaine as well.'

  'That's dreadful. She's just a child.'

  'A child who's quickly got used to the ways of the world. Look, I don't want us having any more secrets from each other, so I'm going to tell you everything. She were expecting a child and paid to have it aborted. She only thought it worth telling me after it were done and dusted. I'm not even sure it were mine anyway.'

  He stared into the fire, avoiding her eyes. 'We didn't exactly have a lot of opportunity. I were up here and she were mostly in Sydney. She may have been sleeping with one of the sleazy characters she hung out with. I caught her taking cocaine with one of them – a rich bastard who thought the world owed him a living. She said she wasn't sleeping with him as he was a queer. But there may have been others. Some swine helped arrange for her to have the baby got rid of.'

  'Does Jack know about this?'

  'Not from me he doesn't, and I don't think it's me place to disillusion him further. He'll find out soon enough if she carries on the way she's going now.'

  'But getting rid of an unwanted pregnancy is so dangerous. Do you have any idea how many women die in the process?'

  'I know. She paid a small fortune for the best doctor willing to do it. No kitchen table job for her.'

  'That's to be thankful for. I wouldn't wish that on anyone.' She hesitated. 'When I found out I was expecting Mikey, all I could think about was getting rid of him. I didn't think of him as human – just an 'it, a monster growing inside me. I went to a place in Sydney where a woman agreed to do an abortion. But it was vile - that's the only reason I went ahead with having him. It was literally going to happen on the kitchen table and a filthy one at that. She kept the instruments in a bag slung in the bottom of a cupboard and there were cats all over the place. I couldn't go through with it because I was disgusted and frightened. Frightened for me, not for Mikey. I thought of him as something to be expunged, expelled and flushed away. I can't bear to think about it. I feel ashamed.'

  'Well you didn't do it. Though it were understandable that you thought about it, after what happened to you.'

  'But Hattie? Going behind your back?'

  'You see now why staying with her is out the question. A woman who doesn't tell me she's having me child, let alone that she's getting rid of it. A wife who runs around town, smoking and drinking, staying up all night taking drugs with some posh blackguard.'

  'Are you sure about the drugs?'

  'Aye, she made no secret of it. Snorted it up her nose in front of me. There's a lot of talk of that going on in Sydney.'

  'It's sad. She had every opportunity – education, brought up by a loving mother and then by lovely Verity, money, good looks, intelligence. Why, oh why, has she thrown it all away? Michael, I'm so sorry.'

  'I don't like the idea of divorce, and I don't know what I'll tell me folks. I wish now I'd never told 'em I were married in the first place. But I've made enough mistakes in me life and staying with Harriet would make this one worse. If we were to keep up the charade it'd ruin both our lives. It were wrong to marry 'er in the first place. I'll not make it worse by sticking around. The more I've tried to help her, to encourage her to get help, the worse she is. If I'm not there for her to kick against, mebbe she'll grow up. Anyways, now I know the truth about you, I couldn't be with her again. Never.' He reached out as though he was going to kiss her but Elizabeth held him away, her hands planted on his chest, her eyes fixed on his.

  'Does Mr Kidd know you plan to divorce?' She felt the need for formality in describing her husband, given the sudden shift in her relationship with Michael.

  'He's known for a while but thought we'd not go through with it, but I told him this morning it were for definite and that I were giving in me notice.'

  'And?'

  'He were angry. He shouted. He swore. He told me I were sacked and to go at once.'

  Elizabeth smiled. 'I can picture that.'

  'He wants to bring Harriet home to the Falls and take 'er settlement back, but she's seen a lawyer in Sydney and there's nowt he can do. The money's hers. I can leave with a clear conscience that she can support herself. I don't want a penny of it.'

  'If you divorce won't there be a scandal?'

  'She'll not care a hoot. Her society friends will think she had a lucky escape. And I won't be around to care for me own account. The lawyer says if I leave her she'll get a divorce on grounds of desertion after thr
ee years. She'll still only be twenty-two. The divorce laws in New South Wales are the easiest in the whole Empire.'

  'Why New Zealand?'

  'There's work there – the kind I want to do. Rearing sheep. I hate the mine. I hated it back in England. I hated being underground during the war and I hate it even more here watching other poor buggers blast the coal out. I only did it for money for me folks. I think Kidd plans to sell up anyways. If he can get out now he'll have a pot of money to do what he wants to do. I mean to do the same. I've bought me ticket. I came back to collect me things and break the news to 'im, and then I heard what had happened to yer bairns.' He reached for her, pinning her arms against her sides as he wrapped his arms around her, crushing her to him. 'Elizabeth, come with me. I love you and I don't want to lose you again.'

  'I can't,' she whispered.

  'Why not? You don't care for Kidd, do you?'

  'He's a decent man. He's done me no wrong. I can't just abandon him.'

  'He's a miserable bastard and yes you can. For God's sake, he hit you. Remember? I was there!'

  'He lost his temper. He didn't mean it. He was upset about you and Hattie. He apologised abjectly afterwards.'

  'He didn't mean it? That's what every beaten-up woman says – right up until the next time he clobbers her.'

  'It won't happen again. He was angry. And in his way...'

  'In his way what? You're not going to tell me you love him? Oh God, no!' He paced up and down running his hands through his hair, a look of anguish on his face.

  'No, I don't love him. Of course I don't. But I'm grateful to him and he needs me. I can't just walk away and leave him. It would be wrong. When I was destitute he took me in. He gave a name and a home to my son. We had a child together. We've lost that child. He's grieving too. I made promises. I have to honour them.'

  'You think because I were foolish enough to marry Harriet I should do the same?'

  'I don't know what Harriet's motives are. Clearly she's on a path to self-destruction, especially if she's taking drugs. But Jack Kidd has been kind to me in his own odd way. He may have little to say, but he cares about me. I can't abandon him, especially now I know what's happening with Harriet and now that Susanna has gone. She was our daughter after all. He may not show his grief to the world but I know he's grieving.'

  'But we love each other... don't we?'

  'I love you, Michael Winterbourne, with my heart and my soul and with every breath in my body. I've loved you all this time. Even when I believed you hated me. I'll love you till the day I die. There's not a night has passed that I haven't gone to sleep thinking of you and not an hour in every day that I haven't thought of you, wondered what you were doing, imagined what things would have been like if we'd been together. Everything that's happened to me since we parted I've told you about in my head. Everything I've seen or heard I've imagined seeing or hearing with you. All the time. The pain of losing you was the worst pain I've ever felt. As bad as I feel now about my children. Worse than losing my parents. Never doubt me again, Michael. Never ever doubt me.' She looked into his eyes and gripped his arms so hard he felt the blood stopping.

  'Then come away with me. We'll start a new life and put all this mess behind us. We've both made mistakes. We've both lost people we love. We can make a future together and put it right.' He looked at her and then, deciding enough had been said, he planted tiny kisses all over her face. She gasped and leaned back into her chair, afraid of her own emotions. His kisses were light, teasing and gentle, but there was a growing urgency in them.

  'Oh God, Michael. What are we doing?'

  'What's right and what we want. It's what I've dreamt of every night these past years.'

  'Me too.'

  He found her mouth and with a small cry she kissed him back, hungrily tasting him, drinking him in. Any thoughts of duty or responsibility towards Jack Kidd fled as she kissed him. It felt right. She gave herself up to the kiss, knowing that all the suffering she had endured, the loneliness, the loss, were somehow redeemed in this moment. How could it be wrong?

  She pulled away slightly as they emerged from the kiss, so she could look at him. She felt cherished, loved. The pain and loss of Mikey and Susanna was still present, but was somehow poignant and sweet instead of empty and bitter. She felt what she had only experienced when holding her children. Unconditional love.

  He leaned down and kissed her again. 'Can you ever forgive me, my darling? I've been such a stupid fool.'

  'It's all right. I know how it must have seemed.'

  'But I shouldn't have doubted you and thought you capable of behaving like that. Please forgive me. I felt so bad about meself that I couldn't believe that you could care for me. I didn't think I were worthy of yer.'

  'Hush' she breathed. She stroked her fingers down his cheek. 'Enough. I want to show you how much I love you. I've waited so long.' She undid the buttons on the front of her dress and let it slip to the floor, then stepped into his arms.

  After they made love, as they lay entwined on the rag rug, they were oblivious to Nat Kidd watching them through a gap in the green gingham curtains.

  Michael rose naked from the tumble of cushions and bedding they had flung on the floor in front of the wood-stove and went to pour them each a glass of water. Elizabeth had piled logs on the fire and dragged the eiderdown onto the floor in front of it. Not that they were aware of the cold or the hardness of the floor, lost as they were in their discovery of each other. She watched him as he poured the water, taking in the height of him, the muscles across his back, the long legs and the narrowness of his hips. His body was so different from the small wiry frame of her husband. Not that she was thinking of Jack Kidd now. Michael saw her appraising him as he moved back to her and he smiled. 'Now will you come to New Zealand?'

  'I want nothing more in the world, but to leave my babies in that cemetery? To be so far away from them, unable to visit their graves.'

  He couldn't help but think of Minnie wanting to stay close to the war memorial that bore her father and brother's names. He held her tightly, stroking her hair.

  She spoke again. 'I keep thinking about the poor little mites alone under the ground.'

  'Don't do this to yourself, Elizabeth. Please.'

  'I can't help it. I dream of them being eaten up by worms. Their little legs turning into skeletons. Mikey was always afraid of the dark.'

  'Stop it! Don't do this! Stop torturing yourself. Think of them turning into new life, into trees or birds. Flying away. Free.'

  She thought for a moment. 'I like that. A pair of little birds. Maybe kookaburras? Or Noisy Miners? No – lorikeets. That's it! Lorikeets were Mikey's favourites. He called them lollykeets. It's strange – a group of rainbow lorikeets flew past at the funeral as if they'd come to say goodbye.'

  'Well then, think of the bairns' spirits flying away with them. Mebbe they can fly over the sea to New Zealand.' He smiled.

  They fell into silence, then Elizabeth spoke. 'I'm not the kind of person who walks away from responsibility. We're doing this now and I know that it should be wrong... but somehow it isn't wrong. I know the right thing is to do my duty and stand by the man I married, for better or worse, but I don't think I can. Not now, Michael. Not after this. Not after us.'

  He gasped and pulled her into his arms.

  As he held her, a fleeting memory of Stephen crossed her mind – on the sands at Birkdale, talking of "doing the right thing". 'I can't help thinking about what duty did for my fiancé – how it cost him his life. I'm sick of putting others first – apart from you. Nothing can bring my children back and I want to grab a chance of happiness and that can only be with you.'

  He looked at her eagerly. 'You'll come with me?'

  'Michael, I don't know. I feel bad about Jack. If I leave him I don't know what he'll do. In his own cockeyed way I think he loves me and I don't want to hurt him.'

  'But you'll hurt me?' His voice was a low moan. 'The man forced you to marry him, Elizabeth. You owe
him nowt. He took advantage of you.'

  'I know you can't understand, but it's who I am. It's how I was brought up to behave.'

  'I can't stand it. I can't bear to think of that old goat touching you, making love to you. Doing this.' He cupped his hand over her breast.

  'It's not like that. It's not the same. With you it's love, it's passion; with him it's more like comfort or consolation. He's a lonely, unhappy man and I brought him some solace. It's hard not to take account of that, to feel some responsibility...'

  'It's wrong. You and I are meant to be together. We've at last got a chance to make it right. Kidd's had his time with you. It's more than he deserved and I won't let him have you any longer.'

  Elizabeth couldn't bear to see the hurt in his eyes, knowing that she could so easily remedy it. 'I know it's unfair. But how can I let that turn me into a person I'd feel ashamed of. And I would. You must understand that? We have this brief time together to treasure and look back on for the rest of our lives. Whenever I feel sad or alone I'll think of us here tonight. Now I'm strong enough to face anything. You've given me that strength.'

  She hesitated. 'Perhaps you could try and seek a reconciliation with Harriet. I know you feel betrayed that she didn't tell you about the baby, but you don't know what it feels like to carry a child you don't want to have. She's very young. She wasn't ready. She was frightened. She'll think differently in the future.'

  'I'll never go back to her. I'd rather be alone if I can't be with you. I'm leaving in the morning and I want you with me. If you won't come, then I'm going anyway. I meant to go months ago – after that bloody awful dinner when I found out you were married to Kidd. Something made me stay and I'm glad I did, so this could happen. But now I'm starting a new life. I want you in it. I can't live up here and not be with you. If you won't come I have to go anyway. It'll tear the heart out of me – but me heart's already yours anyway.'

  'I know.' She turned her face to his and drew him into a kiss, then said 'Let's make the most of tonight, then. I don't want to talk about Kidd. And I don't want you to ask me again. If this is all we've got, let's not waste any more time, my love.'