“OK,” I breathed. “Let’s go back out there.”
“How old were you when you came to Australia, Jude?” my father asked, taking a bite of the Christmas leftover sandwich that towered on the plate in front of him.
I glanced at Jude, knowing his distaste for small talk and smiled inwardly when he answered without hesitation. “I was seventeen. I’ve been living here for fifteen years.”
“So that makes you thirty-two. Five years older than our Sarah.”
“That’s right.” Jude nodded, taking a mouthful of water. I could tell by the set of his shoulders that he was uncomfortable, willing the grilling to stop.
“I think that’s a nice age gap,” my mother put in, sitting in the front row of Jude’s cheer squad with Ty. She’d already told me that she thought Jude was the most charming man she’d ever met.
“And what about your family? Are they all here or back in England?”
“My stepmother brought my younger brother, sister and me here with her.”
“What about your father?”
“He stayed behind.”
“Your mother?”
Jude laced his fingers in front of him and shrugged before clearing his throat. “She passed away.”
“Not from something hereditary, I hope.”
“Dad!” I yelled, shocked that he’d be so blunt and probing in his questioning.
My father held out his hand as if there was nothing wrong with the question. “I think we have the right to know. She’s already been through so much, so I’d hate for her to lose another husband.”
“Trevor.”
“Dad, we’ve just started dating.”
Jude took another sip of water. His ears had turned red. “She had cancer in her uterus and it was horrific to watch her suffer. Thankfully, sir, I don’t think the same fate lies at my feet. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.”
“All right then,” Dad responded, looking a little sheepish at Jude’s harsh response.
“Anyone for pudding?” my mother asked, standing up so fast that her chair squeaked against the floor. “We have so much leftover from yesterday, and I can whip up a fresh batch of custard. That might be nice.”
I placed a hand on Jude’s jittering thigh, noting the way his jaw was ticking. “Actually, I thought I might show Jude around the property. Do you mind keeping an eye on Ty for me?”
“Of course. He can help me in the kitchen. You two have fun.”
Pulling on an old pair of my mother’s work boots, I walked over to one of the four-wheelers used to get around the farm and told Jude to get on behind me.
“I don’t get to drive?” he asked, one brow quirked.
Turning the key, I smiled as I shook my head, revving the motor. “My farm. My rules.”
With a chuckle, he got on the ATV behind me, his hands sliding around my waist, gripping tighter as I took off down the dirt road that wound its way through the property.
I didn’t say much, preferring instead to ride to the very edge of our land to the waterhole that serviced the entire property. Sometimes it flooded when the rains were too intense, and years ago, I remembered standing out here in the heat, helping my father and brother build a bridge that would clear even the worst flood we’d experienced.
“This is my favourite spot on the property,” I told Jude, coming to a stop at the highest point of that same bridge. “You can see all the paddocks from here and it’s far enough from the house and the road to be completely quiet.”
“Seems like a good place to think.”
“Or to escape judgement. I’m not immune to my father’s shortcomings. He’s a good man, but the farm has always come first and he was very disappointed in me for wanting to leave it. I think he thought I’d come back when Tyler died, but all I managed to do was disappoint him again.”
“I guess he just wants to keep you close. Fathers are supposed to want to protect their children.”
“I’m sorry for the way he grilled you in there. He shouldn’t have asked about your mother like that.”
“It’s fine.” Jude slid off the bike and went to the flaking white railing on the side of the wooden bridge, leaning on it, and looking at the water below. “Actually, no, it’s not fine. He was rude. I reacted badly. And now we’ve caused a scene. This whole first impression thing is going horribly.”
Moving to stand beside him, I slid my hand up his back, pausing on his shoulder where I rested my head. “Is that what you’re worried about? I thought you were pissed about having to talk about your mum.”
“I’m pissed about both things. I understand his concern, I do. But there are other—nicer—ways to ask those kinds of questions. Instead, I feel like I was peppered with verbal bullets while your brother sat there glaring at me and cracking his knuckles. Your mother is lovely, by the way. I can see where you get your personality from.”
Feeling responsible for the way my family behaved, I let out a sigh. “I’m sorry, Jude. I really am. I’m embarrassed by their behaviour. And if you want to drive straight back home, I wouldn’t blame you. Hell, I wouldn’t blame you for deciding this whole thing with me was too much and running the other way.”
“No,” he said, extending out the sound of the word as he turned to face me, his hands lifting to either side of my face. “That’s the furthest thing from my mind. I want to get along with your family, Sarah. I know we’ve only known each other a few months, but I honestly can’t think of a day in the future when I wouldn’t want you in it. I want this. I want us. I want you. And I want everything that comes with that.”
“I want you too,” I whispered back, closing my eyes when his mouth joined with mine, letting that falling feeling take over as he kissed me. Unlike last time, I consciously allowed myself to fall, my heart swelling with joy and hope. But at the same time, it cried. My heart was nervous after the pain it had been through; it was afraid to take another chance on a forever. Because it remembered doing this once before. How could it ever forget? Despite that fear, I wanted to take the chance with Jude. He was so genuine, so caring and patient. I trusted him with my heart. I therefore trusted him enough to take another risk on forever with him.
And so, I fell.
21
Wednesday, 28th December 2016
THINGS SETTLED DOWN over the next couple of days. Jude was out of bed and helping with chores before I even cracked an eye each morning. Much to my father’s delight, he shovelled manure and filled feed troughs without the slightest complaint.
Connecting the milking apparatus was a whole other story, with Jude struggling to get the hang of attaching the teat cups to the uncomfortable cows. They would shuffle away and make it very difficult for him; one even whipped him in the side of the head with her tail. My dad and brother found the whole experience hilarious but it also gained Jude a lot of respect. He was willing to try anything and get his hands dirty. That went a long way in my family.
“He’s wonderful with Ty,” Mum noted, watching while Jude dug around in the motor of an ATV that had started making a rattling noise that morning. He was teaching Ty about the motor and letting him be in charge of all the tools.
“He’s wonderful with everyone. He even won Harry over.” I nodded toward my brother who just handed Jude a cold beer and said something we couldn’t hear. The men both laughed then Jude wiped the sweat off his brow before taking a cooling drink.
“That’s a feat in itself. Your brother doesn’t share his beer with just anyone.”
“What does Dad think of him?”
“He seems to like him. That Jude is throwing himself into the farm work is going a long way. Did you tell him to do that?”
“Not at all. That was all him.”
“He’s smart.”
“He’s everything.” I smiled, hugging myself as I watched my dad move over to Jude and Harry where he picked up Ty and flipped him upside down, tickling him. Ty laughed hysterically and when Dad put him down, he wrapped his arms around Jude’s legs. J
ude’s hand touched the top of his head, his fingers brushing Ty’s hair absentmindedly while he smiled at something my brother was saying. My heart swelled. My eyes burned. Even though he’d never experienced it, Ty was obviously craving a father figure.
“This is hard on you, isn’t it?” Mum asked.
I took a deep breath. “A little. I mean, I’m happy.”
“But?”
“I don’t know. I just can’t help but look at them all and wish that it was Tyler there instead. I mean, I care deeply for Jude, but Tyler was…” My brow creased at my confused feelings. Thinking that way made me feel so guilty, but I couldn’t help it. Tyler was my big love.
“I think that’s only natural. You loved that boy so much.”
“That boy,” I repeated, seeing his beautiful smile in my mind and knowing that it would never alter with age. “It just feels so unfair. Losing Tyler was unfair to me, unfair to Ty, and now it’s unfair to Jude. He doesn’t deserve to feel like a consolation prize.”
“I think Jude is a smart enough man to understand the circumstances he’s walked into. He understands grief. Seems he’s had plenty of his own.”
“He doesn’t really talk about it.”
“Do you talk about yours?”
“A little.”
“Give it time. It’s not easy talking about your most painful memories. When you’re together, you probably just want to be happy.”
“Live in the moment,” I mused, using a little of Tyler’s wisdom as my own.
“That’s all you can do.” Mum shrugged then looked at the time. It was close to twelve. “I’m going to need some more bread if I’m going to make lunch. Would you mind going into town and picking some up from the bakery?”
Grabbing my keys and purse, I headed outside. Ty, of course, wanted to come and I thought Jude might like the rescue. “You coming too?” I asked, using my hand as a visor to shield my eyes against the midday sun.
“Give me a sec,” he said, holding up his grease-covered hands. He entered the house through the laundry then came out five minutes later with clean hands and a fresh shirt.
“Looks like you have a bit of a fan club. So much for first impressions,” I teased as I steered the Navara down the long gravel drive that lead to the road.
“I think your mother might have a lot to do with that. From what your brother told me, she gave your dad a good earbashing while we were out of the house.”
“Harry told you that?”
Jude nodded. “He did. He said that he thought I’d…what were his exact words? That’s right, he said he thought I’d be a ‘stuck-up pom with a metal pole shoved up my’…” He made a noise in his throat to stand in for the word ‘arse’ since Ty was in the back seat.
I laughed. “He’s all class, my brother.”
“He also said that he’d changed his mind and thought I was a ‘pretty good bloke’. So I think I have his approval.”
“Did it matter to you that much that you had their approval? I mean, you have mine. And I’m pretty sure Ty would vote you coolest guy in town.”
‘In the world!” Ty yelled, causing us to laugh.
“Thanks, mate.” He turned around and they high-fived. “I vote you coolest kid.” They high-fived again. When he straightened in his seat, he answered my question. “You know, I’m not generally one to care what others think about me. But in this case, yes, I do care. They’re your family. It helps if they like me.”
“Well, you definitely have my mother’s approval and Harry gave you his. And you know your way around an engine, so you’ll have my dad’s too. Ty loves you, so that’s four out of four. I can’t imagine I’ll be quite as successful with your family, as I don’t have that awkward charm that makes me as likeable as you.”
“You’ll be fine,” he assured me, his voice quiet as he looked out the window. I was noticing more and more how he reacted whenever I mentioned his family. I was still trying to be understanding, but I really wanted to know as much about him as he did me, so my patience was waning.
After a moment, he turned back to me. “Awkward charm. Is that what you call my bumbling?”
“It’s not bumbling. It’s effort. You’re not afraid to try and to look foolish doing so. People appreciate that.”
“I always thought I came across as arrogant.”
I glanced at him before turning my attention back to he road. “Why arrogant?”
He shrugged. “Because I don’t suffer fools lightly. I’d rather say nothing than have a boring conversation. I’m blunt.”
“You’re honest. That’s not a bad thing. Personally, I like the way you are.” Reaching across the centre console, I took hold of his hand. He smiled at me, giving my fingers a squeeze before he started rubbing his thumb lightly over the back of my hand.
“Can I get a doughnut?” Ty asked from the backseat, filling the peaceful quiet.
“Sure, buddy. I’ll get doughnuts for everybody.”
We pulled into a parking spot in front of the charcoal chicken place and walked to the bakery next door, Ty swinging his feet off the ground while hanging on to Jude’s and my hands.
We almost swung Ty straight into Graeme Lohan, Tyler’s father, who was exiting the bakery. I stopped dead in my tracks, as did he. My mouth hanging open, his eyes wide. He stared at Ty, his face paling as he recognised the miniature version of his son in front of him.
“Hello,” he said, swallowing hard. His eyes shifted to Jude and he seemed to remember his manners. “Graeme Lohan,” he told Jude, holding out his hand to shake.
Looking a little confused, but going along with it, Jude accepted the greeting. “Jude Baker. I’m Sarah’s boyfriend.”
My stomach did a little flip at the word. It seemed so silly. We were adults. Did we even do boyfriends and girlfriends anymore? Still, the classification gave a name to something that hadn’t had one before.
“I see. I’m young Tyler’s…ah…” His voice faded away as he again looked at Ty. He had met him twice before and he’d met me only once more than that. He came to Tyler’s funeral and sat in the back. I’d been so angry at him for turning his back on Tyler that I gave him an earful for having the nerve to show up. Later, when Ty was still a baby, I’d seen him in town and apologised for my outburst. He said he understood and asked if Ty was his grandchild. I told him yes then he’d left quite quickly. The next time Ty saw him, it was with my parents at the local bowling club the Christmas before. Again, it was only a passing acknowledgement. So this time, I was surprised to hear Graeme trying to connect himself to Ty in some way.
“He’s Ty’s grandfather,” I said, my voice cool. I still didn’t like Graeme, found the way he’d treated his sick son to be shameful. But over the years I’d come to realise that he was just a coward, lacking the strength needed to watch someone you love suffer.
“I already have a grandfather,” Ty piped up, while Jude nodded his understanding.
Graeme shifted uncomfortably from foot to foot. “Does he, ah…know about?”
“His father? Yes. He knows what happened to Tyler.”
“I see. Well, I’m your daddy’s father,” Graeme told him.
“Then why don’t you live wiv Nanny? She’s my daddy’s mummy. Mummy’s mummy and daddy are my Grandma and Grandad—they live to-gever. On a farm!” Ty scratched his head, trying to figure out how this broken family of ours worked.
“They aren’t married anymore,” I informed him.
“You can get un-mar-wid?” Ty said, kicking his feet on the concrete ground. Then he looked up, stuck his finger up his nose, and said, “Are we still getting doughnuts?”
“Yes, Ty.” I pulled his hand from his nose and quickly excused us before the conversation could get any more uncomfortable.
“Enjoy the holidays, Graeme,” I said.
He stopped me. “Can I… Can I see him sometime? I’d like to get to know my grandson.”
“The same way you knew your son? I don’t know. If something ever happens to Ty,
will you disappear on him too?” That was nasty, I knew that. But I couldn’t stop the words from leaving my mouth.
“I know I handled things with Tyler and his…illness badly. I’d like to try and make up for that, in some way, through his son. I’d like it if Ty could come and visit some time, with you of course.”
“I don’t know.”
“Do you have a pool at your house?” Ty asked, that finger up his nose again. I stopped him then fished a tissue out of my bag and got him to blow into it.
“Well, yes. Yes, I do.”
“I can visit on a hot day. I don’t like swimming when it’s cold.”
Graeme grinned. “OK. But it has to be OK with your mum.”
“We’ll be there!” Ty decided.
“I’ll think about it,” I told them both. Then I ushered Ty inside the bakery with Jude following close behind.
“I’m guessing there’s a story there?” he said when we were out of earshot.
I nodded. “I’ll fill you in later. I’m just not sure if I want that man around my son.”
“Tyler hated his father,” I told Jude later that night when we were lying in bed. We were both sleepy and sated, but we weren’t ready to sleep, preferring most nights to talk until we couldn’t keep our eyes open.
I was on my stomach and his fingers were tracing patterns on my naked back. I could have fallen asleep this way, but he asked what I was planning to do about Graeme’s request to see Ty.
“Enough to refuse him access to his grandchild?”
I shrugged giving him the CliffsNotes version of the animosity between Tyler and his father. “Maybe. Graeme demanded perfection from his only son and Tyler’s illness was a weakness he didn’t want to face. When Tyler and his mother moved to Sydney for his treatment, Graeme cut ties instead of going with them. Tyler never forgave him.”
“What do you think would have happened if Tyler never got sick?”
The question caused a pang in my chest and I rolled onto my side, Jude’s hand shifting to rest on my hip. I pulled the sheet up to cover my breasts. “You know, I’ve given that scenario a lot of thought over the years.” I picked at the corner of his pillowcase, feeling his eyes on me as I prepared my thoughts. “If Tyler hadn’t been sick, I honestly don’t think we would have been together. I think he would have stayed here and taken over his family’s cattle and real estate empire, married the prettiest girl in town, and had a stack of beautiful blond children that would just continue the cycle of a charmed life.”
One More Thing Page 15
